February 9, 2010

Welcome Back Sanity, Won't You Stay a While?

Thank you Lord! I feel sane and much like myself again! I'm not sure what caused last weeks hiccup, but I'm so happy to back to me. I've had several good quality sweat seasons at the gym along with plenty of alone time and time with my wonderful V. over the course of the weekend and it feels like a big exhale. ~whew~

I'm sure by now all the birth control chemicals are out of my system and that my body is starting to figure things out for herself. I'm really looking forward to this journey, even though I'm not sure what the road a head looks like. I need to pray more about it. To me there is a fine line between seeking God's will and praying for your own. I know we are supposed to lift up our petitions to God but at the same time I truly want his will to pour over my little family to be. I want his timing. You would think this would make it easier for me but I'm still a person and I very much desire a baby. I can't wait to be pregnant! I look forward to telling V. he will be a daddy! I daydream about finding out our babies gender, decorating the baby's room, picking out names and finally holding him/her in my arms. I just don't know how to ask God for his will and timing when my timing is now, asap, yesterday even.

Part of me wishes I could talk to more friends about this whole journey, and be more surrounded in prayer. But the other half of me is thankful I don't have people constantly asking me how it's going and assuming the smallest thing means I'm pregnant. I could not handle that pressure. I find it terribly ironic that when we were trying not to get pregnant I would always (as in almost every month) think for sure I was pregnant. Now I can totally tell I am not. What a funny twist of fate. I hate those darn negative tests! V. gets excited and suggests that I take one and his optimism blinds me for a moment. Then there it is staring me dead in the face. I'm supposed to test on Monday of next week....I am not looking forward to it.

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