Weekend Adventures

It's Sunday morning, Liam is napping and V is watching the Olympics.  This weekend has been amazing!  I mean no one doesn't love weekends but sometimes they are full of chores and obligations.  As I type this I realize there is no chance of us making it to church, again.  But ya know what?  God knows the content of our hearts and I'm not waking my baby to race out the door, not today.

Friday morning G'ma picked up Liam and brought him up to the lake where most of the family had been for a good week.  I was a bit hesitant at first because they wanted him to spend the night at the campsite but a chance for a date night after work and a little extra sleep on Saturday morning made the decision for me.  We are very blessed to be surrounded by V's family, they love all of us but especially Liam and can't get enough time with him.  I have been extra run down lately so letting Liam enjoy extra time with the family while I got extra sleep seemed like a win-win.  And it was!

V usually let's me choose where we eat so that night I let him decide, he chose a local place, it was pretty good.  I was just happy to have some time with my hubby!   We had a nice time then decided to check out a new game place that had just opened.  They have go-carts, games, lasertag and more but I can't remember it all, lol!  We played some games, laughed a ton and gave our tickets to a little boy who thought he won the lottery.  It was a wonderful time!  We got home just in time to watch some of the Olympic  Games opening  ceremony celebration.

A pic I took of the view on the trail. I love this place!

Sunday morning we got up, got ready and grabbed burritos from the healthy food store here and hit the open road (with V's sister in tow, oy).  After a mere hour and half we arrived to my happy little boy beaming with joy! I hadn't been to this lake a years and forgot how beautiful it is.  Liam needed a nap so the guys (plus V's sister) went fishing while MIL and I hung out.  Everyone got back just before Liam woke up, we all ate quickly and headed off on a hike to the waterfalls in the area.  I wore Liam in  his framed pack, boy is he getting heavy!  I was hoping to use this pack next summer but I think it's only going to make it though this one! Ek!  I'm proud to say I was able to pack him both in and out!  Go me for getting some cross training in! ;)  Liam did great, he loves hiking and being outdoors!  He even napped on the way out.

After we got back to the campsite we all snacked and hung out while for a while before Liam needed another nap (he was pooped!).  I waded into the lake, oh how I regret not bring my swimsuit!  The evening went by quickly and before we knew it the time to head home had come.  We packed up Liam and all our stuff (MIL had brought quite a bit up for him) and headed back home for showers and bed time.

Today I'm tan, sore and so content!  This is how all weekends should be!  I hope each of you had a great weekend as well!

Much Love,
Jen

32ish Hours Until My FIRST Half Marathon

If I said I felt completely ready I'd be lying.  My little family unit of 3 spent the last week at the family cabin which means I've done almost no running.  The final week before a half or full marathon you aren't supposed to train hard but I would feel better if I'd gotten at least one or two runs in, but it just wasn't in the cards.

With that said, I'm as ready as I can be.  Tomorrow I'll pick up my registration info, maybe go on a sort hike for some last minute cross training (or maybe a walk), I'll have a big pasta dinner along with the powerade I've been chugging.  I have comfortable and work-out appropriate clothing and shoes...all the equipment I need.  I've worked hard for months, it's not about my time, it's just about finishing.

V is being supportive as he has been this whole time.  He, Liam, my in-laws, and bestie are planning to meet me at the end of my race.  It's funny because I imagine most people spend a lot of energy thinking about the moment they cross the finish line....I haven't.  I'm certain I'll cry because that is just who I am but other than that I haven't really thought much about, I sorta just look at this as another run (reality will surely set in when I see the thousands of people waiting to start the race too).  I am blessed to live in a beautiful city, I can't wait to do this run and as I've mentioned before I'm pretty excited to have it done too. :)

I'll surely post a few pics and the results after I have recovered!
Much Love,
Jen

Celebrating My One Year Old

This Saturday friends and family will gather and celebrate my little boy's first birthday.  Little boy, not really a baby any more.  He's waving like mad and side-steps around furniture, walking is on the horizon! 

My bestie is making mounds of sweets, I've got almost all the decor ready now as long as the weather plays nice we should have a fun little time.  I've planned a few games that the kids can play if they'd like, the adults can just mingle and hang out.  (V's family is so big that we invited 60 people almost all of which are solely family). 

I'm excited to celebrate him with those who love him! 

Desiring Disconnection

I am no relationship expert.  Shocking? Nope.  I've been on my own since I was 16 years old, my "childhood"  was dysfunctional at best.  Sometimes managing relationships is exhausting to me.  Not all the time and not all relationships, my favorites are the one that just seem to work (like my bestie, E.)

I find the most challenging to be those of "family", specifically V's family.  I have no personal experience to compare them to and while I love them dearly they can be utterly exhausting.  Sometimes I just want to disconnect from it.  I just want a break, I don't want to have to work so hard to manage these relationships.  No I'm not going to throw my hands and walk off into the sunset with V and Liam (although sometimes I do daydream of it).  I just find it so challenging sometimes, I mean I have my mother-in-law on my facebook, cell phone, work and personal email.  There is no breathing room!  Oh yeah did I ever mention that V's family owns our home! (we rent from them) Essentially everyone has a key to our house, they are good about not just coming over (that wasn't always the case).  I just feel like they are a little too interlaced in every aspect of my being.  I need room people!

Am I just being hormonal, am I the only one that goes through this? Is it just me?  (someone say no!)

