Two Years

Last year on this day I was in full sap mode, I wrote this post about how I could recall what was happening at each hour {on the day Liam was born}.

This year I'm overjoyed but not as sappy. Honestly things have been so crazy I haven't had time to be sappy. Liam got super sick Tuesday night, like vomiting and stuff, it was scary. He was fine by morning but I took Weds off work to hang out with him. We cuddled all day, guess I'll find out if it was viral. I had planned to take today off and spend it with Liam, take him swimming and the whole nine yards but I just don't have enough paid time off stored up.

Last night after we put Liam down for the night I ran out and got a big bunch of balloons including Liam's current favorite Thomas the Train. I also picked up muffins and cupcakes for the morning (well cupcakes are for dinner). I had already purchased this adorable little Thomas the Train flashlight thing, I knew he'd be over the moon for it! I got home late but my excitement for Liam kept me going, I knew he wouldn't totally get it but I also knew he'd be super excited.

Unfortunately Liam coughed all night, his poor nose is just running like mad. I got up at least a half dozen times to sooth him back to sleep (back rubbing, bink, cover with blanket etc). By the time morning rolled around I could barely pull my butt out of bed, I told V not to wake Liam until I was out of the shower. I showered and dressed at light-speed then V and I went in and woke Liam with the "happy birthday" song. Liam proceeded to kick his feet in protest. He did not want to get up, poor little dude! We managed to get him up, changed his diaper and went into the livingroom where he promptly noticed the huge bundle of balloons and got super excited! Success! He ate his chocolate chip muffin while enjoying some Chica Show on Spout while I ran around like a crazy person trying to get ready, wet hair it is.

Thankfully it's a Grandma's day so I dropped him off there and Grandpa had taken the day off so Liam was ubber happy! I've been at work since and still feel like I'm running around like a crazy person, so many things to get done!

This past year has been amazing, it's so incredible to see the changes in Liam. He's truly a little boy and not a baby anymore, although he'll always be my baby! He's the happiest person I know. He's sweet and kind but stubborn as his Momma too! It's difficult to put into words how much I love this little boy but I guess that is part of being a mom, it's something you can't explain and don't fully understand until you are here.

I've loved every moment, even the really frustrating ones, of being Liam's mom. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Mom Guilt

I suffer from Mom Guilt...a lot, a lot more than I'd like to admit. It's a challenge being a working mom but it's one I put on myself. Yes I do have to work, especially now that we have a mortgage, but also I want to work. I want it all, a family and a career.

Maybe I'm not all that different from other moms but I feel like it...a lot. I rarely give up time with Liam. I'm really lucky to have a husband that let's me train basically whenever I want (early mornings before Liam is up or immediately after he's asleep) and a bestie that is the most understand human to ever have walked the face of the earth. I work but I rarely even take a lunch so I get a little extra time with Liam each day. I drop him off at daycare or Grandma's house (depending on the day) rush to work, work and rush to pick him up. I don't workout when he's awake, I don't hang out with friends.... I read to him, play with him, change him, whatever he needs. I try to be just in the moment with him as much as possible.

I swear I'm not obsessive. I just want to be his mom, I want the time I have with him to be all about him. I want him to know he has all my love for everyday we have. I know a lot of this is because I can't have more children, I value all the time I have with him so much knowing I will not experience these firsts again. Time moves so quickly, I just want to soak in these years.

Not to say it isn't hard sometimes, I get tired and frustrated. I want just a little time to myself. Who doesn't?

So once in a great while I take a little "me" time. Usually I'll let Liam sleepover at the Grandparent's house. They love having him, he loves being there. I love getting some extra rest or cleaning done. But even then I feel so guilty. Or on the days I do take a lunch (and go for a run), that extra hour eats at me...even if I run an errand without him on the weekend, it just kills me sometimes.

But why? I mean really why not take a little break once in a while? How do men do it and feel nothing, they (seemingly) have no guilt at all.


I push myself so hard, I run myself ragged...the most important thing I can do in this life is a be a good mom to him but I need to take care of myself too.

There is no right answer, is there?

We now live in our forever home!

Part of the reason for my lack of posting is we finally moved into our forever home!  It was a bit crazy there in the very end, everyday was all maybe we can close today, maybe xyz will be done and the bank will call and.... and lots of xyz taking three more days than everyone said it would.  But in the end?  In the end we are still in.  We closed a week ago yesterday (Monday afternoon, which btw not ideal at all but do-able).

I'd been packing slowly but surely every night a box or seven depending on my mood and energy level.  I packed a crap ton of small boxes since I'd been saving diaper and wipe boxes for....ever.  But that kinda worked out too, it made unpacking (which also has been a little every night) much easier.  V and I took last Tuesday off and did a vast majority of the moving our selves while Liam was at daycare.  When my in-laws got off work that night they brought the big furniture over in one trip with the use of a giant truck from V's work.

