Why I live where I do

It's not always easy to justify living here, my degree sits collecting dust, the cost of living is high and the income levels low (compared to other places).  But then I see a picture like this and I remember not only how beautiful it is but how much I enjoy getting out into this great open space with V (and soon enough our little guy)!
I should mention I totally copied [er, "stole"] this photo from our news publication, it's not far from where V and I live but shows "here" so well!

Unsatisfied and Seeking [Career] Passion

So, I have to be totally honest about something...
Getting pregnant and expecting a child has caused a shift in my brain, a big one.  I haven't been satisfied with my job choices for a while but it's become way more real now that I'm supposed to be a role model to someone.  I went to college, putting myself through for 5 years and have a Marketing degree but it's not my passion (I do love it but can not make a living doing it where we live).  I have a passion that burns in my heart yet I go to a job everyday that I like (sometimes) but certainly don't love.  I know several people who have jobs they love and it's amazing to me, and it's sad to me how many of us just go to jobs we don't like or worse...hate.

I want to do something that will make me truly happy and make my son proud of me.  I know what I want to do, and V  happily supports me but taking that step is so hard!  I don't want to go back to school....the passion in my heart conflicts with not wanting more student loan debt.  I'm trying to wrap my head around how to pursue this passion, while adding little or ideally no additional debt to our lives.

Anyone else going through the same thing?  Any advice out there?

Full Term!!!

Weighty Issues: I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~9 months but because I'm swellling a lot and retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates over10lbs!). I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings. So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new to report here, belly is free and clear but the boobies are the opposite (and I think are going through another growth spirt so I've been rocking a huge sports bra daily!)

Sleep: Depends on the day, er night.  By the end of the day my feet are so swollen they feel like one giant bruise, they hurt enough to wake me from a dead sleep if one touches the other....It's getting increasingly difficult to get out of bed phsycially but other than that I'm trucking right a long.

Best Moment this week: I'm loving his wiggles more than ever today, they just feel extra special knowing how limited they are!

Food: Strawberries and Almonds!!

Clothes: Maternity, end of story...have I mentioned my clothes are starting to not fit and I'm totally unwilling ot buy more? Ek!

Labor signs: Only ZERO DAYS and I'll be full term so at this point I'm ok with when-ever little guy decides to make his apperance! Bring on the contractions!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)  I wonder if I'll ever want to wear my belly ring again?  I was so sad to take it out!

What I miss: Nothing at all.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week. Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently. :) I finished our registry last weekend with the help of my bestie and re-orgainized some things in little guy's room.  But as for real cleaning not so much.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 6 1/3 lbs and 19 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a FULL TERM 37 week old baby click HERE.

A big congrats to my dear friend J and her hubby G who welcomed baby Grady into the world yesterday!

Hard to believe

Hard to believe...seems like an understatement. 

With everything we've been through in the last almost two years, it's hard to believe tomorrow little guy will be full term.  Tomorrow, should he choose to come, he'd be perfectly fine, healthy, ok.  I'm pretty sure I didn't believe we'd make it to this day, with all the spotting, sickness and swelling I think there was a part of my brian that refused to accept as reality that he'd make it all the way here.  Now there is a room painted blue, lots of clothes and items to welcome him not to mention two parents who just can't wait to hold him (and countless family members both of blood and not).  I just can't wrap my head around it all!  I'm so ready for him to be here, and it feels good to say that knowning if he came he'd be ok.

Little guy, if you are listening I can't wait to meet you but I really think you should be a June baby so at least 8.5 more days ok? 

Ode to V.

