I'm pretty sick of the village...

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I agree.  However there are times, especially as a new parent that you just want to wing it and figure it out on your own.  I'm pretty sick of my village, especially the women.

Maybe I'm just crabby because I'm at the tail-end of a nasty head cold and the forest fire smoke is killing me slowly.  But this week Liam had his two month shots (yes we vaccinate on the normal schedule).  I took a half day to take care of Liam not knowing how he would react.  In true Liam form he was just fine, he fussed afterward but for the most part was almost immediately back to his normal self.  V called to check on us after the appointment (before he was off work), since Liam was ok he wanted to go to dinner.  I was torn, already exhausted I wanted to go home but we hadn't had a date in weeks.  V's parents (who had already had Liam all day) wanted to spend more time with him, ultimately I gave in.  I'm glad I did, we had a great time, we ate at a chain restaurant in the mall and wondered the mall after for a little bit just being silly and enjoying the time together, after two short hours we were on our way back to our baby.  When we got to G'ma & G'pa's house I could hear Liam crying, it was his "I'm hungry and grumpy cry" go figure G'ma and G'pa hadn't given him his naps all day. UGH!

I scooped Liam up and went up stairs to feed him....two minutes later as my boob lay out in comes G'ma....ugh.  Fine whatever.  Two more minutes pass and G'ma's mom comes in....WHAT!!!  I really should have said something, I mean can't I get a little privacy!??!  My boob is out, my tank pulled up exposing a belly I'm not fond of (to say the least) and I'm trying to feed a baby that is cranky because of you people!  I'm so sick of people wanting to hang out while I breastfeed!  Ok not people but V's family.  Yes this is my fault for not speaking up but you can bet next time I'm locking that darn door! 

I know it takes a village and I'm so thankful to have them but sometimes a Momma just needs to do her own thing.  I need a break from the village, unfortunately I don't see that in the immediate future.

What I'm Loving....

 So every once in a while I like to rave about a few things I'm loving, here is the current list:

Pale Polishes:  I have a pale purple on my toes and a almost white pink on my fingers.  I love them both!  I feel pretty and I can pretend to be somewhat tan!  And let's not lie I love being able to paint my own toes again!

Built-in-Bra Tanks:
Yep, after a long day at work I usually slip one of these bad boys on so Liam has unlimited access to the milk factory, and lets face it they are comfy!

French Vanilla Coffee:  Momma's coffee addiction is in full force!  I even bought a cheap coffee maker, beans and a cute mug with a lid.  There is no turning back now. (p.s. when you search google images for cute coffee mugs the worlds ugliest mugs come up! This was the cream of the crop and it's not so cute...oh well)



Baja Salad:  From Wendy's....omg....I love, love, love this thing!  I don't use the dressing because I don't ever use dressing and I only use a little chili but there is something about the onions, cilantro, guacamole and fresh greens! I've been eating this salad for months!



Learn and Grow Bible:  We've started reading this to Liam, not exactly every night but most nights or at some point in the evening.  He seems to really enjoy it! :)


Sleep:  Nothing new there, but the hubby let me sleep in both days this weekend.  I had grand plans of getting up early and hitting the gym or taking the dogger on a jog....then I heard the sweetest words V has ever spoken "do you want me to take Liam and you can sleep in?"  Cue me doing this:


So what are you loving?

E is for best friend

I have a pretty amazing best friend, and the ironic part is that when we met a good seven years ago we couldn't stand each other.  Today I honestly can't picture my life without her.  She is more like a sister these days and I honestly consider her Liam's aunt with every inch of my heart and soul.  It's funny because she does things I'd never expect of anyone and she does them with a smile on her face.  Come to my infertility appointment? Sure!  Come to all my scary blood tests? Sure!  Show up at the hospital at 4am just to sit in a waiting room?  Sure!!!  Listen to countless hours of conversation about my breasts, vagina or Liam's pop? Absolutely!
She is loving, kind, smart, funny and just all around amazing!  What would I do with her?  I don't ever want to know! Thank you Jesus for E, you knew how much I'd need her in my life!

I like my life...

I was uncertain about how I'd feel returning to work in the long term.  The immediate future said I had to return; we have to have insurance and need my income.  But long term questions plagued me; would I regret it, would I hate it and dread every morning? Would it create chaos in our lives, would everyone be unhappy and stressed?  Would I resent not being at home with my baby? Would I soon realize it was a horrible mistake?

