My First Childhood Friend

I haven't spoken at length here about my childhood, or lack thereof. I likely won't. All you need to know is that it was bad and I was emancipated by the state at 16 years old. I was not a bad kid, I went through bad things.

I have this childhood friend, my first friend really...we've stayed in touch off and on over the years. Typically we'd loose touch for a few years, reconnect lather, rinse, repeat. This never bothered me, I've come to expect it, we always pick up right where we left off. He understands me on a level no one else can, he knows things about me no one else does (or likely will) and sadly he went through much of the same. Most importantly he does not judge me nor offer advice, we can talk through all the terrible stuff or not. So much of our communication is unspoken, it's like we are twins or something, we just have that connection.

It's been about 2.5 years since we lost touch the last time but this time I'm friends with his wife on facebook! They lives hundreds of miles and several states away so I've never met her but we share pictures of the kids and talk a little. Once in a while she passes along a message from my friend and we send each other Christmas cards. I'll take it.

Sadly my friend's father passed away recently. I want not able, nor did I want, to attend the funeral. My friend and his wife did the red-eye flight thing to be there (several hours away in the middle of winter). My friend decided he wanted his kids to experience where we grew up, he wanted his wife to explore this place a little...he wanted them to meet me!

Liam and I got up around 7am this morning and got ready at a casual pace since we didn't have to leave until around 10:30am, my friend and his family were meeting us half way between where they were staying and where I live....ironically in the town I "grew up" in. (I haven't been back there in over ten years aside from a few years ago for a friend's funeral) After a easy two hour drive, during which Liam napped, we were there! It was like old times right away, he and I briefly spoke of the past (it had been a good 5 years since we'd spoken a word about it) then it was all fun, his wife is adroable as are his twins who happen to be one month younger than Liam! We ate and took the kids to a near by park to play. We didn't get to chat much more since there were three kids and three of us but I would not have traded the short time we had for anything.

Before I knew it we snapped a quick picture, told each other we were proud of one another with tears in our eyes and it was time to get back on the road for all of us. It was the most difficult parting I've had with him. We've come a long way, it's been probably close to a decade since we've spent time together in person. I hugged my friend and loaded Liam and I back up, after picking up fresh drinks we were on the road home.

Liam did amazing in the car today, I've never taken him on such a trip alone but I was super proud of him. I really needed to gather my thoughts as we pulled out of town and he was more than happy to just play with his puppy toy while I did so. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to my soul to have someone who really knows the depth of hell I went through as a kid sit across a table from me and beam with pride for the woman (wife, mother) I have become. I think for most people going to college, getting married and having children is a given but it's not when you come from where we did... I really think most people would expect us to ended up as low-lifes but we didn't, we fought hard, we made mistakes then we put ourselves through college, got married, had families....

What an incredible day.

My First 10k Race

Last night I did my first 10k race, it was very rain but a wonderful time! I wrote up a post on my Health and Fitness Blog at Wildflower Fitness.

Much Love,
Jen

Two Years

Last year on this day I was in full sap mode, I wrote this post about how I could recall what was happening at each hour {on the day Liam was born}.

This year I'm overjoyed but not as sappy. Honestly things have been so crazy I haven't had time to be sappy. Liam got super sick Tuesday night, like vomiting and stuff, it was scary. He was fine by morning but I took Weds off work to hang out with him. We cuddled all day, guess I'll find out if it was viral. I had planned to take today off and spend it with Liam, take him swimming and the whole nine yards but I just don't have enough paid time off stored up.

Last night after we put Liam down for the night I ran out and got a big bunch of balloons including Liam's current favorite Thomas the Train. I also picked up muffins and cupcakes for the morning (well cupcakes are for dinner). I had already purchased this adorable little Thomas the Train flashlight thing, I knew he'd be over the moon for it! I got home late but my excitement for Liam kept me going, I knew he wouldn't totally get it but I also knew he'd be super excited.

