Today I was just sitting at my desk, enjoying a much needed silent little break. I was think about a couple friends who are pregnant and the fact that, yes, I'm jealous. Not big angry/bitter jealous just silent, slightly sad jealous. Then another friend messaged me (I had replied to her status about how she enjoyed her birthday)...she went on to tell me that it had been six years since she enjoyed a birthday because six years two weeks before her birthday she went into premature labor and gave birth to her son at only 16 weeks gestation and he died. For the last six years she hated, dreaded and sometimes couldn't bear her birthday. Understandably so.
I was sitting in the silence of my office just reflecting on that. I obviously can't (and won't try) to explain why God allowed her to go into labor so early and why her son couldn't have lived. I'm not going to say "everything happens for a reason" because I'd punch someone straight in the face who said that to me. Instead I'm choosing to be thankful that she has two beautiful healthy daughters (19 & 8).
I remember so well when V and I were trying for a baby, month after month I hoped and prayed to be pregnant. But I also secretly prayed that I would rather never get pregnant if God planned on taking my baby from me. I feared miscarriage with every inch of my soul (as most mothers do). I am so thankful that I got to have just one pregnancy that resulted in my beautiful, healthy, funny, sweet little boy. Unfortunately I only get that one pregnancy, we won't even try (and are actively preventing) future pregnancies because it's what's safest. I have one wonderful miracle baby and I'm so thankful to have him.
Which brings me to my title. This whole thought process got me thinking, I registered for my 2nd Half Marathon this yesterday (Yikes!)....I can't have more babies BUT I can run races.....and I love running (or as real runners would call it jogging). I'm choosing to be thankful for the blessing of Liam and the blessing of a supportive husband who will go all the way to Portland to watch me run. I have so much to be thankful for....today I feel just crazy blessed. I can't give Liam more biological siblings BUT I can (and hopefully will) foster a child that needs our love desperately and though this Liam can be a big brother. I can't do a lot of things BUT I can be the best mom ever to Liam and any child(ren) that we are blessed with through fostering.
Much Love & Thanks,
Jen
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
December 13, 2012
May 23, 2012
On Reality Checks
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| from google images |
God hands me little reality checks, and I need them. Lately I've gotten a series of them, gently reminding me that things could be much worse and to be thankful for what I have. I don't know about you but I never get one little reality check at a time, it seems when it rains it pours.
Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still just observing my life and so many around me are going through something so difficult and I'm helpless. I stand there with a heavy heart, empty hands that are clinched in prayer yet I feel so helpless. Parents are struggling with their children's illnesses (cancer) while trying to manager their own (cancer). Marriages are failing apart, two of my co-workers are in the middle of nasty divorces as is a close friend. I could go on and on, my heart breaks for friends/co-workers etc.
I don't consider where I am in my life perfect but I have so much to be thankful for....and it's time to be mindfully thankful each day.
Today I am thankful for my son's health and my God's grace.
2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you."
Much Love,
Jen
December 30, 2010
Heatbreak
Today I was going to write a overly sappy post about how this year has been hard but in the end it redeemed it's self blah blah blah.
Then I learned early this morning my dear friend lost her baby. Heartbreak. It feels so unfair, I want to shout at the universe "you screwed up!". She is such a wonderful woman and although I can't say I know her husband well, if he's lucky enough to be married to her I'm sure he's amazing too. I've cried on and off most of the day. I feel so helpless, there is nothing I can do to even remotely sooth her pain, her loss, her heartbreak. I want so desperately to help her, each of my tears is another prayer to God to comfort her during this horribly sad time.
Having a child is the one thing in a woman's life that you just assume will work out naturally and be easy yet it turns out for so many it's a huge struggle. It's a wonder humanity goes on at all.
So today I'm a bit down for her. I'm considering postponing my baby-related posts for a while out of respect for the things she is going through, just a heads up.
Then I learned early this morning my dear friend lost her baby. Heartbreak. It feels so unfair, I want to shout at the universe "you screwed up!". She is such a wonderful woman and although I can't say I know her husband well, if he's lucky enough to be married to her I'm sure he's amazing too. I've cried on and off most of the day. I feel so helpless, there is nothing I can do to even remotely sooth her pain, her loss, her heartbreak. I want so desperately to help her, each of my tears is another prayer to God to comfort her during this horribly sad time.
Having a child is the one thing in a woman's life that you just assume will work out naturally and be easy yet it turns out for so many it's a huge struggle. It's a wonder humanity goes on at all.
So today I'm a bit down for her. I'm considering postponing my baby-related posts for a while out of respect for the things she is going through, just a heads up.
September 2, 2010
A year ago this weekend...
I apologize in advance if this is poorly written, it comes straight from my heart and I have choose not to edit it. Warning, this is a very sad story. love, Jen
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As I drove home tonight from yoga it occurred to me, how could I forget, it's a year ago this weekend that this whole journey V and I are on started.
One year ago this weekend I walked into the ICU with V to see his coworker who had a very serious accident at work and (long story short) I ran into a very old friend whom I'd long lost touch with. From out of no where she called out to me, I turned around (not yet knowing it was her) and saw her crying so hard. She barely whispered "Jen, it's Jamie.....she's dying, all the family are on the way, we need you."
Here's the thing, I'd long lost touch with all these people years ago, they were my childhood friends and we'd simply lost touch. Within hours Jamie's mom, aunt and sister where in from around the state and the country. Soon all of her family would assemble. I was unsure if anyone would recognize me, I'd try to meet their gaze as they walked up to me, each of them knew immediately who I was and would literally cry out "Jen" and fall into my arms. These are people who saw me through my worst times of childhood. Jamie's sister had gone into the army and served two tours in Iraq, the rest of her siblings had moved across the country, we all simply grew apart. Now, sadly, we were being slammed back together. I know with out a ounce of doubt that God himself put me in that hospital that night.