One thing I didn't fully grasp was how stressful this whole thing would be on Liam.  We had visited the house once or twice a week for the last four months, in the last 4-6 weeks he knew where we were going and clapped every time we pulled up.  Each time we came into the house he ran around and laughed with amazing joy....  On Tuesday about 3:30pm I hit a wall, I could not move one more box, I went and picked Liam up early and went to the house just he and I.  (I had made his room priority #1 that morning so it was completely set up upon his arrival).  The moment we walked through the door he was ultra clingy I thought ut oh, this is not typical.  Something about seeing all his things in this new place stressed him out.  He started to whine and I said something I've said to him countless times (at the old house) show me what you want Liam.  And the tears started, he couldn't show me what he wanted, he had no idea where anything was....my heart broke.  We spent the next ~2 hours just us walking around, I'd let him explore and point out where things were but he wouldn't let me get too far away from him (which was fine by me).  I asked V's mom to watch Liam at our house for the next two days so he could get used to it here, she said he was pretty clingy the first day but each day has gotten better and now you'd have no idea it was stressful at all.

I'm so in love with our house, I feel like I can breathe here.  We have so much storage and space to spread out.  One huge thing that we couldn't do at the rental was eat dinner together, just the layout of the kitchen only allowed one of us to sit at the table while Liam ate in his highchair (typically V or I would stand off to the side so we sorta ate together).  Now family dinners are a nightly event!  It's the simple things in life that really matter!

Much Love,
Jen

I'm officially 30!

Today I entered a whole new decade in my life (and age category in running as my bestie noted).  I wasn't weirded out last night nor this morning, although Liam is cutting a back tooth and didn't sleep well so I was a bit too tired to be too concerned with my age.

V and Liam surprised me with two charms for my Pandora bracelet, Liam was especially excited to present me a gift which was super cute!  V has been giving me these charms our entire marriage but since they are a bit pricey the frequency has gone way down with the addition of Mr Liam. I was totally surprised since we had agreed to no gifts with the finish of the house so close! V told me he tried to find a house charm which I thought was super sweet.  After some hugs and kisses we all succuried to get ready and out the door.

At work I received many kind emails, facebook has been a flood of kind words and my bestie surprised me with flowers for my desk! They have found a prime spot to get any possible sunlight!  My sweet co-workers took me to lunch at one of my favorite places, we ate and laughed until we thought we'd explode! (Bosslady is traveling so that is a nice little break too.) Tonight Liam gets a sleepover with Grandma & Grandpa while V and I go on a rare date night!

I have no deep thoughts on turning 30, I'm slightly glad my 20s are behind me but only because of my excitement for the years to come.  The bombings in Boston have taken up a lot of my mental space lately but mostly because of the pride in a community I consider myself part of; the running community has stepped up in big and heartfelt ways...My bestie (and Liam if the weather is good) will do a organized run on Monday night with all the proceeds going to the The One Fund and I can't think of a better thing to do at the start of this decade!

And if anyone is counting approx. 8 days until we close on our house.....tick tock tick tock!

Much Love,
Jen

On Turning 30

I've been a horrible blogger lately.  Life is so busy these days with working, trying to be super mom and a good wife, training for my race and oh yeah just being Jen.  No easy task I tell ya but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Life seems to speed by so quickly that I rarely even stop to think if something is blog worthy.

In about 20 days I'll be 30 years old.  Guess What? I'm PUMPED!  No seriously.  My life has only gotten better with each passing year and 30 is going to be a fantastic year!  Vic and I are [finally] doing well, I have the cutest little boy on the face of the planet and we will finally be in our own home, or at least really close, work is going well and I love running more than ever.  

30.is.going.to.ROCK!  
This is my year I can feel it.

I find it odd that people fear aging and seem to especially fear turning 30.  Not this lady, no sir.  Perhaps it's that I have yet to find a grey hair, not that I go searching for them either though... heaven knows I have my fair share of wrinkles and stretch marks.  My body is much different than Honestly I'm just so different than it once was but regardless I'm thankful I get to celebrate another year, I got to spend another year loving my family, really what more could I ask for?  None of us know the number of our days, I'm certainly not going to waste time stressing about getting older.

I'm not counting the days until the end of my twenties but I'm ready for 30, very ready.

Much Love,
Jen

Bloodwork Results {Good News}

On Monday I took a much needed (and deserved) day off to spend with Liam.  I intentionally didn't make plans with friends, I just wanted some Liam time and it was wonderful!  He slept in so I got an extra hour and half of sleep which was amazing (fellow Mommas, can I get an amen?).  Before he rose I popped out of bed and made us some scrambled eggs and cut up fresh fruit.  V got Liam up just before he had to head to work.

