September 11, 2010

An Emotional Jounrey on an Elliptical

This Saturday morning I decided it was time again to make use of my gym membership, the one that has collected dust most of the summer. I slept in, ate, watched some tv and then headed off.

Luckily it was a quiet day which allowed me my choice of equipment, since it had been a few weeks I decided cardio would be best. I warmed up on the treadmill but quickly grew bored so I moved to the elliptical trainer. Boy was I in for a journey.

I was listening to a song by John Waller called "While I'm waiting" and it hit me hard. I put it on repeat and allowed myself to journey in deep emotionally. Soon I was having a silent conversation with myself concerning all this baby makin' stuff. It went a little like this:
(question/statement, reply)

I think V and I need to ask our pastors and elders for prayer about all this stuff.
EK! How would we do that? It seems scary!
After church maybe?
NO everyone will see you crying and ask questions!
ok, In an email? But which pastor do you ask first? How do we ask the elder board to pray for us? Can we email them?
Ek! What if we have to tell them I'm not having a period which equals not ovulating etc?!?! I really don't want to explain that to a bunch of men!
I don't think they will make us explain it
*tears start to well up*

Ok, ok we are in public lets try to be rational, k?
Seriously though, should we ask now or wait?
Well if it's on our minds now....I dunno...I'm scared
Do you think they will talk about it, like have conversations about it?
That makes me nervous.
What if the treatments never work?
Do not think like that!

I feel sick!
Are you breathing?
Then breathe!

(Song: I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step with obedience)
What does that mean?

(song: I will worship while I'm waiting, I will service you while I'm waiting)
check, I'm totally serving like I know I should

(song starts over; I am waiting, I'm waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful. I am waiting on you Lord though it is painful. I will wait. But patiently I will wait. I will move a head bold and confident, taking every step with obedience. While I'm waiting I will service you, while I'm waiting I will worship, while I am waiting, I will not fade, I'll be running the race, even while I wait.)

I'm confused, are you confused?
This sucks

I wanted to share this with you because I know I have readers going though the same things I am. I'm sure you are asking yourself the same questions (maybe with friends instead of pastors). My point is this is a lonely journey and no answer is right. We need to support each other. I am here for you and I hope you will be here for me.
On a side note I find interesting. I realized as I am falling asleep last night that our testing appointment is exactly 11 months to the day that we start trying. Pretty interesting.

1 comment:

  1. I love you, Jen! You know you can count on me if you ever need to talk/vent. I will only listen if that's what you need. I will try my best at advice, if that's what you need. Everything will turn out great, I promise, even if it's not the way you particularly want it to go, the journey will be so worth it!