It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Liam is One Year Old

One year and two days if your counting. ;) Thrusday I was in full sappiness mode!  Each time I glanced at the clock I knew exactly what was going on at that time last year, I was full of joyful tears all day!  I simply couldn't wait to scoop up my baby and kiss him!

It's hard to believe I've been Liam's mom for a year now, well really more like almost two years (personally I believe life begins at conception so I've been a mom since Oct '10). I digress, I've been a mom now for a little while, it's hard to remember life before him.  We wanted a child, we tried for a him, we prayed for the blessing of a child.  And when we did get pregnant we weren't certain my permanency would make it so I spent each day loving on this little baby inside of me just praying I would have a "outside baby".  Being a mom is a challenge, it makes you grow in new ways and if your priorities weren't in line to begin with they will be rapidly!  It wasn't a difficult change for me, I was so ready but I had a lot to learn!  Luckily Liam had never been a newborn before so he didn't know I was still figuring a few things out! ;) I've learned to love in new ways and I certainly love more than I ever thought possible, each day my love grows.  I often think I can't love him anymore then the smallest thing will happen and my love grows wider and taller and fuller, it's taught me so much about the love of our creator.

It's funny how proud of him I get over funny things like standing.  I giggle a little to myself over this pride, I find myself cheering him on, out loud, Good Job Buddy!  Yay Liam!!!!  And he loves it, he'll stand and sit a thousand times if I cheer him on, it's hobby both of us enjoy.  I recently taught him to put smaller items inside of larger ones (cups), the other night he decided to put away his bath toys, he'd pick up one and put it in the basket we store them in.  One by one he put away about half of the toys.  I was so amazed!  Here is this little person that one year ago couldn't hold up his own head and now he's putting his bath toys away! WOW! My how time flies!

I cherish these moments, I try desperately to live in them, store them up in my soul to keep forever.  Motherhood is such a incredible blessing, my soul has new purpose and more love than it can possible hold.  I love each phase but I'm so excited for the next one.  I feel so blessed!

Much Love,
-Jen

A year ago today I was in labor....

It's hard to believe.  I've spent the whole day glancing at the clock and remembering exactly what was going on at that time one year ago today.  (You can read Liam's birth story here.)  I'm finding it difficult to put into words the emotions I've experienced today but it's been wonderful to look back on.  I'm literally sitting  crying as I type and re-type this trying to find the right words to express the joy I have because of this little boy, the happiness he's brought to my life in the last year and what a blessing he is and I can't.  There are no words to express how much I love him, how much I love being his mom and how I would do anything, literally anything, for him.   All I can say is I believe in miracles, I know they happen because I'm a mom and when you look at me [medically] on paper I probably never should have been able to have a baby and I do, I have the most amazing baby boy on the planet and I am the luckiest momma there is.  One year ago today my life changed forever because I was in the process of welcoming my son.


Much Love
-Jen

Guilana & Bill (the show)

Spoliers!

This season V and I started watching Guilana and Bill on Style Network, it's about Guilana on E! news and her husband's journey through infertility and life.  It's a cute little show, in the season premier they find out that their first attempt at IVF worked.  Last night we were watching episode #2 where the look for a house and are all excited and what not.  I had seen some interviews with them (and also the preview for the rest of the season) that reveals that they loose the baby at about 8 weeks.  Last night at V and I are watching it he comments on how happy they are and I say "yeah it's too bad they loose the baby."  he literally turns to me in shock and is like "what? that sucks."  I know what you are thinking, "and your point is?"  Allow me to explain, you have to interpret V, what he really meant was "oh my gosh, how very sad! wait that can happen?!?!"  We went on to talk about how they continue trying to have a baby etc.  The thing is I am glad V and I had this mini-talk, I think it opened his eyes in a real way as to why I still don't to share our info.  I think it solidified our choice to wait a little longer, it was actually super sweet, V proceeded to come over and talk to the baby through my belly button.  Makes me totally happy.  13 days until we can hear/see the heart beat!

Tomorrow should be interesting.

Sorry I've been slacking on the 30 blog challenge, I'll get back to that shortly. 