I've done one of these posts before but I have such a great hubby I just can't help but do another!  I  have a pretty amazing husband, I certainly won the husband lottery!  He's not perfect but neither am I, however we both work hard at our relationship and what more could a girl ask for?  He's been pretty darn incredible during my pregnancy and while it has taken him some time to figure a few things out or see my perspective he always makes an effort.  And for that I give him major kudos, I mean the guy was 34 when we got married, he was pretty set in his ways!  He makes a serious effort, and while I certainly don't win all the battles (nor should I) he always tries to see my side even if he never agrees! :)

As you may remember our house had to undergo some construction before little guy arrives.  At first I was super excited, the house does need some love (we rent from V's family, looooong story).  But then the months drug on and now I find myself in my 9th month of pregnancy living in a construction zone, it's not easy to say the least.  I'm thankful that I married such a handy guy but I wish the others would step up and help instead of just relying on him knowing how handy he is.  I may not have mentioned V loves working with his hands, he's done many jobs over the years I've known him but they are always making/building things, he just isn't a "sit at a desk" kind of guy and that is fine by me.  So for the last ~3 years V has been installing hardwood floors, he enjoys it (for the most part) and it's a new skill for him.  So last night V's dad and uncle arrived before V got off work to begin the roof work, V (who had already put in a good 10 hours at work) pulls up to the house, gets out of his truck, climbs the latter to our roof and goes straight to work.  Wow! I thought to myself out loud "what a guy!" As I sat there watching the guys work I began rubbing my belly just feeling so blessed to have the love of this man who would work so hard for little guy and I.

It means so much to me that my son will grow up with strong male role models around him.  While I realize no one is perfect they are, in my eyes, role models of what a good man is (especially compared to my father, a far cry from a role model for anything).  I often survey my life and wonder how I got so lucky...I have a wonderful husband, in-laws and friends, not to mention good health and good health for my son.  V and I may not have "it all" in the world's eyes but we are beyond wealthy in love and have an abundance to give this baby.

My cup does not over-flow, it's sunken in a ocean of love and blessings!

T-Minus Less Than 30 Days!

Weighty Issues: I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~9 months but because I'm swellling a lot and retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates around 10lbs!). I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings. So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new to report here, belly is free and clear but the boobies are the opposite (and I think are going through another growth spirt so I've been rocking a huge sports bra daily!)

Sleep: I haven't been sleeping well lately...such is life though.

Best Moment this week:  Every moment is amazing!

Food: I'm digging strawberries on my cereal each morning and Iced Tea....mmmmm!

Clothes: Maternity, end of story.

Labor signs: Only 6 DAYS and I'll be full term so at this point I'm ok with when-ever little guy decides to make his apperance!  Bring on the contractions!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)

What I miss: Nothing at all.  I can handle anything for the short period of time I have left with him.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week. Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently.  :)  I did spend some time on Sunday scrubbing my car only to have it rain the whole next day and a bird poop on it three times while I was at work....fail.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 6lbs and 18 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a 35 week old baby click HERE.

Lovely Saturday

It has been the most lovely Saturday, I just must reflect upon it! :) (fancy words right?)  LOL!

Thankfully I got to sleep in this morning, V was supposed to go fishing but it's rather windy (which I guess is not ideal for fishing, who knew) instead he stayed home to spend his last Saturday with his video games.  I had a lovely time lounging and getting ready at my leisure before heading off to lunch with my bestie.  I was so excited when we changed up our usual lunch place, I've been craving a specific salad and she was game (even though she really wanted Italian Nachos)!  We chatted and munched away before heading off to the mail, we each had an errand to run there.  After that we went to paint pottery at a local place.  We hadn't done it in about a year but it's the most relaxing task ever and relatively affordable.  She made a pony and I a fish back.  We were the only ones there so we left the music off and chatted every so often while enjoying the silence as well.  Afterward I dropped her off and decided I needed some coffee flavored ice cream (my newest thing).  I happily munched on my ice cream and finished my thank you notes from my second shower (pictures of both are coming, I swear!).  Now home the few things I really wanted to get done have been achieved, I feel well rested and have no more plans for the night!  Since V played video games he's fending for himself for dinner (I'll finish the rest of my yummy salad) and we'll probably watch a move.
As I sit here letting out a sigh I am so content, our life it's what others would want theirs to be but we love it, I'm so happy and content and just ready for all the changes our little guy will bring.....I don't think I could be happier!

Unpublishable

So we all have them, the posts we've written and don't post.  Maybe they were never intended to be published or maybe something in our mind/heart/life changed and it was no longer applicable.  I find myself skimming my unpublished posts lately, reviewing them, remembering where I was emotionally when I wrote them. That makes them all sound sad, but in truth they aren't all sad.  Several are happy and lovey even, most of them are just a reflection I had on something (sometimes internal but not always).  But for whatever reason they never got posted and now it seems silly to post them since now they are out of context.