Liam and I spent the morning just playing and reading, it was glorious!  However, after a weekend spent mostly at home I could tell he wanted to get out of the house. How did I know this you ask, because he wouldn't stop bringing me his coat and shoes!  Little stinker!  I got the hint, I popped him in his crib with a few toys while I took a very short shower and threw my wet hair in a ponytail.  I dressed both of us and off we went!  Our mall has a play area for smaller kids (under 5-6) which on the weekends is so over run with older (and unruly) children Liam never wants to go near it.  I knew on a quiet Monday morning it would be heaven, with coffee in hand it was confirmed!  I should have brought the camera (because I'm too cheap to pay for data I don't own a "smart" phone), the pictures would have been awesome but enjoying the time was amazing!  Liam ran around with another little boy his age, up the stairs and down the little slide a million times!  We stayed there until Liam was super tired then it was home for lunch and nap!


V's mom gets off really early on Mondays, she came over after work so I could run off for a bloodwork appointment.  I was not excited, I thought up every excuse in the book to not good and secretly hoped MIL would cancel.  She did not.  I arrived at the lab and after checking in was greeted by a familiar nurse.  Who am I kidding they are all familiar at this point! LOL!  The whole process was simple and quick but I was nervous enough that I was sweating like mad...gross and annoying but thankfully I don't think it was obvious. I asked her if my dr would have the results today, she replied Oh yeah but you know doctor's you won't hear from them until tomorrow or Weds.  I smiled and said Okay but she recalled my story from previous visits and offered to call me with my platelet number later.  Let me just say right here I know that technically she should not have done this and it's not in her job to deliver what could have been very bad results BUT she offered so I gladly accepted. 

Three hours later I was home just cleaning up after dinner assuming the nurse had either forgotten or my results weren't good and she decided against it when my phone rang.  Hi, Jen? This is Nurse X.  Your numbers are low but really good for you, your at 126k!  Congrats!  I thanked her about 11 times before letting her go, with teary eyes I told V. Hugs all around!

A little recap: (Normal: 150k+)
Diagnosis: Sept 2011: 10k
Sept/Oct 2011: Treated with Predniose, I responded well but after coming off my #s steadily went down
April 2012: 90k (per my hematologist < 80k=dangerous/treatment needed)
Remission: Aug 2012: 300k
No Remission for Me: Nov 2012: 115k
This month: Feb 2013: 126k


So it appears that I do indeed have a chronic case of ITP which I will have to monitor for the rest of my life, the good news is that my body is currently holding it's on.  I'm in a place where my internal medicine dr is fine monitoring me and I can proceed with confidence in my Half Marathon training!  God is so good and faithful when we give things up to him, he has provided for me and I couldn't be more thankful.!

The Thoughts in My Head

I've writen, edited, deleted and re-writen this post more times than I care to admit. It's time to just give in and publish it.
-Jen
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You know the kind, the ones that only surface when you are tired and don't have the energy to keep them at bay or during your dreams when you're not totally in control.  The kind that pop into your head suddenly at 3am and keep you awake when you are desperate for sleep.  Yeah those kind.

I've been avoiding the fact that I had routine blood work done in November, I wanted to establish care with a standard 'ol internal medicine doctor and have my cholesterol checked for good measure.  We discussed my interesting health history (including diagnosis and remission of my ITP) and it was decided to check my platelets for good measure.  I was told if everything were fine I'd receive a letter in the mail with a breakdown of my blood work.  Instead I received a call. I'm no longer in remission.  After just three short months my platelets have gone down by more than 50% and are were below normal, but not at a dangerous level.  Right now my internal med dr is ok with monitoring me again in a few months, depending on that result I'll have to find a hematologist (I can no longer be treated by Dr T due to my lovely insurance).  I'll be checked again in around 60 days as I'm planning another Half Marathon.  The time has come to have my numbers checked so it will be in the next three weeks as I'm about to start training for my second half marathon.

This news was a blow, obviously not as bad as last time but a blow none the less.  I told only a couple friends and waited to tell V because his uncle was in the hospital, he had a heart and was still being monitored.  I needed V's uncle to be a little better before I could burden V with this news.  After a few days uncle was released and Thanksgiving had passed so I brought it up to V, he handles things differently than most people (I think), and often times I have to tell him exactly what I need from him because he follows my lead (if I'm freaked out he freaks out, I'm typically his rock).  So in this instance where I was sad and a little freaked out, I needed him to be my rock.  Initially he got kinda defensive which hurt.  I had to explain to him that I'm not as freaked out as last time and that this will not determine how I live my life but I am sad and I should be allowed that.  Once he understood where I was coming from he was supportive again.  It was strange this time around, I didn't want to hear all the puppies-and-rainbow business, I just wanted to be sad for a moment.  I'm really relating to Christina on Parenthood right now though her diagnosis is clearly much worse than mine.

