The Thoughts in My Head

I've writen, edited, deleted and re-writen this post more times than I care to admit. It's time to just give in and publish it.
-Jen
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You know the kind, the ones that only surface when you are tired and don't have the energy to keep them at bay or during your dreams when you're not totally in control.  The kind that pop into your head suddenly at 3am and keep you awake when you are desperate for sleep.  Yeah those kind.

I've been avoiding the fact that I had routine blood work done in November, I wanted to establish care with a standard 'ol internal medicine doctor and have my cholesterol checked for good measure.  We discussed my interesting health history (including diagnosis and remission of my ITP) and it was decided to check my platelets for good measure.  I was told if everything were fine I'd receive a letter in the mail with a breakdown of my blood work.  Instead I received a call. I'm no longer in remission.  After just three short months my platelets have gone down by more than 50% and are were below normal, but not at a dangerous level.  Right now my internal med dr is ok with monitoring me again in a few months, depending on that result I'll have to find a hematologist (I can no longer be treated by Dr T due to my lovely insurance).  I'll be checked again in around 60 days as I'm planning another Half Marathon.  The time has come to have my numbers checked so it will be in the next three weeks as I'm about to start training for my second half marathon.

This news was a blow, obviously not as bad as last time but a blow none the less.  I told only a couple friends and waited to tell V because his uncle was in the hospital, he had a heart and was still being monitored.  I needed V's uncle to be a little better before I could burden V with this news.  After a few days uncle was released and Thanksgiving had passed so I brought it up to V, he handles things differently than most people (I think), and often times I have to tell him exactly what I need from him because he follows my lead (if I'm freaked out he freaks out, I'm typically his rock).  So in this instance where I was sad and a little freaked out, I needed him to be my rock.  Initially he got kinda defensive which hurt.  I had to explain to him that I'm not as freaked out as last time and that this will not determine how I live my life but I am sad and I should be allowed that.  Once he understood where I was coming from he was supportive again.  It was strange this time around, I didn't want to hear all the puppies-and-rainbow business, I just wanted to be sad for a moment.  I'm really relating to Christina on Parenthood right now though her diagnosis is clearly much worse than mine.

The holidays were nice, they allowed me to been to push all this to the back of my mind and just sort of be on auto pilot about it all.  I reminded myself that I don't look sick and I don't feel sick, I can still have a relatively normal life and best of all it's not genetic so Liam has no greater chance of having it than I did.  With "the holidays" long gone it's not been as easy to stay busy and a little fear has crept back into my mind.  I've started having nightmares about returning to the Cancer Specialists office for treatments but this time it's the treatments I've feared this whole time.  I have dreams that Dr T is disappointed that I'm not well, as if I've done something to make this return.  I find myself thinking about the strangest details of it all at the strangest times.  I realize this is all just the junk in the back of my mind making it's way forward when I have little control, you know because I'm sleeping (or at least trying to).

I'm still working out, about to start training plan for my next half marathon.  I'm still doing bodycombat for cross training.  I'm still being me and being a wife and mom, still enjoying life.  I refuse to let this define me, I'm just sad that it's even still a part of me, I'm sad I have to accept its back in again.  I have to adjust to the fact that I have a chronic disease for the rest of my life...again and that is going to take some work.  I feel like I'm sort of back at square one, maybe square three or five but back towards the beginning of this whole thing and that is disappointing.

Hold Your Babies Extra Close Today

Last night a little boy died in our community, he had been fighting aggressive brain cancer for more than half his short four years and couldn't battle on any longer.  His parents did all they could, even the most aggressive treatments, then when the cancer came back for the third time their son said to them "no more pokes" and they agreed, they treated him at home.  I followed their journey through his mom's blog and on facebook never actually meeting any member of his family only attending fundraising functions here and there.

This morning as V and Liam were eating scrambled eggs I read the news of this little boy's passing and I physically crumbled in tears, my heart breaks for this family.  I can not imagine his mother's pain, the sorrow his whole family feels.  Tears have been near all day.  Then I saw people start to post hurtful things on facebook this afternoon.  Here's the thing, his parents made the best choice for THEIR family, why in the world would you judge them after their child JUST passed!??!  It's been less than 24 hours!!!  My heart breaks.

