I won't make it until December [breastfeeding]

Breast feeding's death is about to be rapid....as in it's in progress, it's been given a very abrupt termination date...  My emotions change depend on the hour and vary widely as does the pain associated with "drying up".

It's a long drawn out story I don't want to relive but pumping at work has grown increasingly horrible and drama filled, I'm certain some of it is illegal but I'm so over it and so over the negative feelings I keep having about my body that I made the leap yesterday and decided I'm done.  Today I went 10 hours without pumping or feeding Liam (he gets frozen stash while at Nanna's).  By the time we got home about 7:45pm tonight he was hungry so I relieved my pain and fed him off the bigger boob.  Tonight I'm aiming to only feed him once tonight, I might pump before work tomorrow then I'll try and make it through the work day without pumping.  Ideally I'll cut down to maybe one feeding and one pump session a day and by then I'm assuming my body will just give up on me.

Part of me is sad, I actually feel like breastfeeding is being taken from me.  I think...no I know it's wrong that someone else pushed me over the edge and that I'm quitting because of that but I can't imagine continuing to pump under the circumstance I am at work.  Don't get me wrong, there is a side of me that is happy too.  I want my body back, I am praying with every inch of my soul that my right breast reduces in size to something relatively close to the other, I can't wait to run and workout without pain but I will miss that special time with Liam, feeding him the way only I can.  But it is what it is and it is at the end.

I promise to keep you updated on the process of drying up and what not....

Week in Review: 1st Week Back at Work

Well I made it through my first week back at work.  In truth it wasn't nearly as bad ad I thought it would be.  I'm certain it was more difficult for me than Liam.  Part of me has enjoyed getting up, dressed and out of the house each day and the adult conversation is nice.  I miss Liam everyday but I get texts from A (who watches him for us) and my boss has let me leave early a few times.  The routine is really nice, Liam has settled right into it and we were able to make it to church this weekend without any extra effort.  And let's face it the extra money coming it helps, our savings took a hit while I was on maternity leave and only collecting 60% of my wages. 

So to review:

Monday: Last day of maternity leave, spent most of the day snuggling and crying.
Tuesday: First day back in the office, cried 3 times & pumped 4 times.  Made weeks worth of main dishes that night, didn't cook the rest of the week!
Wednesday: Second day back in the office, got a good size raise!  Only teared up once, pumped 3 times
Thursday: Third day back in the office, feeling good about routine before work and at work (pumped 3 times).  Now I have a stash of breast milk!
Friday:  Fourth day back in office, G'ma and G'pa took Liam for the whole day; V and I ventured out to dinner and a movie.  Missed my little man like crazy, cried going to pick him up (perhaps the next date will be just dinner). Only pumped four times that day, by the time we picked up Liam my boobies were going to explode!

Saturday:  Liam woke up at 7am ready to be changed, eat and play!  We enjoyed some time on his play mat batting at toys, smiling and giggling.  He fell back asleep about 9am, V was still sleeping so I put Liam in his bassent in our room (and told V) and ventured off to the gym for a glorious 30 minute workout (only 30 minutes because Momma is out-of-shape!).  Liam and I had lunch with a friend at 1pm and spent the rest of the day with V.

Sunday: Liam was up at 7am again ready for the day so V and I got up and took turns playing with and getting him ready and getting ready ourselves, we were out the door for church on time!  After church we went home and enjoyed the rest of the day finishing up house chores, napping and playing together.   What a perfect weekend!

The fear monster makes an apperiance at my work...

Apparently I’m more scared than I was willing to admit.


Yesterday one of my co-workers announced she is 10 weeks pregnant! How exciting, I am so happy for her and her family and at the idea of being on this journey with her! Our boss was so excited she cried a little, it was super sweet. However today is a new day and my boss felt obligated to tell her boss….about both of our pregnancies. First I am still super early; I don’t even have a real due date yet. I really didn’t want to tell anyone at work for several weeks, at least until after we told the rest of Vic’s family. I went in and spoke privately with my boss, I was passively trying to get her to not send the email, of course I would never ask her out right to do this, I understand her obligation but my fear was creeping up. I still haven’t had the “normal” ultrasound most women have at their first appointment, I still don’t really know when I am “due” and….I’m terrified to get bad news on Monday. As I spoke these things out loud to her I started to cry a little. I had not even told V how scared I can get. I wanted to walk about in my bliss of ignorance and just be oblivious and happy but truth be told I get scared at times, really scared. Even with all my “morning sickness” I’m so scared our baby isn’t growing. I know it’s fairly irrational but I can’t help it. And to that I’ve been at my job days less than three months and I’m roughly two months pregnant. They don’t know this baby was tried for and a true miracle so I’m sure I look a bit unprofessional, I fess up to that. I won’t qualify for any short term disability or maternity leave because my company has a policy that you must be employed a minimum of one year before using short term disability or maternity leave. By my best guess I’ll have this baby around my 11th month of employment. The best I can do is try to stay employed and store up all my paid time off between now and then. The worst part is during my first 6 months of employment here and my probationary period I am considered “employment at will status” which means my employer has the legal right to let me go at any time without reason with no legal repercussions. I’ve been reassured that my boss’ boss is a true family man and will be happy for me but the fear doesn’t subside, my boss asked him to keep this information confidential but will he? Will he really be happy for me and allow me to keep my employment here? Is my baby growing just fine?

