April 1, 2011

A new kind of exhaustion

We've all been there; cramming for finals, red-eye flights and late night conversations have kept us up into the wee hours depriving us of sleep and leaving us zombie like the next day.  Somehow we make it through (with massive amounts of caffeine and snacks to keep our bodies running), lasting on the promise of a nap or early to bed solution later on. 

Lately I've been having the worst dreams...I've had "nightmares" my entire life, I assume they are just left overs from a violent childhood.  They are much less frequent than they used to be and honestly they hardly bother me anymore.  Well... until all these wild pregnancy hormones came into play.  For months the dreams were gone, it was a nice reprieve I won't lie.  But lately they are worse than ever, they are disturbing even to me.  The realism and crazy story-lines (crazier than before is probably a better way to word that) have shocked even me.  (They are so bad V has asked not to hear about them unless I absolutely have to get it off my chest.)  For the last few days I have woken in the morning feeling as though I've gotten no rest at all.  Add to that a fairly busy week with work and other activities and this momma is kinda a hot (luke warm perhaps) mess.  I have redefined "zombie" I swear!

This is a brand new kind of exhaustion for me.  Remember I was a on the go (go-go-go) kinda a girl pre-pregnancy, always on the run-pushing my body to it's limits most of the time.  I've worked hard to slow down, minimize my schedule and pay attention to my body and done fairly well.  But lately this is really kicking my arse.  I fully realize this is my body, nature and God's way of preparing me for the coming months of sleepless night but DANG!  I have 3 more hourof my shift at work (this particular Friday is going to be insanely slow) and I'm dying!!  The little ninja appears totally fine wiggling about, he keeps me smiling despite my sleep deprived state.  I'd do anything for this little guy already, it's hard to understand my own love for this little person I've yet to ever see but who already holds the key to my heart.  I used to think I'd most look forward to the interactive days of rasing my child(ren), but I find myself daydreaming about those first moments of simply seeing him, crying, wiggling and covered in goo, brand new to this world. I love you little bean and I'll gladly go without sleep (and many other things) for you!

This was orginally intented to be a raging rant about being exhausted, then little guy kicked-up to the wiggles a few notches and my heart melted.  He has a way of doing that to me, I can be a cranky mess and he wiggles and kicks/punches and whatever had upset me hardly matters anymore.  Hard to wrap my head around this miracle!

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