Unfortunately Liam coughed all night, his poor nose is just running like mad. I got up at least a half dozen times to sooth him back to sleep (back rubbing, bink, cover with blanket etc). By the time morning rolled around I could barely pull my butt out of bed, I told V not to wake Liam until I was out of the shower. I showered and dressed at light-speed then V and I went in and woke Liam with the "happy birthday" song. Liam proceeded to kick his feet in protest. He did not want to get up, poor little dude! We managed to get him up, changed his diaper and went into the livingroom where he promptly noticed the huge bundle of balloons and got super excited! Success! He ate his chocolate chip muffin while enjoying some Chica Show on Spout while I ran around like a crazy person trying to get ready, wet hair it is.

Thankfully it's a Grandma's day so I dropped him off there and Grandpa had taken the day off so Liam was ubber happy! I've been at work since and still feel like I'm running around like a crazy person, so many things to get done!

This past year has been amazing, it's so incredible to see the changes in Liam. He's truly a little boy and not a baby anymore, although he'll always be my baby! He's the happiest person I know. He's sweet and kind but stubborn as his Momma too! It's difficult to put into words how much I love this little boy but I guess that is part of being a mom, it's something you can't explain and don't fully understand until you are here.

I've loved every moment, even the really frustrating ones, of being Liam's mom. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

Happy National Running Day!!!!

This could possibly be my favorite holiday ever, ok after Thanksgiving!


Some background on my life as a runner; In Sept of '11 I was diagnosed with an Autoimmune Disease called ITP. I also had a three month old baby boy, to say I was stressed out would be taking it all very lightly. After not dealing with the stress very well for a few months I started running, slowly (half because I've had Asthma my entire life half because it was Feb. in MT=snowy). Slowly I started to feel some control over my health again, also the last bit of my baby weight came off....plus some. I had more energy and much needed me time, needless to say my husband was a huge supporter! In July of last year I did my first Half Marathon, it was slow going but I did it!

Today I run as often as possible which adds up to about three times a week. I run races as often as I find an interesting one. :) Running sets me free, whatever stress I have I can think through, pray through or simply listen to music of the pounding of my feet on the ground. It's heaven, it's still my "me-time".

I already did a lunch time hike with a co-worker and new friend today but I'm planning to get a few miles in tonight once my day at the 'ol 9-5 is over and done (1.5hrs!). I mean I have to celebrate the holiday! Perhaps I'll even attempt a run with Liam in the jogger....ek!

This is one of my all time favorite paths to run in my fine city, the picture is not mine but off of Google Images.

 

Who else is with me?

Much Love,
Jen

I'm on Bloglovin'

Though I still haven't figured much of it out....



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Mom Guilt

I suffer from Mom Guilt...a lot, a lot more than I'd like to admit. It's a challenge being a working mom but it's one I put on myself. Yes I do have to work, especially now that we have a mortgage, but also I want to work. I want it all, a family and a career.

Maybe I'm not all that different from other moms but I feel like it...a lot. I rarely give up time with Liam. I'm really lucky to have a husband that let's me train basically whenever I want (early mornings before Liam is up or immediately after he's asleep) and a bestie that is the most understand human to ever have walked the face of the earth. I work but I rarely even take a lunch so I get a little extra time with Liam each day. I drop him off at daycare or Grandma's house (depending on the day) rush to work, work and rush to pick him up. I don't workout when he's awake, I don't hang out with friends.... I read to him, play with him, change him, whatever he needs. I try to be just in the moment with him as much as possible.

I swear I'm not obsessive. I just want to be his mom, I want the time I have with him to be all about him. I want him to know he has all my love for everyday we have. I know a lot of this is because I can't have more children, I value all the time I have with him so much knowing I will not experience these firsts again. Time moves so quickly, I just want to soak in these years.

Not to say it isn't hard sometimes, I get tired and frustrated. I want just a little time to myself. Who doesn't?

So once in a great while I take a little "me" time. Usually I'll let Liam sleepover at the Grandparent's house. They love having him, he loves being there. I love getting some extra rest or cleaning done. But even then I feel so guilty. Or on the days I do take a lunch (and go for a run), that extra hour eats at me...even if I run an errand without him on the weekend, it just kills me sometimes.

