March 15, 2011

What might have been

As I was getting ready this morning I thought back to the time before my initial appointment with my Dr (Dr. Wonderful) in October of 2010.  The appointment I had to wait 6 weeks for, the same one that was scheduled as my preliminary infertility testing appointment.  And it got me thinking about what might have been.

What if I hadn't had to wait those 6 weeks... I can only make assumptions based on my limited knowledge of what one could expect.  I won't go too far into the detail of what I think may have happened but I believe my life would be so different.  What I believe would have happened would have been a series of tests and certainly medication to start my period hence I wouldn't have ovulated the egg I did that is now my son.  I can't even fathom thoughts beyond that.  God knew I needed those six weeks, he had a plan for me, for that egg, for my son.  I can't even wrap my head around what might have been.

Then my mind wonders to the actual day (October 5, 2010) of that first appointment, the appointment scheduled to begin my infertility testing, the same one that I showed up having just got a positive pregnancy test.  V couldn't make it, although I no longer recall why, so my bestie came.  I had an ultrasound because it had been four months since my last period no one among us had any idea how far along I was.  The Dr turned on the ultrasound and couldn't fine the baby (not uncommon when you are very early) but did find what he described as a "mass of fluid the size of a large orange near my right ovary".  He thought that my pregnancy was likely ectopic and potentially life threatening.  Everything happened so fast that I was alone (aside from said Dr and a nurse) when he did my ultrasound and told me about the fears he had for me, he gave me specific instructions and restrictions for the next few days and sent me for labs that day and for two days later (to test my beta growth).  I recall vividly going out to my bestie in the waiting room and waiting to get into the hall before telling her what I had just learned, I remember leaning on the wall wanting so badly to just fall and weep in fear but holding it together somehow.  She went with me to have my betas done that day and two days later.  I would have two more ultrasounds in the next few weeks, all of the ultrasounds and blood tests ultimately came back fine and the mystery fluid disappeared.  I'm so thankful that my Dr took slow and cautious steps during those first weeks, he could have jumped the gun and done surgery immediately (this happened to a friend of mine, she later learned her Dr had acted hastily and her pregnancy was not ectopic, she later miscarried that baby). 

All these things wondered through my mind today as I walked that same hall, passed the same spot where I wanted to breakdown, I sat in the same chair as that first appointment (not on purpose actually).  I had my routine appointment and all I could think the whole time was "wow, 27 weeks, I can not believe I'm here!".  After today's appointment, which went very well, I went over to the same lab to have my Gestational Diabetes test done. Again my bestie was by my side, but this time she was just there to keep me company, there was no fear, no reason to worry she just wanted to support me like she has since the beginning of this journey.

There is little reason to ever think about what might have been in my opinion but your mind does wonder there.  In a way it was like God was reminding me to be thankful for the broken road I had to walk to get where I am today.  I'm about to be a mom, I'm about to have a son and while my struggles weren't nearly what they might have been I'm thankful for them because they were just a step on my journey, a journey that has brought those close to me closer.

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