It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Goodbye Morning Nap, Hello Molars!

Holy Smokes, it's true when they say your child(ren) grow up so fast!  It feels like just yesterday Liam couldn't hold up his own head how he's a running fool!

A few weeks ago Liam started to transition out of his morning nap and like all other things so far we've let him take the lead on being ready or not.  He was clearly ready, so we had Nanna (who watches him 4 days/week) encourage it a little.  Within just two weeks he was fully transitioned, we had one little set back when he wasn't feeling so great but now we are clear on the side of no return.  And ya know what?  I'm so happy!  I know a lot of parents morn the loss of the morning nap because they fit in more "me" time or clean or whatnot and I certainly did use it as "me" time on Saturdays.  BUT this whole single two hour nap in the middle of the day is delightful!  We can leave the house for more than two hours at a time, why hello going to church!  Liam is clearly happy with the change as well.  It makes fitting a weekend workout in a little trickier for me but it's ok, I'd rather have the extra time with Liam anyway.

And in similar news the kid has a mouth full of teeth!  Seriously!  I had no idea this is how teething went!  He started in March and it's been pretty much back to back teeth!  Now he's getting molars! Molars! What?!  He doesn't seem old enough for this business!  The poor little guy, man they tell you molars are a b---h and they are!  I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he'd been so incredibly grumpy lately then I stuck my finger in his mouth, because that is what moms do....and hello THREE molars trying to come in (one had at least broken through the skin and two others are super puffy).  Duh Jen!  Gosh I felt like a bad mom, all my kiddo wanted was teething tablets!!!  And he was a saint after I gave them to him.  This whole parenting thing sure has a learning curve!

Something to Blog About

Gosh, I just haven't been making time to blog lately.  Pretty often I'll have something run through my mind and I'll think that would make a great blog post!  But with everything I've been juggling lately it rarely happens, clearly.

It's a lot to be a working mom, heck it's a lot to just be a mom!  I've always had a lot on my plate, I've always liked being busy...heck I had three jobs while in college full time AND I'd volunteer somewhere regularly AND date V.   All of that seems like cake compared to working full time, managing a household and smashing as much Liam time as I can get into a day, not to mention some "me" time.  Oh yeah then add in looking for a house to buy.  I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

However I'm not complaining at all.  I have so much to be thankful for.  V and I have come a long way in the last few months, I would never have imagined having a child would be such a challenge to our relationship (especially when we tried hard for that child) but it was, most of the first year was really hard but we finally turned a corner and are doing great again.  Thank God.  We certainly aren't perfect but we are really good together, we love our family and are truly blessed.

On the house search front, we'll it's still a search that is for sure.  You know all those things I mentioned a few paragraphs up about working full time etc?  Well they also happen to make going to look for a house hard too but this weekend we've lined up four more contenders so fingers crossed!  If I remember right two of them are foreclosures which V isn't thrilled about but you never know until you look!

In more upbeat news Liam is amazing!  He's growing up so quickly!  He's a professional walker now, he loves to be outside in the crunchy leaves!  We just had family pictures done and I couldn't be more in love!  We all wore super hero shirts per V's demands request. Liam was Spiderman, I- Wonder Woman naturally and V was Batman (again).  Currently Liam is getting even more teeth (current tally is 9, yes 9 since March!)  Right now his other molar is trying to pop through.  On top of that he and I have been sharing a cold, the poor little guy.  I think we've both about kicked the cold, the next few days should tell.  He's trying really hard to master some new words but his main focus has been books lately.  He will go get a book, wiggle his way into your lap and recline while you read to him (he also likes to turn the pages) then when the story is finishes he'll get up and get another book and repeat.  99% of the time it's adorable, then that 1% of the time when you have to read the same 4 page book 13 times in a row (seriously) not so much.  BUT I'll take it, I'll take whatever I can get from my little guy, every moment is special and fleeting.

Ok well at least I wrote about something.  Now if only I could get a workout in tonight....hmmmm.

Happy Thursday!

Liam is One Year Old

One year and two days if your counting. ;) Thrusday I was in full sappiness mode!  Each time I glanced at the clock I knew exactly what was going on at that time last year, I was full of joyful tears all day!  I simply couldn't wait to scoop up my baby and kiss him!

