Building a House: The Waiting Game

Perhaps God is using this experience as another opportunity to teach me to be patient.  I wonder how that is going.....cuz I'm not a patient person.

Something I didn't expect about building a house; because we are building in a subdivision we picked a model and some upgrades and I thought you just paid the listed price, like buying boots at Target. 

Apparently not, the developer even told us "let me know what your offer is".  Later in the conversation he also mentioned the builder wanted permission to build a spec. home through the winter to keep his crew busy.  Two key things that led us to believe there was some wiggle room on the price.  Here's the thing though, I don't want to offend this guy, he seems very on the straight and narrow.  After speaking to our realtor he suggested that we ask him to pay our closing costs and use that money to purchase upgrades to our home (we planned on the upgrades anyway)....so we did.  We officially placed our offer this morning....so the waiting begins.  The developer has until Thursday to get back to us, I wish he'd just accept the offer as is so we can break ground!!

I'm so ready for this whole process to get rolling!!!

It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

32ish Hours Until My FIRST Half Marathon

If I said I felt completely ready I'd be lying.  My little family unit of 3 spent the last week at the family cabin which means I've done almost no running.  The final week before a half or full marathon you aren't supposed to train hard but I would feel better if I'd gotten at least one or two runs in, but it just wasn't in the cards.

With that said, I'm as ready as I can be.  Tomorrow I'll pick up my registration info, maybe go on a sort hike for some last minute cross training (or maybe a walk), I'll have a big pasta dinner along with the powerade I've been chugging.  I have comfortable and work-out appropriate clothing and shoes...all the equipment I need.  I've worked hard for months, it's not about my time, it's just about finishing.

V is being supportive as he has been this whole time.  He, Liam, my in-laws, and bestie are planning to meet me at the end of my race.  It's funny because I imagine most people spend a lot of energy thinking about the moment they cross the finish line....I haven't.  I'm certain I'll cry because that is just who I am but other than that I haven't really thought much about, I sorta just look at this as another run (reality will surely set in when I see the thousands of people waiting to start the race too).  I am blessed to live in a beautiful city, I can't wait to do this run and as I've mentioned before I'm pretty excited to have it done too. :)

I'll surely post a few pics and the results after I have recovered!
Much Love,
Jen

Celebrating My One Year Old

This Saturday friends and family will gather and celebrate my little boy's first birthday.  Little boy, not really a baby any more.  He's waving like mad and side-steps around furniture, walking is on the horizon! 

My bestie is making mounds of sweets, I've got almost all the decor ready now as long as the weather plays nice we should have a fun little time.  I've planned a few games that the kids can play if they'd like, the adults can just mingle and hang out.  (V's family is so big that we invited 60 people almost all of which are solely family). 

I'm excited to celebrate him with those who love him! 

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

On Reality Checks

from google images

God hands me little reality checks, and I need them.  Lately I've gotten a series of them, gently reminding me that things could be much worse and to be thankful for what I have.  I don't know about you but I never get one little reality check at a time, it seems when it rains it pours.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still just observing my life and so many around me are going through something so difficult and I'm helpless.  I stand there with a heavy heart, empty hands that are clinched in prayer yet I feel so helpless.  Parents are struggling with their children's illnesses (cancer) while trying to manager their own (cancer).  Marriages are failing apart, two of my co-workers are in the middle of nasty divorces as is a close friend.  I could go on and on, my heart breaks for friends/co-workers etc.

I don't consider where I am in my life perfect but I have so much to be thankful for....and it's time to be mindfully thankful each day.

Today I am thankful for my son's health and my God's grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you."