The holidays were nice, they allowed me to been to push all this to the back of my mind and just sort of be on auto pilot about it all.  I reminded myself that I don't look sick and I don't feel sick, I can still have a relatively normal life and best of all it's not genetic so Liam has no greater chance of having it than I did.  With "the holidays" long gone it's not been as easy to stay busy and a little fear has crept back into my mind.  I've started having nightmares about returning to the Cancer Specialists office for treatments but this time it's the treatments I've feared this whole time.  I have dreams that Dr T is disappointed that I'm not well, as if I've done something to make this return.  I find myself thinking about the strangest details of it all at the strangest times.  I realize this is all just the junk in the back of my mind making it's way forward when I have little control, you know because I'm sleeping (or at least trying to).

I'm still working out, about to start training plan for my next half marathon.  I'm still doing bodycombat for cross training.  I'm still being me and being a wife and mom, still enjoying life.  I refuse to let this define me, I'm just sad that it's even still a part of me, I'm sad I have to accept its back in again.  I have to adjust to the fact that I have a chronic disease for the rest of my life...again and that is going to take some work.  I feel like I'm sort of back at square one, maybe square three or five but back towards the beginning of this whole thing and that is disappointing.

Christ-mas Recap 2012

Our little world sure has been busy!  Have I ever mentioned that V's family is huge, huge-huge!  Thankfully after 6 Christmases I have everyone's name down, such was not always the case, yikes! :)

This year we started establishing our own traditions and I made sure to inform V's mom, I love her but she would certainly eat up every free second we have if I don't set some boundaries.  Christmas Eve we got up early as usual and ate, I had lit a tree scented candle and put on some Christmas music while setting all of our gifts in the center of the living room for Liam to rip into.  He had such a blast pulling bows and ribbon off, he even pulled the wrapping paper off (something he's never had much interest in it before).  Because V's family is so large we didn't over indulge Liam, we bought him a few outfits, some jammies (tradition starting), a little toddler chair and a magna-doddle all of which were a huge hit with him so mission accomplished.  V and I did gifts and played with the little guy until nap time.

While Liam napped I made some green beans as my contribution to Christmas dinner at V's paternal grandparents house later in the day.  (They turned out just a little spicey but everyone seemed to enjoy them as there were no leftovers, also no one noticed I used turkey bacon!)  Dinner was fun, then we all went to our respective church services which was a challenge with no childcare, Liam only sat through half of the
Christmas morning V got up with Liam and let me rest since I hardly slept the night before, after a short nap we all scurried around and got ready (while making a egg side for brunch) to head out to V's parents for the day.  Brunch was fun and tasty then we opened gifts.  It was nice to have both V's paternal grandparents and maternal grandma there with us again.  Although I have to admit I was getting nervous as we were passed Liam's nap time again, it was a recipe for disaster, but he did ok through gifts and loved opening anything anyone would let him.  He's such a little ham when surrounded by family, it's obvious that he is so love which just warms my heart to watch!  He was spoiled with more toys by each and every person (almost).  Thankfully after that he took a nap and so did I!

The rest of the day we lounged around, more family streamed in and out, lots of snacks were had and white elephant gifts exchanged.  V and I went home earlier than planned so Liam could have a relaxing bath before bed and all of us could get much needed rest.  Even V turned in early.

All in all it was super busy but very fun.  Next year I really want to focus more on building our traditions and making it less about stuff and running around and more about the true meaning that it should be.  I'm hoping since we'll be in our new home that some of the celebration can be had there.

I hope each of you had a fantastic Christmas!
Much Love,
Jen

Unimaginable Saddness for Newtown, CT

I feel weird even writing about this, I just wish it were all a horrible-horrible dream.  The pain of the whole town of Newtown, CT is unimaginable.  I've been strategically avoiding the media coverage, it just hits a different place in my heart now that I'm a mom.  Unfortunately you can't avoid it forever, I started listening to little bits of President Obama's speech last night while I folded laundry (and Liam unfolded it, lol).  I cried hearing him speak the names of the 20 children lost (I changed the channel so I don't know if he spoke the 6 lost adults names).  I cried on the way to work as they discussed the funerals of those little children.  It all just breaks my heart.

It's unfortunate that tragic events like this happen, and it seems like this one has shaken us all a little deeper.  I refuse to think about it in too much depth....I just can't.  Often times, when something like this happens I get a bit consumed and read/watch everything I can get my hands on, like much of America.  (Personally I think this is a bit of the problem)  Not this time though, I'm acting on gut instinct like on Friday night when I abruptly cancelled Liam's sleepover at G'ma's.  I just needed him home, much more than I needed a date night.  Instead our evening was full of toddler giggles and random hugs (Liam's new thing) and I wouldn't have it any other way.