Much Love-
Jen

Torn Between Nana & G'ma pt 2

You may recall that I recently wrote about being torn between Nana (who watches Liam 4x/week) and G'ma wanting to retire and watch Liam full time.  Essentially I wanted Liam to stay with Nanna and V wanted the opposite.....

V and I finally found time to sit down and have a long and thoughtful discussion on the topic.  Parenting isn't always easy, for me a vast majority of it comes naturally but some discussions seem like mountains, this was one of them....and as usual V and I had differing opinions.  I pride myself on being able to see both sides of most things most of the time, V is a little more black and white.  My train of thought was; while Liam would benefit from the extended amount of time with G'ma & family ultimately he would benefit more from staying with Nanna at least 3 days/week.  It important for G'ma to stay G'ma and not become our employee, I want her to enjoy and look forward to her time with Liam and additionally if she is able to work from home it will not be realistic to get work done and watch a toddler.  Nanna is family to me, not only does Liam love her and the two girls Nanna watches but at this point he's going to be an only child and it's important for him to have the exposure to other children.  I was a bit amazed when V agreed.  We decided on: Nanna watching Liam 3 days per week and G'ma could watch him 2 day/week, those days must be consecutive because we believe it's important for Liam to have consistency.  Right now G'ma hasn't made a firm decision on when she will retire so we are just going to leave things where they are and when her decision is made we'll advise her of ours.  Whew, one more decision down now only like 4 million more to go! :)

Much Love,
Jen

Torn between Nanna & G'ma

I'm in a bit of a pickle with our childcare situation.....

"Nanna" is a family friend we pay to watch Liam, she has had him 4 days a week since he was 7 weeks old.  She is amazing, she has done everything we've asked of her without batting an eye, she loves Liam and Liam loves her (and the two little girls Nanna watches).  She is reasonably priced, her home is safe and I trust her.

But ever since Liam was born his G'ma (V's Mom) has wanted to quit her job and watch Liam full time.  It seemed like a pipe dream until very recently.  Basically G'ma wants to retire and watch Liam full time (she currently only watches him on Fridays because she's off).  BUT G'ma and G'pa can't afford for her to not work just yet so she wants V and I to pay her to watch Liam.  It's not a matter of money, I will gladly pay for childcare...

There are pros and cons to each.  I am deeply concerned that her time with Liam will become work and she will not enjoy being a G'ma like she has.  I know that Liam will benefit from having a deeper relationship with G'ma and G'pa (as well as Great G'ma who lives with G'ma & G'pa)....but I want Liam to be around other children too.  I expect my rules to be followed, Liam is my child...I am his parent, I know what is best for him.  G'ma has already broken two rules that hurt me deeply, the hurt wasn't intentional and has been addressed..... I just worry about loosing Nanna as Liam's primary care provider then being unhappy with G'ma.  As far as Liam being around other children, G'ma has mentioned taking him to play dates etc which actually really bothers me, I'm his mom! I want to do the fun things, Nanna doesn't take Liam on play dates....  G'ma also mentioned perhaps she could watch Liam 2-4 days a week and Nanna could do the rest, personally this is a No.  I don't want Liam bouncing all over the place to accommodate G'ma's lifestyle.  I am a firm beleiver that children need consistency and thrive when they have structure.

Perhaps your thinking "Well then just keep Nanna as Liam's childcare provider."  To be honest I wish I could, I wish it were that easy.  I know the income helps Nanna and she has become like family to me.  I know she doesn't want to watch the kiddos forever but at least for the next two years I know she is committed to us and the other kiddo's parents.  It's no big surprise that V and I don't see eye-to-eye on this, he wants his mom to watch Liam and I would prefer to stay with Nanna.  I don't want to hurt my mother-in-law's feelings, I love her but I don't want her to raise my child.


Oy.  Anyone out there have any advice?

I can relate.

Because I'm the Mom

No I'm not already saying that to Liam, unfortunately it looks like I'll have to say it to his aunt K early and often.  Aunt K is 25 but acts more along the lines of teenager to pre-teen (no joke).  She has never held a real job, hasn't continued her education and only lives away from her parent's home for a few months at a time before returning, she has no adult responsibilities what-so-ever.  Last weekend she moved back, again.

K is a nice enough girl but seriously immature.  She lacks drive and desire to act like an adult and in all honesty her parents don't seem to expect her to either.  I in no way think they should shun her or any business like that but I do think they need to stop enabling her (and her 27 year old brother who also lives in his parent's home and works sporadically at best).

As I mentioned K moved back on Saturday, she wanted to come over that day and see Liam...I said no.  Our weekends are A.) Busy but B.) Ours, and our time as a family is sacred (or should be).  And while I understand she wants to see Liam it doesn't have to be within hours of her arriving in town (I told her she was welcome over the next day and she never so much as texted us).   Today is Wednesday and she has texted and called me 11 times, yes Eleven.  Great...just what I wanted to deal with in the middle of my work day.  I finally had to tell her that no she could not pick Liam up from Nanna's and that no tomorrow would not be good either (V and I have agreed she will not be allowed to drive with Liam in her car, she isn't responsible enough) and really one day is not enough notice to give Nanna about not having Liam.  Watching Liam (and the two other children she has) is her business and while it's run out of her home I still do my best to treat it all professionally, K does not understand, nay K does not care.  I'm certain she has called no fewer than four people to complain.  It's not like I'm blocking her from seeing Liam all together, she will see Liam on Friday when her mom watches him and I told her Monday would be fine.  What she doesn't yet get is that she can watch Liam but on our terms and our terms only.

