Pull your head out of....the sand.

I should have updated earlier but alas Liam got a cold and the whole week got away from me. 

After a reality check from a dear friend I pulled my head out of....the sand....and called Dr T.  Long story short he was glad to be updated but because of the size and location he said it would be fine to wait until my next appt (10/31) to have my numbers checked.  Whew.  What in the world was I thinking?  Why must I be so stubborn.  Have I already forgotten that my first numbers were life-threateningly low?  Eff self, eff.  No matter how scary I have a responsibility first to Liam and secondly to others who love me to manage this no matter how frightening it is.  I was being so selfish.  Jen you are not an Ostrich, keep your head out of the sand.

a whisper

I need to whisper something to someone but there is no one I want to tell.  I don't want to tell my loved ones and a stranger might think I'm nuts.  I want to whisper it because I'm worried.  I want to whisper I'm bruising again....like I was before and I can't explain them...I'm worried, it's not just one or two but several bruises....  I carefully considered who would reply how and what I really need to hear right now and came up empty-handed.  I don't want to hear "it's ok, nothing to worry about." nor to I want to hear "call Dr T, get your numbers checked now."  no response will do.  I'm not going to call Dr T early (my next appt is one week from today) yet I don't want to hear it's nothing either.  I know I probably sound like a brat, maybe I am but this is how I'm choosing to deal with the situation.  I stand, almost frozen, I don't know what to do.  If my numbers are low I'll either have to re-up my daily dose of steroids or consider the next [very scary] treatment option.  I fear my treatment road is only extending instead of drawing to a close like I had my heart set.  I fear it means I really am chronically ill and will have to deal with this whole thing for much longer, that this whole crazy situation is not drawing to a close.  I'm trying hard to keep my hopes high, knowing I could be wrong but the reality of it all is hard to ignore right now. 

I've always prided myself on being able to cling to hope no matter what, today I'm barely hanging on by my finger-nails.  It's just one of those "what it rains, it pours" kind of days.

Just a vent post. 
Thanks for reading-

So...I'm gonna do a 5k....in 15 days....EK!

G'ma has Liam and asked for extra time with him AND my boss has been extra cool lately and let me leave early so I got a ton done before I would have even been off work, including a workout all with pay!  Happy Friday to me! 

Also I may have signed up for my first 5k today, its in 15 days! EK!  I may have lost the baby weight but eff am I out of shape!

So I went to the gym and thought to myself Ok, 3.1 miles, I got this, I can do this.  Yeah I ran .75 miles and had to stop.  I had to stop several times.  Really, I can't even run 3 miles!?!?! Eff.  Guess that is what I get to not working out for well over 6 months.  Ouch.  I did do the full 3 miles but it took me over an hour, due at least in part to my treadmill shut off after like 35 minute (over 2.2 miles).  I didn't know what to do, I didn't set the timer, I had to take time to clean it off and find another machine and start the rest, I moved on to my old friend the Elliptical and finished out at a slower pace.  *Side note PLEASE clean your machines after you are done at the gym, it's part of the deal, I don't want to touch your sweat any more than you wan to touch mine..  Anyway I burned over 400 calories in about an hour and did just over 3 miles so that is good.  I'm gonna try it again in the morning. 

I can't believe I'm doing a 5k, I've always wanted to be a running, guess everyone has to start somewhere.  Oh by the way it's pretty likely that we'll have snow on the day of the 5k.  EK!!!!

Sleepy Time Tea

I'm sipping sleepy-time tea out of my mug, this mug to be exact....

Life is good.

Platelets, Iron Levels and Pounds! Oh My!

Yep I got 'em.  At least some, more than I had to begin with anyway, so that's good. :) I'll keep it brief because honestly I'm sick of thinking about it.  [All said with a genuine smile.] 

