If you've read my blog for any amount of time you'll know three things about me: I'm a fitness nerd, We had a difficult time getting/staying pregnant, and I had an Autoimmune Disease for just under a year. The last one was a bit intesnse but I feel like it really shaped me, taught me some things and I'm blessed beyond measure that it went away (after I was told it was a chronic and lifelong issue).
But...I yearn for another child....truth be told another pregnancy. I haven't morned the fact that I'll never feel the little flutters of a baby in my belly, never see my stomach grow and grow with life inside again. I tear up at the sight of a beautiful pregnant woman. And yes I get jealous of pregnant friends just as I did when we were struggling to get pregnant with Liam. Recently someone gave back some of my maternity clothes, she didn't remember that I told her we would be unable to have more babies. Gosh did that hurt. There in my hands were these clothes, items I invested in with hopes of at least one more pregnancy....clothes I lovingly wore as I joyfully carried my Liam.
I know what you're thinking: Then adopt! Or foster! Both of those things are potential options in the future but neither of them replace the longing I have, nor will they ever. If you don't understand that is fine, you probably didn't have to try to get pregnant or maybe you never feared you'd loose your pregnancy/baby. Thank God for that for you, it's ok you don't understand. I don't know how much time will have to pass before my soul finds true rest with this....maybe it never will but I know it's the right decision. Like I've said before if I could have just one thing for sure it would be more time with those I love. I won't risk loosing all the time I could have for the chance of another pregnancy/baby.
I guess my point is it still stings, I wonder if the day will ever come when it doesn't anymore.