Two Years

Last year on this day I was in full sap mode, I wrote this post about how I could recall what was happening at each hour {on the day Liam was born}.

This year I'm overjoyed but not as sappy. Honestly things have been so crazy I haven't had time to be sappy. Liam got super sick Tuesday night, like vomiting and stuff, it was scary. He was fine by morning but I took Weds off work to hang out with him. We cuddled all day, guess I'll find out if it was viral. I had planned to take today off and spend it with Liam, take him swimming and the whole nine yards but I just don't have enough paid time off stored up.

Last night after we put Liam down for the night I ran out and got a big bunch of balloons including Liam's current favorite Thomas the Train. I also picked up muffins and cupcakes for the morning (well cupcakes are for dinner). I had already purchased this adorable little Thomas the Train flashlight thing, I knew he'd be over the moon for it! I got home late but my excitement for Liam kept me going, I knew he wouldn't totally get it but I also knew he'd be super excited.

Unfortunately Liam coughed all night, his poor nose is just running like mad. I got up at least a half dozen times to sooth him back to sleep (back rubbing, bink, cover with blanket etc). By the time morning rolled around I could barely pull my butt out of bed, I told V not to wake Liam until I was out of the shower. I showered and dressed at light-speed then V and I went in and woke Liam with the "happy birthday" song. Liam proceeded to kick his feet in protest. He did not want to get up, poor little dude! We managed to get him up, changed his diaper and went into the livingroom where he promptly noticed the huge bundle of balloons and got super excited! Success! He ate his chocolate chip muffin while enjoying some Chica Show on Spout while I ran around like a crazy person trying to get ready, wet hair it is.

Thankfully it's a Grandma's day so I dropped him off there and Grandpa had taken the day off so Liam was ubber happy! I've been at work since and still feel like I'm running around like a crazy person, so many things to get done!

This past year has been amazing, it's so incredible to see the changes in Liam. He's truly a little boy and not a baby anymore, although he'll always be my baby! He's the happiest person I know. He's sweet and kind but stubborn as his Momma too! It's difficult to put into words how much I love this little boy but I guess that is part of being a mom, it's something you can't explain and don't fully understand until you are here.

I've loved every moment, even the really frustrating ones, of being Liam's mom. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Happy National Running Day!!!!

This could possibly be my favorite holiday ever, ok after Thanksgiving!


Some background on my life as a runner; In Sept of '11 I was diagnosed with an Autoimmune Disease called ITP. I also had a three month old baby boy, to say I was stressed out would be taking it all very lightly. After not dealing with the stress very well for a few months I started running, slowly (half because I've had Asthma my entire life half because it was Feb. in MT=snowy). Slowly I started to feel some control over my health again, also the last bit of my baby weight came off....plus some. I had more energy and much needed me time, needless to say my husband was a huge supporter! In July of last year I did my first Half Marathon, it was slow going but I did it!

Today I run as often as possible which adds up to about three times a week. I run races as often as I find an interesting one. :) Running sets me free, whatever stress I have I can think through, pray through or simply listen to music of the pounding of my feet on the ground. It's heaven, it's still my "me-time".

I already did a lunch time hike with a co-worker and new friend today but I'm planning to get a few miles in tonight once my day at the 'ol 9-5 is over and done (1.5hrs!). I mean I have to celebrate the holiday! Perhaps I'll even attempt a run with Liam in the jogger....ek!

This is one of my all time favorite paths to run in my fine city, the picture is not mine but off of Google Images.

 

Who else is with me?

Much Love,
Jen

Mom Guilt

I suffer from Mom Guilt...a lot, a lot more than I'd like to admit. It's a challenge being a working mom but it's one I put on myself. Yes I do have to work, especially now that we have a mortgage, but also I want to work. I want it all, a family and a career.

Maybe I'm not all that different from other moms but I feel like it...a lot. I rarely give up time with Liam. I'm really lucky to have a husband that let's me train basically whenever I want (early mornings before Liam is up or immediately after he's asleep) and a bestie that is the most understand human to ever have walked the face of the earth. I work but I rarely even take a lunch so I get a little extra time with Liam each day. I drop him off at daycare or Grandma's house (depending on the day) rush to work, work and rush to pick him up. I don't workout when he's awake, I don't hang out with friends.... I read to him, play with him, change him, whatever he needs. I try to be just in the moment with him as much as possible.

I swear I'm not obsessive. I just want to be his mom, I want the time I have with him to be all about him. I want him to know he has all my love for everyday we have. I know a lot of this is because I can't have more children, I value all the time I have with him so much knowing I will not experience these firsts again. Time moves so quickly, I just want to soak in these years.

Not to say it isn't hard sometimes, I get tired and frustrated. I want just a little time to myself. Who doesn't?

