Calmness and Peace {Dr. Appt}

Last week I had my first annual exam with my ob/gyn since having Liam....you remember Dr. Wonderful, yes?  Dr. Wonderful is an amazing doctor.  I know far too many women to dislike, even hate their ob/gyn and it saddens me.  The person who brings your child into this world should be wonderful to you, I wish everyone had a doctor like mine.

I sorta looked forward to my check up.  Crazy huh?  Compared to my visits with Dr. T (Hematologist extraordinaire) an annual is a walk in the park!  Plus I'm nearly 15lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight, I've managed to maintain this weight for around 6 months and I'm darn proud of myself for it.  Also I love Dr. Wonderful's staff, they are equally as wonderful!  I walked in and the receptionist immediately says to me "You cut your hair!"  I was shocked that she even remembered me let alone my hairstyle after a year.  Love.

After confirming all my info and signing in I sat with my kindle fire hoping to read a bit of my newest book (Wild by Cheryl Strayed) before being called back.  Two clearly pregnant women were called back and shortly after so was I by my favorite nurse.  Happiness.  Nurse D and I caught up while I was weighed and had my blood pressure taken, she told me to strip down to nothing but the cape she pulled out and Dr. Wonderful would be right in.  I picked up my kindle after stripping down hoping Dr. Wonderful would have to do a few ultrasounds and I'd get a few pages in.  No such luck one page in and knock-knock.

Perhaps I have a strange bond with Dr. Wonderful but I was glad to see him.  He's older than both V and I, at least old enough to be either of our parents, maybe mid-50s?  He's easy to chat with but gets right down to business.  Boob exam, ugh I hate them but they are a necessary evil.  I brought up my ITP diagnoses and Dr. Wonderful delicately said "Hmm do you have future pregnancies planned?" I twisted my mouth a little and said "no..."  He seemed ok with that answer.  I couldn't help myself "I can't help but notice you didn't argue with me on no more babies, it's for the best isn't it?"  Dr. Wonderful "Well.  It's a bigger decision for you to possibly expand your family.  But it's a tough decision to be taken from you.  You could have more children, we could treat you and manage your ITP but it means more steroids.  I have some articles for you, I'd like you to be educated before you make a final decision.  I like that you are on Mirena, it's a good birth control for you as it prevents periods since you risk heavy bleeding."  The rest of our conversation was about my half marathon and how proud of my Dr. Wonderful is.  He kept saying "You look great!  Your working out, your organized, you're WEIRD!"  I just laughed.

After my exam I dressed and met Dr. Wonderful to get the article he mention and a rx for an inhailer for my asthma.  He again congratulated me on doing so well, told me I looked great and said "Well, see ya next year!"

After I left I could have returned to work for an hour but decided to take that time for myself, well kinda, I wanted to get some stuff cut up for dinner and change into comfy non-work clothes.  I wondered around my silent home picking up things and thinking about my appointment.  I had this wonderful sense of calm and peace.  I was thinking to myself while cutting up ingredients for dinner "If I could have one thing, anything, what would it be?  More time.  More time with Liam and V, with my friends and loved ones.  If I do get pregnant and my ITP goes haywire I truly could die and I would not get more time with anyone.  I would make a choice that would screw up the one thing I want most; more time with those I am already blessed to have.  Yeah, no more babies is the right choice for us.  Hopefully one day it won't sting as much but it's the right thing."  There were no tears which is rare.  In my hearts of hearts I want another child...a sibling for Liam, but more important than that is cherishing what I already have.  I put all the prepped ingredients in a bowl and headed off to pick up my sweet Liam.  I hugged him extra close and thanked God for him with tears in my eyes.  I am beyond blessed just to have him and get to be here to be his mom.

In about a week I have my next appointment with Dr. T (Hematologist extraordinaire), I'm anticipating treatment since I believe my platelet numbers have held the same pattern they have since being diagnosed last September.  Right now I feel good about it, I feel like I know what to expect and I have a lot of pride about accomplishing my first half marathon. 