I think I've found my answer, and the answer is "no".  I have found myself in a place of contentment.  A place I'm not sure I've ever been before.  Sure life is [much] busier and my relationships (including my marriage) are adjusting to new roles, duties and expectations (and some are being a bit neglected).  And is it perfect, probably not.  But ya know what?  It works, and right now it works really well.  I've been blessed to not experience any postpartum depression nor baby blues, over all I'm really happy in my new role with my new life and all the requirements that come with it.

I've always been an organized person, now more than ever I need that skill.  And there are still times I look down and think to myself "shit, I forgot that!" but it's never been anything life shattering, and so far I've managed to not forget Liam anywhere! Go me!  (Joking people! I would never forget Liam somewhere!)  Each night I prepare all the million things I need for the next day for myself and Liam.  Each morning I get up earlier than everyone else to get myself ready and make certain I have all the things for Liam and I.  I've delegated chores and tasks to V to lighten my load such as the last feeding of the night (momma needs more some sleep!) as well as the first diaper change and getting Liam dressed in the morning.  V is also doing a Lion's share of the household chores (we do these when Liam is asleep, spending time with him is the priority). 

Along with being crazy organized I've come to really cherish A (or "Nanna" as we are calling her now).  I know when Liam is with her that she keeps my "rules" and follows our wishes, I know he's on his schedule (we did not implement this, he just has a very nice natural schedule.)  I know exactly who is around him at all times.  Fridays are a bit harder with G'ma and G'pa watching Liam, they tend to take liberties (taking him out when he should be napping, holding him while he naps when I want him to nap laying flat, etc) that are frustrating and being put to an ending rapidly.  But I know Liam's not at a center where he's just another baby.  I know that whether he's with Nanna or G'ma/G'pa he's deeply loved and cared for, that all his needs are meet and he's safe.  I know he's fed (breast milk), has a clean diaper, and is enjoying being loved on and played with.  All this makes being at work so much easier.

So sometimes I'm running late (well...usually I'm running late now) and my house isn't nearly as clean as I would like and I'm certainly not sleeping in on the weekends....but ya know what I like my life.  I'm so thankful for this place of contentment.  I know I won't always feel this way, I'll be stressed and want better/more/something different even for a fleeting moment.  But right now, this place feels so wonderful I'm going to cherish it.

New Born Photos

I promised these a long time ago, and I only have time to load one today....but this one is the most fitting!

*Picture Removed by Blog Owner*

A favorite quote of mine...

Hello 4am

I knew this would happen one day, but today?  Liam turned 2 months yesterday and his dad let him sleep almost all day, I warned him this would happen, did he listen?  Of course not, he doesn't stay up when Liam gets up at night.  So here I am, killing time at 4am while Liam is WIDE awake.  Fear not, he's in his crib, totally content (I have the monitor right next to me and our house is small enough I can hear him making noises).  I just pray this doesn't throw his days and nights off completely, we've been so blessed, Liam has always slept at night, at least in a few hour windows.  Tomorrow is going to be a long day, luckily I took the day off in advance cuz I'm already so tired I feel sick.  I hear cereal calling my name.

Update:  Last night turned out to be a success in sheep's clothing!  (I think I'm using that metaphor wrong but it's because I'm exhauted!) I was able to put Liam in his crib and he slept there, only for two hours but it's a start!  Now we are enjoying my [extra] day off together AND he's napping in his crib!!! Glorious success!

8 Weeks Postpartum

Weighty Issues: Yesterday I went in to have an IUD inserted, since Liam was technically naturally conceived we decided to do birth control for now, never in a million years would I have guessed I'd voluntarily go back on birth control.  ANYWAY my point is I was weighed and have lost 38 pounds and have ~7lbs remaing to loose.  I have a long way to go toning wise before I feel like me again....

Stretch Marks: In the final days of my pregnancy I had two patches of stretch marks show on each side of my belly button, since Liam was born my breasts are literally covered in stretch marks.  The ones on my tummy are fading pretty well already.  More than you ever wanted to know, isn't it?

Sleep: Liam still doesn't have a consistent sleep pattern, he's really good about going right back to sleep after being changed and fed at night so at least we have that.  Also V has taken the first feeding of the night, so I can get a few extra uninterrupted hours.

