May 18, 2010

So that's where my breaking point is, good to know.

Sunday (aka Mother’s Day) I woke up kinda cranky, but was determined to shake it. V. and I headed off to church and sat with mom-in-law and dad-in-law. And then it started, the sermon on Ruth 4. Ruth had been widowed, ends up falling for this guy Boaz and despite that she was previously married for 10 years and never had children. Then God "opened her womb" and she got pregnant on her wedding night with Boaz. And my pastor gets on his standard “get married and have babies immediately” soapbox, then proceeds to talk about how he understand that some people can’t have children and talks about his brother and wife who NEVER were able to have children yadda yadda yadda, God opens and closes wombs. I lost in right there and started to cry. I excused myself to the ladies room and came back and did my best to hold it together. I really hoped that the fam would just think I was just frustrated by the pressure to have kids asap and ignore it.
Unfortunately it was Mother’s Day and we had all made plans to meet at a local chain restaurant for lunch. Great (sarcasm intended). Grandma-in-law, brother-in-law and mom-in-law and dad-in-law arrive just before us as well as V.’s great aunt. Things went fine for the most part until brother-in-law joked (as he ALWAYS does) that V. and I need to give dad-in-law what he really wants for father’s day; a grandchild. I snapped my head to look directly at him and said “you know[name] it’s not always easy for people to get knocked up” him “oh [my name], you’d be surprised” [please note he is a 26 year old virgin with no dating experience] me (angry tone) “No, YOU would be surprised.” And Cue awkward silence. Thank God our meal was over, V. quickly made an excuse for us to go, he could tell I was hurting. We no sooner got outside and mom-in-law runs up and hugs me saying “we love YOU, we don’t care about babies, really” I start absolutely bawling and say “we’ve been trying for months, I…I don’t know if we can. I am SO sorry we ruined your Mother’s Day” I tried to back away. She was so surprised she just hugged me tighter and said “you didn’t ruin anything, we love you” I just cried and said “I just want to go home” and V. got me out of there. How embracing. I just cried on the way home, V. was so great. We got home and he just held me. I spent the remainder of the afternoon on the sofa.

Several days have passed now, I was able to spend some time with just mom-in-law and tell her what is really going on, she was surprised and sad but hopeful. I learned she had several miscarriages. How sad. She offered no advice, and thankfully so. I get so tired of advice, unless I have sought it out. She and dad-in-law are there for us and supporting us and has already told brother-in-law to grow up and be more sensitive to others.

What a long road. Today is cycle day 81, I have to call the dr in 9 days if flow doesn’t show on her own. Which I am certain she won’t. I need to prepare some questions. I don’t even know what to ask. *Sigh*

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