So once in a great while I take a little "me" time. Usually I'll let Liam sleepover at the Grandparent's house. They love having him, he loves being there. I love getting some extra rest or cleaning done. But even then I feel so guilty. Or on the days I do take a lunch (and go for a run), that extra hour eats at me...even if I run an errand without him on the weekend, it just kills me sometimes.

But why? I mean really why not take a little break once in a while? How do men do it and feel nothing, they (seemingly) have no guilt at all.


I push myself so hard, I run myself ragged...the most important thing I can do in this life is a be a good mom to him but I need to take care of myself too.

There is no right answer, is there?

On Turning 30

I've been a horrible blogger lately.  Life is so busy these days with working, trying to be super mom and a good wife, training for my race and oh yeah just being Jen.  No easy task I tell ya but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Life seems to speed by so quickly that I rarely even stop to think if something is blog worthy.

In about 20 days I'll be 30 years old.  Guess What? I'm PUMPED!  No seriously.  My life has only gotten better with each passing year and 30 is going to be a fantastic year!  Vic and I are [finally] doing well, I have the cutest little boy on the face of the planet and we will finally be in our own home, or at least really close, work is going well and I love running more than ever.  

30.is.going.to.ROCK!  
This is my year I can feel it.

I find it odd that people fear aging and seem to especially fear turning 30.  Not this lady, no sir.  Perhaps it's that I have yet to find a grey hair, not that I go searching for them either though... heaven knows I have my fair share of wrinkles and stretch marks.  My body is much different than Honestly I'm just so different than it once was but regardless I'm thankful I get to celebrate another year, I got to spend another year loving my family, really what more could I ask for?  None of us know the number of our days, I'm certainly not going to waste time stressing about getting older.

I'm not counting the days until the end of my twenties but I'm ready for 30, very ready.

Much Love,
Jen

My Body 18 Months After Baby

This post is full of TMI so if the thought of that makes you qweezy turn back now, you've been warned.


First I'll start with the elephant in the room, or lack thereof.  I've lost 63 pounds since having Liam.  I gained 49 of those while pregnant.  I had a lot of swelling but it still took a lot of effort to loose the weight.  I've kept it off now for just shy of a year.  At first I just lost the weight, I was skinny fat.  I looked thin but had little muscle to speak of.  I counted calories {using MyFitnessPal.com}for over 9 months straight, almost every day.  Last Spring I took up running jogging, this improved the condition of my body immensely.  It also kept me sane while I dealt with my Autoimmune Disease.  Although I'm now what many people call skinny (I prefer healthy) I'm not as confient as you would think.

First I have stretch marks, the worst of which are on my breasts.  Most of them have faded greatly....except on my breasts.  I got those nasty purple ones that are deep as the grand canyon on my breasts.  I tried hard to breast feed Liam for the first three months of his life, during those three months 90% of my milk was in my right breast, it was literally a solid D and the left one was a small B.  I'd also like to take a moment to say not all women get stretch marks just on their breasts and bellies, I have some in the oddest of places.....I'll leave it at that.

Which brings me to my next topic; my breasts or lack thereof.  You know how some women joke about their breasts resembling tube socks with sand in the bottom after having a baby?  They weren't joking.  For a wide variety of reasons (including my weight gain and loss) my breasts are a very small B on a good day (you know those days when you had too much salt the day before?).  They also are empty feeling, I don't know a better way to say it than that, it's odd at best.

And lastly my stomach.  While it's flater than I would have imagined it would ever be I still have some loose skin around my belly button.  It's not horrible but it's weird sometimes.  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get it even sort of tight again.

These things leave me uncomfortable even sorta naked, even around my husband.  He doesn't seem to mind but I dunno, I guess I'm still just a little uncomfortable in this body.  It still feels a little foreign to me.  Please don't think I'd trade Liam for my old body because I would NOT.  I'm proud of this strange new body, first and foremost it gave me Liam that in itself is a miracle I would not trade for anything.  This body made it through the crazy experience which was (and unfortunately looks like will be [more on this later]) my Autoimmune Disease.  Last but not least this body did a Half Marathon in 2 hours and 42 minutes.  I really am in the best shape of my life, it's just superficial stuff that bothers me.

I guess my real point is I'm not as confident as you would expect me to be, even though I'm certainly in the best shape of my life.  I have a co-worker who is on her journey to loosing some weight, she constantly says things about wanting to look like me and sometimes I think to myself "you don't want these boobs or belly trust me."  I suppose the real lesson here is to not compare ourselves to others, no matter what they may look like etc. Don't judge a book by it's cover.

Much Love (and Honestly)
-Jen

Juggling

Some days I think I rock at this whole super-wife, rockstar-working-mom gig.  Then there are weeks like this one.  Oy vey!   I'm sitting at work sipping a much needed latte and I could easily fall fast asleep right here, right now.

