It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Liam is One Year Old

One year and two days if your counting. ;) Thrusday I was in full sappiness mode!  Each time I glanced at the clock I knew exactly what was going on at that time last year, I was full of joyful tears all day!  I simply couldn't wait to scoop up my baby and kiss him!

It's hard to believe I've been Liam's mom for a year now, well really more like almost two years (personally I believe life begins at conception so I've been a mom since Oct '10). I digress, I've been a mom now for a little while, it's hard to remember life before him.  We wanted a child, we tried for a him, we prayed for the blessing of a child.  And when we did get pregnant we weren't certain my permanency would make it so I spent each day loving on this little baby inside of me just praying I would have a "outside baby".  Being a mom is a challenge, it makes you grow in new ways and if your priorities weren't in line to begin with they will be rapidly!  It wasn't a difficult change for me, I was so ready but I had a lot to learn!  Luckily Liam had never been a newborn before so he didn't know I was still figuring a few things out! ;) I've learned to love in new ways and I certainly love more than I ever thought possible, each day my love grows.  I often think I can't love him anymore then the smallest thing will happen and my love grows wider and taller and fuller, it's taught me so much about the love of our creator.

It's funny how proud of him I get over funny things like standing.  I giggle a little to myself over this pride, I find myself cheering him on, out loud, Good Job Buddy!  Yay Liam!!!!  And he loves it, he'll stand and sit a thousand times if I cheer him on, it's hobby both of us enjoy.  I recently taught him to put smaller items inside of larger ones (cups), the other night he decided to put away his bath toys, he'd pick up one and put it in the basket we store them in.  One by one he put away about half of the toys.  I was so amazed!  Here is this little person that one year ago couldn't hold up his own head and now he's putting his bath toys away! WOW! My how time flies!

I cherish these moments, I try desperately to live in them, store them up in my soul to keep forever.  Motherhood is such a incredible blessing, my soul has new purpose and more love than it can possible hold.  I love each phase but I'm so excited for the next one.  I feel so blessed!

Much Love,
-Jen

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

Trips to Labor and Delivery #2, #3, #4 (and a Brith Story!)

Sorry I've been missing Peeps, as you can tell by the title our little guy (aka Liam!) arrived....on his due date...here is his brief Birth Story.

Monday, June 13th I woke up all throughout the night with contractions.  Finally at 6:30am I couldn't take it anymore I decided to shower since V would be up in about 30 mins.  After he got up we started timing them, and they were about 4 minutes apart consistently so we called our bosses and headed to Labor and Delivery!  We were hooked up to the monitors and found that yes I was in early labor and having consistent contractions but now they were 5 mins apart I was only dilated to 1.5 but 80% effaced.  We headed home to labor.  V and I spent the day walking, I took several showers and tried to rest.  After about 12 hours my contractions were much stronger, I felt I couldn't just labor at home anymore so we went to back to Labor and Delivery, we were monitored again to find that I hadn't made any progress but yes my contractions were much stronger (literally off the chart).  My dr offered me pain medicine and to stay at the hospital or to take a sleeping pill and go home.  We took the pill, got food on the way home (now midnight) and tried to labor at home...again.  Our sweet nurse said that 4am was the "witching hour" and she'd see us again then.  I half rolled my eyes and half hoped she was right.

At home V tried to rest and I labored while resting on and off.  Unfortunately the sleeping pill made me hallucinate so I didn't get much rest (I do not recommend taking sleeping pills while laboring).  I took a nap here and there showered around 3am, by 4am I literally could not take it another moment and tearfully got V up to take me to Labor and Delivery again telling him I would not let them make us leave again without a baby!  It was the longest car ride of my life (we only live ~7 mins away).  I don't recall who called my bestie and V's parents but they met us at the hospital.  I was checked and at 4cm, finally active labor!  My dr was already there for an emergency c-section so he was in and out to check on me, I know I saw him but I don't remember it.  I quickly reached 8cm and couldn't do it anymore and asked for pain management.  I was given a shot of something until the anesthesiologist arrived....unfortunately he entered the room and announced "we might now have enough time", WHAT!?  I begged him, "you have to do something" I was given a "intertecral" or two hour epidural. 

