April 22, 2011

Irratoinal Fears & Unspeakable Joy

These are the things running through my mind these days, oh the joys of pregnancy hormones.  I think my fears mainly stem from all the sadness surrounding me right now.  Four deaths in V's family in two months, my boss started crying in her office this morning because a friend's husband passed unexpectedly.  The list goes on and on.  It feels like there are sad things happening all around me, makes me just want to crawl in a hole and hold my belly.  I feel like he's safer there, then at the same time I'm ready for him to be "out here" because so many scary things can happen in pregnancy (remember my friend's scare like a week ago?).  I'm not trying to be a downer and I have not lost my mind, I promise.  These are the things that will unavoidably go through your mind when you are pregnant.  Let's face it there is a lot of information "out there" and we all know someone who has had a sad experience and it scares us because we are people and by nature we are social creatures.

Then there is unspeakable joy.  Like my little guys kicks.  He's starting to run out of room, I can tell because his kicks are more of rolls.  It's hard to explain but it makes them a little less frequent (which is scary at first) but it's like being in the beginning of the second trimester again where each kick (or punch) is super special because they are more rare.  The joy is unspeakable, it's like a little gift he gives me each time.  I woke up the other night worried I hadn't felt him in a bit (it was just my exhaustion clouding my mind) and he gave me a few good kicks/punches as if it say "don't worry mom!"  I can't even begin to explain the love I have for this little guy, I don't want to rush the end of my pregnancy because I do love this special time but in the same breath I am so ready to have him in my arms!

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