Tomorrow is the day we start our fertility testing, I can't believe this day is here.  I never in a million years would have thought this would happen to us but it's just our journey so no reason in complaining.  Despite my tone I am excited, I'm ready and as hopeful as ever, I have full faith that God will provide us with a child to love!  V wants me to test in the am and I will, I just hate seeing those negatives (hopefully it will be our last!). 

So if you happen to have any spare prayers I would greatly appreciate them!

Two things I must share!

Hi my blog peeps, I have two stories I have to tell you.

First I feel like a small miracle has happened!! As most of you know I left my really stressful job almost two months ago, I took a pay cut but it's been so worth it.  Thankfully I learned my new job has amazing benefits that have already kicked in (they will cover our infertility treatment!).  Something I haven't told you is that I feared we'd only have these benefits for as little as one month because my company had been purchased (I was aware of this when I interviewed for the position), the FCC has finished the final paperwork and changes to anything could start as early as November of this year (meaning we could loose our amazing insurance shortly after getting it).  I was terrified of our insurance changing because it would limit our ability to get infertility treatment.  I've been praying and asking God for simple/small miracles, "please let us keep this insurance."  Today I got to work and learned we would keep all the same benefits through 2011. THANK GOD!!!

On to this evening, I was out to dinner with my childhood friend (you remember her sister Jamie passed away suddenly last summer) and another friend K & her girlfriend.  Long story short I was asked how the whole baby journey was going and started crying.  I  shared with them about my dr appt next week and infertility testing/potential treatments.  Little did I know K and her girlfriend want to have children and have been looking for information on how to go about fertility treatments in our area!  It ended up being a really great conversation and now we can support each other on our journeys to being mommies!  I feel so blessed.  I feel like this really is why God has us on this journey so we can open up to people and make them not feel so alone on this journey. 

Forget overflowing my cup is drowning.

I hope you are having a great night peeps!

Dear God...

Dear God,

I'd really like to be pregnant now or at least soon, to be carrying V's child and preparing for a life of parenting said child.


Thanks,
Jen





Sorry, just had to get that out.


Some days I'm great at waiting for my dr apptointment, some I'm not....today is a not day. I'm to the point where I am down right anxious to have a plan and attack it. Yes attack it. I'm done with our break, I'm done not knowing what is going on, I'm done wondering what tests we will have to do (and done trying to keep myself from over thinking about said tests and outcomes) I'm done here at this emotional fork in the road. I've accepted I need treatment to become a mother and make V a father. I'm more than ready to move on and take that first step on this journey.


Like I said in an earlier post, V and I have started to open up about our journey to a few select people, and recently had V's dad ask the elder board of our church to pray for us. I must admit it was odd going to church last weekend, just knowing that people know. I didn't catch anyone looking at us differently or anything so that is good. I confided in a good friend (who also happens to be our associate pastor and my dear friends husband) about this whole journey, he urged me to also share with our small group....however I'm just not ready for that step. I don't want to just open the flood gates, this is still a very private journey and while I'm positive we will open up totally at some point, that point or step is just not this moment.



I've always said this whole thing is one step at a time, one day at a time. It feels that way more than ever right now. One day, one step at a time on this journey. I'm done on this step. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road, just about to take the first step on this, our new journey. Please Lord, bless my footsteps and guide me.

Opening Up

If there is one thing you should know about me, it's that once I start thinking and talking about doing something I am pretty close to acting on it.

So on Sunday morning I decided to ask V's dad about how to have the elders of our church pray for us without giving them all the details of our trying-to-make-a-baby-journey, since he is one of the elders I figured this was the most logical route. Before the sermon started he offered me a few options that were fine but intimidating, then after the sermon he said "if it would be easier you can tell me what to say and I'll talk to them for you, that way you don't have to field questions." This was great, I was holding it together pretty well emotionally, then I said "this sucks" and started to cry, I looked over and V's dad was crying too. It broke my heart to see how sad this whole thing makes him and V's mom. We hugged but I needed out of there before we had a million questions. V and I escaped to the car where I promptly lost it. My heart broke. Soon we arrived home and just hugged it out. Poor V didn't know what to do, he's a man's man and wants to fix things so this whole thing is hard on him. I was instructed to change into jammies while he made me lunch.

