December 2, 2010

Potentially Deep Thoughts

Lately I feel like the deep thoughts are few and far between.  Let's face the music, I'm usually thinking about food, sleep or my hurting tummy.  Once in a while a work thought or something about V and the baby float effortlessly by...but....mostly it's food and sleep.

The last few days I've had a few deepish thoughts have wondered on in, could this possibly be a sign I'm starting to feel better, please sweet Jesus!!  Anywho...

First is "I should be more thankful"  this actually doesn't stem from my Attitude Of Gratitude posts nor Thanksgiving itself.  Allow me to paint a picture for you, wait...never mind that...I'll just tell you!  I was driving home from somewhere and thinking to myself, gosh I'd really like to see the baby again, it's been a month I bet (s)he looks so different!  Then it occurred to me the only women who do see their babies super frequently are those with difficult pregnancies and/or a history of loss etc.  And those women NEED to have their babies carefully watched.  By all appearances my pregnancy is healthy and "normal" so I don't NEED to see my babe as often.  For that I should seriously be way more thankful.  I'm working on it, though the desire to see my babe never decreases.

The second came from a post on my facebook today, a semi-friend said "...I loved being preggo."  And I honestly thought to myself, "do I love being pregnant?"  Around 6 weeks when I was SO sick and had no medicine and had not yet figured out how to manage my all-day-long sickness I would have honestly said to myself "NO".  Now that I can manage my sickness better, how do I feel?  Well, worried mostly.  Pregnancy is crazy, and so many things can go wrong, or be just down right scary.  And worst of all you have almost no control over it.  You desperately love this little being from the moment you know it exists but you are virtually helpless to keep it alive.  This worry has taught me more about fully relying on God who ultimately knows the outcome of every pregnancy and life in general.  But it's kinda terrifying to be totally honest.  I hate the worry and lack of control.  Don't get me wrong, pregnancy is amazing and I love knowing I'm growing this little miracle but at the same time pregnancy is such a challenge on so many levels.  Perhaps I will love being pregnant more when I know baby's gender and can name him/her with V and feel him/her kicking.  Right now I long to have my baby in my arms.

Perhaps this is more of me just talking out loud to myself than real deep thoughts but I had to get them out of my head to make more room for thinking about sleep :)

1 comment:

  1. i truly believe that pregnancy is one of the few things that we can not control. and then by seeing that i have seen so much else about us and our Lord.