Lucky V, it's been a slow week at work so he had already taken the day off to spend with Liam.  Liam was super happy to have an extra ~45 mins of sleep and woke up in cheerful jabber.  I took a little personal time at lunch to go home and snuggle him extra close (he seemed super happy about it too!).

My plea to you is to snuggle your babies extra close today, they are a true gift and blessing from God.

RIP Sweet Child, you are with God where there is no cancer.

Building a House: The Waiting Game

Perhaps God is using this experience as another opportunity to teach me to be patient.  I wonder how that is going.....cuz I'm not a patient person.

Something I didn't expect about building a house; because we are building in a subdivision we picked a model and some upgrades and I thought you just paid the listed price, like buying boots at Target. 

Apparently not, the developer even told us "let me know what your offer is".  Later in the conversation he also mentioned the builder wanted permission to build a spec. home through the winter to keep his crew busy.  Two key things that led us to believe there was some wiggle room on the price.  Here's the thing though, I don't want to offend this guy, he seems very on the straight and narrow.  After speaking to our realtor he suggested that we ask him to pay our closing costs and use that money to purchase upgrades to our home (we planned on the upgrades anyway)....so we did.  We officially placed our offer this morning....so the waiting begins.  The developer has until Thursday to get back to us, I wish he'd just accept the offer as is so we can break ground!!

I'm so ready for this whole process to get rolling!!!

Juggling

Some days I think I rock at this whole super-wife, rockstar-working-mom gig.  Then there are weeks like this one.  Oy vey!   I'm sitting at work sipping a much needed latte and I could easily fall fast asleep right here, right now.

Some weeks I can rock out five or six healthy dinners, get lots of quality time in with Liam, have the whole house fairly well organized, all the bills paid early and even get a workout or two in.  Not this week, it's Friday morning and I haven't gotten a single workout in, there is hope for tomorrow...kinda.  The bills that are due this week are paid but I'm not ahead of the game like I want to be.  Some of the house is clean and I made....one healthy dinner.  In all fairness with Liam's fever that lasted Monday-Thursday morning I was just making him things I knew he would eat so he would eat something (homemade mac and cheese with peas).  I haven't skimped on the quality time with Liam because it's always at the top of my priority list. I only straightened my hair today because we have a meeting with the builder right after work, otherwise I'd be rocking wet-hair-pulled-into-a-ponytail style.

I'm exhausted.  I feel like I'm just barely keeping up and no where near getting ahead.  I feel like I'm juggling but I keep dropping all the balls.  I don't feel like a failure though because I'm still trying, you only fail if you give up.  All I can do is make a list and start checking things off one-by-one.

I'm sure all moms feel this way at times, maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves, who knows.  I don't think I'll ever be a "whatever" kind of mom, I'm always going to want to have it all; tons of quality time with Liam, clean house, healthy dinners, finances in check, happy family, career....I want it all and damn it I'm going to bust my ass until I have as much of this dream as I can.

Not entirely sure if there is a point in there, just a healthy dose of honesty about this week.  I'm just glad the election is over, we all know the result know so maybe people will keep a few more opinions to themselves, one can hope!

We Didn't Get the House

So we submitted an offer on Tuesday evening with the parameters that we would hear back in 24 hours or our offer would become null and void.  24 hours came and went, our realtor tried reaching the seller's realtor over and over saying this was "very odd".  I knew we had gone in low but expected a counter, that was the advice we were given so I was confused when we simple got no response.  Frankly I'd never heard of someone just ignoring an offer (especially when I know we are the only activity on the house).

This morning (Thursday) our realtor awake to a email from 1:30am from the sellers agent, odd indeed.  The seller is choosing to ingore our offer entirely, they gave us an itemized list of "updates/upgrades" the home has and informed us that they value the house $10k above the list price.  WTF?  I could list several reasons why that simply isn't true but the most important one is that our market simply won't command such a price for a home with only a few upgrades (some of which aren't included in the sale of the home).  And apparently the seller got the $8k first time home buyer credit 3 years ago, the rules of that credit say you have to live in the house 3 fill years or repay the $8k, so he's factored that into the price of the house.....yeah we aren't going to pay for your decision to sell.