A few hours later I got a call from a high school friend I'm still in touch with, she recently "accidentally" got pregnant after admitting to me she was "baby-crazy", the cherry on top? She doesn't know who the dad is, only has "a fairly good idea". Great. I decided to answer her call anyway. Apparently her supposed baby-daddy is being a jerk. She knows a tiny bit about what we are going though, we both cried at our situations. Turns out we could both use each others support.

That evening I was scheduled to be the lead infant teacher, I was both excited and nervous but felt obligated to go so I went. I arrived a little extra early so I could listen to worship for a little bit. Before I had left for church I did a facebook status about being sad and making cake to remedy my sadness. Well I start walking back to the kids area and my friend/pastor stops me to ask about my cake....ut oh....this was code for "whats going on?" I tried to shrug it off so he directly asked me how I was and how he could pray for me. This is not a friend I am capable of telling a white lie too, I respect him too much. So I let the cat out of the bag, he gave me a big hug, I wiped away my tears and confessed I was about to be late to spend time with the babies. It means so much to me to know he'll be praying for us. I got to the children's ministry area and we only had two babies (less than 13 mos) for the night! Perfect! One little one was sleepy and grumpy and just wanted me to hold him, I gladly obliged. He was so sweet, I loved every moment of holding him, I'm shocked it didn't sting a little after the fact, but it ended up being a wonderful and lifted my spirit so!

V and I have talked and decided to slowly let the cat out of the bag with other close friends. We won't always tell everyone and will only tell them simple truths (not so much details). We just feel we need the support and others will benefit from it too. This won't be a easy journey but there's no changing it so we choose to embrace it.

An Emotional Jounrey on an Elliptical

This Saturday morning I decided it was time again to make use of my gym membership, the one that has collected dust most of the summer. I slept in, ate, watched some tv and then headed off.

Luckily it was a quiet day which allowed me my choice of equipment, since it had been a few weeks I decided cardio would be best. I warmed up on the treadmill but quickly grew bored so I moved to the elliptical trainer. Boy was I in for a journey.

I was listening to a song by John Waller called "While I'm waiting" and it hit me hard. I put it on repeat and allowed myself to journey in deep emotionally. Soon I was having a silent conversation with myself concerning all this baby makin' stuff. It went a little like this:

(question/statement, reply)

I think V and I need to ask our pastors and elders for prayer about all this stuff.

EK! How would we do that? It seems scary!

After church maybe?

NO everyone will see you crying and ask questions!

ok, In an email? But which pastor do you ask first? How do we ask the elder board to pray for us? Can we email them?

Ek! What if we have to tell them I'm not having a period which equals not ovulating etc?!?! I really don't want to explain that to a bunch of men!

I don't think they will make us explain it

*tears start to well up*

Ok, ok we are in public lets try to be rational, k?

ok

Seriously though, should we ask now or wait?

Well if it's on our minds now....I dunno...I'm scared

Do you think they will talk about it, like have conversations about it?

That makes me nervous.

What if the treatments never work?

Do not think like that!

I feel sick!

Are you breathing?

uummm

Then breathe!

Ok!

(Song: I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step with obedience)

What does that mean?

(song: I will worship while I'm waiting, I will service you while I'm waiting)

check, I'm totally serving like I know I should

(song starts over; I am waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful. I am waiting on you Lord though it is painful. I will wait. But patiently I will wait. I will move a head bold and confident, taking every step with obedience. While I'm waiting I will service you, while I'm waiting I will worship, while I am waiting, I will not fade, I'll be running the race, even while I wait.)

I'm confused, are you confused?

This sucks

I wanted to share this with you because I know I have readers going though the same things I am. I'm sure you are asking yourself the same questions (maybe with friends instead of pastors). My point is this is a lonely journey and no answer is right. We need to support each other. I am here for you and I hope you will be here for me.

On a side note I find interesting. I realized as I am falling asleep last night that our testing appointment is exactly 11 months to the day that we start trying. Pretty interesting.

Sometimes the Truth hurts.

