It Still Stings

This has been on my heart for a while and it's time to get it off.

If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year.  The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).

My baby toddler is a miracle, an absolute miracle....it's a miracle I got pregnant, stayed pregnant, delivered him safely into this world without a c-section.  He's healthy, easily the happiest person I know and just an absolute joy, even when teething.  During the 11 months I dealt with my ITP V and I came to the forced conclusion that it was best I don't have more babies.  It hurt, a lot.  I felt like the decision was taken from me (even though we weren't sure we'd try for more children before my diagnosis).  Eventually, aka about two weeks before I was told I was in remission, I came to terms with it, I even felt at peace with it.  Then on Aug  20th, nearly 11 months to the day after I was diagnosed I received news I never expected; I was in remission.  My heart lept and one of the first questions was "Do you think, if I am able to get pregnant again, that it will trigger my ITP to come back?"  Unfortunately the answer was "yes, although we have no way of knowing until it happens."  As you can imagine V wants me to stick around, Liam too.  V is not open to me getting pregnant and playing "Russian Pregnancy Roulette" as he calls it.  Who can blame him, I mean I don't want to leave him or Liam....nor risk loosing a pregnancy/baby....or my life.

But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy.  I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again.  I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman.  And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam.  Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies.  Gosh did that hurt.  There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.

I know what you're thinking: Then adopt!  Or foster!  Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever.  If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby.  Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand.  I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision.  Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love.  I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.

I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.

Goodbye Morning Nap, Hello Molars!

Holy Smokes, it's true when they say your child(ren) grow up so fast!  It feels like just yesterday Liam couldn't hold up his own head how he's a running fool!

A few weeks ago Liam started to transition out of his morning nap and like all other things so far we've let him take the lead on being ready or not.  He was clearly ready, so we had Nanna (who watches him 4 days/week) encourage it a little.  Within just two weeks he was fully transitioned, we had one little set back when he wasn't feeling so great but now we are clear on the side of no return.  And ya know what?  I'm so happy!  I know a lot of parents morn the loss of the morning nap because they fit in more "me" time or clean or whatnot and I certainly did use it as "me" time on Saturdays.  BUT this whole single two hour nap in the middle of the day is delightful!  We can leave the house for more than two hours at a time, why hello going to church!  Liam is clearly happy with the change as well.  It makes fitting a weekend workout in a little trickier for me but it's ok, I'd rather have the extra time with Liam anyway.

And in similar news the kid has a mouth full of teeth!  Seriously!  I had no idea this is how teething went!  He started in March and it's been pretty much back to back teeth!  Now he's getting molars! Molars! What?!  He doesn't seem old enough for this business!  The poor little guy, man they tell you molars are a b---h and they are!  I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he'd been so incredibly grumpy lately then I stuck my finger in his mouth, because that is what moms do....and hello THREE molars trying to come in (one had at least broken through the skin and two others are super puffy).  Duh Jen!  Gosh I felt like a bad mom, all my kiddo wanted was teething tablets!!!  And he was a saint after I gave them to him.  This whole parenting thing sure has a learning curve!

Doing Good & Running

I've wanted to get a few more races in this fall before the snow starts to fly and I'm trapped inside for months on end.  I  SO was excited when my bestie wanted to do a local 5k that benefited women who can't afford breast cancer screenings and treatment.  Last weekend we ran that 5k together and it was awesome!  We arrived bright and early, I had hoped to run the 5k with Liam in the stroller but he had started to get a cold and it was only 25 degreed that morning....no race for little Liam.  There were 1,100 women almost all of whom were dressed up, Bestie and I were Batman and Superman respectively.  We had a good time considering she recently had jaw surgery and currently had a cold (final time 34:15).  After the race we took our turn in the photo booth, got some snacks and just hung around.  What a lovely Saturday morning!

The next charitable 5k I have planned is in chilly November and it actually put on by the nurses from the Oncology Center I had to visit for my Autoimmune Disease.  The proceeds go to different types of cancer treatment etc.  It feels good to go running but it feels even better knowing the ~$25 registration fee is going to a good cause.

Now if I could just kick this cold and fit in a good run this weekend (probably not going to happen).

Happy Friday!
Much Love,
Jen