March 1, 2010

Does Secret = Lying ???

My dear V. has decided that by keeping our at temps to start our family a secret from his family that we are lying to them. What?!? I was totally caught off guard!

The Story: Saturday night we went to church and sat with his parents, whom I honestly love dearly-they are an amazing example of many things I hope to be. After church mother-in-law wants us all to go to desert, despite that A.) I'm trying to eat better and B.) It's 9pm we agree because it sounds fun. We go to a local chain we all love and have lovely conversation with in-laws and their friends. How fun! On the ride home I jokingly tell V. "I thought about telling father-in-law he was trying to buy grand-babies from us!" (they never allow us to pay when we go out). V. however, does NOT find this funny, he is clearly upset, in a sad way (not angry). Thus begins a conversation about how he feels that his family is beginning to make assumptions that we do not want children, specifically one of us.....V. I tell him that I do not believe this is true. He is convinced and tells me he is tried of lying to them. I'm confused and caught very off guard. V. says "I'm old and we've been married two years, they expect children." I was offended, V. is NOT old!!! And frankly I don't really care who expects what out of my marriage but really it's NO ONES business what we do and when. This is the only thing I hate about the Church Culture-they want you to get married quick and young and start having babies. I don't think anyone should pressure you into these big steps in your life, consult God and live your life!

I was so caught off guard that I dropped V. off and returned our DVDs we had rented, I really just needed a moment completely alone to think about how I really felt and pray about it.

I do not believe we are lying, I don't want to tell anyone the deep details of any part of OUR marriage, our budget, goals etc is OUR business and no one else! Despite the fact that I have told the in-laws numerous times that it likely won't be easy for us to have babies they seem convinced it will be. Maybe they are just trying to be supportive but I'm more of a reality kind of girl, don't get me wrong I have faith and a lot of hope but I am not one to sugar coat things at all.

I'm confused and conflicted on so many levels. Let's list some pros and cons!

1. I don't want anyone, other than the ones we've entrusted so far to know
2. I am not comfortable being questioned monthly, weekly, daily if I am pregnant (or about my period and/or sex!)
3. I do not want anyone to be diagnosing my stomach ache, head ache, zit etc as pregnancy symptoms...I do that enough already
4. If it does take us some time I want that to be a journey we go on together not with a million people watching and commenting
5. I would rather surprise in-laws with the good news on our time (hopefully when I am about 8-10 weeks)
6. In-laws will likely be so excited and tell too many people (I don't even want V's siblings to know as they are well....immature)
7. Overall I'm just too private of a person to go through this with the world watching (that is how it feels)

1. We will have others to support us and pray for us
2. Some of the advice could be helpful
3. Maybe it will be hard and take us a long time and we'll be thankful for it later
4. I got nothin'

I'm going to talk to V. more about this as I am umcomfortable. I understand that he only sees this through his eyes but I am the one who will be being questioned, not him. No one ever asks the man "why are you pregnant yet, do you think something is wrong with you and maybe you can't?" I just don't think he's taken into consideration the full weight of what this means for me. At very least I hope we can continue trying (in secret) for a few more months. Pray for me will ya?

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