Much Love,
-Jen

The Day After {My First Half Marathon}

Today has been slightly surreal.  It's hard to believe that yesterday really did happen.  When my alarm went off at 6am I was completely confused and really wanted another hour of sleep!  Putting my feet to the floor was slightly painful and I was a bit stiff but I didn't have time to be stiff-life was calling!  I showered and got ready for work before Liam was awake (typical day), not gonna lie I was hobbling around!  I specifically chose to wear a dress to work and dressy sandals so I didn't have to deal with pants and heals.  After Liam was up we all ate breakfast and before we knew it the time had come to head out.

The work day was long and short all at once.  My boss and co-worker also did the half marathon (my boss did her first half marathon last year and my co-worker did her first full last year).  For every one minute of work we did we talked about the race for eight minutes, it was really funny!  My boss commented several times that we were all still on a runner's high! I could tell my body wasn't handling sitting at a desk all day well; it craved a walk, some stretching, salad and sunshine.  No dice.  Thankfully we all did go to lunch and enjoyed some Mexican food which also meant a short walk in the sun.

Finally quitting time rolled around, I thought for sure I could at least get Liam out for a quick walk right when I got us home.  No dice again, it starting to thunder before we even got around the block.  After feeding all of us, Liam needed a bath and suddenly it was 7pm and Liam was exhausted so we put him to bed.  Freedom!  V totally understood and set me free!  I went to Target and just wondered around.  I emerged to cooler temps (it had been upper 90's earlier in the day).  I returned home and walked around our neighborhood, it felt so good to just walk!  After a while I was missing my hubby so I went home and snuggled until bed time (well, I blogged just before heading to bed, wink-wink).

The funny thing is I sorta feel like I did last summer, right after having Liam.  My priority (second to taking care of my family) is listening to my body, I'm eating what I feel called to eat and, when possible, just doing what will help it heal.  I feel great now, I'm super happy and proud of this accomplishment....and just might be already planning my next (much shorter) run/race.  Hehe!!

Nighty-Night!
Jen

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

On Reality Checks

from google images

God hands me little reality checks, and I need them.  Lately I've gotten a series of them, gently reminding me that things could be much worse and to be thankful for what I have.  I don't know about you but I never get one little reality check at a time, it seems when it rains it pours.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still just observing my life and so many around me are going through something so difficult and I'm helpless.  I stand there with a heavy heart, empty hands that are clinched in prayer yet I feel so helpless.  Parents are struggling with their children's illnesses (cancer) while trying to manager their own (cancer).  Marriages are failing apart, two of my co-workers are in the middle of nasty divorces as is a close friend.  I could go on and on, my heart breaks for friends/co-workers etc.

I don't consider where I am in my life perfect but I have so much to be thankful for....and it's time to be mindfully thankful each day.

Today I am thankful for my son's health and my God's grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9
“My grace is sufficient for you."

Much Love,
Jen

Search Words

I'm that nerdy blogger who wonders who is reading me (if anyone) and how they found me.  I randomly check my stats and rarely find anything out of the ordinary until this afternoon.  Today when I reviewed the search words that lead to my blog I was humbled.  Two of the most common words searched that lead to my blog are:

Miracles
I've seen Miracles Just Happen

I don't know what kind of miracles these people are looking for or if they are simply looking for a glimmer of hope.  I recall many-a-time when I was so desperate for some hope in our trying-to-conceive journey, I read so many blogs, several I still follow.  Is this the miracle these people are seeking, I don't know but whatever kind of hope they are looking for I pray from the depths of my soul that they find even the smallest amount here.  Liam is a miracle baby, my journey through the whole autoimmune disease thing feels like a miracle to me.

I believe in miracles, I believe they happen everyday and all around us if we are willing to see them.

Miracles Happen

I had forgotten about this post until today, one where I spoke about a dear friend (we actually grew up together), who was told she wouldn't be able to have anymore children without serious medical intervention....then she got pregnant with almost no medical intervention (she was only on metformin).

Her little boy just turned two months.  I've seen miracles just happen(song)!

-Much Love
Jen