So V and I are walking away.  I'm sad because we do really like the house but like I've said before it's not even worth the list price and certainly not worth $10k over that (at least not in it's current state with an unfinished basement, no a/c etc etc etc).  That house will set the standard for others we look at and I feel like our journey to home ownership is going to be much longer now but it is what it is.  The chances of us being in a new home before the end of the year at super slim.  But the silver lining is that we will continue to build up our savings and pay down my student loans and everything will work out in God's perfect timing.

Much Love,
Jen 

Sometimes I'm All Puppies and Rainbows

And today is one of those days!  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've gotten a lot of physical activity in this week.  Two days this week the smoke [from nearby forest fires] had cleared out enough for walks and last night V convinced me to go to the gym You always feel so great afterward and always regret it when you don't go.... He was so right.  Oh the endorphins, glorious endorphins!

When I'm feeling this good I always try and take inventory Why do I feel sooo good?  I guess part of it is to be thankful and perhaps remember these good things when things don't seem so great. 

Today's Happy Things Inventory (in no specific order)
-Work is good, I recently had my mid-year review and it was fantastic (dare I say I'm sure I'll get a fantastic raise this year?)
-Liam is amazing, as usual.  He's walking, right on the cusp of completely shedding crawling, holy moly! 
-I have gotten in four days of physical activity! (Since Monday was a holiday I took a Spin class while Liam napped, walks on Tues & Weds with Liam and a 30 min run last night.  GLORIOUS!)
-Our car is officially paid off, very much ahead of schedule!
-I had a pretty interesting situation arise recently, while it didn't work out it has sparked a interest in me that I'm going to go after. Yay for adventures!  (More details on this as soon as I get them worked out!)
-V and I are doing pretty good, which is a far cry from a few months ago so I'll take it.  Progress is progress.
-I'm wearing a new and adorable dress that makes me feel pretty.  This is the dress.
-It's FRIDAY!

I'm sure there is much more but these things alone make my heart over flower today.

Much Love,
Jen

Calmness and Peace {Dr. Appt}

Last week I had my first annual exam with my ob/gyn since having Liam....you remember Dr. Wonderful, yes?  Dr. Wonderful is an amazing doctor.  I know far too many women to dislike, even hate their ob/gyn and it saddens me.  The person who brings your child into this world should be wonderful to you, I wish everyone had a doctor like mine.

I sorta looked forward to my check up.  Crazy huh?  Compared to my visits with Dr. T (Hematologist extraordinaire) an annual is a walk in the park!  Plus I'm nearly 15lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight, I've managed to maintain this weight for around 6 months and I'm darn proud of myself for it.  Also I love Dr. Wonderful's staff, they are equally as wonderful!  I walked in and the receptionist immediately says to me "You cut your hair!"  I was shocked that she even remembered me let alone my hairstyle after a year.  Love.

After confirming all my info and signing in I sat with my kindle fire hoping to read a bit of my newest book (Wild by Cheryl Strayed) before being called back.  Two clearly pregnant women were called back and shortly after so was I by my favorite nurse.  Happiness.  Nurse D and I caught up while I was weighed and had my blood pressure taken, she told me to strip down to nothing but the cape she pulled out and Dr. Wonderful would be right in.  I picked up my kindle after stripping down hoping Dr. Wonderful would have to do a few ultrasounds and I'd get a few pages in.  No such luck one page in and knock-knock.

