It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

What might have been

As I was getting ready this morning I thought back to the time before my initial appointment with my Dr (Dr. Wonderful) in October of 2010.  The appointment I had to wait 6 weeks for, the same one that was scheduled as my preliminary infertility testing appointment.  And it got me thinking about what might have been.

What if I hadn't had to wait those 6 weeks... I can only make assumptions based on my limited knowledge of what one could expect.  I won't go too far into the detail of what I think may have happened but I believe my life would be so different.  What I believe would have happened would have been a series of tests and certainly medication to start my period hence I wouldn't have ovulated the egg I did that is now my son.  I can't even fathom thoughts beyond that.  God knew I needed those six weeks, he had a plan for me, for that egg, for my son.  I can't even wrap my head around what might have been.

Then my mind wonders to the actual day (October 5, 2010) of that first appointment, the appointment scheduled to begin my infertility testing, the same one that I showed up having just got a positive pregnancy test.  V couldn't make it, although I no longer recall why, so my bestie came.  I had an ultrasound because it had been four months since my last period no one among us had any idea how far along I was.  The Dr turned on the ultrasound and couldn't fine the baby (not uncommon when you are very early) but did find what he described as a "mass of fluid the size of a large orange near my right ovary".  He thought that my pregnancy was likely ectopic and potentially life threatening.  Everything happened so fast that I was alone (aside from said Dr and a nurse) when he did my ultrasound and told me about the fears he had for me, he gave me specific instructions and restrictions for the next few days and sent me for labs that day and for two days later (to test my beta growth).  I recall vividly going out to my bestie in the waiting room and waiting to get into the hall before telling her what I had just learned, I remember leaning on the wall wanting so badly to just fall and weep in fear but holding it together somehow.  She went with me to have my betas done that day and two days later.  I would have two more ultrasounds in the next few weeks, all of the ultrasounds and blood tests ultimately came back fine and the mystery fluid disappeared.  I'm so thankful that my Dr took slow and cautious steps during those first weeks, he could have jumped the gun and done surgery immediately (this happened to a friend of mine, she later learned her Dr had acted hastily and her pregnancy was not ectopic, she later miscarried that baby). 

All these things wondered through my mind today as I walked that same hall, passed the same spot where I wanted to breakdown, I sat in the same chair as that first appointment (not on purpose actually).  I had my routine appointment and all I could think the whole time was "wow, 27 weeks, I can not believe I'm here!".  After today's appointment, which went very well, I went over to the same lab to have my Gestational Diabetes test done. Again my bestie was by my side, but this time she was just there to keep me company, there was no fear, no reason to worry she just wanted to support me like she has since the beginning of this journey.

There is little reason to ever think about what might have been in my opinion but your mind does wonder there.  In a way it was like God was reminding me to be thankful for the broken road I had to walk to get where I am today.  I'm about to be a mom, I'm about to have a son and while my struggles weren't nearly what they might have been I'm thankful for them because they were just a step on my journey, a journey that has brought those close to me closer.

b.a.n.a.n.a.s.....BANANAS!

Little boy is the size (length I'm guessing) of a banana!

In other news:

• Weighty Issues: Same as last week, up a total of 13lbs.   
• Stretch Marks: None yet, I'm really hoping I don't get any but realize that is not realistic, but hey a girl can hope!
• Sleep: I love sleep, and I'm sleeping better now that I'm working out a little, yippie!
• Best Moment this week: V got to feel the little guy kick last night!!
• Movement: Yep, he's getting a little more consistent and stronger each day!
• Food Commentary: it's probably the best it's been so far although heart burn has made an appearance.
• Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far far too early for that business!!!! I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks.
• Belly Button In or Out: So far still in, it gets sore though, I think it's stretching!
• What I miss: Nothing enough to change it.
• What I'm looking forward to: Everything, everyday I wait for his little kicks etc.  I'm really enjoying the second trimester!  I would love to start on the nursery though!
• Weekly Wisdom: Just like last week, each day is a miracle, treat it that way!
• Weekly WTF: I got nothing worth complaining about!
• Nesting: I'm ready to nest, if only the nursery were finished :/
• Milestones: Everyday is a milestone!

For more on the development of a 21 week old fetus click here.

Here is a pic of me in a non-maternity printed shirt, what it ever did to deserve this we'll never know.  Also that is my dogger (sorry about the creepy eyes).

Half Baked...a survey

• How far along; 20 weeks also known as half baked…ummm wow!
• Weighty Issues: as of Jan 18th I’m up a total of 13lbs on track for a healthy total weight gain (by the way for my frame, based on my pre-preg BMI, a total gain of 25-35lbs is recommended)
• Sleep: I day dream about sleep and nap as much as possible.
•  Best Moment this week: A week ago we found out we are having a healthy baby boy, since then his kicks have gotten stronger and stronger. I’m smitten!
• Food Commentary: I’m proud to say that I’m eating healthy again! I'm back to loving salads, cucumbers, oranges and pineapple (I hated pineapple pre-preg)! I’m still having small bouts of “morning” sickness but it’s manageable.
•  Maternity Clothes: Yes, yes and yes. Maternity pants are required and maternity shirts are just more comfy since they are so long!
• Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far FAR too early for that business!!!! [I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks. ]
•  Belly Button In or Out: It’s gets less shallow everyday! I predict it will not make it my whole pregnancy before popping! (yikes)
• What I miss: Nothing really, I’m back to the gym and that has helped a lot!
• What I'm looking forward to: Having the renovations around the house finished so I can begin work on baby’s room and nesting! (yes I'm a dork and want to nest!) 
• Weekly Wisdom: Everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!
• Weekly WTF: I got nothing this week, I’m just so thankful for my son’s health and the love being poured out on us via gifts, notes and what-not.
• Nesting: I’m very ready to nest, especially since our nursery furniture arrived super early and is now sitting un-assembled in our basement!
• Milestones: Knowing my son is healthy HUGE milestone!