But why? I mean really why not take a little break once in a while? How do men do it and feel nothing, they (seemingly) have no guilt at all.


I push myself so hard, I run myself ragged...the most important thing I can do in this life is a be a good mom to him but I need to take care of myself too.

There is no right answer, is there?

Currently

I saw this on Julie's blog over at Peanutbutterfingers.com and thought it'd be a fun way to actually get a post done....and I love surveys!

Current Guilty Pleasure?
Spicy Food! I can't tell you how many spicy dishes I've had this week!!
Current Blessing?
Our home, I'm so in love with it!
Current Favorite Show?
Newlyweds the First Year on Brovo!  I just love the four different couples!
Current Excitement?
I'm back to training for a Half Marathon (in 56 days) I love running, I love having a plan and something to accomplish!  Also we are planning a trip possibly with V's parents this summer, looks like; camping, a zoo and a trip to a National Park....all things V and I love and can't wait to expose Liam to!

Your turn!

• Current Guilty Pleasure?
• Current Blessing?
• Current Favorite Show?
• Current Excitement?

 

10 days into Homeownership

Whew!  Need I say more?  Moving is crazy, add in a toddler to that and oh my!  Did I ever mention V and I have never moved together before, talk about learning experience! LOL! We are all settling in well now, Liam is fully adjusted to the new house, it's so sweet how happy he is here with all the extra room. 

For the most part we are fully unpacked, aside from odds and ends, the kind of stuff that probably should get donated anyway.  I've been putting off getting shades for the house, there is another oh my but a different kind all together, they are so expensive!  Luckily V's work started selling them (and area rugs!!!) so we'll take full advantage of his employee discount!  Here are a couple rugs I'm considering and the shades I want: ( take it back I couldn't get the website for the rugs we are considering to load, here is a pic of the shades, lame I know but I love that you can pull them down from the top and just let some light in!).

I have to admit I've been terrible about decorating.  I pulled our a few things I was given for my birthday but have yet to hang a single thing... I'm sorta overwhelmed with all the decisions (where to put things, what walls to paint accent colors, colors of rugs/curtains/plates).  I just need to start making some decisions and the rest will come. So far the only thing I've decided is the tree I want to plant (we need to let the dirt settle for another few weeks before we can sod and do flowers which is yet another decision). Our tree will be an Autumn Blaze Maple with turns, as the name suggests, a very bright red in the fall.  I can not wait!

What else could I share? I've got my first few runs in here in the new 'hood.  It's not the same as the our old rental, it's one saving grace was that I could step out our front door and run along the river which as you can imagine was beautiful.  I could still jump in my car and drive 15 mins (at most) and run along the river but I choose to just run in my new neighborhood, which isn't all that bad....we are out on the edge of town, out here I notice the mountains much more and can appreciate their beauty. 

Ok, it's late and I'm rambling.

Until next time, much love-
Jen

We now live in our forever home!

Part of the reason for my lack of posting is we finally moved into our forever home!  It was a bit crazy there in the very end, everyday was all maybe we can close today, maybe xyz will be done and the bank will call and.... and lots of xyz taking three more days than everyone said it would.  But in the end?  In the end we are still in.  We closed a week ago yesterday (Monday afternoon, which btw not ideal at all but do-able).

I'd been packing slowly but surely every night a box or seven depending on my mood and energy level.  I packed a crap ton of small boxes since I'd been saving diaper and wipe boxes for....ever.  But that kinda worked out too, it made unpacking (which also has been a little every night) much easier.  V and I took last Tuesday off and did a vast majority of the moving our selves while Liam was at daycare.  When my in-laws got off work that night they brought the big furniture over in one trip with the use of a giant truck from V's work.