I don't actually recall how V got home that night, what he ate or did for days, from the moment I heard my friend say "we need you" I did not leave the hospital but for a moment to run home, shower and nap for a few hours during the night when we weren't allowed at Jamie's bedside.
Eventually the long weekend would end, I attempted to go to work on on what I can only assume was Tuesday. My boss, being the amazing man he was understood I needed a moment's distraction but would leave at a moments notice. And I did, after 3 or 4 days (what seemed like months) on life support, Jamie had failed the final test, she was legally, officially dead. Her soul no longer inhibited her body and they were going to take the machines off of her and allow her to go. My dear childhood friend called me pleading for me to return to the hospital (only that morning she pleaded with me to go to work it would be ok). Thank you Jesus the hospital was only minutes away.
I don't actually recall falling to the floor at work in tears (a coworker was so concerned she didn't want me to drive) or calling my mother-in-law to my side for support. I remember speeding to the hospital, parking and running as fast a my legs could carry me to the ICU where Jamie would pass.
The waiting room had been full, literally full of her friends and coworkers (Jamie was in the Army National Guard and had a VERY bright future ahead of her). It was only a matter of minutes after my return that it was official by the hospital's standards. Just when you don't think you can cry anymore it hurts like it's brand new.
I don't know how many days went by before I had to drive to my hometown (just a few hours away yet a lifetime since I have not returned there in almost a decade) for her funeral. The funeral home overflowed with people, Jamie was only 21 but it felt like the town had to shut down in order for everyone to observe her fair well. Hundreds of people gathered.
In the days, weeks and months that passed I began to asses my life more closely. V and I had wanted children but more on a "in a few years" timeline, maybe after we had a house etc. Until Jamie died. You see up until then I had only lost my grandfather, he was old and sick and it was his time, sure it hurt but not like this. No one expected Jamie to die. Suddenly my eyes were open to how brief our existence is, how little control we really have. Suddenly I wanted children now. I let my new feelings linger for a while, V and I had many talks to make sure I wasn't acting out of fear but true desire. V had always wanted children, since he's almost 10 years older than me it was always up to me and on my timeline when we had them. We agreed to wait until Christmas to start trying and we weren't going to tell anyone.
You changed my life forever Jamie, you are still so missed.
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As I drove home tonight from yoga it occurred to me, how could I forget, it's a year ago this weekend that this whole journey V and I are on started.
One year ago this weekend I walked into the ICU with V to see his coworker who had a very serious accident at work and (long story short) I ran into a very old friend whom I'd long lost touch with. From out of no where she called out to me, I turned around (not yet knowing it was her) and saw her crying so hard. She barely whispered "Jen, it's Jamie.....she's dying, all the family are on the way, we need you."
Here's the thing, I'd long lost touch with all these people years ago, they were my childhood friends and we'd simply lost touch. Within hours Jamie's mom, aunt and sister where in from around the state and the country. Soon all of her family would assemble. I was unsure if anyone would recognize me, I'd try to meet their gaze as they walked up to me, each of them knew immediately who I was and would literally cry out "Jen" and fall into my arms. These are people who saw me through my worst times of childhood. Jamie's sister had gone into the army and served two tours in Iraq, the rest of her siblings had moved across the country, we all simply grew apart. Now, sadly, we were being slammed back together. I know with out a ounce of doubt that God himself put me in that hospital that night.
I don't actually recall how V got home that night, what he ate or did for days, from the moment I heard my friend say "we need you" I did not leave the hospital but for a moment to run home, shower and nap for a few hours during the night when we weren't allowed at Jamie's bedside.
Eventually the long weekend would end, I attempted to go to work on on what I can only assume was Tuesday. My boss, being the amazing man he was understood I needed a moment's distraction but would leave at a moments notice. And I did, after 3 or 4 days (what seemed like months) on life support, Jamie had failed the final test, she was legally, officially dead. Her soul no longer inhibited her body and they were going to take the machines off of her and allow her to go. My dear childhood friend called me pleading for me to return to the hospital (only that morning she pleaded with me to go to work it would be ok). Thank you Jesus the hospital was only minutes away.
I don't actually recall falling to the floor at work in tears (a coworker was so concerned she didn't want me to drive) or calling my mother-in-law to my side for support. I remember speeding to the hospital, parking and running as fast a my legs could carry me to the ICU where Jamie would pass.
The waiting room had been full, literally full of her friends and coworkers (Jamie was in the Army National Guard and had a VERY bright future ahead of her). It was only a matter of minutes after my return that it was official by the hospital's standards. Just when you don't think you can cry anymore it hurts like it's brand new.
I don't know how many days went by before I had to drive to my hometown (just a few hours away yet a lifetime since I have not returned there in almost a decade) for her funeral. The funeral home overflowed with people, Jamie was only 21 but it felt like the town had to shut down in order for everyone to observe her fair well. Hundreds of people gathered.
In the days, weeks and months that passed I began to asses my life more closely. V and I had wanted children but more on a "in a few years" timeline, maybe after we had a house etc. Until Jamie died. You see up until then I had only lost my grandfather, he was old and sick and it was his time, sure it hurt but not like this. No one expected Jamie to die. Suddenly my eyes were open to how brief our existence is, how little control we really have. Suddenly I wanted children now. I let my new feelings linger for a while, V and I had many talks to make sure I wasn't acting out of fear but true desire. V had always wanted children, since he's almost 10 years older than me it was always up to me and on my timeline when we had them. We agreed to wait until Christmas to start trying and we weren't going to tell anyone.
You changed my life forever Jamie, you are still so missed.
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