I have a feeling it's going to be exhausting having K back in the same town as us, at least for a while.  And if I have to pull out the "because I'm his Mom thats why" I will.  Thankfully V is on the same page as me (he tends to give into her a lot because she is the only girl and the baby of the family, so annoying).  I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a pushy b-och and ya know what that is fine, I expect a lot of her and make her play by life's rules, someone has to teach her these lessons and I suppose it's going to be me.

I'm gonna need this shirt.

B!tchfest Sept 2011 Edition

It's really too bad that yesterday I wrote about choosing my attitude because today I'm pissy and I need to vent desperately!

I know a lot of people would kill for a better relationship with their in-laws but mine are driving me f'n nuts!  I'm seriously about two minutes from being committed!  I get that Liam is the first grandchild, and yes we ALL waited a very long time for him and yes we all love him BUT my mother-in-law is over-kill!

Would you care for a few examples?  Yes?

1. She is constantly asking to have him more often, keep him longer and complaining about not watching him 5 days/week.  For one thing she is the one that talked about retiring to watch him and decided it wasn't for the best....and ya know what?  I am so happy about the way things worked out!  We LOVE "Nanna" who watches Liam 4 days/week!  She is loving and follows our wishes to the T.  I never have to worry about where Liam is, if he's ate or taken a nap [laying down] etc.
2. She repeats sh!t seven times!  I'm going to start finishing her sentence to prove a point, I GET IT!  (just a heads up, she's only ~50 so it's not like she's loosing it or something)
3. She immediately changes Liam's clothes every.single.time I drop him off and puts him in something she "found" (garage sale, hand-me-down etc).  Uh...I spent good money on the clothes we like and that fit him and I send TWO clean outfits to your house!
4. She hints around at things instead of flat out asking (as does sister in law).  For example: Sister in law is coming home for her birthday (#27, she acts 12) next week.  She has mentioned she wants to "watch Liam at least one day while Jen is at work".  Hell to the no Ms Immaturity.  MIL has started hinting about SIL coming home etc.  [I nipped this one in the bud, she is NOT watching Liam unsupervised, N-O...NO!]
5. Yesterday she was on facebook when she had him, now I realize he naps etc and she doesn't need to stare at him 24/7 BUT she was on at least 4 times! WTF!  (I checked my facebook on my ipod at work).
6. I feel like I'm being suffocated by her.  Everyday it's a text/facebook message/call/they show up.  I can not do another 3 months of constant communication give-me-SPACE.  I need a day off from you!
7. V specifically told her "we do not want Liam outside in the (forest fire) smoke." [there have been health warnings and I have asthma so we just didn't want to risk it.  She did it anyway.  "Oh, I took Liam outside, he loves it so....oh it was only 30 seconds!"  I don't give a damn, NO MEANS NO!

I know what you are thinking "talk to her".  And I have, it feels like over and over.  I think tomorrow I'm taking her to lunch and telling her "these things are deal breakers, if you can't abide by my and V's wishes then Nanna will start watching Liam full time and you can see him on the weekends while V and I are around."  It feels drastic but I'm so sick of it all.

If you made it this far you deserve a cookie, go get one!


P.S. In searching Google for "angry cartoon faces this is what I came up with....yes the silly kitten at the end was in there...too funny!  I most closely relate to the second guy :)

I'm pretty sick of the village...

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I agree.  However there are times, especially as a new parent that you just want to wing it and figure it out on your own.  I'm pretty sick of my village, especially the women.

Maybe I'm just crabby because I'm at the tail-end of a nasty head cold and the forest fire smoke is killing me slowly.  But this week Liam had his two month shots (yes we vaccinate on the normal schedule).  I took a half day to take care of Liam not knowing how he would react.  In true Liam form he was just fine, he fussed afterward but for the most part was almost immediately back to his normal self.  V called to check on us after the appointment (before he was off work), since Liam was ok he wanted to go to dinner.  I was torn, already exhausted I wanted to go home but we hadn't had a date in weeks.  V's parents (who had already had Liam all day) wanted to spend more time with him, ultimately I gave in.  I'm glad I did, we had a great time, we ate at a chain restaurant in the mall and wondered the mall after for a little bit just being silly and enjoying the time together, after two short hours we were on our way back to our baby.  When we got to G'ma & G'pa's house I could hear Liam crying, it was his "I'm hungry and grumpy cry" go figure G'ma and G'pa hadn't given him his naps all day. UGH!

I scooped Liam up and went up stairs to feed him....two minutes later as my boob lay out in comes G'ma....ugh.  Fine whatever.  Two more minutes pass and G'ma's mom comes in....WHAT!!!  I really should have said something, I mean can't I get a little privacy!??!  My boob is out, my tank pulled up exposing a belly I'm not fond of (to say the least) and I'm trying to feed a baby that is cranky because of you people!  I'm so sick of people wanting to hang out while I breastfeed!  Ok not people but V's family.  Yes this is my fault for not speaking up but you can bet next time I'm locking that darn door! 

I know it takes a village and I'm so thankful to have them but sometimes a Momma just needs to do her own thing.  I need a break from the village, unfortunately I don't see that in the immediate future.

