It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Goodbye Morning Nap, Hello Molars!

Holy Smokes, it's true when they say your child(ren) grow up so fast!  It feels like just yesterday Liam couldn't hold up his own head how he's a running fool!

A few weeks ago Liam started to transition out of his morning nap and like all other things so far we've let him take the lead on being ready or not.  He was clearly ready, so we had Nanna (who watches him 4 days/week) encourage it a little.  Within just two weeks he was fully transitioned, we had one little set back when he wasn't feeling so great but now we are clear on the side of no return.  And ya know what?  I'm so happy!  I know a lot of parents morn the loss of the morning nap because they fit in more "me" time or clean or whatnot and I certainly did use it as "me" time on Saturdays.  BUT this whole single two hour nap in the middle of the day is delightful!  We can leave the house for more than two hours at a time, why hello going to church!  Liam is clearly happy with the change as well.  It makes fitting a weekend workout in a little trickier for me but it's ok, I'd rather have the extra time with Liam anyway.

And in similar news the kid has a mouth full of teeth!  Seriously!  I had no idea this is how teething went!  He started in March and it's been pretty much back to back teeth!  Now he's getting molars! Molars! What?!  He doesn't seem old enough for this business!  The poor little guy, man they tell you molars are a b---h and they are!  I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he'd been so incredibly grumpy lately then I stuck my finger in his mouth, because that is what moms do....and hello THREE molars trying to come in (one had at least broken through the skin and two others are super puffy).  Duh Jen!  Gosh I felt like a bad mom, all my kiddo wanted was teething tablets!!!  And he was a saint after I gave them to him.  This whole parenting thing sure has a learning curve!

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

More Milestones Coming

I can hardly believe I'm about to type this but I had to book Liam's first hair cut.  The boy was born with hair, not a ton but it's gotten long and very curly!  No matter what I do he looks super disheveled at the end of each day, and I'm worried that sooner or later people will ask me if I have a little girl, so hair cut time it is.  I'm going to cry for sure, I teared up just making the appointment.

This Saturday Liam will have his first hair cut, then on Sunday we are having his One Year pictures taken (along with some family ones). It seems like just yesterday I was having his new born pictures taken!  I can hardly believe that this time last year I was full term, super swollen and just waiting for my miracle baby to be in my arms.  My heart overflows.

Much Love,
Jen

Bed-Sharing

There was a few nights there where V and I did bed-share with Liam, especially in those very early months.  It was out of desperation for sleep, thankfully those nights are long (LONG) in the past us.  We are blessed by a 7 month old baby who not only sleeps in his own crib but also sleeps through the night.  I'm not bragging, Liam did it all himself...one night he just decided to sleep for ~10 hours, after a few nights he was sleeping 11.5-12 hours most nights (if he does wake he falls right back asleep with his bink).  For us having a predictable evening routine works (5pm dinner, 5:30-6 play, 6:45 bath, only two nights/week or as needed, 7pm jammies, bottle, story, bed.)

The point is, I saw this online today and it's so damn funny, because it's true.  I almost peed myself laughing. 

Happy Friday Peeps.

Much Love,

Jen

Miracles Happen

I had forgotten about this post until today, one where I spoke about a dear friend (we actually grew up together), who was told she wouldn't be able to have anymore children without serious medical intervention....then she got pregnant with almost no medical intervention (she was only on metformin).

Her little boy just turned two months.  I've seen miracles just happen(song)!

-Much Love
Jen

Hello 4am

I knew this would happen one day, but today?  Liam turned 2 months yesterday and his dad let him sleep almost all day, I warned him this would happen, did he listen?  Of course not, he doesn't stay up when Liam gets up at night.  So here I am, killing time at 4am while Liam is WIDE awake.  Fear not, he's in his crib, totally content (I have the monitor right next to me and our house is small enough I can hear him making noises).  I just pray this doesn't throw his days and nights off completely, we've been so blessed, Liam has always slept at night, at least in a few hour windows.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day, luckily I took the day off in advance cuz I'm already so tired I feel sick.  I hear cereal calling my name.

Update:  Last night turned out to be a success in sheep's clothing!  (I think I'm using that metaphor wrong but it's because I'm exhauted!) I was able to put Liam in his crib and he slept there, only for two hours but it's a start!  Now we are enjoying my [extra] day off together AND he's napping in his crib!!! Glorious success!

Body making room for baby (link)

I found this link a long time ago, it shows the way a woman's body changes during pregnancy.  I think it's crazy (in a good way) how early the organs start adjusting to make room for the baby.

Click here to check it out!

Thoughts & Prayers

Hi Peeps,
Well, I'm counting the hours (just over 15!) until my ultrasound.  I'm not afraid, I no longer fear my pregnancy is ectopic because I've yet to have any pain or bleeding.  Now I'm just praying my little miracle is growing right along in the proper area, that we can see him/her on the ultrasound and get a due date.  If, by chance, you have any good thoughts or prayers laying around I would greatly appreciate them!  I promise to report back tomorrow afternoon. 

Another day dreaming post

Also known as cart before horse but hey a girl can dream!! (all images from etsy.com)

Wouldn't it be fun to tell V. with this shirt?!!?

This is too cute!

I may have to get this shirt!

Cuuuuute!

These are also far too cute.... yeah we will totally find out the gender.....

Now if I could just get knocked up already.....sigh.

Too Cute (day dreaming again)

Isn't this just too cute!!

Adorable Baby Photography Blog

A girl just posted this on The Bump and had to share: Mila's Daydreams

Jumping ahead of myself (aka daydreaming)

Today I am as hopeful as ever and thus spent by break daydreaming and browsing baby items....here are a few I thought I'd share (I found most on etsy or cafepress). Enjoy!

I love this style of art for the nursery!

Yep we are those kind of dog people!


Wouldn't it be fun to tell V with this type of shirt?
I don't think I'll be able to hold out long enough to ship it though.

A shirt for me perhaps?

(I don't know why the "A" is there, we'd have to change that)

How stinking cute is this?!

Totally for a boy but still sssooo cute!

Lastly perhaps a way to announce the gender?

Love these shirts!