This horrible event has had a seemingly universal effect on all of us, we're all grabbing our loved ones, no matter the age, and pulling them just a little closer for a moment longer.  On Saturday afternoon as I was putting Liam down for his nap he rested his head on my shoulder and instantly fell asleep, instead of laying him down I sat in the rocker in his room and just held him, it was so peaceful as he pressed against my chest I could have stayed there for three hours (and I considered it).  I slowly lay him down after a good 20 minutes, he peaked open one eye and smiled before falling back to sleep.  It was priceless.  And instead of scurrying off to the gym while Liam napped I snuggled in V's arms while he watched his man shows.

We've all been taken back, we're all making vows to be kinder, gentler, more patient and more present....I just wish it didn't have to come as a result of this unspeakable tragedy, and I hope we are all still living by these vows in three months.

I hope and pray that this madness ends, that our eyes fewer and fewer of this horrible events until there are no such things.  I realize full well that the likelihood of all this is essentially nonexistent but I a girl mom can hope and dream.

Much Love,
Jen

My Body 18 Months After Baby

This post is full of TMI so if the thought of that makes you qweezy turn back now, you've been warned.


First I'll start with the elephant in the room, or lack thereof.  I've lost 63 pounds since having Liam.  I gained 49 of those while pregnant.  I had a lot of swelling but it still took a lot of effort to loose the weight.  I've kept it off now for just shy of a year.  At first I just lost the weight, I was skinny fat.  I looked thin but had little muscle to speak of.  I counted calories {using MyFitnessPal.com}for over 9 months straight, almost every day.  Last Spring I took up running jogging, this improved the condition of my body immensely.  It also kept me sane while I dealt with my Autoimmune Disease.  Although I'm now what many people call skinny (I prefer healthy) I'm not as confient as you would think.

First I have stretch marks, the worst of which are on my breasts.  Most of them have faded greatly....except on my breasts.  I got those nasty purple ones that are deep as the grand canyon on my breasts.  I tried hard to breast feed Liam for the first three months of his life, during those three months 90% of my milk was in my right breast, it was literally a solid D and the left one was a small B.  I'd also like to take a moment to say not all women get stretch marks just on their breasts and bellies, I have some in the oddest of places.....I'll leave it at that.

Which brings me to my next topic; my breasts or lack thereof.  You know how some women joke about their breasts resembling tube socks with sand in the bottom after having a baby?  They weren't joking.  For a wide variety of reasons (including my weight gain and loss) my breasts are a very small B on a good day (you know those days when you had too much salt the day before?).  They also are empty feeling, I don't know a better way to say it than that, it's odd at best.

And lastly my stomach.  While it's flater than I would have imagined it would ever be I still have some loose skin around my belly button.  It's not horrible but it's weird sometimes.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get it even sort of tight again.

These things leave me uncomfortable even sorta naked, even around my husband.  He doesn't seem to mind but I dunno, I guess I'm still just a little uncomfortable in this body.  It still feels a little foreign to me.  Please don't think I'd trade Liam for my old body because I would NOT.  I'm proud of this strange new body, first and foremost it gave me Liam that in itself is a miracle I would not trade for anything.  This body made it through the crazy experience which was (and unfortunately looks like will be [more on this later]) my Autoimmune Disease.  Last but not least this body did a Half Marathon in 2 hours and 42 minutes.  I really am in the best shape of my life, it's just superficial stuff that bothers me.

I guess my real point is I'm not as confident as you would expect me to be, even though I'm certainly in the best shape of my life.  I have a co-worker who is on her journey to loosing some weight, she constantly says things about wanting to look like me and sometimes I think to myself "you don't want these boobs or belly trust me."  I suppose the real lesson here is to not compare ourselves to others, no matter what they may look like etc. Don't judge a book by it's cover.

Much Love (and Honestly)
-Jen

Speak to me

Some days 18 months seems so little then some days it feels like life is speeding by me at immeasurable speeds.

It was this time last year Liam was just figuring out how to roll over front to back now he's climbing every piece of furniture we own like a well skilled mountain goat!  It was just before Thanksgiving last year that we tried rice cereal for the first time....last night he had pizza for dinner! What?!  He's also picking up on words we use (or phrases like telling the dog to "GO!").  Apparently that time he said "Doggie" perfectly was a fluke because he's never said it since BUT he's currently working on a list of D words: Dog, Duck, Down....I'm sure there are more he's working on that escape my short term memory.  He's long mastered Deer (sounds like Diah), he will even look for them out the windows of my in-laws home where they are common place.