Two hours later the baby wasn't handling labor well, I was on oxygen and my dr was handling another emergency....oh yeah and my pain meds were all but gone!  Things got intense fast.  At about 9:20am I begged our amazing nurse "Where is Dr Wonderful?!?!"  Out of the blue he, suddenly there were 3 more nurses and a table full of medical supplies at my side and I was told "Jen, this just became a race." and heard Dr Wonderful say something about "intervention".  I pushed as hard as I possibly could through three contractions and Liam was born 20 minutes from when I asked for Dr Wonderful!  9:56am, weighing 6.15lbs and 20 inches long....I started balling and thanking God immediately!  He didn't cry right away and wasn't placed on my chest because they were worried about him having muconimum in this amniotic fluid and they said my placenta had issues so placed him on a near by table to be checked while I delivered the placenta and V took pictures.  Our nurses and staff were amazing, finally hearing Liam cry was incredible.  I had a internal tear which is healing slowly but other than that both Liam and I are perfectly healthy.  He's a sweet and cuddly little guy who has completely changed our lives for the better. 

Proof that miracles happen!

I think back to this time last year when V and I were facing the reality of infertility testing and our fears of never having a child and now here we are, the wait was worth it no matter how hard.  Today V and I will celebrate his first Father's Day and it nothing could be more fitting!  V is so incredibly smitten it's amazing and makes me fall so much more in love with him hourly.

I'm off now for another nap, it's true you really do have to sleep when the baby sleeps!!  And with breastfeeding every two hours those naps are like gold!  Fun fact, less than 5% of babies are born on their due dates, neat huh?

Sorry if my writing is at it's all time low these days, I won't lie to you I'm exhausted but in the best possible way.  He's worth every moment of exhaustion.  It's been wonderful to see all the people who love him come visit and check on us.  You know who you are.

A Bit Relived.

I had my weekly appt on Tuesday, a full 39 weeks...hard to believe isn't it?  I went into the appt ready to get this show on the road.  But then I sat there waiting for my turn, like I do every week...my poor dr is always so busy I've never gotten in on time, which is fine with me, he's worth the wait.  As I'm sitting there little guy is wiggling as best he can in his confined quarters and it occurs to me this could be the last time I feel this and I was deeply saddened.  I'll be fully honest with you, I'm not sure V and I will [try to] have more children (and I'm certainly not sure that even if we want more we can have more)...I've tried hard to walk through each and every moment of my pregnancy with this thought in my foreground; "this could be the only shot I get at this, I'm going to make the best of it."  As a result I've been called the "happiest pregnant woman" by many people and suffered little criticism about my hormones.  I consider it a complement.  Wow I got off course, back to my point.  So I get into see Dr Wonderful and I've made no progress therefore no steps towards inducing will be taken for now.  Fair enough, I mean I get it the more progress I can make naturally the less likely it is I'll end up with a c-section.  (Dr Wonderful didn't seem nearly as worried about little guy's size this week still putting him at 7-7.5lbs.)  Sure I was disappointed, I'm ready to meet this little guy but at the same time I so love this special time with him.  I so love the attention V gives both of us, he's super affectionate lately and I'm happy to share that with little guy!  Plus I know they grow so fast!  The moment he's out he'll just start growing up, so today I sit here treasuring each moment, each wiggle.  It's funny that as I walked the stairs to Dr Wonderful's office I was praying for an induction and was I walked the stairs leaving I was relieved to not be getting one.  Funny how life works!

Weird

As most of you know I'm on The Bump (ttc, pregnancy and more forum).  This morning I logged in and saw this (see pic below)...and my first thought was "weird!"  I can hardly believe I have seven days (ideally) left!!  Woah! 

Understanding the Waddle

Happy Monday Peeps!  I thought I'd start our week off with a funny revelation I had this morning!