I saw Dr T (yes you know, hematologist extraordinaire) on Monday, with my most recent decrease in steroids came a lower platelet number but the # is still acceptable.  My red blood cells (related to iron and anemia) are higher in quantity but not big enough physically yet, apparently this can take months so I'll take the increase in number for now.  I haven't lost any weight which Dr T seemed happy about, I mentioned I'm down to my pre-pregnancy weight and he seemed impressed so that was nice, I still want to lose a few more pounds.  The best news yet is that I go down to half a pill everyday and skip labs next week, my next appointment is on Halloween so hopefully the decrease in my steroids will be kind to me (and just maybe I'll lose a few more pounds!).

The best part of Monday was I had taken the day off to spend with Liam, my bestie aka Liam's Aunt E came with us (and Thank God, how would I get my blood drawn with a squirmy 4 month old in my arms, EK!).  Auntie sipped coffee with us while we waited and watched little Liam (who was a grumpy Gus until he fell asleep) while I did labs and met with Dr T.  I'm so thankful for her, she does so much with a smile on her face, I'd be so very lost without her, I hope she knows I genuinely mean it when I tell her that!

I don't "Diet" & Workout Post

Someone asked me if I'm dieting today at church, I laughed.  Nope.  Have I changed how I eat?  Yep, but I truly consider it a lifestyle change and not a diet.  Diets don't work (in my opinion).  Will I count calories forever? Hellz no, but for right now it's working and I'm not done yet (I want to lose another ~5lbs & tone up more).  I suppose I should take it as a compliment that someone would ask me what I'm doing but at the same time I'd hope I don't still look all pregnant and what-not considering Liam is four months old (four months, where is time going?). 

I talk about health and fitness on here a lot, at least I feel like I do, but that is because I'm passionate about it.  I so want to spend my life helping people be and become healthy.  I'm still finishing my Personal Trainer Certification (I have until December '11).  And I'm trying to work out how to do something more meaningful (and in the health field) with my life without going back to college [since I'm still paying on the student loans from my first degree].  You can clearly see my problem since I'll have to do some type of training/education to work in the health field (beyond being a Personal Trainer).

Speaking of counting calories etc I'm actually looking forward to being weighed in tomorrow when I see Dr T, I mean I might at well look forward to something about this whole thing right?  I'm not sure what I think will happen beyond that...I have two new bruises (one I can explain) so I kinda worry my numbers won't be what they need to be.  Gosh I am so sick of thinking about my platelet numbers.    Anyway my original thought was that I consider their scale to be accurate and I don't weigh myself knowing I'll be weighed on Monday mornings anyway.  I'm really hoping to break 150, we'll see.  I'm eating salads with either my lunch or dinner and snack on a ton of veggies daily, I also quit cereal that stuff is junk. (yogurt and berries replaced it). I've felt really good lately and healthy... probably more healthy than I've felt in a long time.

So while I'm here some workout updates:
10/9

• Elliptical Trainer-- Manuel Program
• Goal: Sweat! (achieved)
• Resistance: 3-4 Cross ramp (incline): 9
• 30 Minutes
• Calories Burned: 288
• Distance: 2 1/2 miles
• Mood Status: Good
• +120 sit ups (four sets of 30, variety)
• 10/13
• Elliptical Trainer--Cross Country Course
• Goal: In and out! (Boss let me off early and I could only fit in 25 mins before I had to pick up Liam)
• Resistance: 4 (can't adjust cross-ramp on this machine, boo)
• 25 minutes
• Calories Burned: 294
• Distance: 2 1/2 miles
• Mood Status: Go me, I'm covered in sweat
• 75 sit ups variety
• 10/15
•  Elliptical Trianer-Manuel Program
• Goal: kill time before yoga
• Resistance: 2
• Calories Burned: 171
• Distance: 1 1/2 miles
• One Hour Yoga I estimate ~200 calories burned
• Mood Status: Fair (I wish yoga would have been more intense, lol)

After typing this all out I'm considering challenging myself to a weekly distance goal.  I was trying to improve my minute/mile number but I can't consistantly workout so I'm sturggling with that.  Hmm I wonder if I can do 12 miles a week....I'll have to test it out this week.

Anyone else out there care to share some of your health and fitness success tips, stories etc?