On weekday mornings Liam already helps with our routine bringing me his shoes (matching ones even!).  He's pretty easy going about having his teeth brushed after breakfast, getting dressed and out the door even in his big coat.  He really loves his buddies at Nanna's house especially now that a little boy is going there too.

Thankfully Liam still loves sleep, he goes down at 7:30p and gets up about 6:50am on weekdays and on weekends we allow him to sleep until he wakes which normally is about 7:15am-ish.  He's also fully transitioned to one nap usually around noon for 2.5-3 hours.  He still sleeps in his crib, we don't plan to convert it to a toddler bed until we move at which point he'll be 21 months (we'll see how the move goes it may be closer to his 2nd bday).

Eating has been interesting lately, he has days where he is just picky and won't even eat meals he usually loves.  Very strange.  But we are committed to not being short order cooks so if he doesn't eat his meal then he'll have to wait until the next.  Liam has already picked up on this and will usually eat at least some of whatever his meal is.  We still offer him snacks but not his favorite ones, we don't want him to learn that he can skip healthy meals and still get his favorite treats.  This appears to be working....so far.  He's certainly growing so we know he's not missing too many meals.  He's currently fitting into 18-24 month clothing perfectly, 2T runs just a little big but isn't horrible (he doesn't seem to mind).

Liam is such a good and sweet little boy.  I feel so very blessed.  I'm so thankful that we were able to have him, he's truly a miracle.  It's still hard for me to fully accept that we aren't able to have more children but it's gotten significantly easier...on the more challenging days I just focus hard on devoting all my energy to being the best mom to Liam and when all else fails I go to the gym cuz that always helps! :)

Much Love,
Jen

Lazy-ish Weekend

With all the stress I've been dealing with over the last ~2 weeks I was a bit over whelmed when it came to this weekend, we had a lot planned and I started to get anxious, I just didn't see how we could really get it all done....so I started canceling whatever I could.  More than anything I needed down time with my family (and maybe a workout).  May I just say, Mission Accomplished.

A brief overview of our weekend:

Friday Night: Dinner with V's parents & a Movie on the sofa after Liam was in bed (Men in Black II, very good btw)

Saturday:
Shortly after we all got up and had eaten breakfast V insisted I head to the gym for my favorite BodyCombat Class and I listened, it was wonderful and I needed it
Liam and I did Parent-Tot swim lessons, so much fun!
Lunch & Family nap time
Liam and I ran a couple errands (I found an adorble shirt at The Gap 50% off!)
Liam and I grabbed smoothies (his first) before heading home for dinner with V and play time
After Liam was in bed V and I did our own thing, I finished The Last Lecute (I highly recommend it!) and went to be early...V played video games


Sunday:
Liam slept until almost 9:30am, two hours later than normal which means we all got to sleep in....it was glorious (we also missed church again, oh well).
After a lovely lazy morning we all got ready and ran over to have Liam's picture taken with Santa (I had cancelled our appt with the photographer we usually use and decided to just get an affordable one which turned out great!  10 mins in and out)
Liam is currently napping while V watches tv and I mess around on here, later Liam and I will volunteer in the nursery at church for evening service.

This weekend was exactly what I needed, I could really use another two days like this!  My stress level has dropped significantly (Thank God!) and I feel as prepared as I can be for the week ahead.

Much Love,
Jen

Happy Things

Today I'm forcing a smile, I can't lie....I'm under a ton of stress right now.  I'm doing my best to manage it but I need a break real soon.  In an effort to make it through I'm focusing on happy things.

Without further ado:

-Liam, enough said?  He's growing up so fast.  He's so fun and funny.  This weekend we went to a local sporting goods store and just looked around.  I put him down and let him walk around and he had the best time!  He also had his first sucker recently, the kid was in heaven!  Ah the simply joys.

-V and I are doing great especially considering all we have going on.  That alone is pretty darn awesome.

-My MIL & FIL agreed to watch Liam in May while V and I get away for a few days to celebrate our 5th Wedding anniversary/ My 30th Birthday  AND I'm going to do another Half Marathon!!!

-Speaking of my second Half Marathon I can not wait!  I have already scheduled the time off work, I still need to register (I'm waiting because if I register on 12/13 I get $13 off, it's a promo), and book our hotel which I'll probably do tonight.  It's such a blessing to have something so positive to focus on right now.

-While no progress has been made our house (they haven't even started digging our basement, boo!) we do get to pick our our finishes tomorrow night.

-I've been wearing my hair back in a ponytail a lot lately which is very unlike me (my hair is almost always straightened and down).  The thing is I'm starting to really like the ease of having my hair back and I'm finding simple ways to make it feel not too frumpy.  (and the extra 20 mins sleep is nice!)