This is my journey to understanding {Pregnancy} Waddling :)

It was a fairly typical morning around the 'ol house with V and I both preparing for work today, in our usual routine except I'm a bit sleep deprived, my body is preparing for baby by waking me every 1.5 hrs  (at most)  throughout the night to pee....I know this is for the best but today I'm pooped!  And I woke with a sore belly...in truth I'm not sure why it's sore, it feels....well....it just kinda hurts but little guy is wiggling about so I'm not concerned.  Perhaps I was having Braxton Hicks in the night?  Anyway I get up to shower, puffy feet and all and realize I'm waddling more than ever.  Now I can usually concentrate and not waddle but if I'm at home I usually let the waddle flow especially early in the morning. :)  Today was a prime example, you know you are waddling when even the dog moves our of your way!  Anyway the morning progresses and eventually I'm at work but still kinda waddling.  I actually thought to myself "ok Jen, enough with the waddling, you can do this!"  but it was kinda hard to stop so I took a moment while waddling from one end of our building to the other to access the root cause of my waddle: 
1.  Little guy is on top of my bladder these days a wider walk helps reduce the pressure, at least until I can get to the ladies room.
2. My bladder has the same retention ability as a chip monk, I'm not sure how this causes the waddle but I've noticed an increase in my waddling when I have to tinkle! 
3.  My belly is starting to drop (I think) that it's interfering with my ability to walk "correctly"
4. Exhaustion (enough said, yes?)
5. The faster I try to go the more I waddle, I'm absolutely certain this is hilarious of you are an on looker! 
6.The puffy feet, yes I blame them.  They hurt, not horribly but enough to be uncomfortable...thankfully my boss ok'd me to wear flip flops for the remainder of my pregnancy (I got nice ones so it's not like they are my Nike ones or something). 

I guess my point is that I thought (pre-pregnancy) that pregnant women waddled for attention, I mean I don't blame them!  Eat up all the attention you can, why not!  Nope, I was totally wrong it's totally physical, who would have thought, not me apparently!  :)

Disbelief

So last week at my dr appt Dr. Wonderful mentioned that he thinks little guy isn't exactly so little.  He did some pushing around and said he thinks little guy is already 7-7.5lbs.  Not huge but then Dr. Wonderful did some pushing around on my...ah....naughty bits (for lack of a better word) and also mentioned that he doesn't think I have a very big pelvis.  Ut oh.  Because I'm not progressing yet he's not ready to talk induction and said "everyone gets a shot at labor." which freaked me the he!! out!  This pregnancy sure has been a ride and I had sincerely hoped at least this part would be, dare I say, somewhat easy or "normal".  No one wants a c-section, well maybe some women do but I'm not among them.  I spent that evening with V doing most things we could think of to get little guy to make some down-ward progress including talking to him about it.  The next morning I was so mad at myself for that.  After all the early scares we had about losing little guy (before we knew he was indeed a guy) now I'm trying to get him to come before he's ready?! WTF self, wtf!?  Needless to say today I've changed my attitude.  I'm in disbelief we've even made it this far, that in no more than no two weeks, by whatever means necessary, I'll have a healthy baby boy in my arms.  I really need to be way more thankful that my body has done such a great job of keeping him in there and baking him.  So what if he's a bit bigger!  I'll figure out how to heal and deal with a c-section, it doesn't make me less of a woman or mother! 

Sorry that was a bit rambly, nothing unusual for me, just needed to get that out. Happy Saturday Peeps!

~2 Weeks Remaining

Weighty Issues: I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~9 months but because I'm swellling a lot and retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates over10lbs!). I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings. So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: have not taken up residence on the belly [yet], the community of the on my boobies is expanding.....

Sleep: I learned that I feel better if I intentionally don't sleep too long so this weekend I made sure to only sleep an extra ~hour/morning and napped if needed, it was just enough and I felt pretty great all weekend, yay me!

Best Moment this week: Yesterday he was SO wiggly it was crazy and fun!  I can't belive he still has enough room to move as much as he was!

Food: The usual, salads, fruit etc.  I did have an amazing smoothie yesterday, may have to get another on the way home from the dr!

Clothes: Maternity, end of story....I mean really, who wears "normal" clothes at this point?!!?