Perhaps I have a strange bond with Dr. Wonderful but I was glad to see him.  He's older than both V and I, at least old enough to be either of our parents, maybe mid-50s?  He's easy to chat with but gets right down to business.  Boob exam, ugh I hate them but they are a necessary evil.  I brought up my ITP diagnoses and Dr. Wonderful delicately said "Hmm do you have future pregnancies planned?" I twisted my mouth a little and said "no..."  He seemed ok with that answer.  I couldn't help myself "I can't help but notice you didn't argue with me on no more babies, it's for the best isn't it?"  Dr. Wonderful "Well.  It's a bigger decision for you to possibly expand your family.  But it's a tough decision to be taken from you.  You could have more children, we could treat you and manage your ITP but it means more steroids.  I have some articles for you, I'd like you to be educated before you make a final decision.  I like that you are on Mirena, it's a good birth control for you as it prevents periods since you risk heavy bleeding."  The rest of our conversation was about my half marathon and how proud of my Dr. Wonderful is.  He kept saying "You look great!  Your working out, your organized, you're WEIRD!"  I just laughed.

After my exam I dressed and met Dr. Wonderful to get the article he mention and a rx for an inhailer for my asthma.  He again congratulated me on doing so well, told me I looked great and said "Well, see ya next year!"

After I left I could have returned to work for an hour but decided to take that time for myself, well kinda, I wanted to get some stuff cut up for dinner and change into comfy non-work clothes.  I wondered around my silent home picking up things and thinking about my appointment.  I had this wonderful sense of calm and peace.  I was thinking to myself while cutting up ingredients for dinner "If I could have one thing, anything, what would it be?  More time.  More time with Liam and V, with my friends and loved ones.  If I do get pregnant and my ITP goes haywire I truly could die and I would not get more time with anyone.  I would make a choice that would screw up the one thing I want most; more time with those I am already blessed to have.  Yeah, no more babies is the right choice for us.  Hopefully one day it won't sting as much but it's the right thing."  There were no tears which is rare.  In my hearts of hearts I want another child...a sibling for Liam, but more important than that is cherishing what I already have.  I put all the prepped ingredients in a bowl and headed off to pick up my sweet Liam.  I hugged him extra close and thanked God for him with tears in my eyes.  I am beyond blessed just to have him and get to be here to be his mom.

In about a week I have my next appointment with Dr. T (Hematologist extraordinaire), I'm anticipating treatment since I believe my platelet numbers have held the same pattern they have since being diagnosed last September.  Right now I feel good about it, I feel like I know what to expect and I have a lot of pride about accomplishing my first half marathon. 

Much Love,
-Jen

The Day After {My First Half Marathon}

Today has been slightly surreal.  It's hard to believe that yesterday really did happen.  When my alarm went off at 6am I was completely confused and really wanted another hour of sleep!  Putting my feet to the floor was slightly painful and I was a bit stiff but I didn't have time to be stiff-life was calling!  I showered and got ready for work before Liam was awake (typical day), not gonna lie I was hobbling around!  I specifically chose to wear a dress to work and dressy sandals so I didn't have to deal with pants and heals.  After Liam was up we all ate breakfast and before we knew it the time had come to head out.

The work day was long and short all at once.  My boss and co-worker also did the half marathon (my boss did her first half marathon last year and my co-worker did her first full last year).  For every one minute of work we did we talked about the race for eight minutes, it was really funny!  My boss commented several times that we were all still on a runner's high! I could tell my body wasn't handling sitting at a desk all day well; it craved a walk, some stretching, salad and sunshine.  No dice.  Thankfully we all did go to lunch and enjoyed some Mexican food which also meant a short walk in the sun.

Finally quitting time rolled around, I thought for sure I could at least get Liam out for a quick walk right when I got us home.  No dice again, it starting to thunder before we even got around the block.  After feeding all of us, Liam needed a bath and suddenly it was 7pm and Liam was exhausted so we put him to bed.  Freedom!  V totally understood and set me free!  I went to Target and just wondered around.  I emerged to cooler temps (it had been upper 90's earlier in the day).  I returned home and walked around our neighborhood, it felt so good to just walk!  After a while I was missing my hubby so I went home and snuggled until bed time (well, I blogged just before heading to bed, wink-wink).

The funny thing is I sorta feel like I did last summer, right after having Liam.  My priority (second to taking care of my family) is listening to my body, I'm eating what I feel called to eat and, when possible, just doing what will help it heal.  I feel great now, I'm super happy and proud of this accomplishment....and just might be already planning my next (much shorter) run/race.  Hehe!!