-I've been getting into this new class: BodyCombat...it's a bit crazy but I love it.  I go once per week in the morning (5am) and on Saturdays when I can.  The "me" time is amazing, I can't wait for another class!

-I bought myself a new pair of jeans and running shoes.  I got great deals so I splurged on myself (both were less than $70 which is less than the retail of the jeans alone!).  I rarely do things like that for myself and since we're building our house I won't be doing it again any time soon.

-When you google "happy things" this pic comes up, adorable!!!

Whew, that actually worked!  Thank goodness! I hope each of you are having a wonderful day/week!!

Much Love,

Jen

ThankFUL

This week has been a little crazy, V's uncle was admitted to one of the local hospitals on Tuesday night after having a "mild" heart attack.  Long story short they found two semi-blocked arteries that required three stints.  Stress-full.  This uncle is by far both of our favorites, he's always positive, always encouraging, always nice.  I'm thankful to say he was discharged from the hospital today, just in time to enjoy some family time on Thanksgiving.

I consider myself a fairly thankful person, I had a pretty horrible childhood so I know what I have and I know to appreciate it.  But the last two weeks have made me even more thankful.  While V and I certainly aren't perfect we do love each other and work really hard at our marriage.  I have the most amazing little boy in the whole world who is healthy, a blessing I don't take lightly.  I could go on and on but I'll stop and just say I have a full heart that leaves me thankFUL this Thanksgiving.

I hope all of you have had a wonderful Thanksgiving surrounded by people that leave you feeling loved and thankful.

Much Love,
Jen

The Difference Between Men & Women

Last night as our little family was eating dinner V says "I have something to talk to you about".  When he prefaces things this way it's not usually a great thing (for me anyway, it usually has something to do with him playing more video games or hunting/fishing more).  I have to admit I gave him the side eye before asking him to go on.

Since officially signing on to build our first ever home we've been thinking and planning much more into the future than usual.  Currently we're scheduled to move into our home two weeks after our 5th wedding anniversary, which is also two weeks before my 30th birthday and just less than 6 weeks before a half marathon I'm hoping to do out of state.....the timing is interesting.  It feels like we have a lot of balls in the air (hehe I just got a horrible mental picture, not those kind of balls!!!!)

With all that said V and I have been talking about our paid time off schedules, both of us accumulate a good amount each year but both of our employers have a "use it or lose it" policy.  I have carefully scheduled the hours I am required to use and I will hoard the rest for: the move, our get away (aka anniversary/my bday celebration/ half marathon trip) and heaven forbid one of us gets sick.  Then there is V, I love him-I really do.....but he doesn't see things anything in the same manner as I do.  He's decided to go almost broke on paid time off and start fresh at the beginning of the year.  Sigh.  While in some ways this is good, we'll save over a week in daycare cost BUT should Liam get sick (or the woman who watches him) it will all rest on me to take time off....me, the one who is hoarding my time off for other scheduled events.  Oh men.

I just couldn't help but laugh a little, we see things so differently.  And I get it, I do.  V just took a day off recently because work was so slow and spent the day with Liam, both of them had a blast!  I can see where V is coming from wanting to spend that time with Liam again, I just wish he'd carry over a little safety net.

Can I get an Amen?
Much Love,
Jen 

Juggling

Some days I think I rock at this whole super-wife, rockstar-working-mom gig.  Then there are weeks like this one.  Oy vey!   I'm sitting at work sipping a much needed latte and I could easily fall fast asleep right here, right now.

Some weeks I can rock out five or six healthy dinners, get lots of quality time in with Liam, have the whole house fairly well organized, all the bills paid early and even get a workout or two in.  Not this week, it's Friday morning and I haven't gotten a single workout in, there is hope for tomorrow...kinda.  The bills that are due this week are paid but I'm not ahead of the game like I want to be.  Some of the house is clean and I made....one healthy dinner.  In all fairness with Liam's fever that lasted Monday-Thursday morning I was just making him things I knew he would eat so he would eat something (homemade mac and cheese with peas).  I haven't skimped on the quality time with Liam because it's always at the top of my priority list. I only straightened my hair today because we have a meeting with the builder right after work, otherwise I'd be rocking wet-hair-pulled-into-a-ponytail style.

I'm exhausted.  I feel like I'm just barely keeping up and no where near getting ahead.  I feel like I'm juggling but I keep dropping all the balls.  I don't feel like a failure though because I'm still trying, you only fail if you give up.  All I can do is make a list and start checking things off one-by-one.

I'm sure all moms feel this way at times, maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves, who knows.  I don't think I'll ever be a "whatever" kind of mom, I'm always going to want to have it all; tons of quality time with Liam, clean house, healthy dinners, finances in check, happy family, career....I want it all and damn it I'm going to bust my ass until I have as much of this dream as I can.

