Heatbreak

Today I was going to write a overly sappy post about how this year has been hard but in the end it redeemed it's self blah blah blah. 
Then I learned early this morning my dear friend lost her baby.  Heartbreak.  It feels so unfair, I want to shout at the universe "you screwed up!".  She is such a wonderful woman and although I can't say I know her husband well, if he's lucky enough to be married to her I'm sure he's amazing too.  I've cried on and off most of the day.  I feel so helpless, there is nothing I can do to even remotely sooth her pain, her loss, her heartbreak.  I want so desperately to help her, each of my tears is another prayer to God to comfort her during this horribly sad time.
Having a child is the one thing in a woman's life that you just assume will work out naturally and be easy yet it turns out for so many it's a huge struggle.  It's a wonder humanity goes on at all.
So today I'm a bit down for her.  I'm considering postponing my baby-related posts for a while out of respect for the things she is going through, just a heads up.

113 Days Preggo a Survey

• How far along; 16 weeks, 1 day!
• Weighty Issues: up a total of eleven, still on track for a healthy amount of weight gained!
• Stretch Marks: Not yet!
• Sleep: is amazing! Except I wake up to pee no less than twice and at least one of those times I struggle to get back to sleep.....I suppose it's just training for later!
• Best Moment this week: Hearing baby's heart beat on Monday!  The dr found baby's ticker easily and it was a strong 160 beats per minute, we also scheduled our anatomy scan for Jan 18th, the day after V's bday!
• Food Commentary: I'm having a hard time with items I loved just weeks ago which is weird.  Still hate cheese. I'm still obsessed with cucumbers, I'll peal and eat a whole one in a single sitting, yum!
• Maternity Clothes: Maternity pants full time, I can still pull off some of my pre-preg shirts which is nice but I must admit maternity shirts are so comfy!  I should probably get stock in Old Navy!!
• Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far far too early for that business!!!! I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks.
• Belly Button In or Out: Still in...seems a bit wider though. I've also noticed my belly getting harder, especially on the sides, neat!
• What I miss: Working out, I'm going to start pre-natal yoga after the new year! And zit cream, I have these super sexy zits on my chest, I've got to find something to use on those!
• What I'm looking forward to: 20 days until our anatomy scan!! 
• Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy the good days they make the hard days easier. 
• Weekly WTF: WTF boobie zits!!!  Gross! 
• Nesting: dad-in-law has done a ton of work on the spare room, I can start nesting after it's done!!!
• Milestones: I can not believe I'm four months pregnant! I read in one of my books that the risk of miscarriage is below 3% now!!!  

For more on a 16 week baby click here.

Also I've decided to just do my weekly bump pics on the weekends, it's just easier and honestly I feel prettier when I have fresh makeup on.  So watch for those! For now:

Location: Cloud Nine

I took today off from work because I had some PTO (paid time off) that was "use or loose".  I must admit it was nice to have a four day weekend.  We spent yesterday cleaning in prep for dad-in-law to start work on the spare/baby room so the tree and Christmas decor came down and we gave most everything a once over, and by we I mean mostly V, he's so good to me!  V headed off to work early this am and hunger had me rising not long after.  I love my hubby but I so enjoyed the quiet of having the house to myself.  I ate a good breakfast and got ready before nibbling on a afternoon snack so I could head out and do a few errands.  Dad-in-law arrived just as I was leaving, yay!

I spent a lovely afternoon leisurely doing errands at the bank, then Old Navy (maternity pants for $15?! Heck yes!), and a few other places before meeting my love for a lunch of burritos, Yum!  Time passed quickly.  Before I knew it, it was time for me to head of for my routine 16 week appointment with Dr. Wonderful.  I was happy the wait was much shorter than usual, I sat there for maybe 10 minutes at most!  Yippie!  The staff there is so sweet, I'm always impressed that everyone knows me by name, guess I shouldn't been I see them so often but it's still nice.  It was your standard: blood pressure, pee in a cup (they check protein and insulin levels at every appointment), weigh in (still on a healthy track!) and Dr Wonderful came in to do the Doppler.  160 perfect beats per minute!  Whew!  I could listen to that sound all day long!  I had no questions so we went out and scheduled our anatomy scan!!!  Jan 18th!  I'll be 19 weeks exactly and it's the day after my hubby's birthday! Perfect!