One thing I didn't fully grasp was how stressful this whole thing would be on Liam.  We had visited the house once or twice a week for the last four months, in the last 4-6 weeks he knew where we were going and clapped every time we pulled up.  Each time we came into the house he ran around and laughed with amazing joy....  On Tuesday about 3:30pm I hit a wall, I could not move one more box, I went and picked Liam up early and went to the house just he and I.  (I had made his room priority #1 that morning so it was completely set up upon his arrival).  The moment we walked through the door he was ultra clingy I thought ut oh, this is not typical.  Something about seeing all his things in this new place stressed him out.  He started to whine and I said something I've said to him countless times (at the old house) show me what you want Liam.  And the tears started, he couldn't show me what he wanted, he had no idea where anything was....my heart broke.  We spent the next ~2 hours just us walking around, I'd let him explore and point out where things were but he wouldn't let me get too far away from him (which was fine by me).  I asked V's mom to watch Liam at our house for the next two days so he could get used to it here, she said he was pretty clingy the first day but each day has gotten better and now you'd have no idea it was stressful at all.

I'm so in love with our house, I feel like I can breathe here.  We have so much storage and space to spread out.  One huge thing that we couldn't do at the rental was eat dinner together, just the layout of the kitchen only allowed one of us to sit at the table while Liam ate in his highchair (typically V or I would stand off to the side so we sorta ate together).  Now family dinners are a nightly event!  It's the simple things in life that really matter!

Much Love,
Jen

So Much Change

Since I've been a bad blogger I've neglected to share that Nanna, the woman who has watched Liam since he was 7 weeks old, is retiring from being a childcare provider.  I cried and then my type-A kicked in and I found a new and formal daycare/pre-school for Liam.  He loves it there but the transition was hard.  V's mom will be retiring and watching Liam 3 days per week but until that officially happens he goes to daycare Mon-Tues, Nanna's Weds-Thrus and G'ma on Fridays.  Thankfully next week will be the last week we have to do this before V's mom has Weds-Fri off to watch Liam.  (We intentionally chose to have Liam in a daycare/pre-school two days a week for a lot of reasons I may someday write about)

Oh yeah and we are about to move so our lives are in boxes.  I swear each morning Liam counts his toys!

And Liam is cutting a molar or molars.

And Liam and I have been sharing the same cold back and forth for about 5 weeks (but who's counting).


Poor little Liam just hasn't been himself and understandably so, there has been so much going on in his life, way too much change at once.  I just can't wait to close on the house, get in there and all settled in so that his life can return to normal.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I'm officially 30!

Today I entered a whole new decade in my life (and age category in running as my bestie noted).  I wasn't weirded out last night nor this morning, although Liam is cutting a back tooth and didn't sleep well so I was a bit too tired to be too concerned with my age.

V and Liam surprised me with two charms for my Pandora bracelet, Liam was especially excited to present me a gift which was super cute!  V has been giving me these charms our entire marriage but since they are a bit pricey the frequency has gone way down with the addition of Mr Liam. I was totally surprised since we had agreed to no gifts with the finish of the house so close! V told me he tried to find a house charm which I thought was super sweet.  After some hugs and kisses we all succuried to get ready and out the door.

At work I received many kind emails, facebook has been a flood of kind words and my bestie surprised me with flowers for my desk! They have found a prime spot to get any possible sunlight!  My sweet co-workers took me to lunch at one of my favorite places, we ate and laughed until we thought we'd explode! (Bosslady is traveling so that is a nice little break too.) Tonight Liam gets a sleepover with Grandma & Grandpa while V and I go on a rare date night!

I have no deep thoughts on turning 30, I'm slightly glad my 20s are behind me but only because of my excitement for the years to come.  The bombings in Boston have taken up a lot of my mental space lately but mostly because of the pride in a community I consider myself part of; the running community has stepped up in big and heartfelt ways...My bestie (and Liam if the weather is good) will do a organized run on Monday night with all the proceeds going to the The One Fund and I can't think of a better thing to do at the start of this decade!

And if anyone is counting approx. 8 days until we close on our house.....tick tock tick tock!