I feel like there are so many unanswered questions and I’m so nervous. I’m doing my best to remain calm, I know this is all in God’s hands; he blessed us with this baby and will take care of us. Only four days until my ultrasound, I just pray I get good news that our baby is growing just fine. Thanks for letting me vent.

Some Random Thoughts

Hi Blog Peeps,
So this Blog Challenge has had me distracted (mission accomplished!) so I thought I'd share some random thoughts I've had recently with you.

• My dr appt is Tuesday, not next Tuesday, or two weeks from Tuesday, but this TUESDAY!  I can hardly believe we are finally taking a real step towards getting pregnant/having a baby!
• I haven't taken my temp or charted anything in a FULL month, it's been pretty nice but let's face it I'll probably start again once the baby train is in full gear, which starts on Tuesday!
• I've already told you about how V has picked our a baby girl name, I was reviewing some of the boy names he likes and several of them had meanings related to Blessing/Blessed/To Bless (like my dream a few months ago).  Lord I pray this is some kind of sign!
• I think I need to stop watching shows like "Teen Mom" and "I'm Pregnant And..." just for a little while, to focus on the here and now.
• My boss has been so great to me, it's like everyday my decision to leave my old job is reinforced more and more.
• I'm really considering doing lowlights in stead of highlights (I told you these were random thoughts).
• and cutting bangs again!
• I love my yoga class more than I can explain, it's just a little time for me.
• between that and leaving my job I have almost no stress left, thank you Lord!
• HOLY CRAP it's OCTOBER!!!!!!

I have no words to discribe this joy...

...but I'll try anyway. Today was a good, nay, great day! For no extraordinary reason I am so happy, so very happy, overcome with joy and happiness! My new job is great, my new co-workers are amazing and most of all I have so much less stress I can physically feel the weight off my shoulders, heart and whole body! Yes, this is the moment when I acknowledge that every single penny of my pay cut was absolutely worth it. I am so happy, this was clearly the right choice!

I feel like I've walked around with that goofy smile you have when you've first fallen in love, like you are smitten for the first time! But it's like all aspects are so great, I'm smitten with my own life. Yeah V. and I fight, I'm actually annoyed he's watching tv too loud right now (we are in the same room and I can hear it over my earphones) but I feel so overcome with so much joy that I don't actually care.
This repreve in my soul is amazing and a welcome blessing, especially since I learned yet another friend is pregant, a friend with a >9mo old whose husband works a single dead-end job that can't support them as is, the same friend who despite not wanting anymore children didn't go back on birth control because her controlling husband said "no". Sigh, it's not fair but it is what it is and it will not steal my joy. I will praise and worship and be glad no matter where I am, on the mountain or in the valley of my own emotions. Thanks Lord for this day and all of it's blessings.

<3

Leaving on My Terms

Today was the last day of my former job! I've day dreamed, wished, hoped, sometimes feared this day for a long time, and today it really occurred and now it's hard to believe it happened! It was hard not to burn bridges, more than once I wanted to just flip someone the bird and go out in a blur of angry obscenities, there has been a lot of prayer over the last few days. By the grace of God I managed to not flip anyone anything nor curse anyone out (yay!) mostly because I stayed really, really busy! I worked up until the last moment, a co-worker called wanting to have lunch together. I showed up and was surprised with a card signed by everyone, a gift, flowers and lunch with three of my favorite people! Lunch was so fun, we all vowed to stay in touch (and take yoga together!) in the end I filed my last paperwork with HR, handed in my keys and company phone and walked out very teary eyed. I'm sad to go but happy to move on, it's really been a hard couple of years but I choose not to regret it because I have made so many wonderful friendships and learned so much! Funny how blessings come in all sizes, shapes and forms!

I QUIT!

