It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Calmness and Peace {Dr. Appt}

Last week I had my first annual exam with my ob/gyn since having Liam....you remember Dr. Wonderful, yes?  Dr. Wonderful is an amazing doctor.  I know far too many women to dislike, even hate their ob/gyn and it saddens me.  The person who brings your child into this world should be wonderful to you, I wish everyone had a doctor like mine.

I sorta looked forward to my check up.  Crazy huh?  Compared to my visits with Dr. T (Hematologist extraordinaire) an annual is a walk in the park!  Plus I'm nearly 15lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight, I've managed to maintain this weight for around 6 months and I'm darn proud of myself for it.  Also I love Dr. Wonderful's staff, they are equally as wonderful!  I walked in and the receptionist immediately says to me "You cut your hair!"  I was shocked that she even remembered me let alone my hairstyle after a year.  Love.

After confirming all my info and signing in I sat with my kindle fire hoping to read a bit of my newest book (Wild by Cheryl Strayed) before being called back.  Two clearly pregnant women were called back and shortly after so was I by my favorite nurse.  Happiness.  Nurse D and I caught up while I was weighed and had my blood pressure taken, she told me to strip down to nothing but the cape she pulled out and Dr. Wonderful would be right in.  I picked up my kindle after stripping down hoping Dr. Wonderful would have to do a few ultrasounds and I'd get a few pages in.  No such luck one page in and knock-knock.

Perhaps I have a strange bond with Dr. Wonderful but I was glad to see him.  He's older than both V and I, at least old enough to be either of our parents, maybe mid-50s?  He's easy to chat with but gets right down to business.  Boob exam, ugh I hate them but they are a necessary evil.  I brought up my ITP diagnoses and Dr. Wonderful delicately said "Hmm do you have future pregnancies planned?" I twisted my mouth a little and said "no..."  He seemed ok with that answer.  I couldn't help myself "I can't help but notice you didn't argue with me on no more babies, it's for the best isn't it?"  Dr. Wonderful "Well.  It's a bigger decision for you to possibly expand your family.  But it's a tough decision to be taken from you.  You could have more children, we could treat you and manage your ITP but it means more steroids.  I have some articles for you, I'd like you to be educated before you make a final decision.  I like that you are on Mirena, it's a good birth control for you as it prevents periods since you risk heavy bleeding."  The rest of our conversation was about my half marathon and how proud of my Dr. Wonderful is.  He kept saying "You look great!  Your working out, your organized, you're WEIRD!"  I just laughed.

After my exam I dressed and met Dr. Wonderful to get the article he mention and a rx for an inhailer for my asthma.  He again congratulated me on doing so well, told me I looked great and said "Well, see ya next year!"

After I left I could have returned to work for an hour but decided to take that time for myself, well kinda, I wanted to get some stuff cut up for dinner and change into comfy non-work clothes.  I wondered around my silent home picking up things and thinking about my appointment.  I had this wonderful sense of calm and peace.  I was thinking to myself while cutting up ingredients for dinner "If I could have one thing, anything, what would it be?  More time.  More time with Liam and V, with my friends and loved ones.  If I do get pregnant and my ITP goes haywire I truly could die and I would not get more time with anyone.  I would make a choice that would screw up the one thing I want most; more time with those I am already blessed to have.  Yeah, no more babies is the right choice for us.  Hopefully one day it won't sting as much but it's the right thing."  There were no tears which is rare.  In my hearts of hearts I want another child...a sibling for Liam, but more important than that is cherishing what I already have.  I put all the prepped ingredients in a bowl and headed off to pick up my sweet Liam.  I hugged him extra close and thanked God for him with tears in my eyes.  I am beyond blessed just to have him and get to be here to be his mom.

In about a week I have my next appointment with Dr. T (Hematologist extraordinaire), I'm anticipating treatment since I believe my platelet numbers have held the same pattern they have since being diagnosed last September.  Right now I feel good about it, I feel like I know what to expect and I have a lot of pride about accomplishing my first half marathon. 

Much Love,
-Jen

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

This is going to be random, try to keep up!

I've had ~7 running posts on my mind for days and let's face it I just don't have that kind of time so this is going to be one rather random post. 

In no particular order:

1. The Gym.  Yes I am back, yes I went before I was "cleared" and I loved it!  The gym is my place and I missed it.  I figure I haven't really worked out in about 5 months, that is a long time for me.  I went back last week and only did about a half hour of light cardio and it was glorious.  I dropped Liam off with Grandma and scurried off.  I so enjoyed the time and have no guilt about it at all.  It was actually really neat, as I finished my work out I noticed two little boys (about 6 years old) outside playing, it occurred to me that one day that would be Liam rough-housing with his friends and my heart filled with joy.  Going to the gym really cleared my head and helped me feel better about the "body image issues" I was dealing with too!  *Today I had my six week appt and I am cleared to workout, commence fitness classes!*

2. Our Grand Adventure.  It was grand!  Liam did amazing in the car and only fussed the last few minutes when we got stuck in road construction.  Once at the cabin it was so restful, V did all the cooking and I even found some time to just lay in the sun and read my mommy magazines.  V enjoyed some fishing and we had the yummiest fish dinner!  I was sad to leave, especially since Liam slept so well (four hours at a time!).  I'm hoping we can return one more time before summer rides off into the sunset and winter pounces on us again.



