Liam is One Year Old

One year and two days if your counting. ;) Thrusday I was in full sappiness mode!  Each time I glanced at the clock I knew exactly what was going on at that time last year, I was full of joyful tears all day!  I simply couldn't wait to scoop up my baby and kiss him!

It's hard to believe I've been Liam's mom for a year now, well really more like almost two years (personally I believe life begins at conception so I've been a mom since Oct '10). I digress, I've been a mom now for a little while, it's hard to remember life before him.  We wanted a child, we tried for a him, we prayed for the blessing of a child.  And when we did get pregnant we weren't certain my permanency would make it so I spent each day loving on this little baby inside of me just praying I would have a "outside baby".  Being a mom is a challenge, it makes you grow in new ways and if your priorities weren't in line to begin with they will be rapidly!  It wasn't a difficult change for me, I was so ready but I had a lot to learn!  Luckily Liam had never been a newborn before so he didn't know I was still figuring a few things out! ;) I've learned to love in new ways and I certainly love more than I ever thought possible, each day my love grows.  I often think I can't love him anymore then the smallest thing will happen and my love grows wider and taller and fuller, it's taught me so much about the love of our creator.

It's funny how proud of him I get over funny things like standing.  I giggle a little to myself over this pride, I find myself cheering him on, out loud, Good Job Buddy!  Yay Liam!!!!  And he loves it, he'll stand and sit a thousand times if I cheer him on, it's hobby both of us enjoy.  I recently taught him to put smaller items inside of larger ones (cups), the other night he decided to put away his bath toys, he'd pick up one and put it in the basket we store them in.  One by one he put away about half of the toys.  I was so amazed!  Here is this little person that one year ago couldn't hold up his own head and now he's putting his bath toys away! WOW! My how time flies!

I cherish these moments, I try desperately to live in them, store them up in my soul to keep forever.  Motherhood is such a incredible blessing, my soul has new purpose and more love than it can possible hold.  I love each phase but I'm so excited for the next one.  I feel so blessed!

Much Love,
-Jen

One Hundred and Eleven Days...

...since my last period. Ugh. I'm sorta mad my dr has let this cycle run this long. It's now been 1/4 of a year since I've had a period. For the most part I've handled this whole thing pretty well, but today I'm angry. I can't believe this is my journey. But maybe anger is what I need to insure I actually press my dr for some answers, for something resembling a plan. I have a bad feeling I'm going to have to find another dr. My current dr hasn't tested me for PCOS and I'm fairly certain that I do in fact have it at this point, she also wants me to put me on Provera. I have a a million thoughts running, screaming through my mind. All I want is some calm.

I know God's will is going to prevail over all of this mess....I feel like that Amy Grant song (see video I just posted) "beautiful the mess we are."

I'll update you tomorrow after my appointment.

Until Next Time,
~Much Love~

I am so damn sad today (raw)

Please excuse the following wallow in self pity.

Today is cycle day 59 with nothing, not so much as a single spot. My cycles keep getting longer and longer (cycle 1=35 days, cycle 2=42, now I'm at 59 days). I'm really scared. Really scared. I'm so afraid my worst nightmare is coming true....can I have children? Heck not even childREN (plural), I will take just one....just one pregnancy, just one child....that is all I ask. I hate not knowing.

You might think I'm a jerk, after all we've only been trying 4 months. However when I was 17 I had wacky cycles (mostly really heavy periods), my doctor at the time was a wacko herself, but she told me I may have PCOS and put me on birth control to deal with my periods. I spent the last 10 years seeking out all the info in the world to convince myself I don't have it. Flash forward 10 years to December 2009: I saw my current doctor, she said she felt I probably didn't have it since I don't exhibit any symptoms (clearly since I had been on birth control for 10 years we didn't know about my cycles). Now here I sit after nearly 2 months without so much as a spot (not to mention that my last two cycles were moderate spotting at best, yes I spoke to the dr on this she said that was fine.)

Add to that, this morning I was checking my facebook and a dear friend is pregnant with baby #2 (baby #1 was conceived on their first cycle and is only 6 months old). I am a sad, useless mess!

Add to that I have "advice" coming at me from all sides and none of it is the same. I'm trying to hard to take this whole journey one day and one step at a time but I suck at it. I don't want to wait another 30 days to see if my period shows, what if that is what happens to me for the next year? So I'll have 4 chances this year of getting pregnant?!!? I just want to bawl my eyes out.