Apology Failure?

For as long as I can remember V and I have been asked “when are you going to get married?” then immediately after “when are you going to have babies?” Sure it was annoying but it never really bothered me that much until we actually started trying to have children (just shy of our two year wedding anniversary). As the months of trying drug on, and we struggled, mainly in silence, even the closest friend would get on my nerves “what are you going to give Vic a baby??” As if I were keeping children from him.

The months went on and I got a little bit sharper with my responses, never meaning to be unkind but I know I was sometimes. Ask anyone the same question repeatedly for 2.5 years and they’ll get sick of answering it, trust me. Last September as V and I approached our appointment to start infertility testing V confided in a mutual guy friend that we were trying unsuccessfully but didn’t tell me. I’m sure it was an honest mistake on his part and that he just needed a guy to talk to it about. A few weeks after V confided in our friend (we’ll call him S), S came up to me while I was volunteering with the infants at church and made some comment like “so you and V are working on one of these, eh?” I vividly remember looking up at him sharply and replying rather unkindly though my exact words I no longer recall. Unfortunately S and his wife had scheduling conflicts soon after and stopped attending our small group (which is how we knew them).

Weeks and weeks passed before S and my paths crossed again but I never forgot that conversation, it weighed heavily on me especially after V told me he had confided in S. I felt like such a jerk. Then we found out we were pregnant and my rude remark to S grew heavier and heavier in my heart. Finally our paths crossed one night as I was going to volunteer with the infants again S was working at our espresso bar. I brought up our past conversation and apologized profusely. What did he do? Nothing, he didn’t recall the conversation at all! Imagine my surprise as I stood there, still trying to apologize, and S is scratching his head. I can only assume he thought nothing of it and it simply rolled off his shoulders like water. He was overjoyed that we were expecting and told me to make sure and get a hold of him and Mrs. S so we could do dinner or bowling soon. I was happy but a bit dumbfounded as I wondered off to volunteer with my coco in hand.

It’s funny, I sat down to write this post about how S should have forgiven me and blah blah blah but really he already had. By letting that moment slip from his memory he’d forgiven me without asking for it. Yet I held myself accountable and let it burden my heart.  I'm thankful for good friends like S. and Mrs. S.