Wake me up when September ends

Today I made the call and set an appointment to start our fertility testing. Yes we will be just shy of the one year mark by the time my Oct appt rolls around but it's clear I'm not ovulating. If I'm not ovulating we have no chance of getting pregnant on our own. I can't tell you how happy I am! I thought I'd be so terrified but I'm not even remotely!! V's happy too, this was the right choice for us and in the end that is the only thing that matters.

Now to wait for Oct, so wake me up when September ends?

I love my husband!

May I gush for a moment?

As you can assume the trying-to-make-a-baby stuff V and I are going through is not always fun. Right now is one of those not-so-fun moments. Even though it's rough, or perhaps because of it V has been so darn great! He knows just how to read me, he knows just when I need to get out of the house, just when I need to laugh at something totally ridiculous, just when I need kisses and just when I need some me time. He's provided me all of these things today. He's gone out of his way to take care of some of the chores I dislike most, he made a total fool out of himself just to humor me and has been extra loving the last few days. Thank you Lord for this man who knows just what I need. It just makes me want to make him a father even more, he'll be such a wonderful father!

I'm not pregnant (updated)

Despite a small temp rise this am, two tests confirmed I am not pregnant.....I do not understand.


(update: I decided to remove the day I thought I had watery CM to see what would happen based on my temps alone and thus my chart moved my supposed ovulation day ahead a few days, when we had really bad timing and now it says I'm only 16 days passed ovulation, none the less my tests were still negative. V and I are going to look into testing for both of us.)

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Doing homework....

Hey peeps....so I'm doing my first homework for kid's ministry and oh boy is this stuff DRY, the couple doing the presentation try to be funny (and aren't) and tell stories that are totally unrelated. This presentation should be 1/2 the length it is.
So this is what I look like right now:

p.s. I haven't tested yet, I know (I know) I should have this am but I'm chicken, a lot of things are changing if we aren't pg this time. I'm nervous. I promise to update you as soon as I have something to tell.

Much Love (seriously)

Dear Lord...

Please let me be pregnant, Amen.

(in case you are wondering I'm waiting until the weekend to test, again).

Wish me luck, pray, whatever you do....please?

A letter from our Pastor.....

Quiet a while ago I filled out the 99 Things About me, and it got me thinking about things I would personally like to do in my life and I started making that list, surprisingly most of the items are pretty achievable. One of the top items is volunteering and/or working in children's ministry at our church. I've wanted this for awhile but for too many reasons to list have not done it. The most recent reason is that I used to tell people I would start volunteering with the children when V. and I got close to building our own family. Now that we actually trying I really don't [more] want people to know and/or ask more than they already do.

Needless to say I've pushing it out of my mind until a few weeks ago, we received a letter from our head pastor asking us to volunteer with the children, here is the kicker though it was written directly to us! Our pastors and elder board hand selected several people/couples that they specifically would like to see helping with our children's ministry and youth program. No big deal except there are easily 1,500+ people at our church! I felt pretty special, V and I spoke about it and agreed to attend the informational meeting and then pray on it. V is a pretty shy guy and the thought of speaking (or reading) in front of people, even tiny people in diapers, makes him very nervous so the mere fact that he was willing to go to the meeting was enough for me.

Flash forward to now. I can tell I am supposed to do this, for a lot of reasons but mostly I just know I am, I feel called. I was sad that V did not feel the call, part of me thinks he does feel it but his fear of public speech has stopped him, but that is ok I love him just the same. I put aside my dream of working along side my hubby in the ministry and turned in my background check (as required for all volunteers) and waited to receive my schedule. I have that now, I'm the lead teacher for the infants! I have a little homework to do and will have my first meeting this coming weekend. V is proud of me for obeying the calling I feel, he's even asked if he could come with me and just watch and see what it's like (I think hanging out with babies for 2 hrs has appealed to him!). I told him I'd check and see if that was ok. Sure enough the woman in change of the children's ministry is not only ok with it but very excited! I can't wait to tell V!