Labor signs: I've had a few pains that left me standing there wondering if something was about to happen but nothing for sure....yet!  I had a really bad pain in my southern parts in front of my hubby and bestie over the weekend, it was kinda funny [in retrospect] because it hurt so bad I couldn't help but let out a "OUUUUCH!!!!" they both just stopped and looked me, lol!  I was like "sorry, carry on." :)

Belly Button: Oh my gosh it's SO out, it actually does hurt, it's ready to retreat!

What I miss: A couple things but the remaining days of my pregnancy are so few that I can deal.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: WTF hormones, seriously chill!

Nesting: I'm over nesting, I do re-organize little guys room frequently.....LOL!

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 6.8 lbs and 19.5 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a FULL TERM 38 week old baby click HERE.

Full Term!!!

Weighty Issues: I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~9 months but because I'm swellling a lot and retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates over10lbs!). I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings. So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new to report here, belly is free and clear but the boobies are the opposite (and I think are going through another growth spirt so I've been rocking a huge sports bra daily!)

Sleep: Depends on the day, er night.  By the end of the day my feet are so swollen they feel like one giant bruise, they hurt enough to wake me from a dead sleep if one touches the other....It's getting increasingly difficult to get out of bed phsycially but other than that I'm trucking right a long.

Best Moment this week: I'm loving his wiggles more than ever today, they just feel extra special knowing how limited they are!

Food: Strawberries and Almonds!!

Clothes: Maternity, end of story...have I mentioned my clothes are starting to not fit and I'm totally unwilling ot buy more? Ek!

Labor signs: Only ZERO DAYS and I'll be full term so at this point I'm ok with when-ever little guy decides to make his apperance! Bring on the contractions!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)  I wonder if I'll ever want to wear my belly ring again?  I was so sad to take it out!

What I miss: Nothing at all.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week. Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently. :) I finished our registry last weekend with the help of my bestie and re-orgainized some things in little guy's room.  But as for real cleaning not so much.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 6 1/3 lbs and 19 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a FULL TERM 37 week old baby click HERE.

A big congrats to my dear friend J and her hubby G who welcomed baby Grady into the world yesterday!

Hard to believe

Hard to believe...seems like an understatement. 

With everything we've been through in the last almost two years, it's hard to believe tomorrow little guy will be full term.  Tomorrow, should he choose to come, he'd be perfectly fine, healthy, ok.  I'm pretty sure I didn't believe we'd make it to this day, with all the spotting, sickness and swelling I think there was a part of my brian that refused to accept as reality that he'd make it all the way here.  Now there is a room painted blue, lots of clothes and items to welcome him not to mention two parents who just can't wait to hold him (and countless family members both of blood and not).  I just can't wrap my head around it all!  I'm so ready for him to be here, and it feels good to say that knowning if he came he'd be ok.

Little guy, if you are listening I can't wait to meet you but I really think you should be a June baby so at least 8.5 more days ok? 

T-Minus Less Than 30 Days!

Weighty Issues: I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~9 months but because I'm swellling a lot and retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates around 10lbs!). I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings. So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new to report here, belly is free and clear but the boobies are the opposite (and I think are going through another growth spirt so I've been rocking a huge sports bra daily!)

Sleep: I haven't been sleeping well lately...such is life though.

Best Moment this week:  Every moment is amazing!

Food: I'm digging strawberries on my cereal each morning and Iced Tea....mmmmm!

Clothes: Maternity, end of story.

Labor signs: Only 6 DAYS and I'll be full term so at this point I'm ok with when-ever little guy decides to make his apperance!  Bring on the contractions!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)

What I miss: Nothing at all.  I can handle anything for the short period of time I have left with him.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week. Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently.  :)  I did spend some time on Sunday scrubbing my car only to have it rain the whole next day and a bird poop on it three times while I was at work....fail.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 6lbs and 18 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a 35 week old baby click HERE.

35 Days(ish) Days Remaining

Weighty Issues:  I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~8.5 months but because I'm retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates around 10lbs!)  I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings.  So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Belly is still pretty and stretch mark free, the boobies are zebra print now...I'm sorta afraid of what will happen to my boobies when my milk comes in....oh well.