Yesterday V and I went to church, like we do most Sundays. We've been going to the same church since before we started dating (that was early 2005). It's a good place that has become home and family for both of us. All churches experience growth, good times and bad and change and through it all we've always felt like it was the place for us. Even when the senior pastor changed and a good portion of the staff was laid off due to the recession. We can trust the staff and believe whole hearted in what is taught there. I guess what I'm trying to say is I always hear something, every weekend that makes me grow a little and we think that is super important in any church or place of worship.

This weekend was no exception. Our pastor spoke on James 5:7-11 and the message was about struggling and how sometimes you have to struggle to learn what God whats you to and to achieve his plan for you. I won't lie, part of me was like "??" But as our pastor went on to explain; struggling can be about active patience like a farmer with grain (not picking it too early so that you will benefit most from the fully rip grain stock), it's about nurturing and waiting and growing and then when the time is right you are harvested and fulfill what is planned for you. But another part of that is not grumbling and how grumbling (or complaining) is considered sinful. Again I was like "??" but when you grumble and complain you are really questioning God's will, plan and ultimately God himself. Also you are grumbling against those who have NOTHING to do with your suffering. (flash to me remembering grumbling about "she's pregnant now, how unfair!" and the message hits home). Instead of grumbling you need to humble yourself and wait on God's will and perfect timing.

Just another time where God is reinforcing that this TTC road V and I are on is his will. It's hard but we must remember not to grumble but to humbly turn to God and pray and wait for him to reveal his perfect timing when he will make us parents. (please note we believe God can and does act through modern medicine so we will still be going for testing in Oct and if treatment is recommended we will pray about it and do it if we feel it is right.)

I won't lie that message stung a little but I think sometimes the truth has to hurt to make us grow, ya know. I hope this touches you like it did me, and if you want a link to the actual message I would be glad to send that to you so you can get the full effect and not just my brief overview.

A year ago this weekend...

I apologize in advance if this is poorly written, it comes straight from my heart and I have choose not to edit it. Warning, this is a very sad story. love, Jen

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As I drove home tonight from yoga it occurred to me, how could I forget, it's a year ago this weekend that this whole journey V and I are on started.

One year ago this weekend I walked into the ICU with V to see his coworker who had a very serious accident at work and (long story short) I ran into a very old friend whom I'd long lost touch with. From out of no where she called out to me, I turned around (not yet knowing it was her) and saw her crying so hard. She barely whispered "Jen, it's Jamie.....she's dying, all the family are on the way, we need you."
Here's the thing, I'd long lost touch with all these people years ago, they were my childhood friends and we'd simply lost touch. Within hours Jamie's mom, aunt and sister where in from around the state and the country. Soon all of her family would assemble. I was unsure if anyone would recognize me, I'd try to meet their gaze as they walked up to me, each of them knew immediately who I was and would literally cry out "Jen" and fall into my arms. These are people who saw me through my worst times of childhood. Jamie's sister had gone into the army and served two tours in Iraq, the rest of her siblings had moved across the country, we all simply grew apart. Now, sadly, we were being slammed back together. I know with out a ounce of doubt that God himself put me in that hospital that night.
I don't actually recall how V got home that night, what he ate or did for days, from the moment I heard my friend say "we need you" I did not leave the hospital but for a moment to run home, shower and nap for a few hours during the night when we weren't allowed at Jamie's bedside.
Eventually the long weekend would end, I attempted to go to work on on what I can only assume was Tuesday. My boss, being the amazing man he was understood I needed a moment's distraction but would leave at a moments notice. And I did, after 3 or 4 days (what seemed like months) on life support, Jamie had failed the final test, she was legally, officially dead. Her soul no longer inhibited her body and they were going to take the machines off of her and allow her to go. My dear childhood friend called me pleading for me to return to the hospital (only that morning she pleaded with me to go to work it would be ok). Thank you Jesus the hospital was only minutes away.
I don't actually recall falling to the floor at work in tears (a coworker was so concerned she didn't want me to drive) or calling my mother-in-law to my side for support. I remember speeding to the hospital, parking and running as fast a my legs could carry me to the ICU where Jamie would pass.
The waiting room had been full, literally full of her friends and coworkers (Jamie was in the Army National Guard and had a VERY bright future ahead of her). It was only a matter of minutes after my return that it was official by the hospital's standards. Just when you don't think you can cry anymore it hurts like it's brand new.
I don't know how many days went by before I had to drive to my hometown (just a few hours away yet a lifetime since I have not returned there in almost a decade) for her funeral. The funeral home overflowed with people, Jamie was only 21 but it felt like the town had to shut down in order for everyone to observe her fair well. Hundreds of people gathered.