Not entirely sure if there is a point in there, just a healthy dose of honesty about this week.  I'm just glad the election is over, we all know the result know so maybe people will keep a few more opinions to themselves, one can hope!

V Plays Stay at Home Dadda

Liam was acting off yesterday, we chalked it up to the time change.....but boy was he grumpy!  Flash to this morning, Liam woke up crying really hard.  This is not normal for him at all, usually he happily wakes and calls out to us (in mumble-y 18 month old chatter).  Not today, today was full of loud cries.  I hadn't gotten up for the day yet (my alarm was set to go off in another 5 mins at 6:10am), so I told V that I would change Liam's diaper.  When I picked poor little Liam up he was physically on fire, I laid him on the changing table and started about stripping off his pjs, changing his diaper and taking his temp...... 102.5, yikes!  V didn't miss a beat, he called off work to spend the day with Liam. 

I quickly got ready then ran to the store for some juice and bananas (and bagels for V and I).  I'm so thankful to have a husband that is willing to stay home with our sick child. I know a lot of men wouldn't even consider staying home and some women who wouldn't let their husband stay home to care for an ill child.  I'm glad either of those things are true in my marriage.  (Even though V' boss thinks it's totally nuts that V will stay home with Liam he still allows Vic to use sick time to care for Liam.)  I called to check on Liam several times, each time V reassured me Liam was getting better and better.

Finally my work day was done, I rushes straight home and Liam was so very excited to see me!  V reported that Liam hadn't eatten great but was snacking and his temp had some down a little.  We spent a lovely evening of just chilling, eatting a little dinner and relaxing.  I gave Liam a second dose of infant IB profrin and now his temp is just slightly over 100 degrees.  A few minutes before we would have normally put Liam to bed he picked up a blanket off the floor and walked into his room, he was clearly ready!  We did our normal routine of; clean diaper, jammies, sippy of water and sit on my lap while Dadda reads and when we put Liam into his crib he rolled on his side and was out before we turned off the light!

It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Goodbye Morning Nap, Hello Molars!

Holy Smokes, it's true when they say your child(ren) grow up so fast!  It feels like just yesterday Liam couldn't hold up his own head how he's a running fool!

A few weeks ago Liam started to transition out of his morning nap and like all other things so far we've let him take the lead on being ready or not.  He was clearly ready, so we had Nanna (who watches him 4 days/week) encourage it a little.  Within just two weeks he was fully transitioned, we had one little set back when he wasn't feeling so great but now we are clear on the side of no return.  And ya know what?  I'm so happy!  I know a lot of parents morn the loss of the morning nap because they fit in more "me" time or clean or whatnot and I certainly did use it as "me" time on Saturdays.  BUT this whole single two hour nap in the middle of the day is delightful!  We can leave the house for more than two hours at a time, why hello going to church!  Liam is clearly happy with the change as well.  It makes fitting a weekend workout in a little trickier for me but it's ok, I'd rather have the extra time with Liam anyway.

And in similar news the kid has a mouth full of teeth!  Seriously!  I had no idea this is how teething went!  He started in March and it's been pretty much back to back teeth!  Now he's getting molars! Molars! What?!  He doesn't seem old enough for this business!  The poor little guy, man they tell you molars are a b---h and they are!  I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he'd been so incredibly grumpy lately then I stuck my finger in his mouth, because that is what moms do....and hello THREE molars trying to come in (one had at least broken through the skin and two others are super puffy).  Duh Jen!  Gosh I felt like a bad mom, all my kiddo wanted was teething tablets!!!  And he was a saint after I gave them to him.  This whole parenting thing sure has a learning curve!

Doing Good & Running

I've wanted to get a few more races in this fall before the snow starts to fly and I'm trapped inside for months on end.  I  SO was excited when my bestie wanted to do a local 5k that benefited women who can't afford breast cancer screenings and treatment.  Last weekend we ran that 5k together and it was awesome!  We arrived bright and early, I had hoped to run the 5k with Liam in the stroller but he had started to get a cold and it was only 25 degreed that morning....no race for little Liam.  There were 1,100 women almost all of whom were dressed up, Bestie and I were Batman and Superman respectively.  We had a good time considering she recently had jaw surgery and currently had a cold (final time 34:15).  After the race we took our turn in the photo booth, got some snacks and just hung around.  What a lovely Saturday morning!

The next charitable 5k I have planned is in chilly November and it actually put on by the nurses from the Oncology Center I had to visit for my Autoimmune Disease.  The proceeds go to different types of cancer treatment etc.  It feels good to go running but it feels even better knowing the ~$25 registration fee is going to a good cause.

Now if I could just kick this cold and fit in a good run this weekend (probably not going to happen).

Happy Friday!
Much Love,
Jen