Tattoos

Tattoos, you either love them or hate them.....I love me some body art. I only have two in the most classic of girl tattoo places, my lower back (hey I was 18!) and my left outside ankle.  Given that one of my tats is approaching it's 10th birthday I'm pretty thankful that not only do I not regret them I still love them and their meanings.

I have Chinese symbols on my lower back and outside ankle.  My back also has a shooting star and the symbol for Destiny.  I had a really rough childhood and despite it all I made it through, at the time I didn't have faith or know anything about faith but believed something and someone had gotten me through, thus I had a Destiny, hence the tattoo on my 18th birthday.

My other tattoo is on the outside of my left ankle, there you will find two symbols, one is translated "to trust, rely or believe" and the other is "God or Heaven".  I got this tattoo roughly 4 years ago, I actually remember Vic being shocked that I wanted to go get a tattoo that night when we hung out. It's a very simple design so the tattoo itself took moments but gosh was it painful.  I got this tattoo because of my desire to rely more heavily on God.  Relying on anything or anyone is a struggle for me, I'm very accustom to doing things on my own and in my own time....or at least so I think.  I love pretending I'm in some sort of control but we all know that is just an illusion.

I was thinking about my ankle tattoo today at the gym, I often forget I have it until someone mentions it, which isn't often because it's below my shoe line when wearing flats. I was thinking about how much meaning that tattoo still holds for me, I got it because I wanted to rely on God more, something I still desire deeply.  I find myself in the same place as four years ago and can only assume in another four years I'll feel the same, it's a hamster wheel of sorts because the more I rely on God the more I want to rely on him. I find myself trying to fix things or do things on my own when I really should be relying on him first and seeking his guidance on how to go about things.  It would make life so much simpler.  Alas I am a stubborn woman. 

I love having that tattoo there to remind me of that desire, to remind me to chase after it and pursue it daily.  My faith and beliefs have gotten me through so much.  So who out there has tattoos? They always have stories, tell me! I love stories!


p.s. When I find my camera cord I'll upload a pic of my ankle tat.

You like me, you REALLY like me!

Haha, forgive me I could NOT resist that!  I've received my first ever Blogger Award nomination from Casey over at Align My Heart, My Body, My Mind.  Seriously go check her out stat, I'll wait.  She is an amazing woman!! I feel honored to call my friend, she is her own personal journey to parenthood and blogs about it with a honesty and real emotions that touch the heart. 

So seven things about myself.....hmm let's see what comes to mind.

1. I'm a survivor of domestic violence, I was emancipated from my parents by my state on my 16th Birthday and have been on my own since.  Even putting myself through college.
2. Something a little lighter this time.....I love hugs, like a lot, my husbands are the best in the world. 
3. During college I interned for Walt Disney World at The Coral Reef Restaurant in Florida, love love loved every minute of it.  I took that time to make sure I knew who I was and wanted to be when no one I knew was watching, pretty exciting when you are 20.  Oh yeah I'm from the west coast side of the US and had never been anywhere near Disney when I interned there! :)
4. I'm totally and utterly addicted to chap stick, I have an entire vase full of a variety of different kinds and brands in my bedroom (I don't wear lip stick, my lips are naturally dark).
5. I have really bad spelling habits, I'm pretty self conscience about it and work really hard to NEVER spell things wrong....but I fail a lot.
6. I would LOVE to run a marathon (perhaps start with a half), I've always let my asthma stand in the way of that but I'm putting it on my bucket list to do!
7. Chances are you will never see me without earrings, I feel utterly naked without them.

Now for my nominations, check them out!

