I was uncertain about how I'd feel returning to work in the long term. The immediate future said I had to return; we have to have insurance and need my income. But long term questions plagued me; would I regret it, would I hate it and dread every morning? Would it create chaos in our lives, would everyone be unhappy and stressed? Would I resent not being at home with my baby? Would I soon realize it was a horrible mistake?
I think I've found my answer, and the answer is "no". I have found myself in a place of contentment. A place I'm not sure I've ever been before. Sure life is [much] busier and my relationships (including my marriage) are adjusting to new roles, duties and expectations (and some are being a bit neglected). And is it perfect, probably not. But ya know what? It works, and right now it works really well. I've been blessed to not experience any postpartum depression nor baby blues, over all I'm really happy in my new role with my new life and all the requirements that come with it.
I've always been an organized person, now more than ever I need that skill. And there are still times I look down and think to myself "shit, I forgot that!" but it's never been anything life shattering, and so far I've managed to not forget Liam anywhere! Go me! (Joking people! I would never forget Liam somewhere!) Each night I prepare all the million things I need for the next day for myself and Liam. Each morning I get up earlier than everyone else to get myself ready and make certain I have all the things for Liam and I. I've delegated chores and tasks to V to lighten my load such as the last feeding of the night (momma needs more some sleep!) as well as the first diaper change and getting Liam dressed in the morning. V is also doing a Lion's share of the household chores (we do these when Liam is asleep, spending time with him is the priority).
Along with being crazy organized I've come to really cherish A (or "Nanna" as we are calling her now). I know when Liam is with her that she keeps my "rules" and follows our wishes, I know he's on his schedule (we did not implement this, he just has a very nice natural schedule.) I know exactly who is around him at all times. Fridays are a bit harder with G'ma and G'pa watching Liam, they tend to take liberties (taking him out when he should be napping, holding him while he naps when I want him to nap laying flat, etc) that are frustrating and being put to an ending rapidly. But I know Liam's not at a center where he's just another baby. I know that whether he's with Nanna or G'ma/G'pa he's deeply loved and cared for, that all his needs are meet and he's safe. I know he's fed (breast milk), has a clean diaper, and is enjoying being loved on and played with. All this makes being at work so much easier.
So sometimes I'm running late (well...usually I'm running late now) and my house isn't nearly as clean as I would like and I'm certainly not sleeping in on the weekends....but ya know what I like my life. I'm so thankful for this place of contentment. I know I won't always feel this way, I'll be stressed and want better/more/something different even for a fleeting moment. But right now, this place feels so wonderful I'm going to cherish it.