It's hard to believe I've been Liam's mom for a year now, well really more like almost two years (personally I believe life begins at conception so I've been a mom since Oct '10). I digress, I've been a mom now for a little while, it's hard to remember life before him.  We wanted a child, we tried for a him, we prayed for the blessing of a child.  And when we did get pregnant we weren't certain my permanency would make it so I spent each day loving on this little baby inside of me just praying I would have a "outside baby".  Being a mom is a challenge, it makes you grow in new ways and if your priorities weren't in line to begin with they will be rapidly!  It wasn't a difficult change for me, I was so ready but I had a lot to learn!  Luckily Liam had never been a newborn before so he didn't know I was still figuring a few things out! ;) I've learned to love in new ways and I certainly love more than I ever thought possible, each day my love grows.  I often think I can't love him anymore then the smallest thing will happen and my love grows wider and taller and fuller, it's taught me so much about the love of our creator.

It's funny how proud of him I get over funny things like standing.  I giggle a little to myself over this pride, I find myself cheering him on, out loud, Good Job Buddy!  Yay Liam!!!!  And he loves it, he'll stand and sit a thousand times if I cheer him on, it's hobby both of us enjoy.  I recently taught him to put smaller items inside of larger ones (cups), the other night he decided to put away his bath toys, he'd pick up one and put it in the basket we store them in.  One by one he put away about half of the toys.  I was so amazed!  Here is this little person that one year ago couldn't hold up his own head and now he's putting his bath toys away! WOW! My how time flies!

I cherish these moments, I try desperately to live in them, store them up in my soul to keep forever.  Motherhood is such a incredible blessing, my soul has new purpose and more love than it can possible hold.  I love each phase but I'm so excited for the next one.  I feel so blessed!

Much Love,
-Jen

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

1st Year Products We Loved Pt 1

This is part one because I know myself, I'll remember something I LOVE tomorrow! LOL!

I've been meaning to do one of these posts and with so many expectant moms out there right now I thought it would be fun.  In no specific order.......

Fisher Price Space Saver Highchair The name about says it all!  I started using this at about 5 months when Liam was clearly interested in food, we never looked back.  These days Liam hardly takes a bottle so he and the Space Saver are very close.  The seat reclines if you wanted to give a small baby a bottle and not hold them (which is odd but each to their own), the tray comes off easy and the straps/cover come off easy to wash.  You would have no idea my kid has had so much pasta and noodles, ours still looks brand new!

Playtex Bottles & Liners;  I was only able to breast feed Liam  until 3 months, then he ate through my stash until he was just shy of 5 months.  I'm not the most green momma around but it saved my sanity to not wash bottles all the time.

 

 Dr Oz's "You Raising Your Child" by far my favorite parenting book, but I'm also a huge Dr Oz fan.  I read his "You having a Baby" while pregnant and really liked it as well.

3 Things for your Baby "Medicine Cabinet":
1. Tooth Brush & Tooth Paste...Liam loves having his teeth brushed, I think because we would brush his gums once and a while before he had teeth!
2. Gas Drops....You will need them and you will be thankful you have them, trust me!
3. Saline Drops....We've only needed these twice, Liam gets these yucky drippy nose issues when teething and without the drops he can't breathe well at night and does sleep.

Aveeno: Liam has a little sensitive skin, he really loves this lotion....I may like it a little too!

Baby Trend Jogging Stroller: By far my favorite FAVORITE item EVER!  Our Baby Trend Jogging Stroller!! My dearest friend's mom gave this to me at my baby shower, I was shocked!  Liam and I have put countless miles on it already!  By the end of this summer it may need new tires!!

Lastly our Temperature Turtle!  Being a first time mom I was always unsure about the water, no guessing with this guy!  He just recently passed on and I'm confident in my bath-running skills to not need a new one....he sure is cute though!

Any momma's (or momma's-to-be) care to share what you loved?

Much Love,
Jen

Torn Between Nana & G'ma pt 2

You may recall that I recently wrote about being torn between Nana (who watches Liam 4x/week) and G'ma wanting to retire and watch Liam full time.  Essentially I wanted Liam to stay with Nanna and V wanted the opposite.....