I thought it would be interesting through to give you a peak at the titles of some of them:

• How do you prepare for a Miracle?
• Honesty
• Introspective
• My All Time Pregnancy Pet Peeve
• First Time for Everything
• Army Trucks
• Soul Mates and Other Loves
• L to the O to the V to the E
• Labels and Vomit

So humor me, what are some of the titles of some of your unpublished (and perhaps unpublishable) posts?

35 Days(ish) Days Remaining

Weighty Issues:  I'm done answering this question, not because I'm ashamed of the way I've treated my body or fed my son in the last ~8.5 months but because I'm retaining a lot of water (my dr estimates around 10lbs!)  I refuse to report my weight each week knowing this because, yes it will hurt my feelings.  So there you have it.

Stretch Marks: Belly is still pretty and stretch mark free, the boobies are zebra print now...I'm sorta afraid of what will happen to my boobies when my milk comes in....oh well.

Sleep: I'm randomly waking up during the middle of the night for a few hours.  I sleep better with the window open so that is a consistance occurance at our house (and it's only in the 40s at night here!)

Best Moment this week: I went to the dr and had a normal borning appt, everything was fine.  Such a relief.  And yesterday little guy was a wiggling fool, I was filled with joy just knowing he's safe and growing.

Food: I'm digging strawberries, oranges and apples (Gala specifically) and Ice Water.

Clothes: Maternity, end of story.  I'm super bored of the few items I have that are ok with the warming weather and my expanding size but unwilling to buy anything more.

Labor signs: Only 13 DAYS and I'll be full term BUT until at least then no-thank-you-please! I haven't had Braxton Hicks in months now either, yay!

Belly Button: No hope of it going back in at this point, I wonder if it will ever look the same (although let's face it I don't actually remember what it looked like before, lol!)

What I miss: Nothing at all.  I love his kicks and punches, even when they hurt.  I'm ok with the heartburn and whatever else comes along, I can handle anything for the short period of time I have left with him.

What I’m looking forward too: His BIRTHday. I want so much to see what he looks like, hear his little cry, hold him, see his daddy hold him.

Weekly Wisdom: I'm sticking with my favorite "everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!"

Weekly WTF: I don't think I have one this week.  Life isn't always easy but it's always good.

Nesting: I'm a bit too large to do too much, V usually runs around behind me asking me to "please SIT DOWN" and takes over whatever I'm doing....yes I have used this to my advantage recently.

Milestones: At this point all little guy has to do is sit back and gain weight! He is about 5 1/4 and 18 inches according to my book!

For more on the development of a 35 week old baby click HERE.

Rain, Rain....I'm ok if you stay.

It's been raining here, not everyday and the forecast says it will stop later in the week and *gasp* warm into the seventies.  But last night it rained all night, I couldn't sleep and when I did manage to fall asleep V would wake me (he talks in his sleep).  I had the window near our bed cracked, I just lay there listening to the gentle sound of the rain and feeling the cool air circulate in our room, I so enjoyed it.  If I had my way I'd sleep with our noise machine on rain every night but V can't sleep with it on, last night nature gave me the sounds although it didn't help me sleep it was glorious, .  As I lay there the little guy would give me a kick/punch or two, probably trying to get comfortable enough to sleep himself, I rather enjoyed it though.  My days carrying him are numbered and God himself only knows if V and I will have more children so I cherish each moment I share with my child inside me.  It wouldn't really bother me if it rained every night this week, even if I'm awake to hear it, rain rain I'm ok if you stay.

A Year Ago....

Wow, what a difference a year makes.