I like my life...

I was uncertain about how I'd feel returning to work in the long term.  The immediate future said I had to return; we have to have insurance and need my income.  But long term questions plagued me; would I regret it, would I hate it and dread every morning? Would it create chaos in our lives, would everyone be unhappy and stressed?  Would I resent not being at home with my baby? Would I soon realize it was a horrible mistake?

I think I've found my answer, and the answer is "no".  I have found myself in a place of contentment.  A place I'm not sure I've ever been before.  Sure life is [much] busier and my relationships (including my marriage) are adjusting to new roles, duties and expectations (and some are being a bit neglected).  And is it perfect, probably not.  But ya know what?  It works, and right now it works really well.  I've been blessed to not experience any postpartum depression nor baby blues, over all I'm really happy in my new role with my new life and all the requirements that come with it.

I've always been an organized person, now more than ever I need that skill.  And there are still times I look down and think to myself "shit, I forgot that!" but it's never been anything life shattering, and so far I've managed to not forget Liam anywhere! Go me!  (Joking people! I would never forget Liam somewhere!)  Each night I prepare all the million things I need for the next day for myself and Liam.  Each morning I get up earlier than everyone else to get myself ready and make certain I have all the things for Liam and I.  I've delegated chores and tasks to V to lighten my load such as the last feeding of the night (momma needs more some sleep!) as well as the first diaper change and getting Liam dressed in the morning.  V is also doing a Lion's share of the household chores (we do these when Liam is asleep, spending time with him is the priority). 

Along with being crazy organized I've come to really cherish A (or "Nanna" as we are calling her now).  I know when Liam is with her that she keeps my "rules" and follows our wishes, I know he's on his schedule (we did not implement this, he just has a very nice natural schedule.)  I know exactly who is around him at all times.  Fridays are a bit harder with G'ma and G'pa watching Liam, they tend to take liberties (taking him out when he should be napping, holding him while he naps when I want him to nap laying flat, etc) that are frustrating and being put to an ending rapidly.  But I know Liam's not at a center where he's just another baby.  I know that whether he's with Nanna or G'ma/G'pa he's deeply loved and cared for, that all his needs are meet and he's safe.  I know he's fed (breast milk), has a clean diaper, and is enjoying being loved on and played with.  All this makes being at work so much easier.

So sometimes I'm running late (well...usually I'm running late now) and my house isn't nearly as clean as I would like and I'm certainly not sleeping in on the weekends....but ya know what I like my life.  I'm so thankful for this place of contentment.  I know I won't always feel this way, I'll be stressed and want better/more/something different even for a fleeting moment.  But right now, this place feels so wonderful I'm going to cherish it.

A Year Ago....

Wow, what a difference a year makes.

Last Mother’s Day was a horrible train-wreck of a holiday. I’m pretty sure I broke down no less than twice. The first break down was in church as our lead pastor announced his wife was pregnant with their seventh child and went on to talk about how he knows some struggle with infertility and that “God opens and closes the womb.” Cue Jen walking quickly and hopefully discretely to the bathroom to breakdown. Two hours later we are at a family lunch for mom-in-law (whom I love dearly) at a local restaurant when brother-in-law decides to inform V and I that “you really should give Dad[-in-law] what he really wants for father’s day and make him a grandpa.” I could no longer hold it all in, I whipped my head to look him directly in the eyes, speaking sharply “it’s not that easy for everyone, B!” to which he replied condescendingly “Oh Jen, yes it is.” I looked at him sternly and replied “no it’s not easy for everyone to just get knocked up!!!” And the table was hushed, I fumed in silence to myself; B has never even had a girl friend at nearly 25 years old, what does HE know about anything let alone infertility!!! V could tell I was at my breaking point and he quickly made our exit. As we approached our car in the parking lot I felt so broken, mom-in-law had rushed outside to hug me saying “we don’t care when you have kids or if you do, we love you!” And I blurted out as a I backed away from her, tearing up “we’ve been trying for a long time, I….we….I don’t think we can.” And I began sobbing. Although dad-in-law and grandma were clearing trying not to listen to our conversation I know they heard it all. Thankfully V grabbed me and hugged me and took me home.

I cannot explain the brokenness that was in my heart that day and the pain I felt for ruining mom-in-law’s mother’s day celebration. At home V promptly got me into my jammies and laid with me on the sofa just holding me, I’m sure he had no words but I didn’t need words, I needed his arms around me. In the coming weeks V and I would discuss openly with his parents our fertility issues and struggles and plans to peruse infertility testing and treatment. Thankfully they embraced us and loved on us during this incredibly challenging time. They listened, offered advice only when asked for it and most importantly the loved us and prayed for us. I could not have asked for a better reaction from them.

Today I can’t believe I’m pregnant and I am a mom on mother’s day. This little guy in me kicks away at me and I love every moment. I cannot wait for him to be here, crying in the middle of the night, with poopy diapers and all. This mother’s day I find myself crying again but it’s out of sheer joy for this miracle baby and all the love people have already poured out for him.

To all my friends out there waiting for your turn-you are always in my prayers, I know your turn will come I just wish I could tell you when.  I love you so much!

