My Body 18 Months After Baby

This post is full of TMI so if the thought of that makes you qweezy turn back now, you've been warned.


First I'll start with the elephant in the room, or lack thereof.  I've lost 63 pounds since having Liam.  I gained 49 of those while pregnant.  I had a lot of swelling but it still took a lot of effort to loose the weight.  I've kept it off now for just shy of a year.  At first I just lost the weight, I was skinny fat.  I looked thin but had little muscle to speak of.  I counted calories {using MyFitnessPal.com}for over 9 months straight, almost every day.  Last Spring I took up running jogging, this improved the condition of my body immensely.  It also kept me sane while I dealt with my Autoimmune Disease.  Although I'm now what many people call skinny (I prefer healthy) I'm not as confient as you would think.

First I have stretch marks, the worst of which are on my breasts.  Most of them have faded greatly....except on my breasts.  I got those nasty purple ones that are deep as the grand canyon on my breasts.  I tried hard to breast feed Liam for the first three months of his life, during those three months 90% of my milk was in my right breast, it was literally a solid D and the left one was a small B.  I'd also like to take a moment to say not all women get stretch marks just on their breasts and bellies, I have some in the oddest of places.....I'll leave it at that.

Which brings me to my next topic; my breasts or lack thereof.  You know how some women joke about their breasts resembling tube socks with sand in the bottom after having a baby?  They weren't joking.  For a wide variety of reasons (including my weight gain and loss) my breasts are a very small B on a good day (you know those days when you had too much salt the day before?).  They also are empty feeling, I don't know a better way to say it than that, it's odd at best.

And lastly my stomach.  While it's flater than I would have imagined it would ever be I still have some loose skin around my belly button.  It's not horrible but it's weird sometimes.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get it even sort of tight again.

These things leave me uncomfortable even sorta naked, even around my husband.  He doesn't seem to mind but I dunno, I guess I'm still just a little uncomfortable in this body.  It still feels a little foreign to me.  Please don't think I'd trade Liam for my old body because I would NOT.  I'm proud of this strange new body, first and foremost it gave me Liam that in itself is a miracle I would not trade for anything.  This body made it through the crazy experience which was (and unfortunately looks like will be [more on this later]) my Autoimmune Disease.  Last but not least this body did a Half Marathon in 2 hours and 42 minutes.  I really am in the best shape of my life, it's just superficial stuff that bothers me.

I guess my real point is I'm not as confident as you would expect me to be, even though I'm certainly in the best shape of my life.  I have a co-worker who is on her journey to loosing some weight, she constantly says things about wanting to look like me and sometimes I think to myself "you don't want these boobs or belly trust me."  I suppose the real lesson here is to not compare ourselves to others, no matter what they may look like etc. Don't judge a book by it's cover.

Much Love (and Honestly)
-Jen

Feeling Pretty {Me Time}

Since completing  my first half marathon earlier this month I'm finding it difficult to make time for myself.  I know I've said it a million times before but I don't like spending time away from Liam unless he's asleep, I'm a working mom and therefore I only get maybe 3 hours with him after work each day.  I'm blessed that V and I have similar work schedules and that Liam sleeps 12 hours at night, this allows many opportunities for me to take "me" time.

The problem lies with me actually taking the time and using it for myself.  I typically run around like a mad woman cleaning, organizing and doing things that could easily wait for another day.  I'm taking a bit of a break from running too, running is certainly me time but my body needs restoration.

Last night though I went out of my way for some Jen time.  After Liam went down I told V I was going to run errands and I intended to but my nails have been bugging me for....ever.  I'm not usually that girl that wants a manicure, sure I like them but I also enjoy doing my own nails.  Lately though my hands have been rough and my cuticles a hot mess, it was time.  I would typically want to go to a nice spa and enjoy a fancier manicure but it was 8pm on a Monday night, only the express place in the mall would still be open.  I jetted over there and after a short wait my nail were being primped and polished!  I got to sit in relative silence, enjoy some Olympics (Volley Ball) and come out feeling pretty, success....sweet success!  I no longer had time to run the errands I wanted to accomplish, all the placed I had hoped to hit up were closed and I couldn't have cared less!  I stopped at the grocery store near our home to get a few things, got gas and headed home.  I literally pranced through the door, I felt that good about myself (new moms are easy to please!) I declared no errands were accomplished, I got a manicure!  V just smiled; good!

