Rollercoaster of Emotions

I'm so emotionally unpredictable these days, today is CD 4 (cycle day four). I'm so thankful to be on a new cycle but in the exact same breath I am so sick of this period, it's been heavy and challenging (cramps etc). I feel horrible and ungrateful even though I'm not I'm very grateful. Mostly I'm very hormonal. Seems most people around me can tell, and for that I'm sorry (at least for the moment). I'm up and down, one moment I'm fine the next I'm not. Poor V. I feel badly for him, though he seems to be handling it ok. One moment I am so thankful to have a new cycle the next I'm so sad because I'm on my period and that means I'm still not pregnant. What a difficult journey.

But you know me, I still have a ton of hope. I know God is sovereign over all and will take care of me and provide us with the baby we so desire. V. has even been reading through our baby name book again in search of the perfect boy name (we already have a girl name). It's so cute, I love watching him on this journey.

An Unhealthy Relationship...a vent about my job

Yep, I have decided I'm in an unhealthy relationship....with my job. It's like this boy I dated in high school, I knew we weren't meant to be and really not that great together but it was long term and comfortable. It was easy so I stayed and stayed, I put up with the crap until one day it ended. It's the same with my current job. I've been here over 2 years, I know my job very well and do it very well, I should I'm well over qualified. The day I was hired I was told I'd easily be able to move up into Marketing (where I have a degree) in less than a year, but before that year was over the entire Marketing Department was cut to 10% of it's former size and relocated across the country. My current role is not a challenge, I need almost no supervision, I can alter my hours a little here and there. My direct boss is an amazing man without whom I would have run away screaming a long time ago....But I'm wasting my education here. I'm in a dead end job at a company I don't think will be around in another 2 years. Yes, I'm gainfully employed, and I am so thankful to have made it out of the recession with my job intact but everyday here is exhausting mentally. To come here and deal with incompetent and lazy co-workers has worn on me excessively so. Don't get me wrong, clearly I have my lazy moments, I'll admit to them BUT I don't have a quota either.

I guess it's ultimately so hard because I've always had horrible bosses, for the first time I have a really great one and I'm afraid to loose that. Why am I bitching? I guess I'm just trying to pump myself up for the interview I have this afternoon. As much as I hate my job, it is comfortable and my boss is amazing. It will kill a little piece of me to have to leave him, but I know I must do what I must do. This is what is best for me and my family long term and I know bossman will understand. Even though I know I need to take this step I feel a bit lost.

A Period and a Personal Day.

Consider this your warning, I’ve started my period so I’m hormonal and I’m gonna talk about it! LOL! So if you don’t want to hear the ramblings of a woman on her first period in...Oh say 4 months, I’d come back tomorrow. LOL!

Just kidding so far, today, my hormones are level. I’ve never been so happy to have a period in my whole life! I was secretly terrified that I would be one of the few women for whom provera would not induce a period. I finished my provera on Friday and just after church on Sunday she showed, and is she ever here! I feel sorta clueless, my first two periods off birth control were really unpredictable and light with few side effects (ei. Cramps, bloating etc etc etc) not to mention that was ¼ of a year ago. This one is here full force, cramps, nausea, mood swings and all! Side note, I am not one of those women who gets PMS (pre menstrual syndrome), nope all that fun stuff starts when she shows, yikes!

