January 2, 2011

Resolution-less Year

I'm horrible at making resolutions, and the ones I make don't have a high success rate.  I always feel too busy to add one more thing to my "to do" list.  I've never needed to loose weight since I naturally love the gym and anything else that important I try to manage all year long without some magic finish line like a resolution typically comes with.

As I reflect back on 2010 it's clear that it wasn't the easiest of years.  Most of it was spent trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, and the fear of what was causing my 4 mount long (or longer) cycles. It caused a lot of stress and a lot more tears.  At times I was angry with God feeling that my prayers had fallen on deaf ears.  It's only now I realize God was just saying "wait a little longer".  (read Jeremiah 29:11)  Had you told me that at the time though I would have cursed you out in my mind.  Only those who have had to "try" to get pregnant can truly ever understand that kind of pain and fear that comes with each passing month especially as you approach a year (when drs want to diagnose you and label you as infertile.)

Sadly 2010 wasn't kind to my friends either, so many of them were overjoyed to see it be gone (via facebook status updates).  I think of my 200+ friends only one had great things to say about 2010.  How sad. When a year is hard it makes it difficult to see the happy moments, though they are always there.  Every year no matter how bad has to have at least one happy moment.  For me it was growing so much closer to my husband and seeing the true strength of our marriage and both of our commitment to each other deepening in the hardest months.

As you are aware 2010 did redeem itself for me in what felt like the 11th hour.  I will admit that part of my heart won't feel content until I hold this little one in my arms though.  I count down the months, weeks and days until his/her arrival.

So on this, the second day of 2011 I have decided to throw in my towel on resolutions.  In stead I choose to live each day to it's fullest, enjoying the small moments and doing my best to learn from my mistakes and the bad times.  Will I fail some days? Probably but I am still going to try. 

Whatever your resolution, however 2010 treated you I hope that this year is better and that you achieve whatever your heart desires.  Because it's a brand new year, like a empty room it holds the possibility to be anything, if you let it.

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