Tonight Liam is down for the count, he's getting two more teeth (on the tops) and it's wiping him out.  V is playing video games and I think I'm going to ignore the chores I could do and look for a new book!  (V got me a kindle fire for My Birthday/Mother's Day and I love it!!! I've already read: Kisses from Katie, Girl Walks Into a Bar, Bossypants & Where You Left Me.)

I hope each of you are having a lovely Tuesday!
-Jen

The Day After {My First Half Marathon}

Today has been slightly surreal.  It's hard to believe that yesterday really did happen.  When my alarm went off at 6am I was completely confused and really wanted another hour of sleep!  Putting my feet to the floor was slightly painful and I was a bit stiff but I didn't have time to be stiff-life was calling!  I showered and got ready for work before Liam was awake (typical day), not gonna lie I was hobbling around!  I specifically chose to wear a dress to work and dressy sandals so I didn't have to deal with pants and heals.  After Liam was up we all ate breakfast and before we knew it the time had come to head out.

The work day was long and short all at once.  My boss and co-worker also did the half marathon (my boss did her first half marathon last year and my co-worker did her first full last year).  For every one minute of work we did we talked about the race for eight minutes, it was really funny!  My boss commented several times that we were all still on a runner's high! I could tell my body wasn't handling sitting at a desk all day well; it craved a walk, some stretching, salad and sunshine.  No dice.  Thankfully we all did go to lunch and enjoyed some Mexican food which also meant a short walk in the sun.

Finally quitting time rolled around, I thought for sure I could at least get Liam out for a quick walk right when I got us home.  No dice again, it starting to thunder before we even got around the block.  After feeding all of us, Liam needed a bath and suddenly it was 7pm and Liam was exhausted so we put him to bed.  Freedom!  V totally understood and set me free!  I went to Target and just wondered around.  I emerged to cooler temps (it had been upper 90's earlier in the day).  I returned home and walked around our neighborhood, it felt so good to just walk!  After a while I was missing my hubby so I went home and snuggled until bed time (well, I blogged just before heading to bed, wink-wink).

The funny thing is I sorta feel like I did last summer, right after having Liam.  My priority (second to taking care of my family) is listening to my body, I'm eating what I feel called to eat and, when possible, just doing what will help it heal.  I feel great now, I'm super happy and proud of this accomplishment....and just might be already planning my next (much shorter) run/race.  Hehe!!

Nighty-Night!
Jen

32ish Hours Until My FIRST Half Marathon

If I said I felt completely ready I'd be lying.  My little family unit of 3 spent the last week at the family cabin which means I've done almost no running.  The final week before a half or full marathon you aren't supposed to train hard but I would feel better if I'd gotten at least one or two runs in, but it just wasn't in the cards.

With that said, I'm as ready as I can be.  Tomorrow I'll pick up my registration info, maybe go on a sort hike for some last minute cross training (or maybe a walk), I'll have a big pasta dinner along with the powerade I've been chugging.  I have comfortable and work-out appropriate clothing and shoes...all the equipment I need.  I've worked hard for months, it's not about my time, it's just about finishing.

V is being supportive as he has been this whole time.  He, Liam, my in-laws, and bestie are planning to meet me at the end of my race.  It's funny because I imagine most people spend a lot of energy thinking about the moment they cross the finish line....I haven't.  I'm certain I'll cry because that is just who I am but other than that I haven't really thought much about, I sorta just look at this as another run (reality will surely set in when I see the thousands of people waiting to start the race too).  I am blessed to live in a beautiful city, I can't wait to do this run and as I've mentioned before I'm pretty excited to have it done too. :)

I'll surely post a few pics and the results after I have recovered!
Much Love,
Jen

Final Week of Marathon Training

I'm so thankful that my marathon (half marathon to be specific) is coming to a close, at least for this race.  I am still absolutely in love with running however I'm becoming exhausted.  Here is an overview of reasons I'm ready to be done training.