So my poor doggie was feeling really ill over the weekend, typically she is a really energetic dog and all Saturday she just lay around the house, didn’t eat or drink much. V. hooked up our little air conditioning unit for the dogs benefit as much as ours. By Sunday our dog wasn’t a ton better but acting a little bit on the up and up, unfortunately by evening she was clearly not making enough progress. I texted my boss that I would need a personal day to take her to the Vet, luckily my boss is a dog lover too and didn’t mind. Thankfully I already have ~60 hours of personal/vacation/sick time saved so far this year so it’s not a big deal. It was quite the ordeal to get her an appointment Monday morning since I also wanted to switch vets, eventually we got her in and had a great experience, some fluids and an Rx later we were on our way home to mend. She’s been really good about taking her meds (it helps that mom bought some tasty wet dog food to hind them in ;)). Other than that my personal day hasn’t been as relaxing as I had hoped. I’ve cleaned the kitchen and bathroom really well, vacuumed the whole house, done dishes (how do those pile up SO quickly?!?!) and de-clutered by office/the spare bedroom (the someday-nursery!). It feels good to have the house a little cleaner than usual, V. does something’s but he certainly doesn’t scrub. Good thing he’s cute! Poor guy I came out of the bathroom Sunday after returning from church (and discovering my period was here), he was walking by me and I grabbed his arm and with tears in my eyes said “I’m on my period” he was unsure how to respond so he just hugged me, I cried a little (told you I’m hormonal!) And said to him “I’m sorry I’m a bit loony lately, I love you lots, thanks for putting up with me.” He hugged me tighter. I can tell this whole thing has been hard on him too, I so love watching him wave at the cute babies in church and ooo at them, it’s so sweet. He’s going to be the best daddy!

So onward and upward! I’m REALLY hoping my body gets a clue and has a cycle on its own. We shall see though. God’s plans aren’t usually my own yet his are always infinitely better.

Goodbye Provera Pills

*please note provera looks nothing like this image*

I am so excited! Tonight will be my last provera pill! Ten days went by so quickly! It's been a pretty good ten days! I got to see and old friend and her baby girl and have a little home decor party the other night. I was so excited that baby girl liked me, I know that sounds odd but my friend and her hubby live 8 hrs away and I've never met baby girl before, she's already 8 months old! A good time was had by all, my home decor party was tiny but I so enjoyed the company of the people who did come. And really what else matters?

And on top of that I applied for another job yesterday and got a call just a few hours later! I have an interview on Monday! I'm excited and scared but feel confident, it's it's supposed to be the Lord will guide my path and if not he will lead me away from that.

Last but not least, it's Friday!! I am so tired today it's crazy! I can't wait to go home, slip on some comfy clothes and watch movies with my Love! I so enjoy married life!

Today is a Good Day!

I'm sure by now you have heard my whine about my job. Let me first say I know full well that I am beyond blessed to still be gainfully employed, I know far too many people who have been out of work for up to and beyond a year. But that doesn't make my job any less stressful. Needless to say I am searching for a new job (I didn't get the one I recently had an interview for and I'm 100% ok with it).

I decided to go out on a bendy branch and ask our former Chief Operating Officer to be a reference for me. While she worked here I had the chance to get to know her fairly well, she in fact was the person who interviewed and hired me at this company, and while sometimes she could be a pain in the [BLEEP!] she was and is a very nice person and an incredible career woman. I am happy that she has moved on as it means more time with her full grown children and MUCH less stress in her life. I look up to her in many was, but she could be a bit unpredictable and I wasn't even sure the email I had for her was still functioning. I figured the worst she could say was no or not answer me at all. So I sent up a flair prayer and hit send. This could be really helpful in the future search, I mean really? Hello! Having a reference from the COO of a decent sized company, not that would be helpful!

I no sooner hit send and had a reply back, (cue shocked face) " Hey Jen, You are AMAZING and I would be glad to give you a reference. Let me know how I can help. I always think of everyone and miss you lots. Blessings, [former COO name here]" Tears of Joy! She said yes!! I have already put her info on my resume' now to search for something worthy of my (now much more) awesome resume'!!!

I just had to share! So tell me why today is a Good Day for you! I want to hear stories!

Jade Green

Is my favorite color, well in truth all shades of green are my favorite color(s). Ironically this was not the case about two and a quarter years ago. That's right it was not until my wedding day that green really became my favorite color. Silly, I know but it's true. I was married on a crisp March afternoon just a few days before St Patrick's Day (that is a story for another day, sorry). There is something about March, it's so much more special to me now, it brings so much hope...the long winter is attempting to end, flowers and trees are doing their best to bring some color and life back to the world and it comes first as little pops of green.