Emily @ Life Among Mountains
Charity @ Way Out West
Keiko @ Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed
Stephanie @ Stephanie Cooks
Kit @ A Montana Life

Half Baked...a survey

• How far along; 20 weeks also known as half baked…ummm wow!
• Weighty Issues: as of Jan 18th I’m up a total of 13lbs on track for a healthy total weight gain (by the way for my frame, based on my pre-preg BMI, a total gain of 25-35lbs is recommended)
• Sleep: I day dream about sleep and nap as much as possible.
•  Best Moment this week: A week ago we found out we are having a healthy baby boy, since then his kicks have gotten stronger and stronger. I’m smitten!
• Food Commentary: I’m proud to say that I’m eating healthy again! I'm back to loving salads, cucumbers, oranges and pineapple (I hated pineapple pre-preg)! I’m still having small bouts of “morning” sickness but it’s manageable.
•  Maternity Clothes: Yes, yes and yes. Maternity pants are required and maternity shirts are just more comfy since they are so long!
• Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far FAR too early for that business!!!! [I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks. ]
•  Belly Button In or Out: It’s gets less shallow everyday! I predict it will not make it my whole pregnancy before popping! (yikes)
• What I miss: Nothing really, I’m back to the gym and that has helped a lot!
• What I'm looking forward to: Having the renovations around the house finished so I can begin work on baby’s room and nesting! (yes I'm a dork and want to nest!) 
• Weekly Wisdom: Everyday is a miracle, treat it that way!
• Weekly WTF: I got nothing this week, I’m just so thankful for my son’s health and the love being poured out on us via gifts, notes and what-not.
• Nesting: I’m very ready to nest, especially since our nursery furniture arrived super early and is now sitting un-assembled in our basement!
• Milestones: Knowing my son is healthy HUGE milestone!

For more on the development of a 20 week baby click HERE.

Tap..tap-tap...tap.....TAP!

No I'm not trying to teach myself Morris-code, it's our little peanut showing us he's awake and wants some attention too!  They are right when they say the first kicks feel like gas bubbles or flutters, although when it's your first pregnancy you have no idea what "flutters" feel like until you experience them.  The little kicks have gotten stronger and stronger over the last two weeks, it's clear our little boy sure loves it when I'm off work and put my feet up.

Kicks are amazing, I spend a good portion of my day waiting for them and when one or two finally appear it's the best feeling in the world!  It's like my little guy is saying "hi mom".  I'm thankful for a friend who told me "remember they have busy days and lazy days just like us, try not to worry too much when he's quiet."  So far I've refrained from eating surgery treats to get more kicks, I can't promise I'll always be so strong :)

God or Science?

Bet you didn't see this post coming, did ya?  It's not what you think though, read on.

As most of you know I frequent a forum called The Bump (specifically this board and I used to be active on this board).  Yesterday I saw a post on one of the trimester boards from a woman wondering who among the other posters thought their babies were a result of God or science.  I didn't respond, mostly because I thought it was just to stir the post, so to speak.

But it's an interesting thought though.  I'm not naive enough to think that everyone believes what I do, nor do I try to force my beliefs on anyone, I'm also not going to sit silent about what I believe either.  I like to think I'm somewhere in between those extremes.  So what do I think?  Well for one I don't this it's God or science, I believe that God can and does sometimes use science to bless us with babies but obviously I do not think any baby is a result of pure science (be it sex or fertility treatments etc).  Nor do I believe that because someone can't get pregnant that is is God stopping them.  I guess I'm not a black and white kind of person in this situation. 

Take my baby for example.  By all outward appearances natural conception didn't look like an option for V and I.  And we were willing and ok with embarking on fertility treatments.  Then out of left field, in the 11 hour we found out we were pregnant.  Our pregnancy was rough at the beginning, I don't think I'll ever forget my dr telling me "if I had a magic pill to make this stop and save your baby I would, but I don't, it's not up to us, it's not in our control."  So he didn't have the science to save my baby.  Thankfully, by the grace of God, my baby made it through all those rough moments.

Take my dear friend, K.  She and her husband tried for a very long time to get pregnant and eventually turned to fertility treatment to have their first child.  After a year of trying again K went to the dr and the dr said her "disorder" (for lack of a better word) had gotten worse, now she had zero chance of conceiving naturally.  K is now 5 weeks pregnant with zero fertility treatment. 

I could go on and on about example after example about how science and God have worked to create babies and/or failed (failed to me is when someone can't get pregnant like my friend J and her husband who have tried for 5 years with no luck, or when someone does get pregnant and the pregnancy and baby are lost).