V and I finally found time to sit down and have a long and thoughtful discussion on the topic.  Parenting isn't always easy, for me a vast majority of it comes naturally but some discussions seem like mountains, this was one of them....and as usual V and I had differing opinions.  I pride myself on being able to see both sides of most things most of the time, V is a little more black and white.  My train of thought was; while Liam would benefit from the extended amount of time with G'ma & family ultimately he would benefit more from staying with Nanna at least 3 days/week.  It important for G'ma to stay G'ma and not become our employee, I want her to enjoy and look forward to her time with Liam and additionally if she is able to work from home it will not be realistic to get work done and watch a toddler.  Nanna is family to me, not only does Liam love her and the two girls Nanna watches but at this point he's going to be an only child and it's important for him to have the exposure to other children.  I was a bit amazed when V agreed.  We decided on: Nanna watching Liam 3 days per week and G'ma could watch him 2 day/week, those days must be consecutive because we believe it's important for Liam to have consistency.  Right now G'ma hasn't made a firm decision on when she will retire so we are just going to leave things where they are and when her decision is made we'll advise her of ours.  Whew, one more decision down now only like 4 million more to go! :)

Much Love,
Jen

3 Weeks Postpartum

Weighty Issues: I weighed myself the other day, even though I said I wouldn't for the first month and guess what! I've already lost 75% of my baby weight!!! I have around 10lbs left to go (all of which is in my tummy, oh well).  This is entirely due to breastfeeding, I take no credit at all!


Stretch Marks: Remember that tiny single one I found on the bottom of my belly?  In the final days of my pregnancy it brought friends to the party.  I have two small patches of short stretch marks on the bottom of my belly and three around my belly button.  Oh well.


Sleep:  Liam sleeps 3 hour stretches at night (and sometimes during the day) so I get some sleep at night.  I've learned I can do anything with 3 hours sleep and one hand! :)


Best Moment this week: All of the moments are pretty sweet, Liam is a great baby and even when he's fussy he's not that fussy.  I love when he smiles, even if they aren't "real" smiles yet.


Food:  Yum.  I love food.  Since I'm home I'm eating pretty healthy.  And let's face it, it's way too much work to load up Liam to run and get fast food so I eat a lot of yogurt and granola, fruit, trail mix, string cheese and try to make dinner most nights.


Clothes: I'm still wearing my maternity pants, mostly out of fear of trying to smoosh myself into my pre-preg pants.  I can wear my pre-preg shirts just not the smallest ones.


Labor signs: Almost all signs of labor are gone, meaning I'm mostly healed "down there".  I won't lie to you, I'm still bleeding on and off but I'm free of pain (from my internal tear, ouch).


Belly Button: Looks somewhat like it did before. I still have the line running from my breast to my southern region as well.


What I miss: Not having people asking about breastfeeding, seriously everyone is interested and has opinions....even men!  Yikes!  So if I answer you in a vague manner it means stop asking!


What I’m looking forward too: The next ten minutes, I so love the time with him, everything is special!


Weekly Wisdom: Don't set yourself up for disappointment.  I went into my labor with a "whatever happens, happens" attitude and I have no regrets from it even though it was so different than I hoped it would be.  Because I didn't have my heart set on things going on specific way I was able to accept how it went.  I have the same attitude about breastfeeding, I'll do it as long as I can and be ok with it.  There is no use in setting yourself up for disappointment then having to mourn the loss of your high hopes. :)


Weekly WTF:  None...yet...this week anyway! :)


Nesting: Being home all day I do nest, sort of.  I try to nap when Liam naps but I often find myself doing chores (dishes, laundry etc), half the reason is feeling productive the other half is so that V can half all the daddy love time possible.


Milestones: Liam is three weeks old and I'm starting to understand his schedule, not too bad!


Coming soon: newborn pics!


For more on the development of a Three Week Old Baby click HERE.

Picture Perfect

I think I only have one regret about my pregnancy, it's not doing maternity pictures.  You know the adorable formal, dress cute ones.  Sure I did the weekly "belly picture" but by the time I thought you "should" do the official ones I was to tired/big/uncomfortable (depending on the day).  Simply put I didn't put the effort forth and I regret it.