Much Love,
Jen

On My Auto Immune Disease...An Update

Yesterday I had another appointment with Dr. T.  Or so I thought... I arrived at the lab a few minutes early for my blood work, there was no order, I walked over to Dr. T's office to get one only to learn my appointment was mysteriously canceled.  I sat around while a couple woman ran around trying to figure it out, we all know by now I get anxious about my appointments...this didn't help but in similar situations I always tell myself "we are all just humans, mistakes happen, as long as it can be resolved then no harm no foul."   Orders in hand I headed to the lab to wait an hour.  Thankfully I managed to be-friend one of the receptionists, she noticed I'd been waiting forever (45 minutes) and went back to tell them I am a oncology patient and need my blood work done now so I could make my appointment.  While I do not have cancer I am seen in the oncology department so I was ok with this and it meant I got in and out.  Back over to Dr. T's waiting room I went.  While I was waiting the practice administrator came out to introduce herself to me, she was so helpful while I was battling insurance, it was so sweet that she wanted to meet me and congratulate me on winning! It was just another few minutes before I was on my way back to an exam room.  As usual I was weighed, I've managed to maintain my weight for the last 4 months, I'm currently 14lbs below my per-pregnancy weight! Thank you My Fitness Pal! (it's free, sign up, message me and we can buddy up!)

Before I knew it Dr T came in.  I'm so thankful I get to stay in his care, even though my appointment was mysteriously canceled he took his time to talk to me about different things...like the fact that about 50% of the time when ITP is discovered and there is another associated disease existing and my fears.  I was so freakishly nervous.  Since 6 months have passed Dr T. is no longer concerned about associated diseases, he thinks I just have a idiopathic chronic case of ITP that will be intermittent for the rest of my life.  This is good news, the other associated diseases are scary....so scary (message me if you have specific questions, I'd be happy to discuss those).  He even said "I don't want to cause you to worry more by telling you this"... I reassured him I prefer the education....I'll worry anyway.  He also said I really shouldn't worry about having more children, that if I do get pregnant and my ITP worsens during my pregnancy I can do the IV treatments (this is an 8 hour treatment, in the hospital! Yikes!). I would be unable to do steroids while pregnant.  I'm still petrified of having another child.  He reassured me that he doesn't think I will ever have normal platelet numbers but I don't need them to be normal to be ok (normal is over 150k), as long as I can stay around or above 80k I can live a normal life full of the activities I love.  My numbers weren't available so I headed back to work (two hours late) and he said he'd call me.

I went to a movie with my dearest friend E. at 7pm thinking I wouldn't hear from Dr T until the next day.  Nope, I missed his call twice around 8pm.  He called me again at 9pm and again took time to talk to me.  He mentioned that I was more nervous than ever before.  He again took time to talk to me about how "this is not a death sentence, it's just annoying....you are doing very well and I expect your recurrences to be spread out over years not months".  My platelet numbers have continued to lower about 20% to 90k.  He reminded me of what to watch for and reminded me I don't need an appointment to have my blood checked, to just call him and I could go over on my lunch and be checked, he would call me.  I'm just so thankful for him, he gets me....he doesn't just brush off that "I over think this whole thing" (my words).  I have another appointment in August. (Side note, I'm no longer anemic! Yay!  I still have to stay on Iron for 3 month but that is fine.)

So it is good news, I'll probably need treatment again in the fall.  It will probably be steroids...while the side effects are rough...I prefer them because the thought of the IV treatment terrifies me (did I mention they are $10k a pop?).

I know I say it all too often but I'm really going to work on looking at the big picture and stop worrying about the little stuff.  I can't plan and control everything, or really much at all.  At the end of the day I still have a pretty great life, sure a few things could be different and better but over all I'm pretty darn blessed.


Other related posts:
My Diagnosis with ITP
What is ITP?

Much Love,
Jen

Search Words

I'm that nerdy blogger who wonders who is reading me (if anyone) and how they found me.  I randomly check my stats and rarely find anything out of the ordinary until this afternoon.  Today when I reviewed the search words that lead to my blog I was humbled.  Two of the most common words searched that lead to my blog are:

Miracles
I've seen Miracles Just Happen

I don't know what kind of miracles these people are looking for or if they are simply looking for a glimmer of hope.  I recall many-a-time when I was so desperate for some hope in our trying-to-conceive journey, I read so many blogs, several I still follow.  Is this the miracle these people are seeking, I don't know but whatever kind of hope they are looking for I pray from the depths of my soul that they find even the smallest amount here.  Liam is a miracle baby, my journey through the whole autoimmune disease thing feels like a miracle to me.