Last Mother’s Day was a horrible train-wreck of a holiday. I’m pretty sure I broke down no less than twice. The first break down was in church as our lead pastor announced his wife was pregnant with their seventh child and went on to talk about how he knows some struggle with infertility and that “God opens and closes the womb.” Cue Jen walking quickly and hopefully discretely to the bathroom to breakdown. Two hours later we are at a family lunch for mom-in-law (whom I love dearly) at a local restaurant when brother-in-law decides to inform V and I that “you really should give Dad[-in-law] what he really wants for father’s day and make him a grandpa.” I could no longer hold it all in, I whipped my head to look him directly in the eyes, speaking sharply “it’s not that easy for everyone, B!” to which he replied condescendingly “Oh Jen, yes it is.” I looked at him sternly and replied “no it’s not easy for everyone to just get knocked up!!!” And the table was hushed, I fumed in silence to myself; B has never even had a girl friend at nearly 25 years old, what does HE know about anything let alone infertility!!! V could tell I was at my breaking point and he quickly made our exit. As we approached our car in the parking lot I felt so broken, mom-in-law had rushed outside to hug me saying “we don’t care when you have kids or if you do, we love you!” And I blurted out as a I backed away from her, tearing up “we’ve been trying for a long time, I….we….I don’t think we can.” And I began sobbing. Although dad-in-law and grandma were clearing trying not to listen to our conversation I know they heard it all. Thankfully V grabbed me and hugged me and took me home.

I cannot explain the brokenness that was in my heart that day and the pain I felt for ruining mom-in-law’s mother’s day celebration. At home V promptly got me into my jammies and laid with me on the sofa just holding me, I’m sure he had no words but I didn’t need words, I needed his arms around me. In the coming weeks V and I would discuss openly with his parents our fertility issues and struggles and plans to peruse infertility testing and treatment. Thankfully they embraced us and loved on us during this incredibly challenging time. They listened, offered advice only when asked for it and most importantly the loved us and prayed for us. I could not have asked for a better reaction from them.

Today I can’t believe I’m pregnant and I am a mom on mother’s day. This little guy in me kicks away at me and I love every moment. I cannot wait for him to be here, crying in the middle of the night, with poopy diapers and all. This mother’s day I find myself crying again but it’s out of sheer joy for this miracle baby and all the love people have already poured out for him.

To all my friends out there waiting for your turn-you are always in my prayers, I know your turn will come I just wish I could tell you when.  I love you so much!

Funny Moment

I forgot to add this detail in last night's post.  It makes me laugh and fall in love with my husband all over again. 
So as I was checking into L&D yesterday I saw a free mom magazine, I snapped one up figuring we'd be there for a while.  I didn't realize I'd be essentially immobile (arms included in this) and unable to read it so V was skimming through, it didn't take him long to find something to read (which surprised me; he usually reads UFC magazines and Outdoors magazines, what could he have found interesting?).....an article about potty training!  LOL!  Here is my adorable husband, whom just a short while ago said "do you think little guy will come today? I'm not ready to be a dad TODAY!" and he's reading a potty training article, oh my love you are ready to be a dad!
I'm still chuckling over that one.  Little guy and I are so lucky, now if little guy can just bake for at least 2.5 more weeks!

Trip to Labor & Delivery #1

*"in real life" friends please keep the following confidential*

Wow, what a days it's been!  I woke up this morning not feeling well, my dr's words echoed in my head about calling him if I start getting head aches or just feel off.  I got ready and went to work and my head started to hurt more by this time I was feeling nauseated and cold but sweating.  Yep time to call, they had me come right in.  Oh boy, I called V "there is no pretty way to say this, I don't feel well so I called my dr and they want me to come in right away."  Thankfully V works only 3 blocks from me so I just picked him up on the way.  I could tell he was nervous but he did such a good job of being strong for me.  I love him so much but he usually takes cues from me, Jen freaks out=V freaks out but with all the crazy things we've been through during this pregnancy he really stepped up and has been my rock, I'm so thankful for that!

We arrive at Dr Wonderful's office about 10am, my blood pressure is up a little. Ut oh.  My weight isn't up but I'm apparently "hyper-reflexive" (which I only learned later can be a sign of swelling on the brain).  Since my head was still hurting he decided to send me to Labor and Delivery to have some tests run, namely: a Non-Stress Test, Blood tests and Urine Tests as well as continual Blood Pressure monitoring.