Much Love,
Jen

No Rock N Roll Half Marathon for Me

*blows dust off little blog*



This post could easily get long and whiny fast so I'm just going to spill it...I'm not doing the 2013 Rock and Roll Half Marathon in Portland as planned, and I'm about as bummed out about it as you can get. 

My kiddo got this nasty cold that has been going around here and then shared with Momma, as luck would have it that cold turned into a nasty sinus infection/chest cold that I am still fighting nearly four weeks later.  I haven't run in a solid month, not once...in fact I did yoga yesterday and it kicked my butt.  No fun. I had worked my way up to 7 miles but right now that feels impossible...heck 3 miles sounds painful!  The RnR half is little over a month away, I know I could force myself to train SUPER hard at the cost of free time with my family (and perhaps much of my sanity), I could still take the time off work and spend all the money to travel there only to be disappointed with my performance. Not worth it, especially when I'm still coughing like crazy at night (and thus not sleeping through the night).

There is a wonderful Marathon (Half and Full) in our city every July but unfortunately we will be out of state for a family reunion.  So I've been searching and searching for another race, I flat out lost my reregistration fee for RnR Portland (which I simultaneously understand and loth) so part of the search has been that I don't have to travel, let's try and keep cost down, shall we?

I have a race or two that I am eye-balling, both are in later fall which will be beautiful and give me lots and lots of time to train.  I'm super tempted to attempt a full since I'll have the entire summer to train but the husband thinks that is a bad idea (he can be the logical one sometimes). 


The part of my life that doesn't revolve around running (you know marriage, kiddo, work and that whole house thing) is good but crazy busy, perhaps why I got so sick?  The house is supposedly going to be done by May 1, I'm excited and nervous....I've been using this extra energy to start packing which is surreal.

Someday I'll write a post about all that, maybe even include pics...someday!

Much Love,
Jen

On Turning 30

I've been a horrible blogger lately.  Life is so busy these days with working, trying to be super mom and a good wife, training for my race and oh yeah just being Jen.  No easy task I tell ya but I wouldn't have it any other way.  Life seems to speed by so quickly that I rarely even stop to think if something is blog worthy.

In about 20 days I'll be 30 years old.  Guess What? I'm PUMPED!  No seriously.  My life has only gotten better with each passing year and 30 is going to be a fantastic year!  Vic and I are [finally] doing well, I have the cutest little boy on the face of the planet and we will finally be in our own home, or at least really close, work is going well and I love running more than ever.  

30.is.going.to.ROCK!  
This is my year I can feel it.

I find it odd that people fear aging and seem to especially fear turning 30.  Not this lady, no sir.  Perhaps it's that I have yet to find a grey hair, not that I go searching for them either though... heaven knows I have my fair share of wrinkles and stretch marks.  My body is much different than Honestly I'm just so different than it once was but regardless I'm thankful I get to celebrate another year, I got to spend another year loving my family, really what more could I ask for?  None of us know the number of our days, I'm certainly not going to waste time stressing about getting older.

I'm not counting the days until the end of my twenties but I'm ready for 30, very ready.

Much Love,
Jen

Bloodwork Results {Good News}

On Monday I took a much needed (and deserved) day off to spend with Liam.  I intentionally didn't make plans with friends, I just wanted some Liam time and it was wonderful!  He slept in so I got an extra hour and half of sleep which was amazing (fellow Mommas, can I get an amen?).  Before he rose I popped out of bed and made us some scrambled eggs and cut up fresh fruit.  V got Liam up just before he had to head to work.

Liam and I spent the morning just playing and reading, it was glorious!  However, after a weekend spent mostly at home I could tell he wanted to get out of the house. How did I know this you ask, because he wouldn't stop bringing me his coat and shoes!  Little stinker!  I got the hint, I popped him in his crib with a few toys while I took a very short shower and threw my wet hair in a ponytail.  I dressed both of us and off we went!  Our mall has a play area for smaller kids (under 5-6) which on the weekends is so over run with older (and unruly) children Liam never wants to go near it.  I knew on a quiet Monday morning it would be heaven, with coffee in hand it was confirmed!  I should have brought the camera (because I'm too cheap to pay for data I don't own a "smart" phone), the pictures would have been awesome but enjoying the time was amazing!  Liam ran around with another little boy his age, up the stairs and down the little slide a million times!  We stayed there until Liam was super tired then it was home for lunch and nap!