Sleep: I'm randomly waking up during the middle of the night for a few hours.  I sleep better with the window open so that is a consistance occurance at our house (and it's only in the 40s at night here!)

Best Moment this week: I went to the dr and had a normal borning appt, everything was fine.  Such a relief.  And yesterday little guy was a wiggling fool, I was filled with joy just knowing he's safe and growing.

Food: I'm digging strawberries, oranges and apples (Gala specifically) and Ice Water.

Clothes: Maternity, end of story.  I'm super bored of the few items I have that are ok with the warming weather and my expanding size but unwilling to buy anything more.

Labor signs: Only 13 DAYS and I'll be full term BUT until at least then no-thank-you-please! I haven't had Braxton Hicks in months now either, yay!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)

What I miss: Nothing at all.  I love his kicks and punches, even when they hurt.  I'm ok with the heartburn and whatever else comes along, I can handle anything for the short period of time I have left with him.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week.  Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 5 1/4 and 18 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a 35 week old baby click HERE.

Rain, Rain....I'm ok if you stay.

It's been raining here, not everyday and the forecast says it will stop later in the week and *gasp* warm into the seventies.  But last night it rained all night, I couldn't sleep and when I did manage to fall asleep V would wake me (he talks in his sleep).  I had the window near our bed cracked, I just lay there listening to the gentle sound of the rain and feeling the cool air circulate in our room, I so enjoyed it.  If I had my way I'd sleep with our noise machine on rain every night but V can't sleep with it on, last night nature gave me the sounds although it didn't help me sleep it was glorious, .  As I lay there the little guy would give me a kick/punch or two, probably trying to get comfortable enough to sleep himself, I rather enjoyed it though.  My days carrying him are numbered and God himself only knows if V and I will have more children so I cherish each moment I share with my child inside me.  It wouldn't really bother me if it rained every night this week, even if I'm awake to hear it, rain rain I'm ok if you stay.

A Year Ago....

Wow, what a difference a year makes.

Last Mother’s Day was a horrible train-wreck of a holiday. I’m pretty sure I broke down no less than twice. The first break down was in church as our lead pastor announced his wife was pregnant with their seventh child and went on to talk about how he knows some struggle with infertility and that “God opens and closes the womb.” Cue Jen walking quickly and hopefully discretely to the bathroom to breakdown. Two hours later we are at a family lunch for mom-in-law (whom I love dearly) at a local restaurant when brother-in-law decides to inform V and I that “you really should give Dad[-in-law] what he really wants for father’s day and make him a grandpa.” I could no longer hold it all in, I whipped my head to look him directly in the eyes, speaking sharply “it’s not that easy for everyone, B!” to which he replied condescendingly “Oh Jen, yes it is.” I looked at him sternly and replied “no it’s not easy for everyone to just get knocked up!!!” And the table was hushed, I fumed in silence to myself; B has never even had a girl friend at nearly 25 years old, what does HE know about anything let alone infertility!!! V could tell I was at my breaking point and he quickly made our exit. As we approached our car in the parking lot I felt so broken, mom-in-law had rushed outside to hug me saying “we don’t care when you have kids or if you do, we love you!” And I blurted out as a I backed away from her, tearing up “we’ve been trying for a long time, I….we….I don’t think we can.” And I began sobbing. Although dad-in-law and grandma were clearing trying not to listen to our conversation I know they heard it all. Thankfully V grabbed me and hugged me and took me home.

I cannot explain the brokenness that was in my heart that day and the pain I felt for ruining mom-in-law’s mother’s day celebration. At home V promptly got me into my jammies and laid with me on the sofa just holding me, I’m sure he had no words but I didn’t need words, I needed his arms around me. In the coming weeks V and I would discuss openly with his parents our fertility issues and struggles and plans to peruse infertility testing and treatment. Thankfully they embraced us and loved on us during this incredibly challenging time. They listened, offered advice only when asked for it and most importantly the loved us and prayed for us. I could not have asked for a better reaction from them.