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

According to something I saw on facebook to day is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day".   Why, why does this have to be?  It seems so unfair that anyone would have to suffer the loss of a pregnancy or baby, ever.  I've only had one pregnancy and obviously did not suffer a loss, I can not imagine that pain and sadness and I hate that so many suffer in that place alone. 

It really bothers me when any mother (or father) complains about their children, part of me wants to point out "at least you have a child, appreciate them!"  but I suppose that is rude, perhaps it's a wake up call they need.  I've become rather critical of parents in general since I too am one.  Now that I have Liam there is nothing, I literally mean nothing, I wouldn't do so that he can have the best present and future possible.  Among doing everything for him are the basics like...oh health insurance.  This is non-negotiable to me, yet I see several people on facebook who buy stupid shit like dirt bikes and take vacations to Vegas and yet they "can't afford" insurance for their child)ren).  Gag me.  Why don't people appreciate their children more?  I don't think I feel this way simply because it wasn't easy for us to get pregnant, I truly want to be the best possible parent, why doesn't everyone feel this way?  I feel like so many have a laze-fair (whatever happens happens) attitude and it bugs me.  These children are special miracles that so many would do anything to have, please please  treat them that way!

So tonight I held Liam closer as I rocked him to sleep, I gave him extra kisses because I have too many friends still waiting for their miracle baby.


*sorry I feel like this post was a bit random*

Four Months

Liam turned four months on Friday.  It's hard to believe, it's so silly but I love each month more than the one before, I get so excited for his new milestones and when he does the smallest thing.  I truly can't imagine my life without him!

Friday we had his four month appointment and shots.  Shots are no fun but he handled them really well.  He's 14.5 lbs and 24 inches.  At his two month appt he was in the 50%tile all around this time he's in the 30's and 40's.  Liam's Dr said it was noting to be concerned about at this time (unless he keeps going down).  He's meeting all his developmental milestones so I'm just guessing he's not going to be a super tall or big baby/toddler/child/adult etc.  I'm only 5'6 and V is about the same so chances are Liam isn't going to be a basketball player! LOL!

I have to take his four month picture in the morning, I wanted to do it today but he had a mild fever from his shots and just wanted to cuddle all day, I couldn't bare to dress him up and pose him with his sad little "I don't feel good" cry.  We spent the entire day in the house and the whole family napped on the couch for a few hours, it's actually been really nice.

Ok so milestones, Liam can roll from front to back (he started doing that at 2 months tho).  He grabs at toys and puts them directly into his mouth, he chews on his index finger (or the middle three all at once).  He likes to sit up supported, he can hold his head up while in tummy time at a 90 degree angle.  He recognizes people such as Nanna and G'ma/G'pa.  I'm sure there is more but those are the ones my tired brain can think of.

I'll add his 4 month pic in the morning, night all!

Another Dr Appt Update

Welp another Monday has come and gone and thus another trip for blood work and a visit with Dr T (hematologist extraordinaire!) has also come and gone.  This week I sorta had a bad attitude about my blood work, I'm so tired of being poked every.single.Monday.  I picked up a Carmel Latte on the way to the hospital but it really didn't make me feel a ton better, I just didn't want to get stabbed again.  It didn't help that the check-in woman recognizes me and I've been in so many times I simply smile and recite all my necessary information for her without being asked.

After having my blood taken I wondered over to the Cancer Specialists office where Dr T's office is, checked in and waited.  He must have been tied up at the hospital because he was running late (which also meant I was going to be late for work, I've only submitted one hour paid time off).  I was weighed like usual, I'm down another two pounds which is nice and headed back to exam room to wait.  Thankfully Dr T came in with good news again, my platelet numbers are steady!  Last week he said he wouldn't be lowering my steroid dose but this week he told me to take one full pill on even days and a half pill on the odd days!  He also pointed out that I'm very anemic, guess I don't do anything half-assed! LOL!  He wants me on two Iron pills/day for at least a year.  Gr-eat.  Then he said he wanted to see me back next Monday again.  I was so disappointed, I really hoped I'd be able to go at least two weeks in between appointments but I smiled and he did his physical exam (checking for lumps and bumps in my lymph nodes).  Before I knew it he was walking me out.  All in all generally good news and for that I'm grateful.