What's my point?  I'm not exactly sure, I guess I just wanted to point out that it doesn't have to be black or white, even when you believe or don't believe in God etc.  I've taken a couple of philosophy classes and what they taught me was to think outside the box, try not to be too close minded, see other people's point of view,  you don't have to accept it just by thinking about it.

Ending a Relationship...with My Gym

It's been up and down for a while now, and I feel like I'm not treated like a regular customer since I worked there in college (one of the now owners was my manager at the time).  Changes to my account are never made in a timely manner, if at all and while the new owners have made some great changes it seems like other things have fallen by the way side.  What things?  Well last time I was there 5 of the 15 or so treadmills were broken beyond use, the cleanliness (which used to be top priority) was not what it should be.

My bestie made a good point, "did you say anything to someone working or email?"  and the answer is no I didn't.  Why, because I'm not treated like a normal customer.  And while I understand nothing will change unless something is said I'm just at the point where I need to end the relationship and go somewhere else, at least for now. 

I've found another local gym with free classes that is closer to my work that I can do three months unlimited access for $99 and no contract.  Exactly what I need right now!  I'm so excited!  I loooove working out and have so missed it, while I won't work out to the same level I used to I'm really looking forward to a little sweat time (aka me time).

My Chinese Gender Chart was RIGHT!

Today we had our 19 week appointment and our anatomy scan.  This morning I was a bit nervous but it only lasted a moment, which of course scared my crazy self.  I was worried because I wasn't worried, for the first time ever I felt confident going into my appointment.  With V at my side we walked into a empty waiting room at about 2:30 this afternoon.  Soon we were headed into the ultrasound room.  I was weighed and had gained a respectable few pounds and soon the dr was in and the ultrasound machine on!

Dr Wonderful did a wonderful job of showing us so much, pointing out chambers of the brain and the heart, all the bones etc.  It was wonderful!  (how many times can I say wonderful, huh?)  Anyway the long and sort of it is baby is a healthy BOY!!!!  He is measuring exactly 19 weeks!

We went out to the in laws and shared the news (we decorated a box in pink and blue paper and put inflated blue balloons inside so they popped out when mom and dad in law opened it, a smashing success!).  It's been a wonderful and long day and I'm headed off to bed!

I've seen miracles just happen.

Today I got a call from a dear friend, who was recently told she'd never have children without some pretty extreme medical intervention, she called to tell me she is pregnant with very little medical intervention.  Yep, I've seen miracles just happen!

Song: I've seen miracles just happen

Good Bye Scary Thoughts!

I know that probably sounds crazy, doesn't it?  Here's the thing, I have had so many scary moments throughout most of my pregnancy that I will fully admit I've had a lot of scary thoughts.  Mostly along the lines of "what if the baby dies?" or "What if I get to my next appointment and the baby has died?" It's a real fear I had almost everyday for weeks.  It was almost uncontrollable, no it was uncontrollable.  My mind would go there and it was all I could do to pray through it and focus on the positive to reassure myself and move forward.

Why am I telling you this?  Because it's true, it's real.  Today I was getting ready to order some things and it occurred to me that I have not had one of those scary thoughts in a while (maybe a few weeks).  One day they just went away and that feels like a big milestone.  Thank God!

 Just wanted to share.

Poll *points to right of this post*

I have failed to mention I put up a poll to see how many of us think peanut (nickname of the day) is a boy or girl.  Go a head and vote!! Only 6 more days and we'll know!

1.11.11 My 18 Weeks Pregnant Survey

How far along; 18 weeks...is it bad that it's still totally surreal?

Weighty Issues: most recent dr appt says up total of eleven, next update on Jan 18th.

Sleep: is good when I can get it, lately I wake up to pee at 4am and can't fall back asleep.

Best Moment this week: I heard this song that says "I will love you for you, not for the things that you will do or the person you will become, I will love you for you." and I cried because I will love my child for who they are (unlike my childhood).

Food Commentary: I've been craving salads which is a nice change.  However I've found when I'm hungry I really have to eat right then or I seriously turn into the "I'm dying of hunger" lady.  Yeah it's a bit intense.