Today I can’t believe I’m pregnant and I am a mom on mother’s day. This little guy in me kicks away at me and I love every moment. I cannot wait for him to be here, crying in the middle of the night, with poopy diapers and all. This mother’s day I find myself crying again but it’s out of sheer joy for this miracle baby and all the love people have already poured out for him.

To all my friends out there waiting for your turn-you are always in my prayers, I know your turn will come I just wish I could tell you when.  I love you so much!

Funny Moment

I forgot to add this detail in last night's post.  It makes me laugh and fall in love with my husband all over again. 
So as I was checking into L&D yesterday I saw a free mom magazine, I snapped one up figuring we'd be there for a while.  I didn't realize I'd be essentially immobile (arms included in this) and unable to read it so V was skimming through, it didn't take him long to find something to read (which surprised me; he usually reads UFC magazines and Outdoors magazines, what could he have found interesting?).....an article about potty training!  LOL!  Here is my adorable husband, whom just a short while ago said "do you think little guy will come today? I'm not ready to be a dad TODAY!" and he's reading a potty training article, oh my love you are ready to be a dad!
I'm still chuckling over that one.  Little guy and I are so lucky, now if little guy can just bake for at least 2.5 more weeks!

Trip to Labor & Delivery #1

*"in real life" friends please keep the following confidential*

Wow, what a days it's been!  I woke up this morning not feeling well, my dr's words echoed in my head about calling him if I start getting head aches or just feel off.  I got ready and went to work and my head started to hurt more by this time I was feeling nauseated and cold but sweating.  Yep time to call, they had me come right in.  Oh boy, I called V "there is no pretty way to say this, I don't feel well so I called my dr and they want me to come in right away."  Thankfully V works only 3 blocks from me so I just picked him up on the way.  I could tell he was nervous but he did such a good job of being strong for me.  I love him so much but he usually takes cues from me, Jen freaks out=V freaks out but with all the crazy things we've been through during this pregnancy he really stepped up and has been my rock, I'm so thankful for that!

We arrive at Dr Wonderful's office about 10am, my blood pressure is up a little. Ut oh.  My weight isn't up but I'm apparently "hyper-reflexive" (which I only learned later can be a sign of swelling on the brain).  Since my head was still hurting he decided to send me to Labor and Delivery to have some tests run, namely: a Non-Stress Test, Blood tests and Urine Tests as well as continual Blood Pressure monitoring.

For more info on a Non-Stress test go HERE. I spent a good three hours hooked up every which way (it felt like).  I was to push a button every time little guy moved to see if his heart was accelerating the way it should which I did, meanwhile my blood pressure was being taken every 15 minutes.  We learned I was having mild contractions!  I had no idea!  (My nurse said this wasn't abnormal.)  We had a great nurse, Linda, who was pretty straight forward and funny!  Thank goodness for her!  After I'd say a half hour she came in and said "ok he is having accelerations but they aren't big enough for this town." Translation, he's not passing the test, gulp.  I was asked, er told, to chug some ice water.  During this time I had blood drawn and a little later I would have a second urine test.  I tried hard not to stare at the machine watching his heart rate change (and contractions occur, ek!)  At least it was a lovely spring day and we could see out side.  V and I talked and laughed, God I love that man he can truly make me laugh no matter what is going on!

After what felt like a lifetime (reality was it was about 3 hours) Linda came back in and said his heart rate changes were looking beautiful but my blood platelet numbers were lower than they'd like.  She had called Dr Wonderful and he would be over shortly.  (Thankfully his office is just across the parking lot).  Linda had also ordered me lunch, yay!  I won't lie I was so hungry by this time, I don't care if it is hospital food, I'll take it!  Soon Dr Wonderful arrived and said that not a whole lot made sense really.  My blood pressure is good, little guy's heart rate changes were good, but my platelet's are low and I'm hyper-reflexive with a continued headache and excessive swelling in my feet (my face is also rather swollen).  He gave me a laundry list of things to look for and asked me to head home and rest and to follow up with him next week (I already have an appt set for Tues).  I know I've said this a billion and one times but I really adore my Dr, I can tell he genuinely cares about my health and my baby's, this isn't just a job for him.  It's really refreshing especially considering he's been doing this about as long as I've been alive!