Good Choices

Back when V and I started dating I made it very clear that in one year (when I finished putting myself through college) I had a one way ticket out of the town we lived in.  I wanted to live somewhere I could make good use of my education.  He understood and told me he'd go where-ever I went.  We dated for about two years before getting engaged and now we've been married almost three years.  Five years later we never did leave.

It's not like we didn't discuss it, in fact we still discuss moving.  You see I have no relationship with my parents, or really anyone in my family, but that is a story for another day.  So we only have V's family, which I've mentioned before is rather large in quantity and so loving.  Before we got married it occurred to me if he left this town for me it would be unavoidable that our someday children would be raised far from their only extended family.  I just wasn't comfortable with that so we made the choice, and have made the choice over and over again to stay here.  I likely won't have my dream career here, the cost of housing is re-donkulous and I still daydream of moving away BUT family is here....our family.

This has only become more and more special over the last year like when I really needed mom-in-laws support as we approached fertility testing and treatment.  Or when we feared our miracle pregnancy was going to be ectopic and unviable.  And now more than ever it's so special that we have them so close, just this morning bro-in-law drove into town in below freezing temps just to help us with getting a few heavy items out of the spare room in prep for the babe. (Bro-in-law lives with mom and dad-in-law about 25 miles out of town).  To him it was nothing special, he was helping family and his niece or nephew to be, he wouldn't have it any other way.

It's safe to say we've made a good and the right choice in staying here, our child will be raised among a large and loving family.  Just warms my heart!

Opening Up

If there is one thing you should know about me, it's that once I start thinking and talking about doing something I am pretty close to acting on it.

So on Sunday morning I decided to ask V's dad about how to have the elders of our church pray for us without giving them all the details of our trying-to-make-a-baby-journey, since he is one of the elders I figured this was the most logical route. Before the sermon started he offered me a few options that were fine but intimidating, then after the sermon he said "if it would be easier you can tell me what to say and I'll talk to them for you, that way you don't have to field questions." This was great, I was holding it together pretty well emotionally, then I said "this sucks" and started to cry, I looked over and V's dad was crying too. It broke my heart to see how sad this whole thing makes him and V's mom. We hugged but I needed out of there before we had a million questions. V and I escaped to the car where I promptly lost it. My heart broke. Soon we arrived home and just hugged it out. Poor V didn't know what to do, he's a man's man and wants to fix things so this whole thing is hard on him. I was instructed to change into jammies while he made me lunch.

A few hours later I got a call from a high school friend I'm still in touch with, she recently "accidentally" got pregnant after admitting to me she was "baby-crazy", the cherry on top? She doesn't know who the dad is, only has "a fairly good idea". Great. I decided to answer her call anyway. Apparently her supposed baby-daddy is being a jerk. She knows a tiny bit about what we are going though, we both cried at our situations. Turns out we could both use each others support.

That evening I was scheduled to be the lead infant teacher, I was both excited and nervous but felt obligated to go so I went. I arrived a little extra early so I could listen to worship for a little bit. Before I had left for church I did a facebook status about being sad and making cake to remedy my sadness. Well I start walking back to the kids area and my friend/pastor stops me to ask about my cake....ut oh....this was code for "whats going on?" I tried to shrug it off so he directly asked me how I was and how he could pray for me. This is not a friend I am capable of telling a white lie too, I respect him too much. So I let the cat out of the bag, he gave me a big hug, I wiped away my tears and confessed I was about to be late to spend time with the babies. It means so much to me to know he'll be praying for us. I got to the children's ministry area and we only had two babies (less than 13 mos) for the night! Perfect! One little one was sleepy and grumpy and just wanted me to hold him, I gladly obliged. He was so sweet, I loved every moment of holding him, I'm shocked it didn't sting a little after the fact, but it ended up being a wonderful and lifted my spirit so!

V and I have talked and decided to slowly let the cat out of the bag with other close friends. We won't always tell everyone and will only tell them simple truths (not so much details). We just feel we need the support and others will benefit from it too. This won't be a easy journey but there's no changing it so we choose to embrace it.

People's Tack Less Remarks

V. has some extended family staying at the in-law's house, as best I can figure it's his aunt, her two grandchildren, a great aunt and uncle, and another aunt and uncle, grandparents and a couple I can't place within the family. In all fairness V's family is HUGE, seriously, just when I get a good grip on who is who more of them pop out of the woodwork.

I was dreading having to meet these new people, it always happens "how long have you been married? And no children yet?!?!" I didn't tell V though, he deserves to see these people, I will never stop him from seeing them, so we headed out for dinner at mom and dad in law's last night, sister-in-law is in town oh joy, sarcasm intended. She and I do not get a long, she's immature and self centered but that is a story for another time.