For your enjoyment a pic of Liam chatting with me today!



3. Liam is 6 Weeks Old!  Can you believe it?  I can't.  He's started making little noises and smiling in response to V and I.  This morning I was super bummed because I have to return to work next week and Liam just smiled at me a ton and "talked" with me, brightened up my whole day!  He's such a good baby, he still only sleeps about 3 hours at a time but I'm still getting 6-9 hours total a night which I understand is more than most moms at this point so I'll take it.  According to my books soon he'll be able to roll over (one way) and grasp things, crazy!

4. I had my 6 Week check up.  It felt incredibly odd to go to the Dr this afternoon.  You spend almost a year going ALL.THE.TIME then suddenly it's like "see ya in 2012."  Strange.  I've lost ~30 lbs so far and my Dr was happy with that, ~9 remain to be lost, all in my tummy.  We discussed birth control, [never thought I'd say that after how hard it was to GET pregnant].  In the end V and I decided Liam is a miracle baby that technically was naturally conceived and we didn't want two miracle babies in one year so IUD it is for us...er me.  It was really nice to see my Dr and nurse, I really like them (as you know if you have read my blog for any amount of time).  Is it odd that I'm going to kinda miss seeing them?  Side note, Auntie (aka Bestie) came with me to watch Liam since I assumed it would be a longer appt.  After I was done I found them walking the halls and she gushed about how she just chatted with him and he passed out in her arms....it really melted my heart!  I may not have any family by blood but the true family I have are amazing and I could not be more thankful for them! <3

5.  Having More Children....Maybe.  So I've danced around posting about this but it's a thought I need to get out of my head.  V and I aren't sure if we'll have more children, or try to have more I guess is a more appropriate way to say that.  Heaven only knows if we can have more.  Facts are V is "older" and we want to provide the best possible future for Liam, including being able to help him with college.  While I would ideally like him to have a sibling it just might not been in the cards for us.  Then again it's too early to do anything permanent to our fertility (V will get snipped should our decision become long term)....so hence the IUD.  Oh and by-the-by I hate that people have been asking us for at least a month if we are having more children!  It took us two years to make this one, can't we enjoy him for a while?!!?  Really!

6. Breastfeeding.  Yep I'm still trying, I think Liam is in a growth spurt but so far I've been able to keep up.  I still have random pains in my boobs but I think it's normal.  They don't hurt enough to ask the lactation consultant (yet) so I'm clearly not too worried about it.  Next week I start back to work where I'll pump.  And as long as I don't dry up because I'm not feeding him directly I'll probably keep doing it.  We are still supplementing with formula as needed but thankfully he's had no trouble going from boobies to bottle and back.

7.  Work.  Oy Vey.  My boss is kinda a nut case (a post for another day).  I have to go back next week and I'm just not ready but I have to so I will.  Luckily we have someone to watch Liam in her home that we trust.  He'll be loved and cared for and get so much one-on-one attention that it's pretty much the next best thing.  Thankfully my boss and I found some common ground and I can take some Mondays off to spend with him, that should make it easier on both of us.

Wow, I only guessed it was seven topics but it really was!  Feels good to get all those thoughts out!  If you are still reading you deserve a cookie, go get one!

Until next time,

Disbelief

So last week at my dr appt Dr. Wonderful mentioned that he thinks little guy isn't exactly so little.  He did some pushing around and said he thinks little guy is already 7-7.5lbs.  Not huge but then Dr. Wonderful did some pushing around on my...ah....naughty bits (for lack of a better word) and also mentioned that he doesn't think I have a very big pelvis.  Ut oh.  Because I'm not progressing yet he's not ready to talk induction and said "everyone gets a shot at labor." which freaked me the he!! out!  This pregnancy sure has been a ride and I had sincerely hoped at least this part would be, dare I say, somewhat easy or "normal".  No one wants a c-section, well maybe some women do but I'm not among them.  I spent that evening with V doing most things we could think of to get little guy to make some down-ward progress including talking to him about it.  The next morning I was so mad at myself for that.  After all the early scares we had about losing little guy (before we knew he was indeed a guy) now I'm trying to get him to come before he's ready?! WTF self, wtf!?  Needless to say today I've changed my attitude.  I'm in disbelief we've even made it this far, that in no more than no two weeks, by whatever means necessary, I'll have a healthy baby boy in my arms.  I really need to be way more thankful that my body has done such a great job of keeping him in there and baking him.  So what if he's a bit bigger!  I'll figure out how to heal and deal with a c-section, it doesn't make me less of a woman or mother! 