BUT long before Mr Liam "came into this world" I signed him up for newborn pictures with a great local photographer!  Last week I went and had them done with Kristine Paulsen and Liam did great!  Kristine was super amazing and worked so well with us (and my new mommy schedule)!  She even made time for us this passed Sunday so we could do a few family shots (we all know what a fan V is of having his picture taken, I found a way to convince him which will make more sense when you see the pics!).  I know I will one day look back on these photos and treasure them, heck I'll probably treasure them a week after having them in my hot little hands!

Stay tuned, I'll be sure to post some!

Hello July

Wow, July already!  I can't believe I've been a mom for 17 days, honestly it feels like he's always been here, always been part of "us", and perhaps he has...he existed in my heart and soul long before he existed in my belly (uterus).
Liam is an amazing baby, truly he is.  He's sweet and snuggly and only cries when something is wrong.  I still can't tell which cry is for what but luckily there are only 3 or 4 things that he cries over so it doesn't take long to figure it out.  He's even sleeping for 3 hour stretches 2-3 times each night which is bliss!  We are so in love with this little guy, it really redefines love...my love for my husband, my understanding of the love of my savior, love in every way....pretty incredible!
The weather is warming up, finally though that means the flood warnings etc will continue as the snow pack in the mountains finally melts. But at least it allows Liam and I to get out and go on some short walks. You have no idea how the simplest outing lifts your soul, it's darn near impossible (and overwhelming) to leave the house with a newborn alone...trust me I did it yesterday, it was crazy and exhausting even though Liam did amazing!  I have a new respect for single parents, I have no idea how they do it!

I can't believe I'm through two weeks of my maternity leave, it's going to go by far too fast.  I wish it were an option for me to stay home with Liam but unfortunately it's not.  The primary reason is we have great insurance through my work, V has the option for insurance but it would be over three times the cost of mine.  We are far better off with me returning to work and we are blessed to have a family friend who will watch Liam three days a week for almost free.  He'll be loved and cared for by some one we deeply trust and that is priceless, it's as close to me staying home as we could possibly get and I'm forever grateful for that.

ACK!

*points to ticker*  A week!?!? Already!?!?  Please someone stop the clock! 

That is all, carry on.

Trips to Labor and Delivery #2, #3, #4 (and a Brith Story!)

Sorry I've been missing Peeps, as you can tell by the title our little guy (aka Liam!) arrived....on his due date...here is his brief Birth Story.

Monday, June 13th I woke up all throughout the night with contractions.  Finally at 6:30am I couldn't take it anymore I decided to shower since V would be up in about 30 mins.  After he got up we started timing them, and they were about 4 minutes apart consistently so we called our bosses and headed to Labor and Delivery!  We were hooked up to the monitors and found that yes I was in early labor and having consistent contractions but now they were 5 mins apart I was only dilated to 1.5 but 80% effaced.  We headed home to labor.  V and I spent the day walking, I took several showers and tried to rest.  After about 12 hours my contractions were much stronger, I felt I couldn't just labor at home anymore so we went to back to Labor and Delivery, we were monitored again to find that I hadn't made any progress but yes my contractions were much stronger (literally off the chart).  My dr offered me pain medicine and to stay at the hospital or to take a sleeping pill and go home.  We took the pill, got food on the way home (now midnight) and tried to labor at home...again.  Our sweet nurse said that 4am was the "witching hour" and she'd see us again then.  I half rolled my eyes and half hoped she was right.

At home V tried to rest and I labored while resting on and off.  Unfortunately the sleeping pill made me hallucinate so I didn't get much rest (I do not recommend taking sleeping pills while laboring).  I took a nap here and there showered around 3am, by 4am I literally could not take it another moment and tearfully got V up to take me to Labor and Delivery again telling him I would not let them make us leave again without a baby!  It was the longest car ride of my life (we only live ~7 mins away).  I don't recall who called my bestie and V's parents but they met us at the hospital.  I was checked and at 4cm, finally active labor!  My dr was already there for an emergency c-section so he was in and out to check on me, I know I saw him but I don't remember it.  I quickly reached 8cm and couldn't do it anymore and asked for pain management.  I was given a shot of something until the anesthesiologist arrived....unfortunately he entered the room and announced "we might now have enough time", WHAT!?  I begged him, "you have to do something" I was given a "intertecral" or two hour epidural. 