V's mom gets off really early on Mondays, she came over after work so I could run off for a bloodwork appointment.  I was not excited, I thought up every excuse in the book to not good and secretly hoped MIL would cancel.  She did not.  I arrived at the lab and after checking in was greeted by a familiar nurse.  Who am I kidding they are all familiar at this point! LOL!  The whole process was simple and quick but I was nervous enough that I was sweating like mad...gross and annoying but thankfully I don't think it was obvious. I asked her if my dr would have the results today, she replied Oh yeah but you know doctor's you won't hear from them until tomorrow or Weds.  I smiled and said Okay but she recalled my story from previous visits and offered to call me with my platelet number later.  Let me just say right here I know that technically she should not have done this and it's not in her job to deliver what could have been very bad results BUT she offered so I gladly accepted. 

Three hours later I was home just cleaning up after dinner assuming the nurse had either forgotten or my results weren't good and she decided against it when my phone rang.  Hi, Jen? This is Nurse X.  Your numbers are low but really good for you, your at 126k!  Congrats!  I thanked her about 11 times before letting her go, with teary eyes I told V. Hugs all around!

A little recap: (Normal: 150k+)
Diagnosis: Sept 2011: 10k
Sept/Oct 2011: Treated with Predniose, I responded well but after coming off my #s steadily went down
April 2012: 90k (per my hematologist < 80k=dangerous/treatment needed)
Remission: Aug 2012: 300k
No Remission for Me: Nov 2012: 115k
This month: Feb 2013: 126k


So it appears that I do indeed have a chronic case of ITP which I will have to monitor for the rest of my life, the good news is that my body is currently holding it's on.  I'm in a place where my internal medicine dr is fine monitoring me and I can proceed with confidence in my Half Marathon training!  God is so good and faithful when we give things up to him, he has provided for me and I couldn't be more thankful.!

In Other News: Time to Start Training

This week I had a horrible nightmare about my upcoming Half Marathon in Portland on May 19th.  Essentially everything went wrong in the most bazaar ways.  I woke up with my heart pounding and feeling as though I had not slept a wink. Maybe my brain knew training way coming?

This morning I received an email the the course route had been revealed.  Not a huge deal since I live out of state, it's not like I can train on the course but it is nice to know.  It looks like it will be beautiful!  Then I got to thinking, I threw out my old training plan but had written a good guideline in my planner at work, How many weeks do I have before I need to get on it?  None, well this week.  Training officially, and gradually, starts next week. Holy Moly!  Reality set in big time!  My boss is doing several races so we chatted about how nervous we are, it's nice to have her to bounce ideas off of.

The moral of the story; I'm not too worried.  I can go out today and do 5 miles with relative ease (my current pace is: 11:36-11:00). I'm about 40% of the way there, not too shabby.  Don't get me wrong I will have to work for the other 8.1 miles but I feel like I can do this.  I've been cross-training , Hello Bodycombat, which I believe is helping immensely.  And having done my first race under a year ago I feel like I have a good grasp on my body (what it needs, what helps etc).

Who else is doing a race soon?  How are you feeling?
-Jen

Happy Things

If you've read my blog for a while you know that every so often I write a random little note about things that make me happy, it's silly and just all around fun for me.  Read if you'd like, and copy if you so feel inclined...I'd love to see what everyone else finds simple pleasure in.



In no specific order:

Thanks Google Images

Graham Crackers with Peanut Butter:

Liam was eating this over the weekend and I decided to steal a bite; oh my gosh, YUM!  Lately we've been sharing this snack, lol!




   

Yep that's the shoe but in Mustard Yellow!

A Bargain:

I went wondering the mall with a co-worker last week over lunch and found adorable heels 75% the sale price.  Super cute (and comfy) heels for $6.25?! Yes please!