Maternity Clothes: Yep, my pre-preg shirts have started to hang off the bottom of my belly in a weird way.

Labor Signs: God Forbid! it's far far far too early for that business!!!! [I don't plan on changing this one until at least 36+ weeks. ]

Belly Button In or Out: It's still in but taking on a new shape, very strange to experience! I also think it's more shallow now, isn't it a bit early for that?!

What I miss: Zit cream!  (I can't find any that work that doesn't have no-no ingredients, could I use them anyway? Probably, but I choose to whine instead.)  And working out, I'm starting to get the itch! I've called and emailed all the pre-natal yoga etc places I can think of and NO ONE has gotten back to me!  That's it, I miss the gym too much, I'm a smart enough girl to do this!!  First [pregnant] workout tonight!!!!

What I'm looking forward to: 7 days until our anatomy scan!! I can't wait to see the bambino and hear he/she is healthy and wonderful, and find out baby's gender! :)

Weekly Wisdom: Try to enjoy the good moments because apparently all-day-sickness can come back whenever it wants to.  Also pamper yourself, pedicure here I come.

Weekly WTF: WTF hormones!  I'm super crabby one moment and the next I crying tears of joy, yikes!

Nesting: I've started organizing my ideas for the nursery into "to buy now", "to get soon" and such categories!  I have to admit it's going to be hard to restrain myself after our anatomy scan!

Milestones: I'm back to feeling like each day is a milestone.

For more on the development of a 18 week baby click here.

And some semi-old pics:

Get me out of a funk song.

Have I mentioned I'm in a funk? Yeah I'm a bit stuck but working on it, more on that later. As I sit here tonight wasting time online and listening to itunes one of my favorite songs comes up in shuffle. This song has been such a source of strenght for me, especially while we were trying, very unsuccessfully, to have a child. It was sorta a slap up side my funk filled head just now. I hope you enjoy it!

Things I'm Loving Right Now

My dear friend over at Life Among Mountains did this the other day and I thought it was so wonderful!  Also I've been in a bit of a funk, too much on my mind and too little sleep at night will do that to a girl.  So I'm stealing your post idea dear friend and doing my own!

• Thank You Notes:  I've received several of these over the holidays, some of them hang in my cube at work.  Their beautiful outsides and kind words inside make me smile daily.  I'm horrible at sending thank you notes, these ones make me want to be better at it and spread the joy!
• Argyle Socks.  I'll wait until you stop laughing *glances at watch*  I don't know why but I think argyle is so pretty yet the only argyle I own are socks. I wear mine to work and I just love that they are so soft and pretty under my plain black work slacks.
• New Face Wash.  My skin has been more dry this year than ever, I literally have big chunks that flake off my forehead, super hot right?  I finally gave in and purchased some new fancy face wash.  It wasn't cheap but I was told to only use it every few days so technically it will last a good amount of time.  After just a few uses my skin is returning to some normalcy, yay!!!
• Fresh Clean Sheets:  I know, who doesn't right?  Lately I day dream about sleep, I go to bed pretty early and sleep as much as I can on the weekends and I long for the smell and feel of fresh sheets (and the perceived better sleep) that comes with them.  I think I'll get V to change the sheets with me tonight before bed!!!

Now your turn, tell me what you are loving!

Hoooooly Crap!

Excuse me while I vent for a second -k-?  (also I'd appreciate it if any dudes out there would NOT read this post.)

Ok I was prepared for my body to change, really I was and while I struggled with the idea of gaining weight for about 15 minutes one day I am fine with it now.  And clearly my body has already started on that journey, today I decided to go into my favorite bra store and get measured.  I've always had small boobies, no biggie.  Last time I was measured I wore a 34B on a good day (the girl told me I should consider a 36A but I couldn't deal with that at 5'8.)  Today I went and got measured and kept trying on bras and the sizes went up and up and UP only to finally land at...........34DD.  No I did not stutter 34DD. Now that I can not wrap my head around, I couldn't even actually purchase a bra I was so confused.  Three sizes, three!  YIKES! 

Please tell me this happened to someone else out there!

Apology Failure?