I just quit my job, it is hard to believe it even happened. I sat in front of my boss, a man I deeply respect and consider a friend, all teary-eyed, I didn't know how to start or what to say. I had pre-written my resignation letter, it was a formality I knew I would have to do. I took a deep breath and said "I'm holding my letter of resignation." and cried, not the most professonal thing I've ever done but it is what it is, my emotions where real and raw and I cried. I was so unsure how he would react, he half smilled and said, "I understand." Continuing to let tears run down my face I said "I just can't do this anymore, I can't come here everyday wondering if any of us have a job or who will yell at me for doing my job. I can't handle the stress of a sinking ship. I know I can't grow here. I am so sorry. I love working for you, I am not quitting because of your leadership but I just can't do this anymore. I can't work here trying to get pregnant, nor can I imagine handling this stress if I were pregnant. I just can't do it anymore. He reponded again "I understand, please tell me you have something lined up?" me "Yes I do, it's a little pay cut but more chance for further growth." And he smiled proudly, "I won't ask you to stay, I won't offer you anything to stay, I can't do that to you, I am happy for you." *whew*

Like I've said before I'm sad to no longer work for my boss but this really is for the best, I feel like 1000 lbs have been lifted off me. This is a step in the right direction. I will not burn any bridges although part of me would have loved to show up in this first thing this morning:

Leap of Faith and Praying

Well....I have decided to take a leap of faith, I am accepting the other job with lower pay and less stress. I ran the numbers again last week and the new job will have much better and much more affordable health benefits not to mention less stress (this after being screamed at by a coworker last week over nothing) so V and I talked and prayed and decided my emotional well being was worth the small temporary (hopefully) pay cut! *gulp*

And in other news, I think I may have ovulated this month. I won't be testing until I am certain I am late (however I decide to determine that) and so far I am planning to share with you exactly what I know when I know it. I'll keep you posted peeps. In the mean time could you pray for V and I, this is quiet the growing time for us, I've only had this one job throughout our entire marriage and we are so hoping that this is the cycle we get pregnant. And in God's hand, will and timing. Thank you in advance.

Choices, Choices

Life is all about choices. Good choices and bad choices all have consequences, intended or not. Every single day you wake up with a million choices to make and equally as many consequences to handle. Will you make a healthy choice, a good choice, a bad choice, a unfair choice and what will the consequences be? Choices you think are good can turn out to have bad consequences and vice versa. And really you never know the outcome of what you choose to do, sometimes the consequences are not easily seen and may not be revealed for years to come.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, as you can tell since I’m writing about it here and all. I have no many choices to make right now. In many ways I feel so young, the world at my finger tips and while I feel obligated to certain choices, there really is nothing forcing me to make a certain choice. I will always take into account my morals and my husband’s point of view, as I would expect him to do for me. Some choices can/will affect the direction of the next several years. Kinda scary huh? Kinda daunting, isn’t it? I believe that God has it all under control but I also believe we have free will to make a million and one choices in life and we have the ability to royally screw things up. Overwhelming isn’t it?

I have to get out of my job, while it pays well it’s killing me slowly, emotionally….everyday. Even on my best day I struggle to maintain. Every single week I am completely burnt out by Thursday and Friday is a total struggle. I get angry and frustrated beyond belief and I cry, none of these things are professional but I do not work for a company with a good moral compass nor do they treat their employees as human beings so it’s easy for my emotions to get out of control for I too am only human. I know I can’t move up here, nor do I want to. What a horrible time to need out of my job! I’m considering applying at a Big Name Company call center in my town, I’ve heard it too can be miserable BUT I think I can handle it for a while until I can move up and I know I could move up if I can just tough it out. The problem is I would have to work a rotating schedule and I’ve been spoiled for my entire marriage V and I have had identical work schedules. I have a job in the works but they have been all over the radar and it makes me increasingly nervous and it’s a big pay cut (~12% annually), at the same time the benefits are a little cheaper and appear to be better, BUT they are being bought out, heaven knows how that will affect me, will I be unemployed in a few months? What will happen to our baby-making-journey?

I feel sick to my stomach. I know I am not in control but I would really like to know what the answer is or even just a little guidance. I know what you might be thinking, ask V. And while, yes we have talked about it, for the most part V is very easy going and will often say “you are over analyzing this, I don’t know what to say, I support you whatever you choose.” Not the most helpful responses, though they are appreciated. And praying, oh boy am I praying to the point I wonder if the good Lord dreads my voice (I know that isn’t true but you can’t help but wonder).