1.  Liam is going to bed later and later which means I'm running later and later.
2.  It's getting difficult to find enough time to run 8+ miles (this takes me around 2 hours).  
3. When I run late I can't fall asleep, typically I'm out at 9:30p...when I run after 8pm I don't get to bed/fall asleep until around 11p (and I have to be up at 6a to get ready for work).
4. It's getting HOT here, last night I ran at about 8pm and it was still in the eighties....too hot for this girl!  Last night I only did two miles and was dripping sweat!
5. I'm yearning to hike, hiking and training is killing me (although I love how tone my legs are).  It's just too much to mix.
6.  My body is just tired, luckily the rest of my runs before the actual marathon are 4 miles are less.
7. Lastly, I'm just ready to go out and run with no mileage requirement, no nothing other than the desire to run.

Ok one more, I'm just really ready to do the race, see my time and have the accomplishment.  But for now I'm pooped, it's going to be a super early bed time for me.

Much Love,
Jen

My {Running} Addiction

Finding the time to run is a challenge but it's always worth it once I'm out there doing it.  Last night was the perfect example of this.  V made dinner after he got home around 5:45p, we all ate and before we knew it Liam's bedtime had arrived.  I changed into my running clothes, got Liam ready for bed, V gave him the last bottle of the evening and I read to him.  Soon V was placing our little blessing in his bed and I was headed out the door.  I always stop to tell V exactly where I am going and how long it should take, it's just something I have to do.

7:30ish I was out the door and on the pavement.  One earphone playing my favorite songs and the rhythm of my pace carried me away.  There are a few things I must be worried about because they kept bouncing through my mind, each time I'd push them away and just enjoy the moment.  Not to mention I had to pay attention to traffic on my way to the trail.  It was a comfortable 65 degrees, I was working hard enough that I needed to take off my top layer shirt, the cooler air felt so good as I went along the winding river path.  There is what some call a "running community" here, and now that I consider myself a runner I understand why!  It is beautiful place to run, running here has given me a new understanding and love of this city. I wish I could eloquently describe how running clears my mind but my words are too simple, the peace and silence is such a blessing!  I almost always feel like I have a fresh perspective and the energy to take on the world after a run.

I logged four miles last night, had you told me six months ago that I would be doing this I would have laughed at you. Doing a marathon has always been on my bucket list but I guess I never really thought it was achievable considering I've had asthma for 20 years.  I don't even recall why exactly I took up running this spring but I did and the more I did it the more I thought I really could do the half marathon this summer!  Now it's a true joy and passion in my life.  I'm deeply concerned about running in the fall and winter, running on a treadmill just isn't the same...in fact it's mind numbing comparatively.  Before I knew it 50 minutes had passed, I was back at my front door dripping sweat, feeling so relaxed and ready for a snack and shower.  I always get the best rest the night after a good run!

Two of my co-workers run with their children, age 17 and 11, I genuinely hope that one day running is a hobby that Liam and I can enjoy together.  Perhaps that should be on my bucket list (although if running isn't his thing that is ok).

Much Love
-Jen

(*written 5/31, I didn't have time to post it)

Running Stuff I Love

Every once in a while I ramble about stuff I'm loving, it's just a nice way to do a fluffy post.  This afternoon one of my female co-workers and I went on a run over our lunch and I got to thinking about the running item I've invested in and thus invested in my health.