At some point during dinner I saw dad-in-law admiring his sister's grand-children, I could literally see the longing on his face for grand-children, not an easy thing to see, I'm sure he didn't mean to show it on his face but I saw it and it was difficult for me. Anyway I am getting to know V's aunt, she seems stuck up...commenting on someone who was recently saved wearing their cowboy hat to church and should have known better, all I could think was "Really, shouldn't you be happy this person just accepted Jesus and not care about a stupid hat!?" Shortly after dinner, I was left with all the women and the men went out on the front porch to discuss hunting and whatever else men talk about while their wives are away from earshot. V was playing with the kids, a little boy about 3 or 4 and a little girl no older than 6. His face was all lite up, you could hear him and the kids giggling through the open windows. And it happened, "So how long have you been married?" me: Sigh. "And don't most of your friends have children?" me: Sigh. I'm not sure how the question was posed but someone asked something like "When are you going to give V children?" I used my canned response of "ask Jesus." I like that response, it will shut most people up but it's not overly rude, it's just enough to say "none of your business". The woman I can't place in the family sat next to me and quietly said "You know, it took us seven years. We were filling out adoption papers when we got pregnant for the first time." I made sure to not say "Really?!?!" but instead choose "yeah, it just doesn't happen quickly for everyone but it always happens in God's time." She smiled with understanding. Mom-in-law tried to move the conversation away from the topic but it always returns there, in a joking and teasing and often painful way. I wish they knew if I could have a baby in my belly today, if I could have one in my arms right now I would but it's beyond my control. All I can do is remain hopeful and rely on God, it's all up to him....and not me.

I wish people would be more considerate when they question why couple's don't have children, and really I wish no one would ever question a couple about having children. I mean really? Why would you ask anyway, even if they don't want children, it's none of your business. People can be so tack less and their words so painful.

Family Reunion Get-a-way 2010

Have I ever told you how much I love V's family? If not consider yourself told! The are a-maz-ing people and I am beyond blessed to be a part of them!

This passed weekend was V's mom's side of the family bi-annual reunion. V's grandma is one of 13 children, all of whom are still alive (the eldest is 85 I believe). Collectively they are the sweetest, kindest people on the planet! We were so excited that this time the Reunion was a mere 3 hours from us on a beautiful lake we adore. V. and I took Friday off, Mom-in-law and I got pedicures in the morning (hers are the purple with tiger stripes!) and mid-afternoon we caravaned up to the lake.

It was a beautiful drive and luckily the roads were not too crowded!

We arrived early, got all checked in and unloaded our things into our shared cabin (with mom & dad -in-law). Unfortunately V and I had to sleep on *gasp* separate bunks! It would not have been so bad but the beds were SO squeaky, no loving all weekend :( Good thing the weather and scenery were amazing or it could have been a looong weekend for me! V and his dad unloaded his fishing boat, that thing was such a hit! V had a blast taking different cousins, uncles and such out! Dad-in-law even caught a fish the first night! (a 5lb 24 incher, if you care). Unfortunately that was the only fish they caught all weekend! LOL! Here is a pic from the porche of our cabin, the guys are coming back in from one of many fishing trips.

So it was a beautiful weekend, lots of just hanging out and enjoying the family. I was on cloud nine for most of the time as there was only one toddler and no one had mentioned a thing about babies. Until the black sheep of the family (literally) cornered me and verbally slapped me for "not giving your wonderful in-laws the grand baby they deserve!" I couldn't even look at her, what did she expect to happen? Was I going to suddenly have some revelation about having children right there? Luckily V saw this happening and saved me, essentially telling her it was none of her business! I felt so weak, I had no defense, no way to respond. What could I say to her? I couldn't tell her off as if she were some stranger, though I hardly know her, I will likely see her frequently over the course of the rest of my (and my future children's lives). I was caught completely off guard and it still makes me cry just thinking about it. The worst part is a random husband of someone in the family over heard it, you could tell he had no idea what to say but could tell I was deeply hurt. By the way that lady is a mess, and I greatly dislike her now, she thinks she is the cats meow because she has a 3 mo grand-daughter....really lady? Your not-even 18 year old daughter gets knocked up by her second cousin and gets married and suddenly you are the knower of all things *angry obscenity*

Back to more pleasant things, I so enjoyed playing random games with random family members, sitting around chatting and such. This is the kind of thing I've longed for since I was a child and I know have it more than my heart can contain. I especially love V's great uncle HH. He is almost the eldest and I believe almost or at 85. We've always had a special bond. I particularly enjoyed hang out with him, he recently had surgery and while he's recovering well he hasn't been at the in town family gatherings. Other than that a fair amount of my time was spent just sitting by the lake shore enjoying God's beauty and reading my book. I recently got "Eat, Pray, Love" and I really like it. I love biographies, I love true stories! I like hearing the way other people see things or experience things (like 9/11). I'm fascinated by it. I've read some fiction and don't mind it in moderation but I just find biographies more interesting.

The weekend as a whole went by for too quickly, before we knew it we were packing up our things and looking forward to next time while we passed the time on the drive home. I so hope next time we will have a child to bring with us, not to show up the black sheep lady but because that is what my heart so desires. I would have loved every moment of waddling around with a pregnant belly or my infant/toddler. My time will come though, I know that for certain. All things in his perfect time.

A evening sky, campfire perfect for smores!

Tell me a fun story about someone in your family you love a little extra (such as great uncle HH).

Hiking and Deep Thoughts (with pics)

V. and I went hiking on Monday with dad-in-law,since we had the day off and I wanted to share a story and thought with you.

Dad-in-law picked us just before 7am and we headed off into the great outdoors, luckily we live in a part of the country where we don't have to drive all that far to get there! After 30 quick miles on the highway and 28 long slow miles on winding old logging roads that remain unpaved, we arrived.

It was a cool and cloudy day, the high likely only got to maybe 60 degrees with the elevation. First we hiked to an old mine site V loves to explore, also dad-in-law had never been there, it was fun to watch him explore. It's just a old fluorite mine that has been closed longer than V and I have been alive...combined, but it's neat to look at all the sparkle of the remains. Also V thinks he'll find a big crystal one day, good luck honey!

