My New Body

The following is not a plea for compliments, not a request to boost my ego etc.  It's simply an exercise in honesty on my part.

Throughout my pregnancy I loved my body, there were very few moments I felt uncomfortable with my weight and growing waistline, actually I loved virtually every moment.  I constantly rubbed my belly and honestly felt like the happiest pregnant woman on earth.  Even as I inched near 200lbs it never effected how I felt about me for more than a fleeting moment.

Then I gave birth to Liam and was so proud of how my body had performed.  It had accomplished an amazing feet, it had birthed the most beautiful baby boy ever.  Even my doctor told me how proud of me he was.  Thankfully friends warned me I'd still look pregnant after delivering Liam, and I did and I didn't care.

Weeks has passed us by and thanks to breastfeeding most of the weight has essentially melted off.  I've lost about 30 pounds in the last ~5 weeks and have only 9 more to lose.  But those remaining 9 are all in my belly and because of the swelling I had at the end of my pregnancy I haven't worked out in a good 5 months so I'm rather....soft.  I'm still proud of my body and so thankful for the weight loss I have had, heaven knows I haven't worked for it....but...

BUT I don't feel pretty, nor beautiful and now where even vaguely sexy.  I feel soft and round.  I know I am neither of those things and that I can loose the remaining weight and tone up easily once I get the "all clear" to workout (and I magically find the time and energy to do so).  But right now I'm really struggling with my "new" body.  I do not have "baby blues" nor postpartum depression in fact body issues aside I'm super happy.  It's just that this new body is a stranger to me, difficult to dress and easily tired when I do get to go on a jog or mild hike (both of which I attempted last week).  This is not the body I'm used to having.  My maternity pants are far too baggy on me but even my old "fat" jeans are no wear near close to buttoning...

I know this will be short lived and one day I'll feel silly for even feeling this way but right now these are things I'm having a hard time shaking.  The pressure to "snap back" into shape is all me and no one else but it's still there.  I want my old body back, I want to wear all my normal clothing and to feel fit and healthy again.  Thats it, that is what is really bugging me, it literally just occurred to me, it's that I feel unfit and unhealthy!  Two things I pride myself on are feeling fit and healthy, that is why this has been so hard on me!  I get it!  One day at a time....