Without further ado; Running Stuff I Love (in no particular order)

1. New Balance Watch & Heart Rate Monitor!  The hubby got this for me last Christmas (upon my request) and I love it.  If you click the link it leads you to amazon where it's cheaper than we purchased at Target, still worth the investment.  You can track your heart rate, calories burned and it's helped me track my time. I thought the band would be uncomfortable but I don't even notice it.
2. Nathan Sprint Handheld Bottle Carrier! Or as I call it; a water bottle.  You can't carry much in this but it has adjustable Velcro so it doesn't feel like you are carrying anything.  Worth every penny!
3. Life is Good Hat! Mine is actually a different style and super old but I find a hat necessary.  This one sure is pretty and the brand is great quality.
4. Danskin Running Capris.  To be honest I bought these out of necessity.  If you run enough cotton will wear out in areas it rubs, take a moment to think about that.  I wouldn't normally chose these pants because they showcase everything (every-little-thing) but they are light and comfortable.  Also they are half the price of this link at wally world.
5. I Pod Shuffle.  Need I say more?  Mine is really old and sadly on it's last leg but I keep bringing 'er back to life.  We've logged so many miles together!
6. Sports Bra.  More specifically a padded one, the boobies will never be the same after my pregnancy/nursing.  It's half vanity.
7. Myfitnesspal.com  (no image above).  This helped me loose the extra baby weight, I'm now officially ~15  pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight, and I have been for months.  I'm super proud of myself for getting it off and keeping it off.  I'm pretty much in the best shape of my life.

What exercise items do you love?
Much Love,
Jen

On Running/Marathon Training

necklace here (etsy)

To be specific half marathon training.  So far so good!  I have worked my way up to 6 miles at a time, my all time best!  I am not fast by most people's standards, however considering I've had asthma for 20 years and had a baby 11 months ago I'll take it!  I average somewhere around 11-12 minute/mile, I can push myself to do a 10 minute/mile but it's a challenge and often have to walk after a few miles but I love it regardless.  It's fair to say I'm addicted to running, absolutely happily addicted.  It helps that I live in a beautiful city with a variety of places to run including a wonderful path that twists and turns along the river which is my very favorite to run.  I can literally step out of my office, do 3-4 miles along the river and be back in 40-50 minutes. I can leave our home and run through our downtown (about ~3.5 miles) and get home in the same amount of time.


My body is changing as a result of my new hobby too!  My legs a tone and my tummy is much less jiggly that last summer (thank God!).  I can feel my lungs getting stronger and see obvious growth in my endurance with each run.  Not to mention the clarity it brings me, during my runs I set my mind free to run where ever she pleases.....sometimes that is no where at all, there is a rare silence about my mind which is a breath of fresh air.  During my runs I feel much more like Jen and less like Bosslady's assistant/V's wife/Liam's mom...which is not to say that these titles aren't important but it's nice to just be Jen for a bit.

Last week I officially registered for my first [half] marathon, not cheap at $60 but well worth it to me!  I get a little sweaty and nervous when I think about doing 13.1 miles all at once but then I get crazy excited.....I'm on my way to checking it off my bucket list!

Much Love,
Jen

On My Auto Immune Disease...An Update

Yesterday I had another appointment with Dr. T.  Or so I thought... I arrived at the lab a few minutes early for my blood work, there was no order, I walked over to Dr. T's office to get one only to learn my appointment was mysteriously canceled.  I sat around while a couple woman ran around trying to figure it out, we all know by now I get anxious about my appointments...this didn't help but in similar situations I always tell myself "we are all just humans, mistakes happen, as long as it can be resolved then no harm no foul."   Orders in hand I headed to the lab to wait an hour.  Thankfully I managed to be-friend one of the receptionists, she noticed I'd been waiting forever (45 minutes) and went back to tell them I am a oncology patient and need my blood work done now so I could make my appointment.  While I do not have cancer I am seen in the oncology department so I was ok with this and it meant I got in and out.  Back over to Dr. T's waiting room I went.  While I was waiting the practice administrator came out to introduce herself to me, she was so helpful while I was battling insurance, it was so sweet that she wanted to meet me and congratulate me on winning! It was just another few minutes before I was on my way back to an exam room.  As usual I was weighed, I've managed to maintain my weight for the last 4 months, I'm currently 14lbs below my per-pregnancy weight! Thank you My Fitness Pal! (it's free, sign up, message me and we can buddy up!)