For the most part I’m a fairly calm person, though I do over analyze things I pride myself on able to remain calm…but right now I’m burnt out, emotionally wounded (by a co-worker, again) and pretty much smack dab in the middle of a 12 hour shift (not normal, I usally work 8-5 but I was volunteered to work an extra 4 to 5 hours, thanks guys not that I pay to take a yoga class on Thursday nights or anything.)

Sorry I guess I just needed to vent.

How do you measure success?

Is it in your professional or personal life, or a hybrid of both, or somewhere else? Is it something you have already achieved and are satisfied, or something you chase after? Do you think it will just land in your lap one day? My bestie and I were chatting the other day about this topic and our conversation got me thinking, what is success? It’s different for all of us because we are all so different.

I feel rather unsuccessful, but that is because I view success almost exclusively in a professional manner. I put myself through college for marketing, never intending to stay in this college town, I even told V that when we started dating…the day we started dating. But then we got engaged (about 3 years later) and his family had become so important to me, I started thinking about when we would have children, I would want them raised close to V’s family. So we stayed, I considered it my sacrifice. V never asked me to, and to this day tells me if I want to leave we can, but I can't. I love his family and want to be close to them, and I’ve fallen more in love with this college town. We have a love-hate relationship for sure. It’s hard to make a life here, anyone will tell you that, LOTS of college kids fall in love with this place and don’t leave thus the going wage is well below the cost of living. It’s difficult to own a home here because the average income is $30k/yr and the average cost of a home is ~ $2o0k (well that is more like starting price on a 900 square foot bare essentials home). It feels like no one really respects college educations here, especially in marketing, they expect you to sell things….no I want to work on your brand and your imagine in the community and that will make your product sell! For a good sized town (when I referenced wikipedia in 2006 we were about 65k people so I'd bet we are more like 75-80k now) we still act like we are more like 2k peeps, people here think word-of-mouth is ALL you need in terms of “marketing”. Sigh. It’s so frustrating, I love marketing. I would LOVE to work in Public Relations but that doesn’t really exist here. Sorry, now I'm just whining.

Don’t miss-read me here, I am happy in my marriage, clearly V and I have a great time together enjoying life here. But I feel compelled to be the bread winner, to provide for my family, and I don’t feel like I can here. I am I’m working as an *gulp, I hate admitting this out loud* Administrative Assistant. Please do not take offense if this is your work position, I am merely saying I put myself through college for 5 long, expensive and stressful years and I truly believed I would have a marketing career. I want so much to own a home.

My bestie was surprised when I told her I feel unsuccessful here, she said “you have a job” which yes I do but I am well over qualified for it, I SHOULD have a job. I know the market is horrible but it’s nothing new to this town, it’s usually horrible, there are always too many over qualified candidates for any given job. I guess I’m struggling to accept that this is success, having a job with benefits (thank the lord for that). I guess for so long I pictured my life differently. I don’t know how or if I can achieve what I had wanted here.

So I guess I am looking for inspiration, where do you see success in your life?

Friday Ramblings

Good Morning!

I'm so excited it's Friday, and I can bet you V is as well....because Flo has left the building! Yippee! I am SO excited for this cycle, my hope it higher than ever! My hope over-flowith (is that a word?)

In addition it's one of my favorites times of the year, celebrating Independence Day!! July 4th has always been a big deal, the town where I grew up in always made a BIG deal of it. While the city V and I live in now doesn't to it up quite the same it's still a wonderful time. What a cool thing to celebrate, think how different our lives could be with out that fateful day in 1776, seriously ponder it for a moment, I'll wait. Had we never fought for and won our freedom from Great Britain ::shivers:: Anyway, there is so much going on, so many different BBQ's planned and other gatherings....I'm not certain which V and I will attend, is that horrible? I think we are those people who don't RSVP and then show up, whoops! For what it's worth I'm a huge planner and typically would be all over an RSVP and plans but I feel for this weekend I feel the need to be more....free of the restrictions of concrete plans.

On Saturday V wants to go sapphire mining, he really loves it, he's a rock hound (if you want to know what that means click here: Rock Hound Info )I will admit sapphire mining has grown on me, although it can be pricey and if you aren't careful you will end up sun burned (or if you are light skinned as I am you end up THIS color, no matter how hard you try). V wants to have a piece of jewelry made for me with some of the larger stones we've found, maybe someday. If we go I promise to take pics for you. He's taken me on some fun little adventures as I learn more about his rock hounding, some are more fun than others but I figure if it's interesting enough that he loves it I can find some interest in it as well, as his spouse I think that is one of my responsibilities.