Nighty-Night!
Jen

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

My {Running} Addiction

Finding the time to run is a challenge but it's always worth it once I'm out there doing it.  Last night was the perfect example of this.  V made dinner after he got home around 5:45p, we all ate and before we knew it Liam's bedtime had arrived.  I changed into my running clothes, got Liam ready for bed, V gave him the last bottle of the evening and I read to him.  Soon V was placing our little blessing in his bed and I was headed out the door.  I always stop to tell V exactly where I am going and how long it should take, it's just something I have to do.

7:30ish I was out the door and on the pavement.  One earphone playing my favorite songs and the rhythm of my pace carried me away.  There are a few things I must be worried about because they kept bouncing through my mind, each time I'd push them away and just enjoy the moment.  Not to mention I had to pay attention to traffic on my way to the trail.  It was a comfortable 65 degrees, I was working hard enough that I needed to take off my top layer shirt, the cooler air felt so good as I went along the winding river path.  There is what some call a "running community" here, and now that I consider myself a runner I understand why!  It is beautiful place to run, running here has given me a new understanding and love of this city. I wish I could eloquently describe how running clears my mind but my words are too simple, the peace and silence is such a blessing!  I almost always feel like I have a fresh perspective and the energy to take on the world after a run.

I logged four miles last night, had you told me six months ago that I would be doing this I would have laughed at you. Doing a marathon has always been on my bucket list but I guess I never really thought it was achievable considering I've had asthma for 20 years.  I don't even recall why exactly I took up running this spring but I did and the more I did it the more I thought I really could do the half marathon this summer!  Now it's a true joy and passion in my life.  I'm deeply concerned about running in the fall and winter, running on a treadmill just isn't the same...in fact it's mind numbing comparatively.  Before I knew it 50 minutes had passed, I was back at my front door dripping sweat, feeling so relaxed and ready for a snack and shower.  I always get the best rest the night after a good run!

Two of my co-workers run with their children, age 17 and 11, I genuinely hope that one day running is a hobby that Liam and I can enjoy together.  Perhaps that should be on my bucket list (although if running isn't his thing that is ok).

Much Love
-Jen

(*written 5/31, I didn't have time to post it)

On Reality Checks

from google images

God hands me little reality checks, and I need them.  Lately I've gotten a series of them, gently reminding me that things could be much worse and to be thankful for what I have.  I don't know about you but I never get one little reality check at a time, it seems when it rains it pours.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still just observing my life and so many around me are going through something so difficult and I'm helpless.  I stand there with a heavy heart, empty hands that are clinched in prayer yet I feel so helpless.  Parents are struggling with their children's illnesses (cancer) while trying to manager their own (cancer).  Marriages are failing apart, two of my co-workers are in the middle of nasty divorces as is a close friend.  I could go on and on, my heart breaks for friends/co-workers etc.

I don't consider where I am in my life perfect but I have so much to be thankful for....and it's time to be mindfully thankful each day.

Today I am thankful for my son's health and my God's grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you."

Much Love,
Jen

More Milestones Coming

I can hardly believe I'm about to type this but I had to book Liam's first hair cut.  The boy was born with hair, not a ton but it's gotten long and very curly!  No matter what I do he looks super disheveled at the end of each day, and I'm worried that sooner or later people will ask me if I have a little girl, so hair cut time it is.  I'm going to cry for sure, I teared up just making the appointment.

This Saturday Liam will have his first hair cut, then on Sunday we are having his One Year pictures taken (along with some family ones). It seems like just yesterday I was having his new born pictures taken!  I can hardly believe that this time last year I was full term, super swollen and just waiting for my miracle baby to be in my arms.  My heart overflows.

Much Love,
Jen

Would You Parent Differently?

I've heard this question asked of older generations, the whole "in retrospect" concept but that isn't exactly what I'm talking about here (although I gladly invite any advice etc).

What I'm focused on is this; If you knew the baby in your arms would be your only, would you parent him/her differently?  As the reality that Liam will be our only child finds rest in my soul I think about this question/topic often.  Knowing he'll be my only child and these days are fleeting I am so much more willing to snuggle him extra at bedtime, play longer in the tub etc.  I'm beyond grateful that I got to have one amazing baby, he defines Miracle Baby.

