It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Liam is One Year Old

One year and two days if your counting. ;) Thrusday I was in full sappiness mode!  Each time I glanced at the clock I knew exactly what was going on at that time last year, I was full of joyful tears all day!  I simply couldn't wait to scoop up my baby and kiss him!

It's hard to believe I've been Liam's mom for a year now, well really more like almost two years (personally I believe life begins at conception so I've been a mom since Oct '10). I digress, I've been a mom now for a little while, it's hard to remember life before him.  We wanted a child, we tried for a him, we prayed for the blessing of a child.  And when we did get pregnant we weren't certain my permanency would make it so I spent each day loving on this little baby inside of me just praying I would have a "outside baby".  Being a mom is a challenge, it makes you grow in new ways and if your priorities weren't in line to begin with they will be rapidly!  It wasn't a difficult change for me, I was so ready but I had a lot to learn!  Luckily Liam had never been a newborn before so he didn't know I was still figuring a few things out! ;) I've learned to love in new ways and I certainly love more than I ever thought possible, each day my love grows.  I often think I can't love him anymore then the smallest thing will happen and my love grows wider and taller and fuller, it's taught me so much about the love of our creator.

It's funny how proud of him I get over funny things like standing.  I giggle a little to myself over this pride, I find myself cheering him on, out loud, Good Job Buddy!  Yay Liam!!!!  And he loves it, he'll stand and sit a thousand times if I cheer him on, it's hobby both of us enjoy.  I recently taught him to put smaller items inside of larger ones (cups), the other night he decided to put away his bath toys, he'd pick up one and put it in the basket we store them in.  One by one he put away about half of the toys.  I was so amazed!  Here is this little person that one year ago couldn't hold up his own head and now he's putting his bath toys away! WOW! My how time flies!

I cherish these moments, I try desperately to live in them, store them up in my soul to keep forever.  Motherhood is such a incredible blessing, my soul has new purpose and more love than it can possible hold.  I love each phase but I'm so excited for the next one.  I feel so blessed!

Much Love,
-Jen

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

What the Crap! Nooooo!

Was the first thought that ran through my mind today when I saw a sad face as a status update from a dear friend.  I refuse to share all the details because it's not mine to share but her journey breaks my heart.  Her and her husband are on a long journey to be parents and today isn't a great day for them.

I spent the morning praying for them every chance I got, I begged God for a miracle on their behalf.  Then after seeing her sad face status update I spent the afternoon questioning God.  Wondering often out loud why their journey is this way, why any of us have to struggle to have children....then I went on to have an argument with myself about how I know that I'm not supposed to know all the ways and whys of God's will.  It was an interesting afternoon in my little pea brain.

I hate infertility, I hate that some have to struggle to have children.  I hate that anyone even has to "try" and get pregnant.  I hate the loneliness of the struggle.  I hate that it ruins friendships.  I hate that so many don't understand and don't try and relate to those of us who can't just WHAM BAMB THANK YOU MA'AM and get pregnant.  I hate that I can't do anything and don't know why this is happening to my friend.

My heart is heavy for my friend today.