Two hours later the baby wasn't handling labor well, I was on oxygen and my dr was handling another emergency....oh yeah and my pain meds were all but gone!  Things got intense fast.  At about 9:20am I begged our amazing nurse "Where is Dr Wonderful?!?!"  Out of the blue he, suddenly there were 3 more nurses and a table full of medical supplies at my side and I was told "Jen, this just became a race." and heard Dr Wonderful say something about "intervention".  I pushed as hard as I possibly could through three contractions and Liam was born 20 minutes from when I asked for Dr Wonderful!  9:56am, weighing 6.15lbs and 20 inches long....I started balling and thanking God immediately!  He didn't cry right away and wasn't placed on my chest because they were worried about him having muconimum in this amniotic fluid and they said my placenta had issues so placed him on a near by table to be checked while I delivered the placenta and V took pictures.  Our nurses and staff were amazing, finally hearing Liam cry was incredible.  I had a internal tear which is healing slowly but other than that both Liam and I are perfectly healthy.  He's a sweet and cuddly little guy who has completely changed our lives for the better. 

Proof that miracles happen!

I think back to this time last year when V and I were facing the reality of infertility testing and our fears of never having a child and now here we are, the wait was worth it no matter how hard.  Today V and I will celebrate his first Father's Day and it nothing could be more fitting!  V is so incredibly smitten it's amazing and makes me fall so much more in love with him hourly.

I'm off now for another nap, it's true you really do have to sleep when the baby sleeps!!  And with breastfeeding every two hours those naps are like gold!  Fun fact, less than 5% of babies are born on their due dates, neat huh?

Sorry if my writing is at it's all time low these days, I won't lie to you I'm exhausted but in the best possible way.  He's worth every moment of exhaustion.  It's been wonderful to see all the people who love him come visit and check on us.  You know who you are.

Little Guy's Under the Sea Theme Room

For the record I'll be so glad when he's here so I can just use his name!  :)  Anyway I thought I'd share a few pics of his room.  We did stain the wood around the closet but still have to put the doors on....just waiting on G'pa!




Changing table, three fish I painted.

 


Dresser, closet doors to be put on someday and more animals I painted.




Closet and Glider.  Eventually baby's name will hang in this corner near the turtle I painted.



Misc stuff, amazing jogger stroller in the corner!



Crib, Carseat (DH did the shark!)




Gives you a better idea of the bedding (bumper and toys have been removed!)



Comforter (this is where the theme started, I saw this and was in love!)

Disbelief

So last week at my dr appt Dr. Wonderful mentioned that he thinks little guy isn't exactly so little.  He did some pushing around and said he thinks little guy is already 7-7.5lbs.  Not huge but then Dr. Wonderful did some pushing around on my...ah....naughty bits (for lack of a better word) and also mentioned that he doesn't think I have a very big pelvis.  Ut oh.  Because I'm not progressing yet he's not ready to talk induction and said "everyone gets a shot at labor." which freaked me the he!! out!  This pregnancy sure has been a ride and I had sincerely hoped at least this part would be, dare I say, somewhat easy or "normal".  No one wants a c-section, well maybe some women do but I'm not among them.  I spent that evening with V doing most things we could think of to get little guy to make some down-ward progress including talking to him about it.  The next morning I was so mad at myself for that.  After all the early scares we had about losing little guy (before we knew he was indeed a guy) now I'm trying to get him to come before he's ready?! WTF self, wtf!?  Needless to say today I've changed my attitude.  I'm in disbelief we've even made it this far, that in no more than no two weeks, by whatever means necessary, I'll have a healthy baby boy in my arms.  I really need to be way more thankful that my body has done such a great job of keeping him in there and baking him.  So what if he's a bit bigger!  I'll figure out how to heal and deal with a c-section, it doesn't make me less of a woman or mother! 

Sorry that was a bit rambly, nothing unusual for me, just needed to get that out. Happy Saturday Peeps!