Some days are easier than others, I feel like this decision was taken from me due to my autoimmune disease but it's the smart thing to do, it's my reality and there isn't much that will change it.  I'm not saying I'm a better parent but I do think this perspective makes me more patient with Liam, I lavish my love on him even when I'm tired and would love some time to myself, I look closely at him with an intentional smile trying to soak up every single moment and store it in my soul.  I intentionally seek extra time with him, I schedule anything I can when he's napping (on the weekends) or asleep for the night (during the week).  Daily I promise him that no matter what I will be there for him, I will love him and support him. 

It's a hard thing to know; that regardless of whether or not you could have more children...you shouldn't.  (I started to go into the details of why we have chosen to not have more children and it got a bit too emotional for me.  The facts are I have one amazing miracle baby that means the world to me, I have more than I could ever ask for and I am grateful.)

Much Love,
Jen

Edit to include: I kinda lost my train of thought last night....So what I was getting at is, if you knew that baby/child in your arms would be your one and only, do you think you would do anything differently?  I'd love to hear feedback!

Motion Sickness

I have never actually been motion sick however with the rate at which life is moving I'm starting to think I might!

I feel like every time I turn around another day/week/month has come and gone!  This week I had to travel out of town over night for the first time since Liam was born.  Ek!  Not only that I was gone TWO nights.  I know for some that might now be a big deal but for me it was.  I attended and presented at my regions annual meeting.  Thankfully it was so insanely busy the days flew by despite being 12-14+ hour days, by the time I got to my room each night I literally fell into the bed and asleep....seriously it was a struggle to undress myself and take off my make up! 

Back on the home-front, V was rocking it single-dad style.  I won't lie to you I was nervous.  Like most moms (working or not) I think of and take care of 95% of Liam's needs.  I did a lot of prep for V but the execution was all on him....and he did great!  Unfortunately Liam developed a cold while I was gone which meant he slept worse than usual (he typically wakes up once per night, while I was gone it was 3-4 times minimum).  I may sound like a bad wife here but I have to say a part of me really looked forward to this time away....not the part of being away from Liam but the part where V would gain a deep understanding of all I do every single day.  Boy did he ever! 

I don't want to give the impression that V isn't a good Dad because he is a very good one, however I do far more than him everyday.  Just by the sheer natural of our working hours and jobs I take Liam to daycare and pick him up, before V even gets home I have fed Liam and started our dinner (I don't always cook, I will admit that).  Essentially I spend an extra hour a day just taking Liam to and from daycare.  Once V is home he needs to shower, often Liam needs a bath....you know, all the normal things.  V typically puts Liam to bed and I read to him.  But I digress, V got a real hands on understanding of all I do and is very appreciative. :)

Hopefully I won't have to make too many over night trips in the near future, being away from my little guy was hard....I have so enjoyed all the extra snuggle time! :)  Next up are Liam's One Year Pictures, then his First Birthday......(he'll be 11 months next week!)...please time slow down!

Much Love,
Jen

On My Auto Immune Disease...An Update

Yesterday I had another appointment with Dr. T.  Or so I thought... I arrived at the lab a few minutes early for my blood work, there was no order, I walked over to Dr. T's office to get one only to learn my appointment was mysteriously canceled.  I sat around while a couple woman ran around trying to figure it out, we all know by now I get anxious about my appointments...this didn't help but in similar situations I always tell myself "we are all just humans, mistakes happen, as long as it can be resolved then no harm no foul."   Orders in hand I headed to the lab to wait an hour.  Thankfully I managed to be-friend one of the receptionists, she noticed I'd been waiting forever (45 minutes) and went back to tell them I am a oncology patient and need my blood work done now so I could make my appointment.  While I do not have cancer I am seen in the oncology department so I was ok with this and it meant I got in and out.  Back over to Dr. T's waiting room I went.  While I was waiting the practice administrator came out to introduce herself to me, she was so helpful while I was battling insurance, it was so sweet that she wanted to meet me and congratulate me on winning! It was just another few minutes before I was on my way back to an exam room.  As usual I was weighed, I've managed to maintain my weight for the last 4 months, I'm currently 14lbs below my per-pregnancy weight! Thank you My Fitness Pal! (it's free, sign up, message me and we can buddy up!)