So there we are, my symptoms are mixed and honestly confusing.  But what matters is little guy is ok and still baking!  Only about 2.5 weeks and we'll be full term, until then I really hope he can just bake away!  If you have room for us in your thoughts and prayers that would mean so much to us.

Not Great News.....

*Please note if you are my "in real life" friend I have yet to share this information with virtually anyone other than V so please do not do anything silly like write something on my facebook wall etc, thanks*

So... I had my 34 week appointment yesterday, I thought it would be a routine appointment (weigh-in, blood pressure, pee in a cup, Doppler, questions and done).  Not so much.  My weight shot up, my dr came in and mentioned it (while looking at my chart) then took one look at my very swollen feet and became immediately concerned "that's where your weight is!"  Ut oh.  I had noticed my feet are swollen but I guess I didn't think it was that bad, wrong-o.  Essentially my dr is pretty worried I'm developing Preeclampsia (for more info on that go HERE.) I was given an internal exam told told about signs to look for and my appointments were moved up to weekly (that was orginally planned to happen in 3 weeks).  My dr made it very clear how concerned he is about my and little guy's health and safety, preeclampsia is no joke. 

I went home and tried to take nap until V came home, that was an epic failure, I just lay on the sofa trying to will him to come home faster.  Once home, I gave him a moment to sit down before explaining what is going on, what to look out for and the possible outcomes as I understand them.  V remained pretty calm and I'm so thankful for that because I'm scared, I really needed him to be my rock and he was, thank God for him!  The thought that I could wake up tomorrow more swollen and they would have to take our son by emergency c-section is terrifying thought to say the least.  I know that my dr would only do that if/when it's in the best interest of both baby and I but it's still scary.

So now I guess we play a waiting game.  Wait to see what each day brings. I've decided to cut a lot of things out of my schedule and to just go home after work and try to relax each day.  *I'm not on bed rest but my dr did ask me to take it easy*  I know I have no control over this, I can't cause it or stop it but I can't help but feel like if I go home and rest each day that the little guy is benefiting from it.

There are a few loose ends V and I are going to have to tie up.  We still have a few items we haven't picked up for little guy yet that we are going to have to get just in case.  It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that he could be here any day now, literally.  I don't want my baby to come pre-term but if it's what is best for him then so be it.  This is all in God's hands and there is no better place for it. 

Poor Marshmallow Man, I can relate (a little).

All Day Birthing Class

I'm not sure what exactly I was thinking when I choose a all-in-one-day Birthing Class over the normal four weeks of one 2-hour class/week but alas we survived and I'm here to tell you about it.

At first I was on the fence if I wanted to take one of these classes although I'm not sure why, now I'm so glad we did!

Bright and early a few Saturdays ago V and I headed off to class with two pillows in hand.  Where we live there is one (count that: ONE) hospital to deliver your baby, the other hospital doesn't do births and there is no certified birthing center here...so not a lot of options when it comes to "where will you deliver your baby". 

We arrived to a big room full of women with full round bellies and husbands who were unsure of what to expect, I would say at least 15 couples all of whom where having their first child (all single baby pregnancies and only one couple didn't know baby's gender).  I'll save you the minute-by-minute/play-by-play and say that I loved the class, as did V.  It was sweet to see V so excited, taking a few notes and being wide-eyed during some of the videos (and yes grossed out at others). 

We learned the entire spectrum of pain management options, from "comfort techniques" to the full on epidural.  We learned about different types of births from natural, un-medicated, medicated to c-section which I'm glad about!  The last thing I want to is end up having to have a c-section and being uneducated on what the entails.  We also learned and practiced different positions to push in, a room full of women laying on the floor (some with legs in the air) it was quite the sight to see!  This was super informative to me, I thought our hospital would be old-school and rigid about "lay on your back and push" but it's not!  Yay!  It was interesting to see what was comfortable for my body!  I loved how involved V was, happily practicing the massage and other comfort techniques.  At one point we (the women) were handed a bad of ice and asked to practice what comfort techniques seemed best to us for 30 seconds (by the end of that 30 seconds the ice HURT!) then we did it again with the help of the men (using massage, encouraging words etc) unknowingly for 90 seconds, to most of our surprise the 90 seconds left shorter and the pain of the cold nice in our hands not so bad!! Neat! 

