May 7, 2011

A Year Ago....

Wow, what a difference a year makes.

Last Mother’s Day was a horrible train-wreck of a holiday. I’m pretty sure I broke down no less than twice. The first break down was in church as our lead pastor announced his wife was pregnant with their seventh child and went on to talk about how he knows some struggle with infertility and that “God opens and closes the womb.” Cue Jen walking quickly and hopefully discretely to the bathroom to breakdown. Two hours later we are at a family lunch for mom-in-law (whom I love dearly) at a local restaurant when brother-in-law decides to inform V and I that “you really should give Dad[-in-law] what he really wants for father’s day and make him a grandpa.” I could no longer hold it all in, I whipped my head to look him directly in the eyes, speaking sharply “it’s not that easy for everyone, B!” to which he replied condescendingly “Oh Jen, yes it is.” I looked at him sternly and replied “no it’s not easy for everyone to just get knocked up!!!” And the table was hushed, I fumed in silence to myself; B has never even had a girl friend at nearly 25 years old, what does HE know about anything let alone infertility!!! V could tell I was at my breaking point and he quickly made our exit. As we approached our car in the parking lot I felt so broken, mom-in-law had rushed outside to hug me saying “we don’t care when you have kids or if you do, we love you!” And I blurted out as a I backed away from her, tearing up “we’ve been trying for a long time, I….we….I don’t think we can.” And I began sobbing. Although dad-in-law and grandma were clearing trying not to listen to our conversation I know they heard it all. Thankfully V grabbed me and hugged me and took me home.

I cannot explain the brokenness that was in my heart that day and the pain I felt for ruining mom-in-law’s mother’s day celebration. At home V promptly got me into my jammies and laid with me on the sofa just holding me, I’m sure he had no words but I didn’t need words, I needed his arms around me. In the coming weeks V and I would discuss openly with his parents our fertility issues and struggles and plans to peruse infertility testing and treatment. Thankfully they embraced us and loved on us during this incredibly challenging time. They listened, offered advice only when asked for it and most importantly the loved us and prayed for us. I could not have asked for a better reaction from them.

Today I can’t believe I’m pregnant and I am a mom on mother’s day. This little guy in me kicks away at me and I love every moment. I cannot wait for him to be here, crying in the middle of the night, with poopy diapers and all. This mother’s day I find myself crying again but it’s out of sheer joy for this miracle baby and all the love people have already poured out for him.

To all my friends out there waiting for your turn-you are always in my prayers, I know your turn will come I just wish I could tell you when.  I love you so much!

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