I believe in miracles, I believe they happen everyday and all around us if we are willing to see them.

a whisper

I need to whisper something to someone but there is no one I want to tell.  I don't want to tell my loved ones and a stranger might think I'm nuts.  I want to whisper it because I'm worried.  I want to whisper I'm bruising again....like I was before and I can't explain them...I'm worried, it's not just one or two but several bruises....  I carefully considered who would reply how and what I really need to hear right now and came up empty-handed.  I don't want to hear "it's ok, nothing to worry about." nor to I want to hear "call Dr T, get your numbers checked now."  no response will do.  I'm not going to call Dr T early (my next appt is one week from today) yet I don't want to hear it's nothing either.  I know I probably sound like a brat, maybe I am but this is how I'm choosing to deal with the situation.  I stand, almost frozen, I don't know what to do.  If my numbers are low I'll either have to re-up my daily dose of steroids or consider the next [very scary] treatment option.  I fear my treatment road is only extending instead of drawing to a close like I had my heart set.  I fear it means I really am chronically ill and will have to deal with this whole thing for much longer, that this whole crazy situation is not drawing to a close.  I'm trying hard to keep my hopes high, knowing I could be wrong but the reality of it all is hard to ignore right now. 

I've always prided myself on being able to cling to hope no matter what, today I'm barely hanging on by my finger-nails.  It's just one of those "what it rains, it pours" kind of days.

Just a vent post. 
Thanks for reading-

Happy Dayz

After the better part of a work-week on one fewer pills/day I feel like I'm on top of the world!  I have energy and a good attitude again, it's so normal but so glorious all at the same time!

Today G'ma had Liam at our house and when my boss decided we needed a "early out" I scurried off under the shimmer of fall sunshine to check out a local child-consignment place I adore.  I enjoyed weaving through traffic with my music up and my too-big sunglasses shielding my eyes as I observed the leaves about to change to fall's beauty.  It was a mere few minutes of rare alone time but I soaked it in and allowed my mind the room to wonder that she so needed. 

After scoring a few treasures (I promise a picture tomorrow, it's going to be priceless!) I was back in the car and headed to my baby.  I couldn't help but think about the last seven days, perhaps the craziest seven days of my life.  They started with a genuine fear that I was going to pass away far too young and have ended with a fresh new attitude of gratitude for each day with my husband, baby, amazing friends and family.  I want to remember that fear, desperately.  I want to hug it close, pull it into my chest and lock it away in small closet in my heart so I won't forget.  As crazy as it sounds I hope that fears never leaves me so I won't so easily forget to cherish the small things in life, life enjoying a moment of fall sunshine on the way home to the arms of my baby.

My health scare was intense, and while it seems to have passed (at least for now), it seems to have changed me and my outlook, I pray with my whole heart that these changes are concrete and that I can always remember what it felt like in that place.

Acceptable

Yesterday morning I dropped Liam off with Nanna and came back home to gather my thoughts before my second appointment with Dr T (hematologist extraordinaire).  Time wasn't moving quickly enough yet I didn't have enough time to reasonably to go to work and make it back to this side of town.  I decided to get gas and show up to the lab extra early. 

I arrived at the hospital and emotions of two years ago when my friend Jamie passed came flooding back, this is my only other association with this hospital and I thought to myself; if I never set foot here again it will be too soon.  I rode the elevator with the friendliest of old men to the second floor that holds the lab and oncology department, as I arrived at the lab it was all to clear that again I was the youngest person around by a good 30+ years.  So many eyes watched me enter the room, I signed in and quickly found a spot near the back of the waiting room, good thing I came early because the room was full of people waiting...so sad to see, what are all these people here for? What news are they hoping to get or not get?  I was distracted for a time by the women near me who ran through a box of tissue within moments, for the first time I truly feared getting a cold...I could get so sick, Dear Lord please let my numbers be good.  I could literally feel fear trying to settle into my bones and make a home there...thankfully I was called back, poked (hard, it really hurt this time and I bled like crazy which made me scared,  oh no are my numbers really low and now I'm not clotting?!) and after just a few minutes with a small pink band aid hidden under my cardigan I was headed to the Cancer Specialists office that is home to Dr T.  I dread walking in there but at least the staff has to be some of the kindest I've ever encountered in my life, they already know my name, their smiles are kind and warm.