In the days, weeks and months that passed I began to asses my life more closely. V and I had wanted children but more on a "in a few years" timeline, maybe after we had a house etc. Until Jamie died. You see up until then I had only lost my grandfather, he was old and sick and it was his time, sure it hurt but not like this. No one expected Jamie to die. Suddenly my eyes were open to how brief our existence is, how little control we really have. Suddenly I wanted children now. I let my new feelings linger for a while, V and I had many talks to make sure I wasn't acting out of fear but true desire. V had always wanted children, since he's almost 10 years older than me it was always up to me and on my timeline when we had them. We agreed to wait until Christmas to start trying and we weren't going to tell anyone.

You changed my life forever Jamie, you are still so missed.

Making the most of my time!

This morning, for the first time in a really long time, my alarm didn't go off ( I forgot to set it last night) so when V's went off 1/2 hr later than I usually temp I took my temp and thought "does this really matter?" I thought about it on and off for most of the day, this cycle is shot... so what's the point of continuing to temp every morning? I came home after work and put my VIP Fertility Friend membership on hold and talked to V. We decided to just enjoy the next four weeks until my appointment in October. After that we'll have a game plan of what tests we need to do and that will tell us what treatments my dr will recommend and together we'll establish a plan. Then we can focus on our plan but right now those efforts are wasted and I can feel us both needing a break to just enjoy each other without the pressure of everything. I am so excited, I already feel even more relaxed. It feels like a breath of fresh air and weight off both V and I. No more waking up early, even on the weekends, to temp, no more scheduling intimate time, no more looking at my chart eleventy million times a day.

I'm also tossing around the idea of being more open about what V and I are facing with our friends/family. As of right now a very select few friends and family know about what we are going through (and my peeps on here). Perhaps after we know more, maybe after the testing when we have a plan. I know it will help others, but I also know that many won't be supportive and some will judge. Some will embrace our choice to get treatment others will probably go as far as to stop talking to us and start talking beyond our backs. Lots to pray about.

Right now I'm just excited to go back to my old workout routine, relaxing about our baby-making journey and enjoying this time with V.

I hope things are going good with you peeps!

Praying Specific Prayers

I'm reading this book you probably never heard of called "Eat, Pray, Love" Hopefully it will gain popularity soon....oh wait....anyway. I'm currently in the middle of the Pray section, it's a bit slow going for me, I'm hoping the Love part is as good as the Eat part.

While the author's "spiritual" beliefs do not line up with mine (nor do they have to) I do think she has some rather valid points relative to faith. The beginning of Chapter 58 (of 108) and in the middle of the Pray section the author discusses prayer, how she has started praying for specific and deliberate prayers because "it has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy." While my prayers go to a very specific place, nay person (Jesus) I can see what she means. Later she says "prayer is a relationship, half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur?" and further "Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate." I agree, for the most part. I don't believe that my God is a wishing well, however I know for certain that he hears our prayers and will answer them (usually in "yes", "no" or "wait" in my experience). I believe it's vital to lift up specific prayers to God, and if there is only one thing on your mind, say like oh.....wanting to get pregnant...then you should lift that prayer up to him continuously, even when it's hard to pray, even when you don't want because you already asked, or he already knows lift it up anyway, pour out your heart and soul! He longs for it, for that relationship and connection! It's been my experience that he won't always answer how nor when you want to but in retrospect it's always better and perfect.

Ive been guilty of the lazy prayer, often just saying "your will God", while that is ok I have realized it's important to be specific and build that relationship with him, reaching out and asking for exactly what is on your heart. So I have been taking my won advice for awhile now, I pray continuously throughout each day, they may been just one sentence prayers and lately have been about the same topic (can you guess?) but I've been specific "God, please allow us to get pregnant this month", "God please bless us with a pregnancy this month." and so on and so forth. I wish I could tell you my prayers have been answered but I don't get know if they have (see chart now located at the top of this blog). My prayers may not be answered because God's will for me may be different but I will not regret pouring out my heart to him in this specific way.

