August 20, 2012

I'm in Remission...

Monday morning I had another scheduled appt with Dr T (Hematologist Extraordinaire).  The day felt different from the very beginning.  For one thing I've been very sick the last week and half.  I ended up with walking pneumonia and pink eye. Fun (not).  Needless to say I was too tired to get up extra early to prepare, I slept until the last possible moment then got up and got ready as quickly as possible.  I dropped Liam off and headed to the hospital.

At the hospital I got my labs done in record time, not even enough time to worry about what I anticipated to be a rough appt.  I didn't have time to think about how I'd been in the emergency room a week before (long story, I was so sick I started throwing up and got very dehydrated) and was already told my numbers were below where Dr T wants them.  I checked in at the Cancer Center where Dr T's office is and sat with my kindle fire after a friendly chat with the world's nicest receptionist.  Moments after I found seat in the lobby three people checked in behind me, one of whom was frail thin and was trying to hide her hair loss under a cute cap.  I felt a flood of emotions for this woman and a flood of emotions surrounding my condition... what have I been whining about?!  Look at this woman, she is clearly fighting for her life and I whine about a small blood disorder! I felt like the world's biggest jerk.  I couldn't focus enough to read my book.  I was ashamed of all the fear I've had over the last 11 months, totally and completely ashamed.

It wasn't long before I was called back, weighed, had my blood pressure checked and was waiting for Dr T.  This wait took longer than usual.  I sat alone in the exam room attempting to read my new book "Wild".  Time seemed to drag on, but apparently it was with good reason.  When Dr T came in he almost immediately said Your number is 308k!! (Normal is ~150k, I had been at 70k just one week before)  He looked at me, seemingly waiting for me to be jubilant.  My reaction?  Huh. Wait, WHAT!?!? What does that mean?!   Apparently your immune system can go haywire or bounce back very suddenly.  Our discussion was short and sweet while he did a routine exam.  I don't need follow up, people in remission don't need further care, I am no longer considered to have ITP.  He expects my numbers to level out and stay normal.  I just kept saying this is not at all how I expected today to go! My husband is going to have a heart attack!  Dr T walked me out, shook my hand and told me I looked great.  On the way out of the hospital I called V balling to tell him the news, he was as shocked as I was.

Unfortunately I had to head straight to work, I shared the news with my co-workers and boss.  It was neat to see the shock on their faces.  All throughout the day I tried my best to process this.  I took time to thank God and tell him I wasn't ungrateful but surprised, very surprised.  That is the part that makes me saddest.  I never ever expected this to happen.  I never asked for it, my reasoning was that God doesn't always heal people, even when they ask.  I told people that I was thankful to not look sick, or feel sick and I was ok living with for the rest of my life.  It never occured to me that it was even an option for me to get better, but why not?  Why wouldn't God heal me?  I can't explain why I felt this way but I'm sad about it.  In retrospect it really bothers me that I never considered it an option for God to heal me, even when friends and loved ones suggested it as an option I quickly countered with what I thought was "reality".  Ye of little faith.

Being free of this disease changes a lot of things, it opens the door to possibly trying for another baby, someday.  I feel like I have a new lease on life.  I'm so thankful, so very thankful.  All the praise, honor and glory to God!


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