Google Images

Liam's Personality:

It's been shining through more each day, he's in a really sweet phase where he'll randomly hug me 100 times a day, I happily take each hug!  Also he'll press his face to my cheek if I ask for a kiss....I also do this 100 times a day.  Lastly over the weekend he started saying "rawr" if we ask him if he's a dinosaur.  Cutest. Thing. EVER!





Coconut Coffee Creamer:

I've always been a full fat creamer kind of girl, even when counting my calories.  Two tablespoons of my Coconut flavored creamer is more than enough to sweeten up my two cups of morning Joe and thetotal ~100 calories are well worth it to me!


 

I've always loved music, when I was single or in the pre-Liam days I'd start first thing in the morning I'd turn it on and UP!  Our current home (rental) makes a sardine can look roomy so I don't get to listen to music as often as I would like (24/7) without disrupting Liam's sleep (big no-no to this Momma).  Thankfully Liam loves music like his Momma so we "sing" in the car going to and from daycare each morning and before Dadda gets home we put the music channel on our TV and dance.  (Dadda loves tv so when he's home it's on his nonsense shows.)  It warms my heat when Liam wants to dance with me! 

My home, be jealous ;)

Spring:

She is a comin'!  The last two Sundays I've been able to get out and run in the great outdoors!  I leave out our front door, run down to the trail along the river and back and get a good 5 miles in within 1 hour (while Liam is napping, double score for this Momma!).  40* plus tunes cranked way up in one earphone and getting my run on equals one very happy lady!



Last but not least a good quote:

Much Love,
Jen

The Thoughts in My Head

I've writen, edited, deleted and re-writen this post more times than I care to admit. It's time to just give in and publish it.
-Jen
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You know the kind, the ones that only surface when you are tired and don't have the energy to keep them at bay or during your dreams when you're not totally in control.  The kind that pop into your head suddenly at 3am and keep you awake when you are desperate for sleep.  Yeah those kind.

I've been avoiding the fact that I had routine blood work done in November, I wanted to establish care with a standard 'ol internal medicine doctor and have my cholesterol checked for good measure.  We discussed my interesting health history (including diagnosis and remission of my ITP) and it was decided to check my platelets for good measure.  I was told if everything were fine I'd receive a letter in the mail with a breakdown of my blood work.  Instead I received a call. I'm no longer in remission.  After just three short months my platelets have gone down by more than 50% and are were below normal, but not at a dangerous level.  Right now my internal med dr is ok with monitoring me again in a few months, depending on that result I'll have to find a hematologist (I can no longer be treated by Dr T due to my lovely insurance).  I'll be checked again in around 60 days as I'm planning another Half Marathon.  The time has come to have my numbers checked so it will be in the next three weeks as I'm about to start training for my second half marathon.

This news was a blow, obviously not as bad as last time but a blow none the less.  I told only a couple friends and waited to tell V because his uncle was in the hospital, he had a heart and was still being monitored.  I needed V's uncle to be a little better before I could burden V with this news.  After a few days uncle was released and Thanksgiving had passed so I brought it up to V, he handles things differently than most people (I think), and often times I have to tell him exactly what I need from him because he follows my lead (if I'm freaked out he freaks out, I'm typically his rock).  So in this instance where I was sad and a little freaked out, I needed him to be my rock.  Initially he got kinda defensive which hurt.  I had to explain to him that I'm not as freaked out as last time and that this will not determine how I live my life but I am sad and I should be allowed that.  Once he understood where I was coming from he was supportive again.  It was strange this time around, I didn't want to hear all the puppies-and-rainbow business, I just wanted to be sad for a moment.  I'm really relating to Christina on Parenthood right now though her diagnosis is clearly much worse than mine.