People's Tack Less Remarks

V. has some extended family staying at the in-law's house, as best I can figure it's his aunt, her two grandchildren, a great aunt and uncle, and another aunt and uncle, grandparents and a couple I can't place within the family. In all fairness V's family is HUGE, seriously, just when I get a good grip on who is who more of them pop out of the woodwork.

I was dreading having to meet these new people, it always happens "how long have you been married? And no children yet?!?!" I didn't tell V though, he deserves to see these people, I will never stop him from seeing them, so we headed out for dinner at mom and dad in law's last night, sister-in-law is in town oh joy, sarcasm intended. She and I do not get a long, she's immature and self centered but that is a story for another time.

At some point during dinner I saw dad-in-law admiring his sister's grand-children, I could literally see the longing on his face for grand-children, not an easy thing to see, I'm sure he didn't mean to show it on his face but I saw it and it was difficult for me. Anyway I am getting to know V's aunt, she seems stuck up...commenting on someone who was recently saved wearing their cowboy hat to church and should have known better, all I could think was "Really, shouldn't you be happy this person just accepted Jesus and not care about a stupid hat!?" Shortly after dinner, I was left with all the women and the men went out on the front porch to discuss hunting and whatever else men talk about while their wives are away from earshot. V was playing with the kids, a little boy about 3 or 4 and a little girl no older than 6. His face was all lite up, you could hear him and the kids giggling through the open windows. And it happened, "So how long have you been married?" me: Sigh. "And don't most of your friends have children?" me: Sigh. I'm not sure how the question was posed but someone asked something like "When are you going to give V children?" I used my canned response of "ask Jesus." I like that response, it will shut most people up but it's not overly rude, it's just enough to say "none of your business". The woman I can't place in the family sat next to me and quietly said "You know, it took us seven years. We were filling out adoption papers when we got pregnant for the first time." I made sure to not say "Really?!?!" but instead choose "yeah, it just doesn't happen quickly for everyone but it always happens in God's time." She smiled with understanding. Mom-in-law tried to move the conversation away from the topic but it always returns there, in a joking and teasing and often painful way. I wish they knew if I could have a baby in my belly today, if I could have one in my arms right now I would but it's beyond my control. All I can do is remain hopeful and rely on God, it's all up to him....and not me.

I wish people would be more considerate when they question why couple's don't have children, and really I wish no one would ever question a couple about having children. I mean really? Why would you ask anyway, even if they don't want children, it's none of your business. People can be so tack less and their words so painful.

A post (whine) about Charting

So I've been charting for about 30 some-odd days and for the most part I like it, I have said before it gives me something to do which in turn has helped me to feel less helpless on this journey. But the over last few days my chart just been annoying. In the passed four days or so Fertility Friend has given me back my cross hairs (remember those pin point ovulation on my chart) and taken them away for the second time, I wonder if they will be back tomorrow. Who knows. I'm all sorts of confused. I'm not terribly worried about it unless this cycle heads towards the 60 day range (with no + pregnancy test). We shall see, I've placed this whole thing once again in the hands of my loving savior, he alone has true contol of over this, I am merely whining. What's new right?

While I'm here, here's a picture from the hike V and I went on with a friend this weekend, it was lovely and rather easy, too bad it started to rain, er pour, on us as we left. Oh well, we are none worse for the wear. And we even took our dogger, she LOVED every minute of it! I'm pretty blessed to have V and the dogger.

Leap of Faith and Praying

Well....I have decided to take a leap of faith, I am accepting the other job with lower pay and less stress. I ran the numbers again last week and the new job will have much better and much more affordable health benefits not to mention less stress (this after being screamed at by a coworker last week over nothing) so V and I talked and prayed and decided my emotional well being was worth the small temporary (hopefully) pay cut! *gulp*

And in other news, I think I may have ovulated this month. I won't be testing until I am certain I am late (however I decide to determine that) and so far I am planning to share with you exactly what I know when I know it. I'll keep you posted peeps. In the mean time could you pray for V and I, this is quiet the growing time for us, I've only had this one job throughout our entire marriage and we are so hoping that this is the cycle we get pregnant. And in God's hand, will and timing. Thank you in advance.