Before I knew it Dr T came in.  I'm so thankful I get to stay in his care, even though my appointment was mysteriously canceled he took his time to talk to me about different things...like the fact that about 50% of the time when ITP is discovered and there is another associated disease existing and my fears.  I was so freakishly nervous.  Since 6 months have passed Dr T. is no longer concerned about associated diseases, he thinks I just have a idiopathic chronic case of ITP that will be intermittent for the rest of my life.  This is good news, the other associated diseases are scary....so scary (message me if you have specific questions, I'd be happy to discuss those).  He even said "I don't want to cause you to worry more by telling you this"... I reassured him I prefer the education....I'll worry anyway.  He also said I really shouldn't worry about having more children, that if I do get pregnant and my ITP worsens during my pregnancy I can do the IV treatments (this is an 8 hour treatment, in the hospital! Yikes!). I would be unable to do steroids while pregnant.  I'm still petrified of having another child.  He reassured me that he doesn't think I will ever have normal platelet numbers but I don't need them to be normal to be ok (normal is over 150k), as long as I can stay around or above 80k I can live a normal life full of the activities I love.  My numbers weren't available so I headed back to work (two hours late) and he said he'd call me.

I went to a movie with my dearest friend E. at 7pm thinking I wouldn't hear from Dr T until the next day.  Nope, I missed his call twice around 8pm.  He called me again at 9pm and again took time to talk to me.  He mentioned that I was more nervous than ever before.  He again took time to talk to me about how "this is not a death sentence, it's just annoying....you are doing very well and I expect your recurrences to be spread out over years not months".  My platelet numbers have continued to lower about 20% to 90k.  He reminded me of what to watch for and reminded me I don't need an appointment to have my blood checked, to just call him and I could go over on my lunch and be checked, he would call me.  I'm just so thankful for him, he gets me....he doesn't just brush off that "I over think this whole thing" (my words).  I have another appointment in August. (Side note, I'm no longer anemic! Yay!  I still have to stay on Iron for 3 month but that is fine.)

So it is good news, I'll probably need treatment again in the fall.  It will probably be steroids...while the side effects are rough...I prefer them because the thought of the IV treatment terrifies me (did I mention they are $10k a pop?).

I know I say it all too often but I'm really going to work on looking at the big picture and stop worrying about the little stuff.  I can't plan and control everything, or really much at all.  At the end of the day I still have a pretty great life, sure a few things could be different and better but over all I'm pretty darn blessed.


Other related posts:
My Diagnosis with ITP
What is ITP?

Much Love,
Jen

Divorce

Today I received some shocking news, some friends of ours are staring divorce in the face.  V and I used to be closer to this couple but somehow we just grew apart over the years... I'm finding it difficult to even express what I'm feeling inside.  I know of very few people who are facing this, I have acquaintances that have gotten divorced, friends of friends but no one this close to us.  They are honestly one of the last couples I would have imagined this happening to, which in part means they have been struggling in silence and alone and that absolutely breaks my heart.  Even more worse is the fact that they have a child who is less than a year old.  I won't allow my mind to speculate as to what caused this because it's none of my business, if it were I would know.  My heart bleeds for them and cries out in prayers for them.

As usual no real point to this post, just trying to get some thoughts out of my head.

A Important Note About Sleep

Note to Self:  If you do not get enough (aka 8+hrs/night) you will feel horribly sick the next day and curse yourself for it.

