February 7, 2011

Hard Day

I never used to be what one would call an “emotional” person. In fact I bet most people thought I was happy, yet internally I was completely numb, I had so much to just get through that I didn’t spend a lot of time on emotions; sympathy, empathy all that were too much time and effort and distracted me from making it through [high school]. I’m proud to say, it took a lot of work but, I am no longer that person. I openly wear my heart and all my emotions on my sleeve. If you want to know how I’m feeling just look at my face, it shows.

I can’t say I always enjoy being a “heart on my sleeve” kinda-girl, it can be really difficult sometimes. Ironically being the girl with her heart out there has lead people (often total strangers) to tell me there life stories but especially of their heartbreak. I literally have had bosses to literal strangers poor their hearts out to me in grocery stores, parking lots…everywhere. Today I’ve heard so many sad stories and all of them have involved children. A child was murdered, a young child was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and on and on it went. And it breaks my heart, I hurt for these children and my friends who need to relieve their hearts and tell someone of these stories. It would be different if I could hear these stories and hear them and be sad and move on but I weep for them, certainly not in front of these friends but later (this evening) I will weep probably a few times.

Needless to say I have not stopped rubbing my belly and talking to baby boy today. Part of me just wants him to be here and for me to be able to hold him in my arms and the other part of me wants to keep him inside me where he is “safe”. It’s just been a hard day.

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