~2 Weeks Remaining

Weighty Issues: I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~9 months but because I'm swellling a lot and retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates over10lbs!). I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings. So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: have not taken up residence on the belly [yet], the community of the on my boobies is expanding.....

Sleep: I learned that I feel better if I intentionally don't sleep too long so this weekend I made sure to only sleep an extra ~hour/morning and napped if needed, it was just enough and I felt pretty great all weekend, yay me!

Best Moment this week: Yesterday he was SO wiggly it was crazy and fun!  I can't belive he still has enough room to move as much as he was!

Food: The usual, salads, fruit etc.  I did have an amazing smoothie yesterday, may have to get another on the way home from the dr!

Clothes: Maternity, end of story....I mean really, who wears "normal" clothes at this point?!!?

Labor signs: I've had a few pains that left me standing there wondering if something was about to happen but nothing for sure....yet!  I had a really bad pain in my southern parts in front of my hubby and bestie over the weekend, it was kinda funny [in retrospect] because it hurt so bad I couldn't help but let out a "OUUUUCH!!!!" they both just stopped and looked me, lol!  I was like "sorry, carry on." :)

Belly Button: Oh my gosh it's SO out, it actually does hurt, it's ready to retreat!

What I miss: A couple things but the remaining days of my pregnancy are so few that I can deal.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: WTF hormones, seriously chill!

Nesting: I'm over nesting, I do re-organize little guys room frequently.....LOL!

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 6.8 lbs and 19.5 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a FULL TERM 38 week old baby click HERE.

Unsatisfied and Seeking [Career] Passion

So, I have to be totally honest about something...
Getting pregnant and expecting a child has caused a shift in my brain, a big one.  I haven't been satisfied with my job choices for a while but it's become way more real now that I'm supposed to be a role model to someone.  I went to college, putting myself through for 5 years and have a Marketing degree but it's not my passion (I do love it but can not make a living doing it where we live).  I have a passion that burns in my heart yet I go to a job everyday that I like (sometimes) but certainly don't love.  I know several people who have jobs they love and it's amazing to me, and it's sad to me how many of us just go to jobs we don't like or worse...hate.

I want to do something that will make me truly happy and make my son proud of me.  I know what I want to do, and V  happily supports me but taking that step is so hard!  I don't want to go back to school....the passion in my heart conflicts with not wanting more student loan debt.  I'm trying to wrap my head around how to pursue this passion, while adding little or ideally no additional debt to our lives.

Anyone else going through the same thing?  Any advice out there?

Full Term!!!

Weighty Issues: I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~9 months but because I'm swellling a lot and retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates over10lbs!). I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings. So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new to report here, belly is free and clear but the boobies are the opposite (and I think are going through another growth spirt so I've been rocking a huge sports bra daily!)

Sleep: Depends on the day, er night.  By the end of the day my feet are so swollen they feel like one giant bruise, they hurt enough to wake me from a dead sleep if one touches the other....It's getting increasingly difficult to get out of bed phsycially but other than that I'm trucking right a long.

Best Moment this week: I'm loving his wiggles more than ever today, they just feel extra special knowing how limited they are!

Food: Strawberries and Almonds!!

Clothes: Maternity, end of story...have I mentioned my clothes are starting to not fit and I'm totally unwilling ot buy more? Ek!

Labor signs: Only ZERO DAYS and I'll be full term so at this point I'm ok with when-ever little guy decides to make his apperance! Bring on the contractions!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)  I wonder if I'll ever want to wear my belly ring again?  I was so sad to take it out!

What I miss: Nothing at all.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week. Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently. :) I finished our registry last weekend with the help of my bestie and re-orgainized some things in little guy's room.  But as for real cleaning not so much.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 6 1/3 lbs and 19 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a FULL TERM 37 week old baby click HERE.

A big congrats to my dear friend J and her hubby G who welcomed baby Grady into the world yesterday!

Hard to believe

Hard to believe...seems like an understatement. 

With everything we've been through in the last almost two years, it's hard to believe tomorrow little guy will be full term.  Tomorrow, should he choose to come, he'd be perfectly fine, healthy, ok.  I'm pretty sure I didn't believe we'd make it to this day, with all the spotting, sickness and swelling I think there was a part of my brian that refused to accept as reality that he'd make it all the way here.  Now there is a room painted blue, lots of clothes and items to welcome him not to mention two parents who just can't wait to hold him (and countless family members both of blood and not).  I just can't wrap my head around it all!  I'm so ready for him to be here, and it feels good to say that knowning if he came he'd be ok.