It's been a wonderful day, now I sit at our window watching big fluffy snow flakes fall and I don't think I've ever been happier in my life.

Christ-mas

Whew we finally made it!  All the hassle and bustle is over (and shopping thank the Lord).  After Church on Christmas Eve V and I finally got to spend some quality time with family and it was so needed.  Even though 90% of V's family lives here, somehow we don't find the time to see the extended family until the holidays.  This year was rare because one of V's aunts and her family were in from out of state.  It was nice to get to know them a bit better.  We had a lovely dinner at V's Grandparents (on V's dads side of the family), did gifts and just hung out.  The next morning V and I exchanged gifts, he's so good to me, he always buys me the things I would never buy for myself yet drool over.  Then we headed out to V's parents house to exchange gifts with them and hang out before heading to another Aunt & Uncles house (this time on mom-in-laws side) to see that side of the family.  Again a lovely meal and time where had.  Before we knew it though it was time to return home and rest the belly. 

V's family is amazing on many levels but one thing that struck me this year is the life length.  What I mean by that is that many of his grandparents and great aunts and uncles are still alive well into their eighties and beyond.  I find this impressive even though I'm not sure why.  It's a neat feeling to know with a fair certainty that V's grandparents will be around to not only see our child be born but to spend time with him/her, heck they will probably want to watch the little one and they are all so healthy and active and frankly "with-it" I'd happily let them.

It feels like with each passing day of my pregnancy I learn more about what real family is and what it really means.  Family is amazing and so special, it's still kinda hard to believe that soon V and I will have our own little family.  I can't wait!

I hope all of you had a lovely Christmas and found extra time for some family you don't get to see very often.

Merry Christmas from Our Family to Yours!

Body making room for baby (link)

I found this link a long time ago, it shows the way a woman's body changes during pregnancy.  I think it's crazy (in a good way) how early the organs start adjusting to make room for the baby.

Click here to check it out!

107 Days Preggo....a Survey

• How far along; 15 weeks 2 days
• Weighty Issues: up a total of eight, I'm sure it will be more after all the Christmas goodies I've eaten :) 
• Stretch Marks: No official one.... yet
• Sleep: I'm getting better at going to bed early, yay me! I wake up at least twice to pee each night...boo!
• Best Moment this week: We bought bedding (it's fairly neutral) and may have decided on a boy name (we've had a girl name for almost a year).  Wahoo! 
• Food Commentary: Cravings are less intense, in fact I think now they are more of I see someone eating something yummy and it sounds so good I want one :)  I still can't stand the thought of cheese but I can live with that.  And I haven't thrown up since the fluke about a week ago! Yay! 
• Maternity Clothes: Maternity pants full time, I can still pull off some of my pre-preg shirts which is nice. 
• Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far far too early for that business!!!! I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks.
• Belly Button In or Out: Still in...seems a bit wider though.
• What I miss: Working out, I'm going to start pre-natal yoga after the new year! 
• What I'm looking forward to: Our spare room will be fixed up the end of next week and we can prep for paint after we find out the baby's gender end of January. (right after V's birthday!)
• Weekly Wisdom: Sleep more! (and Enjoy the small moments!)
• Weekly WTF:  I don't have one this week.
• Nesting: I'm so ready to nest!!!!
• Milestones: This is the second week of my second trimester which is super impressive to me :)

For more on the development of a 15 week baby click here.

p.s. sorry I've been so random with the pics, I'll work on that!

Good Choices

Back when V and I started dating I made it very clear that in one year (when I finished putting myself through college) I had a one way ticket out of the town we lived in.  I wanted to live somewhere I could make good use of my education.  He understood and told me he'd go where-ever I went.  We dated for about two years before getting engaged and now we've been married almost three years.  Five years later we never did leave.

It's not like we didn't discuss it, in fact we still discuss moving.  You see I have no relationship with my parents, or really anyone in my family, but that is a story for another day.  So we only have V's family, which I've mentioned before is rather large in quantity and so loving.  Before we got married it occurred to me if he left this town for me it would be unavoidable that our someday children would be raised far from their only extended family.  I just wasn't comfortable with that so we made the choice, and have made the choice over and over again to stay here.  I likely won't have my dream career here, the cost of housing is re-donkulous and I still daydream of moving away BUT family is here....our family.