Best Moment this week: Saturday I got up with Liam around 6:45am and fed him, he was bright eyed and bushy tailed so we played on his play-mat, he told me stories (aka made noises) and smiled a ton.  It just melted my heart!

Food: I'm kinda in a food funk, I mostly just want salads, fruit etc.  The usual for me but I am so over cooking lately!

Clothes: Yikes, I could write a book.  All the remaing weight is in my belly, total muffin-top. Gross!  I can wear a few of my pre-pregnancy work-pants and skirts but it's fairly limited and I'm determined to not be this size long so I refuse (*coughs* too cheap *coughs*) to buy more clothes....it's not a good cycle.  I'm officially not wearing any of my maternity clothes anymore, I sorta miss some of them though.

Labor signs: Almost all signs of labor are gone, meaning I am officially healed "down there". I'm scared of sex though....

Belly Button: Looks somewhat like it did before. The line running from my breast to my southern region is pretty light, I imagine it will be gone in another month or two, not that it will see the light of day anytime soon.

What I miss: I miss being pregnant, feeling Liam kick and getting to talk to him all day.  I miss not missing him.  I miss not having to constantly calculate how long things will take and if I can realistically fit any given activity into my day. 
What I’m looking forward too: It's Friday I have three whole days together ahead of me and I'm so excited!  Monday it's just me and Liam.  Need I say more?
Weekly Wisdom: Buy baby gas drops, they are a life saver!  Always cover your little guys' penis every time, he will pee on you when you least expect it.  When your breasts start to tingle go pump, no one likes to leak through their bra and shirt at work.  Give baby a bottle early (~3weeks) even if you want to only breastfeed, there will come a time when baby needs a bottle and you want them to be used to it (we did and Liam goes bottle to boob no problem).  Paci's are ok and not the devil.

Weekly WTF: None...yet...this week anyway! :)

Nesting: HA! I don't have the time or energy, since I get up all night with Liam so most of the house chores fall on V, he's done ok with them (this was his preference).  I do what I can to keep the house respectable but our priority is spending time with Liam.

Milestones: Liam is EIGHT weeks old, he smiles and makes the cutest noises!  He looks at his different toys and enjoys being on his play-mat and swatting at the hanging toys.  He's a very happy baby that only cries when something is wrong (usually a wet diaper because he HATES being wet or a gas bubble.) 

For more on the development of a EIGHT Week Old Baby click HERE.

Week in Review: 1st Week Back at Work

Well I made it through my first week back at work.  In truth it wasn't nearly as bad ad I thought it would be.  I'm certain it was more difficult for me than Liam.  Part of me has enjoyed getting up, dressed and out of the house each day and the adult conversation is nice.  I miss Liam everyday but I get texts from A (who watches him for us) and my boss has let me leave early a few times.  The routine is really nice, Liam has settled right into it and we were able to make it to church this weekend without any extra effort.  And let's face it the extra money coming it helps, our savings took a hit while I was on maternity leave and only collecting 60% of my wages. 

So to review:

Monday: Last day of maternity leave, spent most of the day snuggling and crying.
Tuesday: First day back in the office, cried 3 times & pumped 4 times.  Made weeks worth of main dishes that night, didn't cook the rest of the week!
Wednesday: Second day back in the office, got a good size raise!  Only teared up once, pumped 3 times
Thursday: Third day back in the office, feeling good about routine before work and at work (pumped 3 times).  Now I have a stash of breast milk!
Friday:  Fourth day back in office, G'ma and G'pa took Liam for the whole day; V and I ventured out to dinner and a movie.  Missed my little man like crazy, cried going to pick him up (perhaps the next date will be just dinner). Only pumped four times that day, by the time we picked up Liam my boobies were going to explode!

Saturday:  Liam woke up at 7am ready to be changed, eat and play!  We enjoyed some time on his play mat batting at toys, smiling and giggling.  He fell back asleep about 9am, V was still sleeping so I put Liam in his bassent in our room (and told V) and ventured off to the gym for a glorious 30 minute workout (only 30 minutes because Momma is out-of-shape!).  Liam and I had lunch with a friend at 1pm and spent the rest of the day with V.