For more info on a Non-Stress test go HERE. I spent a good three hours hooked up every which way (it felt like).  I was to push a button every time little guy moved to see if his heart was accelerating the way it should which I did, meanwhile my blood pressure was being taken every 15 minutes.  We learned I was having mild contractions!  I had no idea!  (My nurse said this wasn't abnormal.)  We had a great nurse, Linda, who was pretty straight forward and funny!  Thank goodness for her!  After I'd say a half hour she came in and said "ok he is having accelerations but they aren't big enough for this town." Translation, he's not passing the test, gulp.  I was asked, er told, to chug some ice water.  During this time I had blood drawn and a little later I would have a second urine test.  I tried hard not to stare at the machine watching his heart rate change (and contractions occur, ek!)  At least it was a lovely spring day and we could see out side.  V and I talked and laughed, God I love that man he can truly make me laugh no matter what is going on!

After what felt like a lifetime (reality was it was about 3 hours) Linda came back in and said his heart rate changes were looking beautiful but my blood platelet numbers were lower than they'd like.  She had called Dr Wonderful and he would be over shortly.  (Thankfully his office is just across the parking lot).  Linda had also ordered me lunch, yay!  I won't lie I was so hungry by this time, I don't care if it is hospital food, I'll take it!  Soon Dr Wonderful arrived and said that not a whole lot made sense really.  My blood pressure is good, little guy's heart rate changes were good, but my platelet's are low and I'm hyper-reflexive with a continued headache and excessive swelling in my feet (my face is also rather swollen).  He gave me a laundry list of things to look for and asked me to head home and rest and to follow up with him next week (I already have an appt set for Tues).  I know I've said this a billion and one times but I really adore my Dr, I can tell he genuinely cares about my health and my baby's, this isn't just a job for him.  It's really refreshing especially considering he's been doing this about as long as I've been alive!

So there we are, my symptoms are mixed and honestly confusing.  But what matters is little guy is ok and still baking!  Only about 2.5 weeks and we'll be full term, until then I really hope he can just bake away!  If you have room for us in your thoughts and prayers that would mean so much to us.

Not Great News.....

*Please note if you are my "in real life" friend I have yet to share this information with virtually anyone other than V so please do not do anything silly like write something on my facebook wall etc, thanks*

So... I had my 34 week appointment yesterday, I thought it would be a routine appointment (weigh-in, blood pressure, pee in a cup, Doppler, questions and done).  Not so much.  My weight shot up, my dr came in and mentioned it (while looking at my chart) then took one look at my very swollen feet and became immediately concerned "that's where your weight is!"  Ut oh.  I had noticed my feet are swollen but I guess I didn't think it was that bad, wrong-o.  Essentially my dr is pretty worried I'm developing Preeclampsia (for more info on that go HERE.) I was given an internal exam told told about signs to look for and my appointments were moved up to weekly (that was orginally planned to happen in 3 weeks).  My dr made it very clear how concerned he is about my and little guy's health and safety, preeclampsia is no joke. 

I went home and tried to take nap until V came home, that was an epic failure, I just lay on the sofa trying to will him to come home faster.  Once home, I gave him a moment to sit down before explaining what is going on, what to look out for and the possible outcomes as I understand them.  V remained pretty calm and I'm so thankful for that because I'm scared, I really needed him to be my rock and he was, thank God for him!  The thought that I could wake up tomorrow more swollen and they would have to take our son by emergency c-section is terrifying thought to say the least.  I know that my dr would only do that if/when it's in the best interest of both baby and I but it's still scary.

So now I guess we play a waiting game.  Wait to see what each day brings. I've decided to cut a lot of things out of my schedule and to just go home after work and try to relax each day.  *I'm not on bed rest but my dr did ask me to take it easy*  I know I have no control over this, I can't cause it or stop it but I can't help but feel like if I go home and rest each day that the little guy is benefiting from it.

There are a few loose ends V and I are going to have to tie up.  We still have a few items we haven't picked up for little guy yet that we are going to have to get just in case.  It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that he could be here any day now, literally.  I don't want my baby to come pre-term but if it's what is best for him then so be it.  This is all in God's hands and there is no better place for it. 

Poor Marshmallow Man, I can relate (a little).