Back to Blogging about Babies and the Making Of..

I realized tonight I haven't blogged about the whole "trying to make a baby" thing in a while. That is because I'm in a new place, provera gave me a period and now we are hoping I'll ovulate on my own and either get pregnant or have a cycle on my own. Tick Tock Tick Tock

It hasn't been bad though, since using provera I feel good! I feel like I did something, this journey is difficult because there is little within your control, but I feel I'm handling it well, as is v which is important to us. I realize people are going to make comments and mean well but I will get hurt, I'm working on remembering I am in control of my reactions and my attitude. The only thing I have a really hard time with is the women who complain day and night about getting/being pregnant, I vow here and now to you to never be that woman no matter how sore/tired/bloated etc etc etc I am, when I do get pregnant I vow to be the happiest pregnant woman to have ever lived!

On another loosely related topic, it looks like I may have a new job here pretty soon. I was (secretly) terrified to take another job because I didn't want to loose our insurance coverage and have to stop trying to get pregnant and/or go back on birth control for an unknown period of time. Praise God that the position I believe I will get starts insurance benefits after just 30 days of employment!!! It feels a little crazy to even consider taking a new job and trying to get pregnant at the same time but it's what is right for us, and after I take maternity leave I will certainly return to work.

So that is where we are at, just waiting to ovulate. I've started temping in hopes that will help us see what is going on.

I know several of you are on your own baby making journey, how is that going for you?

Family Reunion Get-a-way 2010

Have I ever told you how much I love V's family? If not consider yourself told! The are a-maz-ing people and I am beyond blessed to be a part of them!

This passed weekend was V's mom's side of the family bi-annual reunion. V's grandma is one of 13 children, all of whom are still alive (the eldest is 85 I believe). Collectively they are the sweetest, kindest people on the planet! We were so excited that this time the Reunion was a mere 3 hours from us on a beautiful lake we adore. V. and I took Friday off, Mom-in-law and I got pedicures in the morning (hers are the purple with tiger stripes!) and mid-afternoon we caravaned up to the lake.

It was a beautiful drive and luckily the roads were not too crowded!

We arrived early, got all checked in and unloaded our things into our shared cabin (with mom & dad -in-law). Unfortunately V and I had to sleep on *gasp* separate bunks! It would not have been so bad but the beds were SO squeaky, no loving all weekend :( Good thing the weather and scenery were amazing or it could have been a looong weekend for me! V and his dad unloaded his fishing boat, that thing was such a hit! V had a blast taking different cousins, uncles and such out! Dad-in-law even caught a fish the first night! (a 5lb 24 incher, if you care). Unfortunately that was the only fish they caught all weekend! LOL! Here is a pic from the porche of our cabin, the guys are coming back in from one of many fishing trips.

So it was a beautiful weekend, lots of just hanging out and enjoying the family. I was on cloud nine for most of the time as there was only one toddler and no one had mentioned a thing about babies. Until the black sheep of the family (literally) cornered me and verbally slapped me for "not giving your wonderful in-laws the grand baby they deserve!" I couldn't even look at her, what did she expect to happen? Was I going to suddenly have some revelation about having children right there? Luckily V saw this happening and saved me, essentially telling her it was none of her business! I felt so weak, I had no defense, no way to respond. What could I say to her? I couldn't tell her off as if she were some stranger, though I hardly know her, I will likely see her frequently over the course of the rest of my (and my future children's lives). I was caught completely off guard and it still makes me cry just thinking about it. The worst part is a random husband of someone in the family over heard it, you could tell he had no idea what to say but could tell I was deeply hurt. By the way that lady is a mess, and I greatly dislike her now, she thinks she is the cats meow because she has a 3 mo grand-daughter....really lady? Your not-even 18 year old daughter gets knocked up by her second cousin and gets married and suddenly you are the knower of all things *angry obscenity*

Back to more pleasant things, I so enjoyed playing random games with random family members, sitting around chatting and such. This is the kind of thing I've longed for since I was a child and I know have it more than my heart can contain. I especially love V's great uncle HH. He is almost the eldest and I believe almost or at 85. We've always had a special bond. I particularly enjoyed hang out with him, he recently had surgery and while he's recovering well he hasn't been at the in town family gatherings. Other than that a fair amount of my time was spent just sitting by the lake shore enjoying God's beauty and reading my book. I recently got "Eat, Pray, Love" and I really like it. I love biographies, I love true stories! I like hearing the way other people see things or experience things (like 9/11). I'm fascinated by it. I've read some fiction and don't mind it in moderation but I just find biographies more interesting.

