October 24, 2011

a whisper

I need to whisper something to someone but there is no one I want to tell.  I don't want to tell my loved ones and a stranger might think I'm nuts.  I want to whisper it because I'm worried.  I want to whisper I'm bruising again....like I was before and I can't explain them...I'm worried, it's not just one or two but several bruises....  I carefully considered who would reply how and what I really need to hear right now and came up empty-handed.  I don't want to hear "it's ok, nothing to worry about." nor to I want to hear "call Dr T, get your numbers checked now."  no response will do.  I'm not going to call Dr T early (my next appt is one week from today) yet I don't want to hear it's nothing either.  I know I probably sound like a brat, maybe I am but this is how I'm choosing to deal with the situation.  I stand, almost frozen, I don't know what to do.  If my numbers are low I'll either have to re-up my daily dose of steroids or consider the next [very scary] treatment option.  I fear my treatment road is only extending instead of drawing to a close like I had my heart set.  I fear it means I really am chronically ill and will have to deal with this whole thing for much longer, that this whole crazy situation is not drawing to a close.  I'm trying hard to keep my hopes high, knowing I could be wrong but the reality of it all is hard to ignore right now. 

I've always prided myself on being able to cling to hope no matter what, today I'm barely hanging on by my finger-nails.  It's just one of those "what it rains, it pours" kind of days.

Just a vent post. 
Thanks for reading-


  1. I have to comment. I know so much about you from E, so I feel so close to you and I love you. Now, from someone who feels so strongly, I have to tell you - call your doctor, today! I know this is scary, and it is the last thing you want to think about. But you have to. Even if you have to take more pills. You need to do this for yourself and especially for your little one. I understand the feeling of wanting it to just go away, to ignore it, and bury your head in the sand. But don't. It will only make matters worse. And we want you to get better. And it will, please call him. LYS, Kit

  2. I love you, you are amazing, and I am here for you, no matter what you need.