One last ramble before I bid you fair well for the weekend. That interview I had this week went really well, in fact I was offered the job essentially on the spot....however it's a decent pay cut. While I am not the breadwinner in our home my income is important and we are having a difficult time accepting a cut of over 10%. I'm waiting to see what our health benifits would be with the job change (and if we'd have to put trying for a baby on hold until benifits kick in, very stressful!) If you pray and wouldn't mind could you think of us? I would love to have a less stressful job that is more stable with opportunity for growth, I just feel so conflicted if I should jump at this offer or wait it out. Thank you in advance. While we are on the topic if you EVER need prayers please feel free to reach out to me, I'd love to pray for you!

Have a safe and Happy Independence Day/Weekend Celebration!!!

An Unhealthy Relationship...a vent about my job

Yep, I have decided I'm in an unhealthy relationship....with my job. It's like this boy I dated in high school, I knew we weren't meant to be and really not that great together but it was long term and comfortable. It was easy so I stayed and stayed, I put up with the crap until one day it ended. It's the same with my current job. I've been here over 2 years, I know my job very well and do it very well, I should I'm well over qualified. The day I was hired I was told I'd easily be able to move up into Marketing (where I have a degree) in less than a year, but before that year was over the entire Marketing Department was cut to 10% of it's former size and relocated across the country. My current role is not a challenge, I need almost no supervision, I can alter my hours a little here and there. My direct boss is an amazing man without whom I would have run away screaming a long time ago....But I'm wasting my education here. I'm in a dead end job at a company I don't think will be around in another 2 years. Yes, I'm gainfully employed, and I am so thankful to have made it out of the recession with my job intact but everyday here is exhausting mentally. To come here and deal with incompetent and lazy co-workers has worn on me excessively so. Don't get me wrong, clearly I have my lazy moments, I'll admit to them BUT I don't have a quota either.

I guess it's ultimately so hard because I've always had horrible bosses, for the first time I have a really great one and I'm afraid to loose that. Why am I bitching? I guess I'm just trying to pump myself up for the interview I have this afternoon. As much as I hate my job, it is comfortable and my boss is amazing. It will kill a little piece of me to have to leave him, but I know I must do what I must do. This is what is best for me and my family long term and I know bossman will understand. Even though I know I need to take this step I feel a bit lost.

Goodbye Provera Pills

*please note provera looks nothing like this image*

I am so excited! Tonight will be my last provera pill! Ten days went by so quickly! It's been a pretty good ten days! I got to see and old friend and her baby girl and have a little home decor party the other night. I was so excited that baby girl liked me, I know that sounds odd but my friend and her hubby live 8 hrs away and I've never met baby girl before, she's already 8 months old! A good time was had by all, my home decor party was tiny but I so enjoyed the company of the people who did come. And really what else matters?

And on top of that I applied for another job yesterday and got a call just a few hours later! I have an interview on Monday! I'm excited and scared but feel confident, it's it's supposed to be the Lord will guide my path and if not he will lead me away from that.

Last but not least, it's Friday!! I am so tired today it's crazy! I can't wait to go home, slip on some comfy clothes and watch movies with my Love! I so enjoy married life!

Interview Today!

Wish me luck!

Shortly I'll be off to my first interview in over 2 years! My current job is...well just that a job, and this company has changed so much in the last year to year and half it greatly saddens me! When I started here I was so excited to be on the ground level, I really thought I was in for something amazing and would grow my career here. Little did I know this company doesn't do that, people don't move up here, they hire well experienced people and leave them in that position until they leave (which has happened too much in the last 2 years for me). Not only that but they don't hire/promote internally at all, jobs are not listed internally. Odd. The only shining light and the reason I'm still here is my direct boss. He is such a nice man, I feel badly for all the things he's dealt with here. I wish he'd move on, I'm not sure why he hasn't and I feel bad for leaving him (because he's rather fatherly to me) but it's come down to what is best for me. I do the work of three people and oh yeah they don't give raises here either, the best of employees have gotten .01% raises in the last 5 years. I've gotten the #1 review for our state (about 50-75 people) for the last two years and got under the one percent both times.

So I'm off to an interview for a company I believe I can move up in. The position is entry level and not exciting but should be less stress with the same hours. The only thing I don't know much about is the pay but I am certain they wouldn't interview me, knowing what I already make and that I'm currently employed, if they weren't willing to pay at least match that. Here's hoping! (I also hope the benifits are better since it's a larger company *fingers crosses*)

Like all other things in my life it's up to God and if it's his will it will work out. Wish me luck, and if you have spare prayers laying around I'd appreciate them!

Until Next time-

~Much Love~