I have to remind myself to be thankful because it could be so much worse, the other patients Dr T will see have cancer, I do not.  I am responding well to the steroid treatment, I feel great and can barely feel any side-effects of the steroids these days.  But it still stinks, I've had blood work and spend every Monday morning in the Cancer Specialists [of my state] office.  People keep asking me why I don't ask Dr T when I can stop coming in every week and honestly I'm not sure I can handle the answer right now.  What if he says every Monday for a year? Or worse, what if he can't give me an end date?  Even though I am healthy hearing that would make me feel chronically ill, it will scare me and make me sad.  I prefer to take it one week at a time.  Each week I take the good news and pull it in close and try hard to just enjoy the small things each day.  Today I'm healthy, I feel good, I have amazing family and friends and the cutest little boy around.  Today is a good day.

Go me!

I've mentioned before how I'm trying to loose and keep the baby weight off. Breastfeeding was amazing for this but now that I don't have that to rely on I've had to find other tools. I've also mentioned before that I use an app on my ipod touch by myfitnesspal.com, and I love it! (link to app HERE, link to website HERE) I've been using it for about two weeks and it's really helped me stay on track! Don't get me wrong, if I really want ice cream I'm gonna have it, even if I don't have any calories left, thankfully I've only done once! ;) Each day I log everything I eat, this helps me see when I'm eating too much of something (carbs) or too little of something (protein) and I can adjust mid-day. I try to get to the gym once or twice a week, if I absolutely can't make it to the gym I do my Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga DVD at home for 20-35 minutes twice a week.

So why am I jabbering about all this? Because tonight I'm super proud of myself! Tonight V and I had a planned date night. I had an hour before V got home from work (Liam was with G'ma) so I threw in my Biggest Loser Yoga DVD for a quick 30 min yoga session, just as I finished up V got home and but one pair of "after maternity" jeans were still in the wash. I had no choice but to see if one of my pre-Liam pairs would fit. I pulled the stack of jeans from the darkest part of my closet.....gulp. Then I saw them, my favorite pair, the ones I assumed I'd never fit into again. Dare I try??? V came in just as I was slipping them on and mumbling that this was probably a bad idea....then it happened....they slide up my thighs with ease, and zippered AND buttoned with no problem!!!! WHAT!?!? Can you see me strutting around the bedroom? I giggled and said to V "you have one hot wife!!!!" to which he replied "yes honey I DO!"

I am so proud of myself! I've worked for this! Whether my weight gain was mostly swelling or not I feared never loosing it, I feared keeping it on and being unhappy with my body. It's no where near the same shape but it's getting better and better and I'm proud, I feel good, I feel healthy. It's just a really nice feeling! So ya know what? Go me! Way to go self!

Let the good news pour in!

As you know, because I've said it seventy-billion times at this point, I saw Dr T (hematologist extraordinaire) again yesterday...and I received more good news!  My numbers are actually normal!  We didn't expect this to happen so this is beyond good news!  On top of that I get to move down to one steroid pill per day, apparently this will be my "long term" dose but I'm so excited!  Three pills made me feel like hell, two pills and I could manage pretty well, one pill is going to be heaven!  I didn't ask what "long term" meant because I was just so happy, Dr T is really excited about how well I've responded and has good hopes that I'll be able to maintain acceptable numbers (even if they are below normal).  Apparently I'm anemic so I need some iron pills but I am so ok with that!  The only down side of yesterday's appointment was Dr T mentioning my weight was fluctuating (it has bounced around up and down ~3lbs during all my appts), I mentioned I've offically lost my baby weight but think I've platued....yep you can blame the steriods for that, they "will make it slightly more difficult to loose additional weight".  Note to self, becareful to maintian the progress you've made.

To celebrate I went out and changed my hair last night, I'm naturally a dirty blond (pun intended, wink wink, LOL!)  but I've wanted to do a warm brown with some light pieces forever so last night I went for it!  I really like it, I'm sure it will fade a little and V will like it more, poor guy....he saw a picture of me from high school where my hair was to the middle of my back, thick and blond and he's never let go of hopes that would return (it won't my hair was so heavy I'd get head aches and it's not nearly as thick anymore).  Good thing he loves me no matter the length of my hair!

