February 5, 2010

What Is Up with Me Today? (raw)

I feel so off, so blah, so not me today and I am driving myself nuts! I feel just down and sad but not super sad (I'm not going to cry or anything). And I feel chubby, I am by no means chubby! I guess it could be hormones (as in here comes aunt flow) but God only knows since I only spotted last month I have no idea when she is "scheduled" to come. It's so strange to not know what to expect from your body. I really don't enjoy it, the longer I feel confused the more I'm considering starting to chart my temps etc like the women on thebump.com talk about. But then again I wouldn't even know what day I'm on to start or where I am really at. UGH! Please Lord bring my period so I could have a moments peace in my wondering mind!

This whole TTC (trying to conceive) thing is not what I thought it would be. It's not easy, even so early in. I hate admitting that it's hard to hear when a friend announces they are pregnant, to see ultrasounds and attend baby showers even when I am genuinely happy for that person. I want to be that person, I want to say "look world V. and I made a baby! We are going to be a family!" Just writing that makes me tear up! I'm not a selfish horrible person but I want this, so much. I guess I'm used to being in control and this is so far beyond my control and it's hard to deal with. Teaching me a lesson here, are we God? I get it, Love is patient.

I don't know what to do next. If I don't get something more like a real (red flow) period I am calling my doctor. Even if she says "it's normal, wait longer" at least there will be comfort in knowing her professional opinion. She asked me to wait 90 from my visit with her to call if nothing happened (period wise). Glancing at my calendar that would be, March 9Th. Hmmm maybe I need to cool down a tad. I think that was just the reality check I needed, the 90 day mark is over a month away. Thanks Lord, you always seem to know what I need when I need it, funny how that works.

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