There was a lot of discussion and three videos and I enjoyed it all, as did V.  At the very end we got to tour the maternity ward, I got all sappy and teary-eyed knowing this would be the place our child comes into the world shortly. (As I get teary now).  It was very comforting to get to know the rooms, the options and see some of the staff.  I even noticed my Dr was on call that day which is silly but it made me happy.

I bet you're wondering if I have a "birthing plan" like so many do these days.  The short answer is no.  I've never been in labor, I have no idea what it will be like or what I can/can't handle so I don't feel like planning that is realistic.  Do I have preferences?  You bet your sweet toushie! V and I have discussed my preferances at length and I'll write the most important ones down (and yes bring them to the hospital).  The best I can do is be open-minded and have goals, my ultimate goal being to avoid a c-section unless absolutley medically necessage.  But in the end the most important thing is that baby boy and I are healthy and safe, period.

Next up, breastfeeding class.  Like my birth-plan (or lack thereof) I hope to be able to breastfeed little guy.  I'll do my best and hope for the best and thus want to take a class in hopes of increasing my odds but if it doesn't work out that is ok too.  I think society and women put way too much pressure on ourselves when it comes to birth and breastfeeding etc.  All we can do is try and I'll do my best.

7x7 days remain!

Weighty Issues:  At my last appt I'd put on another 5lbs for a total of 30 gained, whoops should have been more like 2, oh well!  If I manage to stay on the one lb/week plan I'll be a total of 37lbs gained, still well within the standards for healthy and normal.

Stretch Marks: Belly is still doing good, I'm still putting on lotion on the days I remember.  The boobes....will never be the same, and that's ok.

Sleep: Yes please!  I seriously long for Saturday mornings so I can wake up at will.  I forsee us missing more church in the coming weeks as my body stores up extra hours of sleep before little guy comes!

Best Moment this week: Little guy has been having his own dance parties lately, I love them!  Oh and we did our birthing class (more on that later), I so loved watching V learning, taking notes and talking with the other dads :)

Food: I'm a big fan of food!  I'm trying to remain on the healthy track but I let myself induldge too.  Right at this moment I really want a big salad (so that is on the agenda for dinner, with pizza per V's request).  I'm also so in love with fruit, again!

Clothes: Maternity full time, I'd have to be off my rocker to even try on pre-pregnancy clothes at this point!  I will admit I have a few non-maternity shirts in bigger sizes I wear and I can still wear pre-preg gym shorts but that is the extent of non-maternity clothes and those are just for hanging around the house and sleeping :)

Labor signs: Only four more weeks and I'll be full term BUT until at least then no-thank-you-please!  I haven't had Braxton Hicks in months now either, yay!

Belly Button: Is still out.  I've noticed if I lay on my back (which I don't do much of these days) it will go back in.  I've also put a stop to people pushing on it, whew! Sweet relief from that!

What I miss: Ok, I really don't miss anything enough to change the situation BUT going #2 has been more difficult than ever, I really miss being "regular"!  Oh the things you take for granted in pre-pregnancy life! :)

What I’m looking forward too: I'm longing for that feeling of "ok we are ready" if such a creature exists!  My next shower is in about 1.5 weeks, I'm really looking forward to having that over so I can buy the things I'll still need and feel organized.  (Does that sound weird?)

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: TMI warning! WTF Hemmriods, yes you heard that right, OUCH! No fun at all! Apparently no matter how diligent you are at trying to avoid them sometimes you are just going to get them! Boooo!

Nesting: I'm waiting on shower #2 to completely go to town nesting wise....I'm in nesting limbo! LOL!

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight!  He is about 4lbs and 17 inches according to my book! At this point, heaven forbid, if he came early he'd be just fine probably only needing minimal time in NICU.  (Which of course we don't want but ti feels goo to know he'd be ok.)

For more on the development of a 33 week old baby click HERE.