I sat admiring the art again and trying to distract myself once again, this time the waiting room was almost abandoned except for one elderly woman and I.  I messed around with my ipod not allowing thoughts to creep in and forcing tears back trying to ignore the what ifs that kept trying to wiggle their way into my heart.  Finally I was called back, weighed and walked passed Dr T, whose beeper went off right then....I felt scared for the person who had to page him and bummed that it likely meant a long wait for me.  Once in the room I was right; I had all too much time alone in the silence with only fancy diplomas to read.

Thankfully my wait would be worth it, Dr T came in with "acceptable" news,.  I'm already responding well to the medicine (technically steroids) that I've been on for 5 days.  My platelet numbers have gone from dangerously low to "acceptable" and I've been okay'd to lower my daily dose from three pills every day to just two (plus meds to keep my stomach stable).  This news couldn't have come sooner, the side effects were killing me, when Dr T asked if I had been sleeping I started to weep which is my usual response when I'm far too tired.  I caught him off guard which made me feel bad, he offered me sleeping pills which I declined.  I already feel like I'm on hand full daily of pills, I agreed to take Tylenol pm if I started to get desperate.  This time Dr T felt more personable, it may just have been that I was so much less fearful but it was nice.  He gave me a brief physical which mostly consisted of checking my various lymph nodes for lumps and bumps, asking if I have any pain (I do, I'm terribly achy) and discussing the plan moving forward.  Since I've responded quickly he's no longer worried about my bone marrow being sick/weak/infected so we can try one week with one less pill per day, if I can at least maintain my platelet levels I can try going down to just one pill per day.....I don't even want to talk about what if I can't maintain right now, it's big and scary so I'm hoping for the best.  For right now I'm going to hope this is an acute case that could go away with short term treatment.

I walked out of the exam room and scheduled my next appointment and labs feeling a little less weight on my shoulders but praying I would not forget the lessons the last five days have taught me, my priorities have been square in line with what they should have been all along!  I've been making more time for V and Liam, resting more and just not letting the stress of daily life get to me, please Lord let these lessons resonate with me.  In the parking lot I called V, I just wanted to share my causious yet exciting news with him.  V seemed thankful I didn't recieve bad news alone but couldn't talk long as he was already at work.  I shot off a text to two of my dearest friends whom I promised to keep posted and dashed to the office, I may have gotten acceptable news but I desired the distraction of work.

So one more week of trying to rest whenever possible and praying for the best.

Tomorrow should be interesting.

Sorry I've been slacking on the 30 blog challenge, I'll get back to that shortly. 

Tomorrow is the day we start our fertility testing, I can't believe this day is here.  I never in a million years would have thought this would happen to us but it's just our journey so no reason in complaining.  Despite my tone I am excited, I'm ready and as hopeful as ever, I have full faith that God will provide us with a child to love!  V wants me to test in the am and I will, I just hate seeing those negatives (hopefully it will be our last!). 

So if you happen to have any spare prayers I would greatly appreciate them!

I love this....

It's a scrabble tile made into a charm, from Etsy.com.

Jade Green

Is my favorite color, well in truth all shades of green are my favorite color(s). Ironically this was not the case about two and a quarter years ago. That's right it was not until my wedding day that green really became my favorite color. Silly, I know but it's true. I was married on a crisp March afternoon just a few days before St Patrick's Day (that is a story for another day, sorry). There is something about March, it's so much more special to me now, it brings so much hope...the long winter is attempting to end, flowers and trees are doing their best to bring some color and life back to the world and it comes first as little pops of green.