One of the old mine entrances:

We hiked back out a little ways back to where the trail forked so that we could hike to a couple lakes where the guys could fish. I have little interest in fishing, V doesn't want to bait my hooks or get the fish off for me, since we are catch-and-release peeps I fear I will do more harm than good to the fish when trying to "release" them. Thus I take along books and enjoy the great out doors. Anyway it was another 3 rocky miles to the lakes so onward we went. We all had bundled up so the hike was comfortable, thankfully last summer V conceived me to buy a camel-back (a backpack with a bag and long straw you can drink out of, mine holds less than a gallon of water). That little item is a life saver!

After about an hour we arrived at the entry point to the lake, unfortunately it was still steep hike down on washed out trails. Luckily V and I had been here the summer before so I felt comfortable. Finally we arrived at the lakes edge, how pretty! V started me a little fire so I could warm up and he and dad-in-law headed off to fish. I sat happily and ate the snacks I had packed in but soon my little fire was more work than it was worth so I put it out and headed over to the lakes edge with the guys.

Dad-in-law fishing:

I found a large flat rock upon which I was able to sit comfortably and read. I'd read a bit and enjoy the view, watch the guys and talk with dad-in-law, V fished from a area I wasn't comfortable sitting and reading (not enough room) so every now and then I'd hike over and take pictures of his fish and the mountains. The sun would come out of hiding briefly and warm us and return to hiding. I hiked around a small portion of the lake and took pictures of the wildflowers and pictures of the guys, it was a lovely afternoon.

My favorites wild flower (Indian Paint Brush):

Near where V was fishing (can you see all the little purple wild flowers?):

After several hours the guys decided we had tempted the rain clouds enough and it was time to head out, the hike back would take us about an hour and half, other than getting out of the steep lake area the hike back would be fairly easy.

My favorite part of the hike out is a very rocky area, the trail is a ledge along the edge of the mountain with no trees blocking your view of the valleys, it was lush and green and I felt as though I could see forever! I found myself struggling with my asthma at one point on the hike out, towards the end in a steep area. Throughout the whole hike V was in front of me and dad-in-law behind, during the hardest time I found myself staring at V's shoes saying "just one more step Jen" over and over. Then after my struggle was over and we were on a flat part I was still doing that, staring at the back of his shoes! I had to remind myself to look up at the beauty of God's creation all around me. And I wondered to myself if we all too often do this in life. During the hard times we do what we can to cope with a struggle but then the struggle is over and it's time to lift our heads and carry on, experiencing God's beauty but we still have our heads down, focused on just taking the next step, not thinking. Something to ponder. I feel like this is how I should be approaching our TTC journey right now! Stop, look up and experience the Glory of God right where you are because this is exactly where he wants you right now. Whew!

As you can imagine my thoughts preoccupied me and before I knew it we were back at the truck and headed home. There are few things better than a hot shower at home after such a long hike!

A pic of V on our hike out (sorry so blurry):

Until Next Time!
A pic of the rainbow that welcomed us back into city limits:

A Weekend Escape (Cabin & Lake style)

V's family has a cabin, it was originally built by hand in the 1950's-1960's by his grandma and grandpa. Long story short, V's grandpa passed and willed into the remaining lineal descendants....all 21 of them! It works out that V's mom is one of 5 immediate descendants so the cabin it spilt up for a weekend for each of them on a rotating 5 week schedule. So every 5th week or so we have the the opprotunity to go up and enjoy the heck out of it, and we do as often as we can! Sometimes the mom-in-law and dad-in-law come (rarely do the bro-in-law or sis-in-law come which is ok with me).

So Friday night V. and I scurried around after work getting all the necessities ready and hit the open road. It's a little more than an hour to get there and if I remember correctly it's the last of three good size lakes we pass so it's a very enjoyable ride! This is the exact moment I feel that we have arrived, it's the first of the lakes and we still have a while to drive but that feeling is priceless!
V had gone up and fished last weekend (with permission from his aunt, whose weekend it was) while I enjoyed a Saturday with my bestie of girl chat and pedicures, the point being our new-to-us boat was already there along with the trailer so we just took the truck up. It was a special treat for me not to have to drive. With my earphones in I chilled to my ipod tunes while V. drove the miles away.

By early evening we had arrived (only after stopping several times in search of some "live bate" for V.). Our mutt, who has no tail (not due to us, she was that way when we got her) as you can felt rather abandoned when Dad went into the 3rd place for bate.

We finally arrived and after getting settled we enjoyed a BEAUTIFUL Sunset!

We so enjoy the cabin, especailly so this weekend! I feel so refreshed!!! Mom-in-law and Dad-in-Law came up on Saturday, V and his dad fished most of the day and Mom-in-law and I had some qulaity time to talk. She is a total blessing to me and has a way of supporting me/us that I so need.

Some more pretty moutains, yes with snow in June.

Until Next time!

Much Love,

Jen

The next day was perfect too! (can you see the snow on the moutains in the distance?)

Answer to not yet prayed prayer!