Sorry that was a bit rambly, nothing unusual for me, just needed to get that out. Happy Saturday Peeps!

What might have been

As I was getting ready this morning I thought back to the time before my initial appointment with my Dr (Dr. Wonderful) in October of 2010.  The appointment I had to wait 6 weeks for, the same one that was scheduled as my preliminary infertility testing appointment.  And it got me thinking about what might have been.

What if I hadn't had to wait those 6 weeks... I can only make assumptions based on my limited knowledge of what one could expect.  I won't go too far into the detail of what I think may have happened but I believe my life would be so different.  What I believe would have happened would have been a series of tests and certainly medication to start my period hence I wouldn't have ovulated the egg I did that is now my son.  I can't even fathom thoughts beyond that.  God knew I needed those six weeks, he had a plan for me, for that egg, for my son.  I can't even wrap my head around what might have been.

Then my mind wonders to the actual day (October 5, 2010) of that first appointment, the appointment scheduled to begin my infertility testing, the same one that I showed up having just got a positive pregnancy test.  V couldn't make it, although I no longer recall why, so my bestie came.  I had an ultrasound because it had been four months since my last period no one among us had any idea how far along I was.  The Dr turned on the ultrasound and couldn't fine the baby (not uncommon when you are very early) but did find what he described as a "mass of fluid the size of a large orange near my right ovary".  He thought that my pregnancy was likely ectopic and potentially life threatening.  Everything happened so fast that I was alone (aside from said Dr and a nurse) when he did my ultrasound and told me about the fears he had for me, he gave me specific instructions and restrictions for the next few days and sent me for labs that day and for two days later (to test my beta growth).  I recall vividly going out to my bestie in the waiting room and waiting to get into the hall before telling her what I had just learned, I remember leaning on the wall wanting so badly to just fall and weep in fear but holding it together somehow.  She went with me to have my betas done that day and two days later.  I would have two more ultrasounds in the next few weeks, all of the ultrasounds and blood tests ultimately came back fine and the mystery fluid disappeared.  I'm so thankful that my Dr took slow and cautious steps during those first weeks, he could have jumped the gun and done surgery immediately (this happened to a friend of mine, she later learned her Dr had acted hastily and her pregnancy was not ectopic, she later miscarried that baby). 

All these things wondered through my mind today as I walked that same hall, passed the same spot where I wanted to breakdown, I sat in the same chair as that first appointment (not on purpose actually).  I had my routine appointment and all I could think the whole time was "wow, 27 weeks, I can not believe I'm here!".  After today's appointment, which went very well, I went over to the same lab to have my Gestational Diabetes test done. Again my bestie was by my side, but this time she was just there to keep me company, there was no fear, no reason to worry she just wanted to support me like she has since the beginning of this journey.

There is little reason to ever think about what might have been in my opinion but your mind does wonder there.  In a way it was like God was reminding me to be thankful for the broken road I had to walk to get where I am today.  I'm about to be a mom, I'm about to have a son and while my struggles weren't nearly what they might have been I'm thankful for them because they were just a step on my journey, a journey that has brought those close to me closer.

A little good news!

I went and had my blood taken again with my bestie by my side.  Again Dr Wonderful (his new nickname) called and reported my beta numbers this evening....it doubled!  That is exactly what we were hoping for!  We aren't out of the woods yet, there is still a chance the baby is growing in my tube and we still don't know how far we are (all we know is I am super early) BUT I am still pregnant and that is huge for me! 
So I have to call in the morning and schedule my second ultrasound, this appt V will be attending!  Keep praying peeps!

Update about Dr Appt

Sorry I haven't written, V and I have had a lot to think about.  I'll try and keep this brief. So my appt was yesterday, per V's request I tested in the am and got a"PREGNANT", we were both shocked and so happy! I decided to go to the appt anyway since I had no idea how far I could be (it had been over 3 months since I had a period and was not charting). My Dr and the nurse were was super nice and excited and gave me another test to confirm, it was positive so he fired up the u/s and warned me we might not be able to see anything. I stared and stared at the screen in wonder.  He never did find the baby but found a lot of fluid, the size of a orange near my right ovary. Thank God my bestie came with me.  Basically he's worried it's ectopic. I had my beta done right away (it was 323 which the dr said was normal for being super early) and will have more blood work and probably a u/s tomorrow. Dr said to try and be hopeful, that this is a good sign because after all we did get pregnant but V and I are scared. I was told me to stay in town, no exercise etc and be prepared to head to ER at a moments notice.


If you have any spare prayers I'd greatly appreciate them. I'll try and keep you updated.