Sunday: Liam was up at 7am again ready for the day so V and I got up and took turns playing with and getting him ready and getting ready ourselves, we were out the door for church on time!  After church we went home and enjoyed the rest of the day finishing up house chores, napping and playing together.   What a perfect weekend!

Distraction

What?  Huh? 

This is how I feel a lot of the time now.  I feel like my brain is always in two places.  Often I'm trying to focus on something but in the back of my mind is a running dialog; Is Liam hungry, when did he last eat, I wonder if his diaper is ok, I wish so-and-so would stop bugging him, I want to hold him, he needs a nap.  Or if Liam is at "daycare" I just wonder what he's doing and how he's doing.  No matter where I am, who I'm with this dialog doesn't stop.  I don't mean to be distracted but I am.  I often feel bad, I want to focus fully on who I'm with and what I'm doing but it's difficult.  I do well at work because I know Liam is well taken care of but on Friday V and I went out to dinner and a movie by halfway through the movie I was about to lose it, I wanted to go see my baby!!! 

I wanted children badly, I knew I'd love the baby no matter what...I just didn't know I'd love him this much.  I rush to him after work, knowing full well he's going to sip up on me, I'll have to change poopy diapers and he'll likely get fussy at least once in the night and I'll have no time to myself even though I'm exhausted....and I'm ssssooooo excited to do it every day.  Yeah, I still need a break here and there, but more than an hour and I want to rush back to him again.  I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one that feels like this, feels this constant distraction.  I haven't seen other mommy-bloggers talk about it.  Could it be that I have new momma a.d.d???

The Room that Love Built

I was cleaning up Liam's room today and got to thinking how loved we are.  The room pre-Liam was....well I serious work in progress, I really should have taken before pics but I didn't want to remember it!  Below I've attached a few pics of things people have made or give us for Liam's room, it makes it such a special place! 




My bestie's mom bought Liam these jelly fish on the OR coast and I painted the fish!




Liam's G'pa created this built-in closet and shelves, my bestie made the pillows and I made the letters (and painted the turtle).



The mobile my bestie made and the shark V painted.

I painted these creature and my bestie got me the lotion whale!

What the Crap! Nooooo!

Was the first thought that ran through my mind today when I saw a sad face as a status update from a dear friend.  I refuse to share all the details because it's not mine to share but her journey breaks my heart.  Her and her husband are on a long journey to be parents and today isn't a great day for them.

I spent the morning praying for them every chance I got, I begged God for a miracle on their behalf.  Then after seeing her sad face status update I spent the afternoon questioning God.  Wondering often out loud why their journey is this way, why any of us have to struggle to have children....then I went on to have an argument with myself about how I know that I'm not supposed to know all the ways and whys of God's will.  It was an interesting afternoon in my little pea brain.

I hate infertility, I hate that some have to struggle to have children.  I hate that anyone even has to "try" and get pregnant.  I hate the loneliness of the struggle.  I hate that it ruins friendships.  I hate that so many don't understand and don't try and relate to those of us who can't just WHAM BAMB THANK YOU MA'AM and get pregnant.  I hate that I can't do anything and don't know why this is happening to my friend.

My heart is heavy for my friend today.

Quality not Quantity

Today I returned to work, this morning as I drove Liam to drop him off I cried trying to talk to him.  I cried as I dropped him off and cried as I drove to work.  It's the most unnatural thing in the world to leave your newborn knowing you won't see him all day.

Liam did fine.  He seemed to enjoy the fact that he was with someone new.  A, who watched Liam for us, sent me texts throughout the day letting me know how much he had ate, when he napped etc.  It was so wonderful.  Only one of my coworkers was in the office and my boss was out of town....it was actually really nice to have a quiet first day in the office.  My coworker and I chatted most of the day and she even treated me to ice cream to get the day to go by.  I stayed fairly busy learning a email email program and the day was over before I knew it.

While I may not get the number of hours with Liam I decided to make the best of the hours I do have.  I'm only blogging right now because he's sleeping...snuggling on Dadda's nap.  I've made three nights' worth of dinners, which are now in the fridge for enjoyment throughout the week.  This will allow me more quality time with not only Liam but V.  (For those interested I filled my oven with chicken breasts to bake, big turkey burger meat balls, and seasoned baby-red potatoes...I'll add these items to pasta& salads and other sides that I can make quickly throughout the week.)

Quality not quantity, right?