Thank God for my mom-in-law, is the answer to the prayer I hadn't yet prayed! On Sunday, May 23...aka Cycle Day 87, I took a pregnancy test….er two pregnancy tests. I hoped just maybe but if I’m honest with you (and me) I knew I wasn’t. I have never been so in tune with my body, it’s kinda crazy, but I knew I was not/am not pregnant. I worried it would be hard so we decided to go to church on Saturday night. I forced myself to sleep as long as possible and when I could no longer I got up, and took two tests (why two? I have no idea, guess I wanted to be really sure either way). Both clearly negative, I walked though the living room, where V. was hanging out already awake and said “I’m not pregnant” and I retreated to our skill dark bedroom to cry with the sheets over my head. V. came in, poor guy feels so hopeless throughout all this. I think he was actually praying for me, as his hand was firmly on my belly (sheets were still over my head and he was quiet). At some point we eventually made it to the living room, we watched tv and dozed, cried a little and ate at some point. V. had things he needed to get done but I could tell he didn’t want to leave me. I had mentioned to mom-in-law on Saturday night at church that I was testing in the morning and could use some prayers. She called to check on me, I could hardly hold it together telling her I was indeed not pregnant and no I did not want to come out to the house or even leave mine, I didn’t want to talk about it.

Thankfully she ignored me and came over, just to check. V. and dad-in-law went to run errands, and I learned so much about my mom-in-law. She had a stillbirth and three miscarriages in her own quest to be a mom, for a total of eight pregnancies. While I wish she never had to experience those times, I am so glad to have someone I can relate to even a little. She sat with me and talked when I couldn’t, let me cry when I needed to and just listened when I needed to ramble about my fears out loud, it felt so good to just let all the emotions flow without fear of judgment or cliché advice. Never once did she give me the cliché advice I hate so much. She supported me and was such a comfort. She volunteered what knowledge she had, and offered to go to the dr with me. I actually look forward to her coming with me, this is such an emotional time that I tend to not be able to ask the questions I need to and leave the dr wondering and confused. Thank God for you mom-in-law!

After mom-in-law left and V. returned I ate a little, did a few chores and returned to reading this book “the perfect hormone balance for fertility” (for the first half it’s about eating organically and balanced/healthy) I got to the part about irregular cycles and treatments. The more I read the more I think I may actually have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) despite not having a lot of the outward symptoms. I have decided it’s time for a blood test to see, I’m going to request my dr. run it and if she refuses it will be clear she is either unable or unwilling to help me and it’s time to move on to another dr. I’m off to write down my questions, wish me luck, I have to actually call and make the appointment (which I think will be harder than I think, perhaps I’ll wait until lunch).

I feel much more peace right now about this journey. I'm so sad that it's still something we don't talk about, honesty is so refreshing but then again I don't want to talk about it either. I'm torn on that, maybe after I learn a bit more I will venture out of my silence so others will have someone to talk to. Perhaps that is why I am on this journey in the first place, after all things happen for a reason. Guide me God, your will be done.

Jeremiah 29:11

So that's where my breaking point is, good to know.

Sunday (aka Mother’s Day) I woke up kinda cranky, but was determined to shake it. V. and I headed off to church and sat with mom-in-law and dad-in-law. And then it started, the sermon on Ruth 4. Ruth had been widowed, ends up falling for this guy Boaz and despite that she was previously married for 10 years and never had children. Then God "opened her womb" and she got pregnant on her wedding night with Boaz. And my pastor gets on his standard “get married and have babies immediately” soapbox, then proceeds to talk about how he understand that some people can’t have children and talks about his brother and wife who NEVER were able to have children yadda yadda yadda, God opens and closes wombs. I lost in right there and started to cry. I excused myself to the ladies room and came back and did my best to hold it together. I really hoped that the fam would just think I was just frustrated by the pressure to have kids asap and ignore it.

Unfortunately it was Mother’s Day and we had all made plans to meet at a local chain restaurant for lunch. Great (sarcasm intended). Grandma-in-law, brother-in-law and mom-in-law and dad-in-law arrive just before us as well as V.’s great aunt. Things went fine for the most part until brother-in-law joked (as he ALWAYS does) that V. and I need to give dad-in-law what he really wants for father’s day; a grandchild. I snapped my head to look directly at him and said “you know[name] it’s not always easy for people to get knocked up” him “oh [my name], you’d be surprised” [please note he is a 26 year old virgin with no dating experience] me (angry tone) “No, YOU would be surprised.” And Cue awkward silence. Thank God our meal was over, V. quickly made an excuse for us to go, he could tell I was hurting. We no sooner got outside and mom-in-law runs up and hugs me saying “we love YOU, we don’t care about babies, really” I start absolutely bawling and say “we’ve been trying for months, I…I don’t know if we can. I am SO sorry we ruined your Mother’s Day” I tried to back away. She was so surprised she just hugged me tighter and said “you didn’t ruin anything, we love you” I just cried and said “I just want to go home” and V. got me out of there. How embracing. I just cried on the way home, V. was so great. We got home and he just held me. I spent the remainder of the afternoon on the sofa.

Several days have passed now, I was able to spend some time with just mom-in-law and tell her what is really going on, she was surprised and sad but hopeful. I learned she had several miscarriages. How sad. She offered no advice, and thankfully so. I get so tired of advice, unless I have sought it out. She and dad-in-law are there for us and supporting us and has already told brother-in-law to grow up and be more sensitive to others.

What a long road. Today is cycle day 81, I have to call the dr in 9 days if flow doesn’t show on her own. Which I am certain she won’t. I need to prepare some questions. I don’t even know what to ask. *Sigh*