After about two and half years of marriage my husband "V" and I were enjoying a prolonged newlywed phase when my world was rocked. For the first time in my life I lost someone close to me in a very unexpected and tragic way. At just 21 years old friend Jamie's life was very suddenly ended. My mindset had been V and I would buy a house then have babies in the semi-near/distant future, after Jamie died that all changed. You see V is a bit older....er 9 years older, than me so our baby making plans have always been in my hands. After Jamie's funeral I felt a urgent desire to have children and live the life I wanted but had on hold. God really spoke to me, showing me that ultimately I am not in control of the number of my days but the amount of life I live in the days he gives.
One problem though, at age 17 I was told I likely would have trouble having children because I had PCOS. V and I took some time to rely on our faith, and pray about this new desire, to make sure I/we weren't acting out of fear but out of a real desire for chidren of our own. Three months later, also known as December 2009, we officially went off birth control and started trying. I always wondered if my PCOS diagnosis was true or not, after all I was only 17 years old when I received it. The months passed and my cycles grew longer and longer ranging from 35 to 112 days, far beyond the "normal" scope. I tried charting but it never showed ovulation for me, and I ultimately gave up after about 80 days (part of one cycle). My dr at the time wasn't being proactive and I had to almost pressure her to do anything let alone run tests (she only did prolactin and thyroid both came back "normal"). After 9 months of this with her I left her for a new wonderful dr and also left my super stressful job.
I set an appointment with a new dr who would do infertility testing and treatment if he felt they were necessary. I had to wait about two months before I could get into this new dr due to his vacation and waiting for my new (better) insurance to take over. During this time I enjoyed my new job, stopped charting, stopped scheduling sex and started eating a lot of raw veggies for snacks and started doing yoga once a week. I let go of all the trying in hopes that we would soon be doing testing and likely treament anyway. Basically I let go of it all; all my anxiety, all my trying to plan it and make it work and just left it in God's hands and waited. Those weeks dragged and sped by all at once, I know in reality it was a very short time but in my mind each day dragged, I never imagined it would really take so much for us to be parents. God saw that we needed this break badly and ultiamtely it was a wonderful and so restful. During this time my body continued to well...do nothing, or so I thought. The day of my appointment I was on cycle day 102, only my 3rd cycle in 11 months.
On the morning of my infertility appointment I took a pregnancy test per V's request....and it was positive, despite that I still hadn't had a period in well over 100 days. We were both floored and over the moon!! We cried and thanked God!! Since we had no idea how far along I could be (I hadn't taken a test in over a month) I decided to go to the appointment anyway and see if the new dr would do an ultrasound to detemine the baby's gestational age and he did. Unfortunately he couldn't find the baby, what he did find was a large mass, the size of a large orange, of "fluid" near my right ovary. He feared my pregnancy was ectopic and thus potentially life threatening. Over the course of the next few weeks I had two blood tests, to check for properly rising betas, and two more ultrasounds to see if the baby was growing in the right area and at the right speed. It was a terrifying few weeks that felt like months at the time. Praise God that each time our tests came back normal and the mystery fluid disappeared. On November 1 V and I got to see our little gummy bear looking baby measuring a great 8 weeks with a heartbeat of 174 and my dr, who had been AMAZING said the most wonderful words "we're going to treat you like a regular pregnant lady moving forward".
Today is November 20th and as Thanksgiving is fast approaching I find myself overly thankful for this crazy miracle living and growing everyday. I still can't believe I'm pregnant other than my serious morning sickness. I was thinking this morning who I'd love to have a skylight of sorts in my belly so I could check on my babe everyday, then it occurred to me....God has been teaching me so much this whole time but now more than ever he is teaching me to rely on him, trust that he's given us this miracle and that he alone is watching over him/her daily and he/she is in good hands.
I still count the days until my next appointment, and I know exactly how many days pregnant I am because each of them feels like a victory that we've fought long and hard for. Most of all everyday I thank God for this miracle and pray that his blessing falls on my friends still waiting for their blessing to start growing. I love these friends dearly and can't wait to hear their good news because it will come!
*Liam's Birth Story*