Over the last two years, I have slowly acquired a growing love for all shades of green. I wear it (thankfully I can rock it!), I want to paint the walls the color (not all the walls), I buy sheets and accents in all shades, essentially I add it to my life during all the seasons of the year. My newest addition in the shade of green, jade green, is a Dell Laptop. V. thinks it's loony but doesn't care. He's not a big fan of computers and could really care less, I think he's just thankful it's not pink (yes I do wear a lot of pink). Could you see my manly husband using a pink laptop?? The sight just makes me giggle!!

I have so enjoyed typing my first blog post on my new "Greenie" (yes I named my laptop, I am officially that girl, LOL!) I have a feeling her and I are going to have a long road of blog posts together!

This isn't her exactly but you get the idea:


So what do you think? Is there a story behind your favorite color?

My Hope Overflows

The last two or so days I've had an excess of hope, it's been really nice. I'm officially 1/2 way through my provera Rx so in the next 7-21 days I'll have a period, I've never so looked forward to that awful time of the month! Somewhere, somehow in the last 5 or so days my hope has grown like weeds and I'm so happy, nay elated! My heart leaps for joy inside my chest even now! I'm back to my goofy self looking at maternity shirts, and pregnancy apps (for my ipod touch), and day dreaming about pregnancy and all things babies. I'm not sure what "caused" this or if it's just the Big Man upstairs pouring out his amazing love on me but it's so welcome.

An End in Sight for Cycle #3

I finally had my dr’s appointment to ask questions yesterday. I’m surprised by how well it went. I didn’t feel rushed and I held it together really well, I only got a little misty eyed once! I went through all my well thought out questions and feel like I got all of them answered. For now I’m on a 10day prescription of Provera to induce a period, which can happen at any point in the next 2 weeks. With the hope that my body will go back to having a cycle on it’s own since I had two normal length cycles before this monster of a cycle. If my next cycle is long we’ll stop it at 60 days so I don’t have to worry about going nearly as long. Essentially my dr doesn’t want to test for anything unless I have another long cycle. Then we can look at PCOS and other potential factors, she thinks that I might not be making enough estrogen. Who knows. I just feel glad to have a plan in place and to at least feel like I might know what the next few months could look like. I know she is only a dr and only God knows what is going to really happen but I am SO thankful to feel some sense of what is going on. I feel so much better (other than I think I might already be experiencing side effects from my first pill, oh well whatever it takes!)
Whew!



With much HOPE and Love,

Jen

Wisdom

Yesterday my dr was called into emergency surgery and hence my appointment was rescheduled for today. I won't lie it stressed me a bit. This is a hard thing to be going through, and at times I feel pretty alone. Until I realize God is right here with me, he's going through it with me and has provided me an amazing husband to walk this road with me, this is our journey and God has us right where he wants us. We just have to continue walking out his plans for us.

My bestie sent me a link to this blog called Masterpiece Mothering and today's post really touched me, click below to read it. I hope it blesses you and touches your heart the way it did mine.

Masterpiece Mothering

~Much Love~

Addison Road - Hope Now

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for hope, in all it's forms. Now go look at the youtube video I just linked "Hope Now" by Addison Road.
Much Love!

~Hope~

The worst part about all that I am going through with our journey to family is that I am not last women who will have to deal with this. This won't be cured with me or even the next woman. That is so sad to me. But I still have so much hope, no matter what it takes or where this journey takes us. I just know the Lord will provide us with the child our heart desires. I know that God himself provided us with this desire and I know undoubtedly that it will be fulfilled. I'm learning to give up my desire to be so in control of the how and when. After all, if I'm honest with myself I'm not in control and I have never been and more so I will never be.

A week from tomorrow I have an appointment with my dr (not her assistant for once). I'll go with all my questions written out and not leave without a clear idea of her objectives regarding the medicine she wants me to take and a plan (or at minimum a general idea) for the road ahead. Should she be unwilling to provide me with the information I need to feel comfortable I will quickly have a new dr. I'm pondering having my mom-in-law come with me, even if she just sits in the lobby, I may need that strength. So many thoughts rumble through my head at this moment.

Until Next time,
~Much Love~