Little guy, if you are listening I can't wait to meet you but I really think you should be a June baby so at least 8.5 more days ok? 

35 Days(ish) Days Remaining

Weighty Issues:  I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~8.5 months but because I'm retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates around 10lbs!)  I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings.  So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Belly is still pretty and stretch mark free, the boobies are zebra print now...I'm sorta afraid of what will happen to my boobies when my milk comes in....oh well.

Sleep: I'm randomly waking up during the middle of the night for a few hours.  I sleep better with the window open so that is a consistance occurance at our house (and it's only in the 40s at night here!)

Best Moment this week: I went to the dr and had a normal borning appt, everything was fine.  Such a relief.  And yesterday little guy was a wiggling fool, I was filled with joy just knowing he's safe and growing.

Food: I'm digging strawberries, oranges and apples (Gala specifically) and Ice Water.

Clothes: Maternity, end of story.  I'm super bored of the few items I have that are ok with the warming weather and my expanding size but unwilling to buy anything more.

Labor signs: Only 13 DAYS and I'll be full term BUT until at least then no-thank-you-please! I haven't had Braxton Hicks in months now either, yay!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)

What I miss: Nothing at all.  I love his kicks and punches, even when they hurt.  I'm ok with the heartburn and whatever else comes along, I can handle anything for the short period of time I have left with him.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week.  Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 5 1/4 and 18 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a 35 week old baby click HERE.

A Year Ago....

Wow, what a difference a year makes.

Last Mother’s Day was a horrible train-wreck of a holiday. I’m pretty sure I broke down no less than twice. The first break down was in church as our lead pastor announced his wife was pregnant with their seventh child and went on to talk about how he knows some struggle with infertility and that “God opens and closes the womb.” Cue Jen walking quickly and hopefully discretely to the bathroom to breakdown. Two hours later we are at a family lunch for mom-in-law (whom I love dearly) at a local restaurant when brother-in-law decides to inform V and I that “you really should give Dad[-in-law] what he really wants for father’s day and make him a grandpa.” I could no longer hold it all in, I whipped my head to look him directly in the eyes, speaking sharply “it’s not that easy for everyone, B!” to which he replied condescendingly “Oh Jen, yes it is.” I looked at him sternly and replied “no it’s not easy for everyone to just get knocked up!!!” And the table was hushed, I fumed in silence to myself; B has never even had a girl friend at nearly 25 years old, what does HE know about anything let alone infertility!!! V could tell I was at my breaking point and he quickly made our exit. As we approached our car in the parking lot I felt so broken, mom-in-law had rushed outside to hug me saying “we don’t care when you have kids or if you do, we love you!” And I blurted out as a I backed away from her, tearing up “we’ve been trying for a long time, I….we….I don’t think we can.” And I began sobbing. Although dad-in-law and grandma were clearing trying not to listen to our conversation I know they heard it all. Thankfully V grabbed me and hugged me and took me home.

I cannot explain the brokenness that was in my heart that day and the pain I felt for ruining mom-in-law’s mother’s day celebration. At home V promptly got me into my jammies and laid with me on the sofa just holding me, I’m sure he had no words but I didn’t need words, I needed his arms around me. In the coming weeks V and I would discuss openly with his parents our fertility issues and struggles and plans to peruse infertility testing and treatment. Thankfully they embraced us and loved on us during this incredibly challenging time. They listened, offered advice only when asked for it and most importantly the loved us and prayed for us. I could not have asked for a better reaction from them.

Today I can’t believe I’m pregnant and I am a mom on mother’s day. This little guy in me kicks away at me and I love every moment. I cannot wait for him to be here, crying in the middle of the night, with poopy diapers and all. This mother’s day I find myself crying again but it’s out of sheer joy for this miracle baby and all the love people have already poured out for him.

To all my friends out there waiting for your turn-you are always in my prayers, I know your turn will come I just wish I could tell you when.  I love you so much!