Yeah you guessed it, last night I stayed up, just being stubborn, even though I was exhausted.  You see I married a night owl who rarely goes to bed before oh 11-12pm, I on the other hand am a morning person who even pre-pregnancy would rather be in bed by 9:30pm at the latest.  Now that I have a babe in my belly I've noticed an increased need for sleep, duh!  Last night I should have gone to bed over and over again, I was getting increasingly grumpy from staying up yet I stayed in the living room with said night owl husband until I literally passed out.  Today I feel like utter poo and will have to cancel hanging out with friends.  It's all my own stupid fault, even more so why would I deprive the belly from the sleep it needs?!?!  Stupid!  I keep trying to get my head around the fact that I just can't go-go-go anymore but apparently it's not working.  Tonight, you betcha I'm in bed long before the night owl even considers it!

P.S. if Homer where wearing a shirt of some sort this is a relatively good representation of what I looked like last night when I finally passed out on the sofa....no joke!
 

The fear monster makes an apperiance at my work...

Apparently I’m more scared than I was willing to admit.


Yesterday one of my co-workers announced she is 10 weeks pregnant! How exciting, I am so happy for her and her family and at the idea of being on this journey with her! Our boss was so excited she cried a little, it was super sweet. However today is a new day and my boss felt obligated to tell her boss….about both of our pregnancies. First I am still super early; I don’t even have a real due date yet. I really didn’t want to tell anyone at work for several weeks, at least until after we told the rest of Vic’s family. I went in and spoke privately with my boss, I was passively trying to get her to not send the email, of course I would never ask her out right to do this, I understand her obligation but my fear was creeping up. I still haven’t had the “normal” ultrasound most women have at their first appointment, I still don’t really know when I am “due” and….I’m terrified to get bad news on Monday. As I spoke these things out loud to her I started to cry a little. I had not even told V how scared I can get. I wanted to walk about in my bliss of ignorance and just be oblivious and happy but truth be told I get scared at times, really scared. Even with all my “morning sickness” I’m so scared our baby isn’t growing. I know it’s fairly irrational but I can’t help it. And to that I’ve been at my job days less than three months and I’m roughly two months pregnant. They don’t know this baby was tried for and a true miracle so I’m sure I look a bit unprofessional, I fess up to that. I won’t qualify for any short term disability or maternity leave because my company has a policy that you must be employed a minimum of one year before using short term disability or maternity leave. By my best guess I’ll have this baby around my 11th month of employment. The best I can do is try to stay employed and store up all my paid time off between now and then. The worst part is during my first 6 months of employment here and my probationary period I am considered “employment at will status” which means my employer has the legal right to let me go at any time without reason with no legal repercussions. I’ve been reassured that my boss’ boss is a true family man and will be happy for me but the fear doesn’t subside, my boss asked him to keep this information confidential but will he? Will he really be happy for me and allow me to keep my employment here? Is my baby growing just fine?

I feel like there are so many unanswered questions and I’m so nervous. I’m doing my best to remain calm, I know this is all in God’s hands; he blessed us with this baby and will take care of us. Only four days until my ultrasound, I just pray I get good news that our baby is growing just fine. Thanks for letting me vent.

Some Random Thoughts

Hi Blog Peeps,
So this Blog Challenge has had me distracted (mission accomplished!) so I thought I'd share some random thoughts I've had recently with you.

• My dr appt is Tuesday, not next Tuesday, or two weeks from Tuesday, but this TUESDAY!  I can hardly believe we are finally taking a real step towards getting pregnant/having a baby!
• I haven't taken my temp or charted anything in a FULL month, it's been pretty nice but let's face it I'll probably start again once the baby train is in full gear, which starts on Tuesday!
• I've already told you about how V has picked our a baby girl name, I was reviewing some of the boy names he likes and several of them had meanings related to Blessing/Blessed/To Bless (like my dream a few months ago).  Lord I pray this is some kind of sign!
• I think I need to stop watching shows like "Teen Mom" and "I'm Pregnant And..." just for a little while, to focus on the here and now.
• My boss has been so great to me, it's like everyday my decision to leave my old job is reinforced more and more.
• I'm really considering doing lowlights in stead of highlights (I told you these were random thoughts).
• and cutting bangs again!
• I love my yoga class more than I can explain, it's just a little time for me.
• between that and leaving my job I have almost no stress left, thank you Lord!
• HOLY CRAP it's OCTOBER!!!!!!

Today's Emotional Status is....