The weekend as a whole went by for too quickly, before we knew it we were packing up our things and looking forward to next time while we passed the time on the drive home. I so hope next time we will have a child to bring with us, not to show up the black sheep lady but because that is what my heart so desires. I would have loved every moment of waddling around with a pregnant belly or my infant/toddler. My time will come though, I know that for certain. All things in his perfect time.

A evening sky, campfire perfect for smores!

Tell me a fun story about someone in your family you love a little extra (such as great uncle HH).

Friday Ramblings

Good Morning!

I'm so excited it's Friday, and I can bet you V is as well....because Flo has left the building! Yippee! I am SO excited for this cycle, my hope it higher than ever! My hope over-flowith (is that a word?)

In addition it's one of my favorites times of the year, celebrating Independence Day!! July 4th has always been a big deal, the town where I grew up in always made a BIG deal of it. While the city V and I live in now doesn't to it up quite the same it's still a wonderful time. What a cool thing to celebrate, think how different our lives could be with out that fateful day in 1776, seriously ponder it for a moment, I'll wait. Had we never fought for and won our freedom from Great Britain ::shivers:: Anyway, there is so much going on, so many different BBQ's planned and other gatherings....I'm not certain which V and I will attend, is that horrible? I think we are those people who don't RSVP and then show up, whoops! For what it's worth I'm a huge planner and typically would be all over an RSVP and plans but I feel for this weekend I feel the need to be more....free of the restrictions of concrete plans.

On Saturday V wants to go sapphire mining, he really loves it, he's a rock hound (if you want to know what that means click here: Rock Hound Info )I will admit sapphire mining has grown on me, although it can be pricey and if you aren't careful you will end up sun burned (or if you are light skinned as I am you end up THIS color, no matter how hard you try). V wants to have a piece of jewelry made for me with some of the larger stones we've found, maybe someday. If we go I promise to take pics for you. He's taken me on some fun little adventures as I learn more about his rock hounding, some are more fun than others but I figure if it's interesting enough that he loves it I can find some interest in it as well, as his spouse I think that is one of my responsibilities.

One last ramble before I bid you fair well for the weekend. That interview I had this week went really well, in fact I was offered the job essentially on the spot....however it's a decent pay cut. While I am not the breadwinner in our home my income is important and we are having a difficult time accepting a cut of over 10%. I'm waiting to see what our health benifits would be with the job change (and if we'd have to put trying for a baby on hold until benifits kick in, very stressful!) If you pray and wouldn't mind could you think of us? I would love to have a less stressful job that is more stable with opportunity for growth, I just feel so conflicted if I should jump at this offer or wait it out. Thank you in advance. While we are on the topic if you EVER need prayers please feel free to reach out to me, I'd love to pray for you!

Have a safe and Happy Independence Day/Weekend Celebration!!!

~Hope~

The worst part about all that I am going through with our journey to family is that I am not last women who will have to deal with this. This won't be cured with me or even the next woman. That is so sad to me. But I still have so much hope, no matter what it takes or where this journey takes us. I just know the Lord will provide us with the child our heart desires. I know that God himself provided us with this desire and I know undoubtedly that it will be fulfilled. I'm learning to give up my desire to be so in control of the how and when. After all, if I'm honest with myself I'm not in control and I have never been and more so I will never be.

A week from tomorrow I have an appointment with my dr (not her assistant for once). I'll go with all my questions written out and not leave without a clear idea of her objectives regarding the medicine she wants me to take and a plan (or at minimum a general idea) for the road ahead. Should she be unwilling to provide me with the information I need to feel comfortable I will quickly have a new dr. I'm pondering having my mom-in-law come with me, even if she just sits in the lobby, I may need that strength. So many thoughts rumble through my head at this moment.

Until Next time,
~Much Love~