Before I knew it Dr T came in.  I'm so thankful I get to stay in his care, even though my appointment was mysteriously canceled he took his time to talk to me about different things...like the fact that about 50% of the time when ITP is discovered and there is another associated disease existing and my fears.  I was so freakishly nervous.  Since 6 months have passed Dr T. is no longer concerned about associated diseases, he thinks I just have a idiopathic chronic case of ITP that will be intermittent for the rest of my life.  This is good news, the other associated diseases are scary....so scary (message me if you have specific questions, I'd be happy to discuss those).  He even said "I don't want to cause you to worry more by telling you this"... I reassured him I prefer the education....I'll worry anyway.  He also said I really shouldn't worry about having more children, that if I do get pregnant and my ITP worsens during my pregnancy I can do the IV treatments (this is an 8 hour treatment, in the hospital! Yikes!). I would be unable to do steroids while pregnant.  I'm still petrified of having another child.  He reassured me that he doesn't think I will ever have normal platelet numbers but I don't need them to be normal to be ok (normal is over 150k), as long as I can stay around or above 80k I can live a normal life full of the activities I love.  My numbers weren't available so I headed back to work (two hours late) and he said he'd call me.

I went to a movie with my dearest friend E. at 7pm thinking I wouldn't hear from Dr T until the next day.  Nope, I missed his call twice around 8pm.  He called me again at 9pm and again took time to talk to me.  He mentioned that I was more nervous than ever before.  He again took time to talk to me about how "this is not a death sentence, it's just annoying....you are doing very well and I expect your recurrences to be spread out over years not months".  My platelet numbers have continued to lower about 20% to 90k.  He reminded me of what to watch for and reminded me I don't need an appointment to have my blood checked, to just call him and I could go over on my lunch and be checked, he would call me.  I'm just so thankful for him, he gets me....he doesn't just brush off that "I over think this whole thing" (my words).  I have another appointment in August. (Side note, I'm no longer anemic! Yay!  I still have to stay on Iron for 3 month but that is fine.)

So it is good news, I'll probably need treatment again in the fall.  It will probably be steroids...while the side effects are rough...I prefer them because the thought of the IV treatment terrifies me (did I mention they are $10k a pop?).

I know I say it all too often but I'm really going to work on looking at the big picture and stop worrying about the little stuff.  I can't plan and control everything, or really much at all.  At the end of the day I still have a pretty great life, sure a few things could be different and better but over all I'm pretty darn blessed.


Other related posts:
My Diagnosis with ITP
What is ITP?

Much Love,
Jen

More Confidence, Less Give-a-Damn

Good Morning Peeps!

This morning I was dressing for work, I threw on a plum colored/v-neck dress [that I've had forever] with long black leggings and pulled my hair back into a pony with my bangs twisted to the side.  Sounds pretty ordinary right?  But for me it's not.  During my pregnancy I lived in dresses and leggings because I was always so warm and didn't love the way maternity pants rubbed on my belly, dresses and leggings provided me the comfort every pregnant woman needs.  Pre-pregnancy I didn't think I looked "right" in most dresses or leggings let alone combining the two.

Now I'm about 7lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight, and managing to get about two workouts in a week and I feel better about my body than I have in....a very long time.  Pre-pregnancy I was a bit self-conscious about wearing certain outfits, for no good reason, even though I was a healthy weight I just didn't feel rigth in some outfits.  Now something in my mind has clicked and I just don't care as much, I have much less give-a-damn ...all that matters is that I'm comfortable and I feel cute. 

My body is much different than it used to be, the boobs will never be the same and I still have some remaining loose tummy skin.  I don't love my naked body but I'm proud of it, it brought me the most amazing little boy on the face of the earth.  Now that same body, fab and all, carries him around, plays with him, rocks him to sleep and comforts him...this body is great incredible and I will be am much kinder and accepting of her.  This is a good [emotional] place, I like it here and I like my cute outfit!

I've got a lot to be proud of and much more importantly I want to teach Liam what a confident woman is like.

Much Love,
Jen