This has only become more and more special over the last year like when I really needed mom-in-laws support as we approached fertility testing and treatment.  Or when we feared our miracle pregnancy was going to be ectopic and unviable.  And now more than ever it's so special that we have them so close, just this morning bro-in-law drove into town in below freezing temps just to help us with getting a few heavy items out of the spare room in prep for the babe. (Bro-in-law lives with mom and dad-in-law about 25 miles out of town).  To him it was nothing special, he was helping family and his niece or nephew to be, he wouldn't have it any other way.

It's safe to say we've made a good and the right choice in staying here, our child will be raised among a large and loving family.  Just warms my heart!

Hello Second Trimester, I love you (survey)

• How far along; 14 weeks 2 days
• Weighty Issues: up one lb for a total of eight gained.
• Stretch Marks: No official one yet.
• Sleep: need....more....sleep!!!
• Best Moment this week: After being scared sideways due to two days of spotting and increasing pain in my left ovary area I got to see my child on Tuesday. He/she looks like a real baby and I got to see him/her wiggling!!  (maybe it was nap time, he/she would kick a little or swat like the ultrasound wand was bugging him/her!  sssoooo cute!)
• Food Commentary: Cravings are much less intense, aversions are holding strong.  I have been able to introduce more fruits and veggies back into my diet....slowly :)  Although I did throw up for the first time the other night, let's hope that was a fluke :)
• Maternity Clothes: I can still wear non-maternity shirts but most of my pre-pregnancy pants don't fit.  Someday the maternity work slacks I ordered online will arrive and I'll be much more comfortable.  (yes you sense annoyance in my voice, I ordered them well over two weeks ago, grrrr!) 
• Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far far too early for that business!!!! I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks.
• Belly Button In or Out: Still in, I noticed today I can peak inside it much more easily....weird.
• What I miss: Working out.  My Dr says I can but with the spotting I've had over the last three weeks I'm hesitant.  I'm considering trying a local prenatal place, gulp. 
• What I'm looking forward to: Everything, I'm ready to buy the crib and bedding and pick out names! 
• Weekly Wisdom: Sleep more!
• Weekly WTF: When in doubt call your Dr.  They are the only one qualified to tell you if your worrying over nothing, and if you are really scared ask for reassurance (such as having the heart beat checked or an ultrasound).  As my Dr said yesterday; "Call and come in, it takes us 33 seconds to check on the baby and make sure everything is fine." 
• Nesting: I'm so ready to nest!
• Milestones: Everyday feels like a victory and thus a milestone.  Oh and I read this morning I'm in the second trimester!  Wahoo! 

 For more developmental info on a 14 week baby click here.

Is it just me or what?

I love this time of year, really I do, but.....if I'm really honest I love Thanksgiving more, much more.  During the month of November people make a sincere effort to be more thankful and kind to one another. The family time is a special kind of wonderful. Then... Black Friday hits and it all becomes about shopping and spending and spending.  I fall victim every year, the thoughts of "I should really spend more on so-and-so because I bought other so-and-so XY and Z."  I hate and I really mean hate that we do this to this season.  Lately I have to actively remind myself of the REAL reason for the season, the root word of Christmas.  This "holiday" was never ever intended to be about stuff but about it should be Christ centered.  I'll do my best to stay off my soapbox, I'm just being honest about the struggle I'm having this year.  I feel so much pressure to spend so much money on so many people all the while in the back of my mind I have a running total of the $ we need to start spending on our child for things he or she will need.  It's really frustrating, throw in all the extra hormones I have ragging through my body daily and well I'm kinda... irritable.  I feel pulled in every direction when I'm just flat out exhausted.  So someone please tell me I'm not the only one?

Festive-ness

This year V and I kept the Christmas decor to a minimum but I still feel like our little home is festive with our real Christmas Tree and Nativity Scene set up (my bestie got me this beautiful Nativity Scene last year!) This week I'm taking part in a "Festive" photo challenge over at Razmataz.  Check her out!