For as long as I can remember V and I have been asked “when are you going to get married?” then immediately after “when are you going to have babies?” Sure it was annoying but it never really bothered me that much until we actually started trying to have children (just shy of our two year wedding anniversary). As the months of trying drug on, and we struggled, mainly in silence, even the closest friend would get on my nerves “what are you going to give Vic a baby??” As if I were keeping children from him.

The months went on and I got a little bit sharper with my responses, never meaning to be unkind but I know I was sometimes. Ask anyone the same question repeatedly for 2.5 years and they’ll get sick of answering it, trust me. Last September as V and I approached our appointment to start infertility testing V confided in a mutual guy friend that we were trying unsuccessfully but didn’t tell me. I’m sure it was an honest mistake on his part and that he just needed a guy to talk to it about. A few weeks after V confided in our friend (we’ll call him S), S came up to me while I was volunteering with the infants at church and made some comment like “so you and V are working on one of these, eh?” I vividly remember looking up at him sharply and replying rather unkindly though my exact words I no longer recall. Unfortunately S and his wife had scheduling conflicts soon after and stopped attending our small group (which is how we knew them).

Weeks and weeks passed before S and my paths crossed again but I never forgot that conversation, it weighed heavily on me especially after V told me he had confided in S. I felt like such a jerk. Then we found out we were pregnant and my rude remark to S grew heavier and heavier in my heart. Finally our paths crossed one night as I was going to volunteer with the infants again S was working at our espresso bar. I brought up our past conversation and apologized profusely. What did he do? Nothing, he didn’t recall the conversation at all! Imagine my surprise as I stood there, still trying to apologize, and S is scratching his head. I can only assume he thought nothing of it and it simply rolled off his shoulders like water. He was overjoyed that we were expecting and told me to make sure and get a hold of him and Mrs. S so we could do dinner or bowling soon. I was happy but a bit dumbfounded as I wondered off to volunteer with my coco in hand.

It’s funny, I sat down to write this post about how S should have forgiven me and blah blah blah but really he already had. By letting that moment slip from his memory he’d forgiven me without asking for it. Yet I held myself accountable and let it burden my heart.  I'm thankful for good friends like S. and Mrs. S.

Resolution-less Year

I'm horrible at making resolutions, and the ones I make don't have a high success rate.  I always feel too busy to add one more thing to my "to do" list.  I've never needed to loose weight since I naturally love the gym and anything else that important I try to manage all year long without some magic finish line like a resolution typically comes with.

As I reflect back on 2010 it's clear that it wasn't the easiest of years.  Most of it was spent trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, and the fear of what was causing my 4 mount long (or longer) cycles. It caused a lot of stress and a lot more tears.  At times I was angry with God feeling that my prayers had fallen on deaf ears.  It's only now I realize God was just saying "wait a little longer".  (read Jeremiah 29:11)  Had you told me that at the time though I would have cursed you out in my mind.  Only those who have had to "try" to get pregnant can truly ever understand that kind of pain and fear that comes with each passing month especially as you approach a year (when drs want to diagnose you and label you as infertile.)

Sadly 2010 wasn't kind to my friends either, so many of them were overjoyed to see it be gone (via facebook status updates).  I think of my 200+ friends only one had great things to say about 2010.  How sad. When a year is hard it makes it difficult to see the happy moments, though they are always there.  Every year no matter how bad has to have at least one happy moment.  For me it was growing so much closer to my husband and seeing the true strength of our marriage and both of our commitment to each other deepening in the hardest months.

As you are aware 2010 did redeem itself for me in what felt like the 11th hour.  I will admit that part of my heart won't feel content until I hold this little one in my arms though.  I count down the months, weeks and days until his/her arrival.

So on this, the second day of 2011 I have decided to throw in my towel on resolutions.  In stead I choose to live each day to it's fullest, enjoying the small moments and doing my best to learn from my mistakes and the bad times.  Will I fail some days? Probably but I am still going to try. 

Whatever your resolution, however 2010 treated you I hope that this year is better and that you achieve whatever your heart desires.  Because it's a brand new year, like a empty room it holds the possibility to be anything, if you let it.