Over the last two years, I have slowly acquired a growing love for all shades of green. I wear it (thankfully I can rock it!), I want to paint the walls the color (not all the walls), I buy sheets and accents in all shades, essentially I add it to my life during all the seasons of the year. My newest addition in the shade of green, jade green, is a Dell Laptop. V. thinks it's loony but doesn't care. He's not a big fan of computers and could really care less, I think he's just thankful it's not pink (yes I do wear a lot of pink). Could you see my manly husband using a pink laptop?? The sight just makes me giggle!!

I have so enjoyed typing my first blog post on my new "Greenie" (yes I named my laptop, I am officially that girl, LOL!) I have a feeling her and I are going to have a long road of blog posts together!

This isn't her exactly but you get the idea:


So what do you think? Is there a story behind your favorite color?

My Hope Overflows

The last two or so days I've had an excess of hope, it's been really nice. I'm officially 1/2 way through my provera Rx so in the next 7-21 days I'll have a period, I've never so looked forward to that awful time of the month! Somewhere, somehow in the last 5 or so days my hope has grown like weeds and I'm so happy, nay elated! My heart leaps for joy inside my chest even now! I'm back to my goofy self looking at maternity shirts, and pregnancy apps (for my ipod touch), and day dreaming about pregnancy and all things babies. I'm not sure what "caused" this or if it's just the Big Man upstairs pouring out his amazing love on me but it's so welcome.

A Weekend Escape (Cabin & Lake style)

V's family has a cabin, it was originally built by hand in the 1950's-1960's by his grandma and grandpa. Long story short, V's grandpa passed and willed into the remaining lineal descendants....all 21 of them! It works out that V's mom is one of 5 immediate descendants so the cabin it spilt up for a weekend for each of them on a rotating 5 week schedule. So every 5th week or so we have the the opprotunity to go up and enjoy the heck out of it, and we do as often as we can! Sometimes the mom-in-law and dad-in-law come (rarely do the bro-in-law or sis-in-law come which is ok with me).

So Friday night V. and I scurried around after work getting all the necessities ready and hit the open road. It's a little more than an hour to get there and if I remember correctly it's the last of three good size lakes we pass so it's a very enjoyable ride! This is the exact moment I feel that we have arrived, it's the first of the lakes and we still have a while to drive but that feeling is priceless!
V had gone up and fished last weekend (with permission from his aunt, whose weekend it was) while I enjoyed a Saturday with my bestie of girl chat and pedicures, the point being our new-to-us boat was already there along with the trailer so we just took the truck up. It was a special treat for me not to have to drive. With my earphones in I chilled to my ipod tunes while V. drove the miles away.

By early evening we had arrived (only after stopping several times in search of some "live bate" for V.). Our mutt, who has no tail (not due to us, she was that way when we got her) as you can felt rather abandoned when Dad went into the 3rd place for bate.

We finally arrived and after getting settled we enjoyed a BEAUTIFUL Sunset!

We so enjoy the cabin, especailly so this weekend! I feel so refreshed!!! Mom-in-law and Dad-in-Law came up on Saturday, V and his dad fished most of the day and Mom-in-law and I had some qulaity time to talk. She is a total blessing to me and has a way of supporting me/us that I so need.

Some more pretty moutains, yes with snow in June.

Until Next time!

Much Love,

Jen

The next day was perfect too! (can you see the snow on the moutains in the distance?)

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for everything. I know things can be much worse and so many struggle with such difficult circumstances. Life could certainly be much worse, I'm thankful for all my blessings.

So what are you thankful for?

Much Love,

Jen

An End in Sight for Cycle #3

I finally had my dr’s appointment to ask questions yesterday. I’m surprised by how well it went. I didn’t feel rushed and I held it together really well, I only got a little misty eyed once! I went through all my well thought out questions and feel like I got all of them answered. For now I’m on a 10day prescription of Provera to induce a period, which can happen at any point in the next 2 weeks. With the hope that my body will go back to having a cycle on it’s own since I had two normal length cycles before this monster of a cycle. If my next cycle is long we’ll stop it at 60 days so I don’t have to worry about going nearly as long. Essentially my dr doesn’t want to test for anything unless I have another long cycle. Then we can look at PCOS and other potential factors, she thinks that I might not be making enough estrogen. Who knows. I just feel glad to have a plan in place and to at least feel like I might know what the next few months could look like. I know she is only a dr and only God knows what is going to really happen but I am SO thankful to feel some sense of what is going on. I feel so much better (other than I think I might already be experiencing side effects from my first pill, oh well whatever it takes!)
Whew!