The holidays were nice, they allowed me to been to push all this to the back of my mind and just sort of be on auto pilot about it all.  I reminded myself that I don't look sick and I don't feel sick, I can still have a relatively normal life and best of all it's not genetic so Liam has no greater chance of having it than I did.  With "the holidays" long gone it's not been as easy to stay busy and a little fear has crept back into my mind.  I've started having nightmares about returning to the Cancer Specialists office for treatments but this time it's the treatments I've feared this whole time.  I have dreams that Dr T is disappointed that I'm not well, as if I've done something to make this return.  I find myself thinking about the strangest details of it all at the strangest times.  I realize this is all just the junk in the back of my mind making it's way forward when I have little control, you know because I'm sleeping (or at least trying to).

I'm still working out, about to start training plan for my next half marathon.  I'm still doing bodycombat for cross training.  I'm still being me and being a wife and mom, still enjoying life.  I refuse to let this define me, I'm just sad that it's even still a part of me, I'm sad I have to accept its back in again.  I have to adjust to the fact that I have a chronic disease for the rest of my life...again and that is going to take some work.  I feel like I'm sort of back at square one, maybe square three or five but back towards the beginning of this whole thing and that is disappointing.

Setting Goals for 2013

I've decided to start setting some specific goals, and posting them here in an effort to be more accountable:

(In no specific order)

• Financial
• Double our savings by 12/31/13
• Finally get V to abide by the budget WE agreed too....one can hope
• start 529 for Liam, contribute to it monthly no matter the amount
• open savings and contribute to it for Disney World Family Vaca in 2015 or 2016
• Find one way/month to save more $$
• Faith
• Jan 3, 2013 begin "bible in a year" plan
• finish reading entire bible 12/31/2013
• Attend church no less than 2 times per month
• Volunteer in nursery with Liam: June, Sept, Dec '13
• Fitness/Health (This can also be considered "Me")
• Three-Five 5ks
• One 10k
• One Half Marathon (Rock N Roll 1/2 in Portland May '13)
• Winter: One Body Combat/Body Pump Type Class Per Week(total 52 classes)
• Winter: One Spinning Classes (or other cardio) Per Week
• Spring & Fall: Run two-three (four while training for Half Marathon)
• Continue to use My Fitness Pal to maintain weight 
• Read 10 Books
• Liam
• maintain "Letters to My Liam" blog (post no less than 1/week)
• Finish Liam's First Year Scrapbook-done!
• upload pictures to website month (end result: yearly family photo book)
• no less than 2 "mommy and me" outings/month
• annual family pictures (professional)
• Donate 50% of the clothes Liam has grown out of, consign the other 50%
• Marriage/Home
• No less than one date night/month
• Surprise V once a month with something small that will make him smile and feel special
• Work to enjoy things my hubby enjoys
• B---h less about video games (surprise him with one?)
• Find House/Buy/Move In/Decorate
• Find/use no less than one new healthy recipe/month
• Create Weekly/Monthly Chore list to stay on top of cleaning better& stress less
• Friends
• One-Two playdates/month
• Once in new house: host little parties quarterly 
• No less than one girls night/month sans Liam
• Once/month do something special for friend (low cost)

Resolutions for 2013

I haven't made a resolution in years.  At this time last year I had a six month old and was newly diagnosed with an unexplainable autoimmune disease, I figured I didn't need one more thing to work on.  I just wanted to focus on the tasks at hand and enjoying the days I was given.  And that I did!

2012 was kind to our family, while yes bad things still happened unfortunately that is just a part of life....life is both the good and the bad.  I choose to focus on the good more than the bad as much as humanly possible.  We had an incredible year with Liam; he's growing, happy and healthy...what more could I ask for?  Not only that but both V and I are in relatively good health and we've been approved to buy our first home (we have opted for the painfully slow process of building instead).  I did my first half marathon, there were camping trips and lots of laughs, I'll always look back on 2012 fondly.

thanks again google images

2013 has some big shoes to fill and I have a list of goals but only one true resolution....I want to take a closer look at my pet peeves and make sure I'm not those things.  I need to really think about them, write them down and begin the true work.  I'm certainly not saying I'll be perfect at the end of 2013 but I think there is always room for improvement.

If you have more specific resolutions I'd love to hear them, I'd happily be your cheerleader!

Much Love,
Jen