For more on the development of a 20 week baby click HERE.

Our Story, from the begining

I know most of you have been following me from the beginning and know our story.  This post is to serve as a more detailed part of my profile.  I'm hoping to make a link in my profile so that others can read this later and I can reduce the amount of info there.  So sorry if this is a repeat. 

After about two and half years of marriage my husband "V" and I were enjoying a prolonged newlywed phase when my world was rocked.  For the first time in my life I lost someone close to me in a very unexpected and tragic way.  At just 21 years old friend Jamie's life was very suddenly ended.  My mindset had been V and I would buy a house then have babies in the semi-near/distant future, after Jamie died that all changed.  You see V is a bit older....er 9 years older, than me so our baby making plans have always been in my hands.  After Jamie's funeral I felt a urgent desire to have children and live the life I wanted but had on hold.  God really spoke to me, showing me that ultimately I am not in control of the number of my days but the amount of life I live in the days he gives.

One problem though, at age 17 I was told I likely would have trouble having children because I had PCOS.  V and I took some time to rely on our faith, and pray about this new desire, to make sure I/we weren't acting out of fear but out of a real desire for chidren of our own.  Three months later, also known as December 2009, we officially went off birth control and started trying.  I always wondered if my PCOS diagnosis was true or not, after all I was only 17 years old when I received it.  The months passed and my cycles grew longer and longer ranging from 35 to 112 days, far beyond the "normal" scope.  I tried charting but it never showed ovulation for me, and I ultimately gave up after about 80 days (part of one cycle).  My dr at the time wasn't being proactive and I had to almost pressure her to do anything let alone run tests (she only did prolactin and thyroid both came back "normal").  After 9 months of this with her I left her for a new wonderful dr and also left my super stressful job.

I set an appointment with a new dr who would do infertility testing and treatment if he felt they were necessary.  I had to wait about two months before I could get into this new dr due to his vacation and waiting for my new (better) insurance to take over.  During this time I enjoyed my new job, stopped charting, stopped scheduling sex and started eating a lot of raw veggies for snacks and started doing yoga once a week.  I let go of all the trying in hopes that we would soon be doing testing and likely treament anyway.  Basically I let go of it all; all my anxiety, all my trying to plan it and make it work and just left it in God's hands and waited.  Those weeks dragged and sped by all at once, I know in reality it was a very short time but in my mind each day dragged, I never imagined it would really take so much for us to be parents.  God saw that we needed this break badly and ultiamtely it was a wonderful and so restful.  During this time my body continued to well...do nothing, or so I thought.  The day of my appointment I was on cycle day 102, only my 3rd cycle in 11 months.

On the morning of my infertility appointment I took a pregnancy test per V's request....and it was positive, despite that I still hadn't had a period in well over 100 days.  We were both floored and over the moon!!  We cried and thanked God!!  Since we had no idea how far along I could be (I hadn't taken a test in over a month) I decided to go to the appointment anyway and see if the new dr would do an ultrasound to detemine the baby's gestational age and he did.  Unfortunately he couldn't find the baby, what he did find was a large mass, the size of a large orange, of "fluid" near my right ovary.  He feared my pregnancy was ectopic and thus potentially life threatening.  Over the course of the next few weeks I had two blood tests, to check for properly rising betas, and two more ultrasounds to see if the baby was growing in the right area and at the right speed.  It was a terrifying few weeks that felt like months at the time.  Praise God that each time our tests came back normal and the mystery fluid disappeared.  On November 1 V and I got to see our little gummy bear looking baby measuring a great 8 weeks with a heartbeat of 174 and my dr, who had been AMAZING said the most wonderful words "we're going to treat you like a regular pregnant lady moving forward".

Today is November 20th and as Thanksgiving is fast approaching I find myself overly thankful for this crazy miracle living and growing everyday.  I still can't believe I'm pregnant other than my serious morning sickness.  I was thinking this morning who I'd love to have a skylight of sorts in my belly so I could check on my babe everyday, then it occurred to me....God has been teaching me so much this whole time but now more than ever he is teaching me to rely on him, trust that he's given us this miracle and that he alone is watching over him/her daily and he/she is in good hands.

I still count the days until my next appointment, and I know exactly how many days pregnant I am because each of them feels like a victory that we've fought long and hard for.  Most of all everyday I thank God for this miracle and pray that his blessing falls on my friends still waiting for their blessing to start growing.  I love these friends dearly and can't wait to hear their good news because it will come!


*Liam's Birth Story*