With much HOPE and Love,

Jen

Wisdom

Yesterday my dr was called into emergency surgery and hence my appointment was rescheduled for today. I won't lie it stressed me a bit. This is a hard thing to be going through, and at times I feel pretty alone. Until I realize God is right here with me, he's going through it with me and has provided me an amazing husband to walk this road with me, this is our journey and God has us right where he wants us. We just have to continue walking out his plans for us.

My bestie sent me a link to this blog called Masterpiece Mothering and today's post really touched me, click below to read it. I hope it blesses you and touches your heart the way it did mine.

Masterpiece Mothering

~Much Love~

Amy Grant - Better Than a Hallelujah

One Hundred and Eleven Days...

...since my last period. Ugh. I'm sorta mad my dr has let this cycle run this long. It's now been 1/4 of a year since I've had a period. For the most part I've handled this whole thing pretty well, but today I'm angry. I can't believe this is my journey. But maybe anger is what I need to insure I actually press my dr for some answers, for something resembling a plan. I have a bad feeling I'm going to have to find another dr. My current dr hasn't tested me for PCOS and I'm fairly certain that I do in fact have it at this point, she also wants me to put me on Provera. I have a a million thoughts running, screaming through my mind. All I want is some calm.

I know God's will is going to prevail over all of this mess....I feel like that Amy Grant song (see video I just posted) "beautiful the mess we are."

I'll update you tomorrow after my appointment.

Until Next Time,
~Much Love~

Reading the Bible in one Year

So a while back my community group through church (or my "odd little family" as we call each other) started reading the bible in a year. At first I was terrified, it seemed like such a challenge. I can admit that in my 5ish years as a follower of Christ I have read the bible here and there, mostly following along with the series' at our church but I had failed at every attempt to read a majority of it. I know, I know...sad.

So when my friend/community group leader/pastor found a timeline we could follow together I jumped in, and dragged V. with me (he's already read the entire bible several times). I will be the first to admit I'm not great at this. I can make all the excuses in the world, trust me, but it's just easier for me to read several days worth at a time than to read every single night. I process it all better that way. I have just finished the book of Job, and was reading the Psalms last night, specifically Psalms 2-13. It really touched me. For the first time it really hit me that being mad/angry and voicing those things to God is not sin. He wants that honest communication between us.

In case you are interested there is the timeline we are using, you can pick up anywhere and start: http://bibleplan.org/3/esv/

Happy Friday!!

~Much Love~

Addison Road - Hope Now

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for hope, in all it's forms. Now go look at the youtube video I just linked "Hope Now" by Addison Road.
Much Love!

Interview Today!

Wish me luck!

Shortly I'll be off to my first interview in over 2 years! My current job is...well just that a job, and this company has changed so much in the last year to year and half it greatly saddens me! When I started here I was so excited to be on the ground level, I really thought I was in for something amazing and would grow my career here. Little did I know this company doesn't do that, people don't move up here, they hire well experienced people and leave them in that position until they leave (which has happened too much in the last 2 years for me). Not only that but they don't hire/promote internally at all, jobs are not listed internally. Odd. The only shining light and the reason I'm still here is my direct boss. He is such a nice man, I feel badly for all the things he's dealt with here. I wish he'd move on, I'm not sure why he hasn't and I feel bad for leaving him (because he's rather fatherly to me) but it's come down to what is best for me. I do the work of three people and oh yeah they don't give raises here either, the best of employees have gotten .01% raises in the last 5 years. I've gotten the #1 review for our state (about 50-75 people) for the last two years and got under the one percent both times.