I have a few friends out there waiting on some good news to come their way, I'm praying my butt off like usual and just waiting for more good news to come pouring in!  Love you friends!

Roughly One Year Ago....

In an effort to distract myself this morning I intentionally went back and read my posts about this time last year. 

One year ago I was scheduled to start infertility testing, which turned into a positive pregnancy test (unforunately we spent weeks fearing the pregnancy wouldn't make it).  We got a little good news, when my betas kept raising the way they should and I starting getting normal pregnancy symptoms and then the best day ever; when we saw the baby's heartbeat. 

I get to snuggle my sweet baby this morning, he is my world to say the very least, God just gave him to us so I'm resting in that promise that everything is going to be fine.

More Bloodwork Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning I'll head off to have more blood work done and see Dr T again (hematologist extraordinaire).  I'm not sure what to expect, I'd like to expect my numbers to be at least stable but I fear getting my hopes up.  If I don't continue to respond to this treatment the next option is...crazy and will significantly alter my life...fear starts to settle in.  Do I try to prepare for the worst or hope for the best? 

I've never liked going to the doctor, I suppose most people don't.  In order to remain slightly more calm I always dress as nice as possible, I want them to see me as an adult (Hi I'm 28...), not sure where this comes from but I've done it for as long as I can remember.  Tomorrow I'll probably wear my favorite pants and a button down blouse and maybe heels....Meh I should skip the heels just in case.

My labs are extra early, I think I'll treat myself to a coffee on the way in.  At least I won't miss too much work, just over an hour if I'm lucky.  I really hope I get good news.  If you have any prayers laying around I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks-

I Suck at Drying Up

So...fun story....one night early last week I fell asleep on the sofa almost immediately after putting Liam down, when V was ready for bed he nudged me to get up and come to bed.  I pulled myself up off my tummy....and discovered a puddle on the sofa and my shirt, my right boob had refilled and drained from the pressure of being laid on!  I was so embarrassed, luckily V wasn't all that concerned.  But since then it's like starting this whole (very painful) process all over again!  Ouchie!  I even had to take a break from my fun day with my bestie yesterday to ice my boob, so glamorous!  Ugh.  Today feels slightly better, righty doesn't feel nearly as engorged and I think I discovered what caused the surprise increase in supply!  I had heard if you eat oats (specifically "steel cut oats", whatever that means) it can increase your supply.  Well I had eaten two of my favorite granola bars the morning of my return of supply and I did it again on Friday causing this Saturday's painful engorgement.  Needless to say I'm avoiding oats like the plague!  (side note I've never eaten "steel cut" oats so apparently regular, or even quick cook oats help your supply if you are still breastfeeding!)

In other, sorta related news, Liam is doing great on formula!  I still have my stash we are working through, he gets that exclusively at Nanna's during the week.  I imagine my stash will be gone in about two or three weeks but that means he got breast milk passed four months, it's so much more than I would have imagined I could have given him and I'm finally totally at peace with my choice.  He's growing like crazy and up to 6oz bottles now!  I really just keep to put away the small one (4oz)!  Before I know it he'll be on to solids!  Crazy!

Damn Near Perfect

Today is one of those ideal days, last night Liam slept better than he ever has which also means so did momma!  This morning I rose shortly have V got up with Liam and made a nice breakfast (turkey bacon and eggs...my eggs had zucchini and green peppers on them).  Shortly after I scurried off to the gym, unfortunately yoga was cancelled so I only got 30 mins in on the treadmill but it's better than nothing.

Liam and I spent a leisurely afternoon with my dearest friend E. Charlotte, both of them were decked out in their favorite football teams colors...how cute are they....

It was just the afternoon we all needed, Liam just woke up from a nap and V is feeding him...I'm hoping to sneak in one more walk tonight as the weather couldn't be more perfect...this whole day has been as close to perfect as they get....my cup overflowth!