13 week survey & Picture

• How far along; 13 weeks, 2 days
• Weighty Issues: I haven't weighed myself since my dr appt and don't plan too :)
• Stretch Marks: I think I have two starting....one on each of my boobies :(
• Sleep: I really need to focus on getting more sleep each night!  8 hours is no longer enough!
• Best Moment this week: V and I bought a ornament for the tree that says "Dad, Mom, Baby 2010" next year we'll get one that has the baby's actual name on it! 
• Food Commentary: It's getting better!  I have less cravings and less aversions everyday (knock on wood!)
• Maternity Clothes: Not everyday, I'm using a rubber band on my work pants until the maternity-work-slacks I ordered arrive.  My non-maternity shirts still fit fine.
• Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far far too early for that business!!!! I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks.
• Belly Button In or Out: Still in, a little more tender these days.
• What I miss: I can't think of anything really, I'd love to have more energy but I'm ok without it too.
• What I'm looking forward to: Our next ultrasound (likely not until the end of Jan)
• Weekly Wisdom: Sleep more!
• Weekly WTF: I got nothing. 
• Nesting: Not nesting but starting to clear out the room that will be the babies room!
• Milestones: My babe has finger prints!

Whoops!

I spent some time today trying to clean up my labels, in the process I posted a bunch my drafts that I had written along this journey, now most are invalid.  So I pulled them down, just wanted to explain in case you saw them are where like WTF?  :)  Just another Blondie moment!

Potentially Deep Thoughts

Lately I feel like the deep thoughts are few and far between.  Let's face the music, I'm usually thinking about food, sleep or my hurting tummy.  Once in a while a work thought or something about V and the baby float effortlessly by...but....mostly it's food and sleep.

The last few days I've had a few deepish thoughts have wondered on in, could this possibly be a sign I'm starting to feel better, please sweet Jesus!!  Anywho...

First is "I should be more thankful"  this actually doesn't stem from my Attitude Of Gratitude posts nor Thanksgiving itself.  Allow me to paint a picture for you, wait...never mind that...I'll just tell you!  I was driving home from somewhere and thinking to myself, gosh I'd really like to see the baby again, it's been a month I bet (s)he looks so different!  Then it occurred to me the only women who do see their babies super frequently are those with difficult pregnancies and/or a history of loss etc.  And those women NEED to have their babies carefully watched.  By all appearances my pregnancy is healthy and "normal" so I don't NEED to see my babe as often.  For that I should seriously be way more thankful.  I'm working on it, though the desire to see my babe never decreases.

The second came from a post on my facebook today, a semi-friend said "...I loved being preggo."  And I honestly thought to myself, "do I love being pregnant?"  Around 6 weeks when I was SO sick and had no medicine and had not yet figured out how to manage my all-day-long sickness I would have honestly said to myself "NO".  Now that I can manage my sickness better, how do I feel?  Well, worried mostly.  Pregnancy is crazy, and so many things can go wrong, or be just down right scary.  And worst of all you have almost no control over it.  You desperately love this little being from the moment you know it exists but you are virtually helpless to keep it alive.  This worry has taught me more about fully relying on God who ultimately knows the outcome of every pregnancy and life in general.  But it's kinda terrifying to be totally honest.  I hate the worry and lack of control.  Don't get me wrong, pregnancy is amazing and I love knowing I'm growing this little miracle but at the same time pregnancy is such a challenge on so many levels.  Perhaps I will love being pregnant more when I know baby's gender and can name him/her with V and feel him/her kicking.  Right now I long to have my baby in my arms.

Perhaps this is more of me just talking out loud to myself than real deep thoughts but I had to get them out of my head to make more room for thinking about sleep :)

Winter

Have I mentioned lately it's winter here?  I'm talking real winter, with standing snow on the ground, maybe 5 inches and below freezing temps.  I know some places don't get all the seasons and for those people I am deeply sad.  I totally complain about winter but I wouldn't have it any other way.   Even with all the bad drivers and the people who are terrified to drive in the snow and thus drive 10 miles an hour, even then I still love each season, even winter.   I grew up in a town about an hour away with a higher elevation and we got WAY more snow so I can totally drive in it, so if you go 10mph I'll just pass you!

I love all the seasons and how they bring something new and fresh to the world.  I know it's cheesy but true.  This winter feels particularly special and exciting, I'm more excited about the Holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years) than I have been in a long time, and I'm usually pretty excited.  Although I've had no time to decorate just yet, hopefully this weekend I'll have a two hour burst of energy to get some things up and have our little house feeling more festive!  V and I have gotten real trees every year since we were dating, at the very least that would be the last 5 years and even during my childhood I've never had a fake tree.....this year V wants to move to fake and I'm just not ready.  I LOVE the smell of a real tree and can't imagine not having one (until babe is a toddler and a fake tree is more stable). 

Here is a picture, I stole from google, it's of the University in my town, all covered in snow.