So I'm off to an interview for a company I believe I can move up in. The position is entry level and not exciting but should be less stress with the same hours. The only thing I don't know much about is the pay but I am certain they wouldn't interview me, knowing what I already make and that I'm currently employed, if they weren't willing to pay at least match that. Here's hoping! (I also hope the benifits are better since it's a larger company *fingers crosses*)

Like all other things in my life it's up to God and if it's his will it will work out. Wish me luck, and if you have spare prayers laying around I'd appreciate them!

Until Next time-

~Much Love~

~Hope~

The worst part about all that I am going through with our journey to family is that I am not last women who will have to deal with this. This won't be cured with me or even the next woman. That is so sad to me. But I still have so much hope, no matter what it takes or where this journey takes us. I just know the Lord will provide us with the child our heart desires. I know that God himself provided us with this desire and I know undoubtedly that it will be fulfilled. I'm learning to give up my desire to be so in control of the how and when. After all, if I'm honest with myself I'm not in control and I have never been and more so I will never be.

A week from tomorrow I have an appointment with my dr (not her assistant for once). I'll go with all my questions written out and not leave without a clear idea of her objectives regarding the medicine she wants me to take and a plan (or at minimum a general idea) for the road ahead. Should she be unwilling to provide me with the information I need to feel comfortable I will quickly have a new dr. I'm pondering having my mom-in-law come with me, even if she just sits in the lobby, I may need that strength. So many thoughts rumble through my head at this moment.

Until Next time,
~Much Love~

Thankful Thursday

How is it possible that it's time for another addition of Thankful Thursday? Today I am thankful for the simple pleasures in life such as: I slept through the night last night, I had a yummy (and healthy) lunch today, and for the first time in about a week the sun is shining out side my window! This evening I probably won't do much of anything since this nasty cold has yet to leave the building, er my body...same diff. Hopefully I will be well enough to celebrate my dear friend's birthday this weekend and dare I say, enjoy some down time at the lake, we shall see until then I hope you have found a simple pleasure to brighten your day!

Until Next time!

~Much Love~

Update

Hello! Sorry I haven't updated you recently, last week I was flat out exhausted and now, we'll I'm ubber sick. I feel like I got hit by a cold truck over the weekend, last night he turned around and ran over me again! Oh well!

Let's recap. I called the dr. on the 25 of May to let her know I had reached 90 day with no period, they had me come in on the 26th for blood tests (for my thyroid). All tests came back normal which is good news! Thank you Lord for that! My dr. assistant told me they want us to abstain for 3 weeks and then I have to retest to make absolutely sure I'm not pregnant and at that point (assuming a negative test) I'll be given a Rx for Provera to force a period. I'm a little concerned because I am starting to think I do have PCOS, in which case I should be on Metformin not Provea (provea can worsen insulin issues often associated with PCOS). I was going to ask the dr assistant why they didn't test me for PCOS when out of no where she says "oh honey, I know this is hard, it's not supposed to be this way it's supposed to be easy, ya know I have two already I'll have one for you!" Now I know she meant this in the nicest of ways, however I went from calm and collected to frantically wanting to get off the phone. This is the cliche' stuff people say that drives me BATTY! I welcome advice, if you are solid and grounded about it, for example "I think_____, because_______." NOT "Just relax!!!"

I have to call back and talk to the dr or her assistant again soon anyway, then I will ask to be tested for PCOS. I think this will show the extent of which my dr is willing to work with me as opposed to using some formula she has that may or may not work for me.

Though I must say, I have remained fairly calm throughout all of this. I'm doing great at keeping my head screwed on straight, keeping my faith and not freaking out. I'm proud of me. One day and one step at a time. It helps that I have the support of the best husband ever, and a pretty spectacular BFF. And as fearful as I was of telling my in-laws if feels really good to have their support. This is all in God's hands, I know he hears the petitions V. and I lift to him and will answer them, I trust in that and have total faith. I just don't know when or how, because I'm not supposed to.

Until next time!

~Much Love~