Some weeks I can rock out five or six healthy dinners, get lots of quality time in with Liam, have the whole house fairly well organized, all the bills paid early and even get a workout or two in.  Not this week, it's Friday morning and I haven't gotten a single workout in, there is hope for tomorrow...kinda.  The bills that are due this week are paid but I'm not ahead of the game like I want to be.  Some of the house is clean and I made....one healthy dinner.  In all fairness with Liam's fever that lasted Monday-Thursday morning I was just making him things I knew he would eat so he would eat something (homemade mac and cheese with peas).  I haven't skimped on the quality time with Liam because it's always at the top of my priority list. I only straightened my hair today because we have a meeting with the builder right after work, otherwise I'd be rocking wet-hair-pulled-into-a-ponytail style.

I'm exhausted.  I feel like I'm just barely keeping up and no where near getting ahead.  I feel like I'm juggling but I keep dropping all the balls.  I don't feel like a failure though because I'm still trying, you only fail if you give up.  All I can do is make a list and start checking things off one-by-one.

I'm sure all moms feel this way at times, maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves, who knows.  I don't think I'll ever be a "whatever" kind of mom, I'm always going to want to have it all; tons of quality time with Liam, clean house, healthy dinners, finances in check, happy family, career....I want it all and damn it I'm going to bust my ass until I have as much of this dream as I can.

Not entirely sure if there is a point in there, just a healthy dose of honesty about this week.  I'm just glad the election is over, we all know the result know so maybe people will keep a few more opinions to themselves, one can hope!

V Plays Stay at Home Dadda

Liam was acting off yesterday, we chalked it up to the time change.....but boy was he grumpy!  Flash to this morning, Liam woke up crying really hard.  This is not normal for him at all, usually he happily wakes and calls out to us (in mumble-y 18 month old chatter).  Not today, today was full of loud cries.  I hadn't gotten up for the day yet (my alarm was set to go off in another 5 mins at 6:10am), so I told V that I would change Liam's diaper.  When I picked poor little Liam up he was physically on fire, I laid him on the changing table and started about stripping off his pjs, changing his diaper and taking his temp...... 102.5, yikes!  V didn't miss a beat, he called off work to spend the day with Liam. 

I quickly got ready then ran to the store for some juice and bananas (and bagels for V and I).  I'm so thankful to have a husband that is willing to stay home with our sick child. I know a lot of men wouldn't even consider staying home and some women who wouldn't let their husband stay home to care for an ill child.  I'm glad either of those things are true in my marriage.  (Even though V' boss thinks it's totally nuts that V will stay home with Liam he still allows Vic to use sick time to care for Liam.)  I called to check on Liam several times, each time V reassured me Liam was getting better and better.

Finally my work day was done, I rushes straight home and Liam was so very excited to see me!  V reported that Liam hadn't eatten great but was snacking and his temp had some down a little.  We spent a lovely evening of just chilling, eatting a little dinner and relaxing.  I gave Liam a second dose of infant IB profrin and now his temp is just slightly over 100 degrees.  A few minutes before we would have normally put Liam to bed he picked up a blanket off the floor and walked into his room, he was clearly ready!  We did our normal routine of; clean diaper, jammies, sippy of water and sit on my lap while Dadda reads and when we put Liam into his crib he rolled on his side and was out before we turned off the light!

Just Call Me: SuperMom/SuperWife!

I generally consider myself an organized person, having Liam has improved my time management skills like nobody's business!  But I'm still a person, things slip though the cracks sometimes.....

thanks google images

But not today!  I am so on it!  Today I paid almost all of our bills (hi, incase you hadn't noticed it's only August 2nd).  Most of our bills aren't even due for two more weeks, at least!  I also signed Liam up for Fall/Winter Parent & Tot Swim Lessons at the YMCA, in addition I signed myself up for a new fitness class at the Adult Learning Center in our town!  I love taking classes at our adult center, they are high quality but super affordable, 8 classes for $25?! Yes Please!  I've taken regular yoga but never the heated vinyasa so I'm pretty excited!  I might be overly excited because having this class also means it's scheduled "me" time (in case you are wondering it's after Liam is in bed, difficult to come by but not impossible).

All this while getting all my work  plus some done at the 'ol desk job!  (Bosslady is out of town so I've been able to juggle a bit extra today).  Not only all this but we have manage to pay off most of our car!  By October we will have no car payment and I'll probably lower our insurance to save even more!

I feel like supermom/superwife!  Today I could concur the world!  Or at very least organize it's schedule and perhaps balance it's bank account!

Ohohoh! And one more thing, I have dinner planned for tonight!  That's right, I'm awesome!

I hope you got a few giggles out of my silliness today!

Much Love,
Jen