I won't lie, I'm terrified people will continue to nag us (or worse nag us even more) about having children etc...I know they mean no harm with their words but they cut deep just the same. I am not sure I'll always react as kindly as I would like but I have decided to allow myself to be as honest as I feel necessary in the moment.

I volunteer during the evening service for the entire month of Sept then have Oct, Nov and Dec off and volunteer all of January. I pray I get to return in January a very happily pregnant volunteer.

Yellowstone National Park 2010

Since I had never been to Yellowstone National Park, V and I decided to take a weekend trip down. Here are some of our pictures. Enjoy!

Elk as we entered the park

Canadian Geese

Bison

I won't lie I forgot exactly where this is.....V loved it though

Thermal streams

lower Tower Falls

Old Faithful

Since V and I were only just over an hour from Grand Teton we took an unexpected trip down there, it was so beautiful. Neither of us had ever been there before!

Sunset heading home.

Praying Specific Prayers

I'm reading this book you probably never heard of called "Eat, Pray, Love" Hopefully it will gain popularity soon....oh wait....anyway. I'm currently in the middle of the Pray section, it's a bit slow going for me, I'm hoping the Love part is as good as the Eat part.

While the author's "spiritual" beliefs do not line up with mine (nor do they have to) I do think she has some rather valid points relative to faith. The beginning of Chapter 58 (of 108) and in the middle of the Pray section the author discusses prayer, how she has started praying for specific and deliberate prayers because "it has occurred to me that it's not much use to send prayers out to the universe that are lazy." While my prayers go to a very specific place, nay person (Jesus) I can see what she means. Later she says "prayer is a relationship, half the job is mine. If I want transformation, but can't even be bothered to articulate what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur?" and further "Prayers can become stale and drone into the boring and familiar if you let your attention stagnate." I agree, for the most part. I don't believe that my God is a wishing well, however I know for certain that he hears our prayers and will answer them (usually in "yes", "no" or "wait" in my experience). I believe it's vital to lift up specific prayers to God, and if there is only one thing on your mind, say like oh.....wanting to get pregnant...then you should lift that prayer up to him continuously, even when it's hard to pray, even when you don't want because you already asked, or he already knows lift it up anyway, pour out your heart and soul! He longs for it, for that relationship and connection! It's been my experience that he won't always answer how nor when you want to but in retrospect it's always better and perfect.

Ive been guilty of the lazy prayer, often just saying "your will God", while that is ok I have realized it's important to be specific and build that relationship with him, reaching out and asking for exactly what is on your heart. So I have been taking my won advice for awhile now, I pray continuously throughout each day, they may been just one sentence prayers and lately have been about the same topic (can you guess?) but I've been specific "God, please allow us to get pregnant this month", "God please bless us with a pregnancy this month." and so on and so forth. I wish I could tell you my prayers have been answered but I don't get know if they have (see chart now located at the top of this blog). My prayers may not be answered because God's will for me may be different but I will not regret pouring out my heart to him in this specific way.

I love this....

It's a scrabble tile made into a charm, from Etsy.com.

Another day dreaming post

Also known as cart before horse but hey a girl can dream!! (all images from etsy.com)

Wouldn't it be fun to tell V. with this shirt?!!?

This is too cute!

I may have to get this shirt!

Cuuuuute!

These are also far too cute.... yeah we will totally find out the gender.....

Now if I could just get knocked up already.....sigh.

I have no words to discribe this joy...

...but I'll try anyway. Today was a good, nay, great day! For no extraordinary reason I am so happy, so very happy, overcome with joy and happiness! My new job is great, my new co-workers are amazing and most of all I have so much less stress I can physically feel the weight off my shoulders, heart and whole body! Yes, this is the moment when I acknowledge that every single penny of my pay cut was absolutely worth it. I am so happy, this was clearly the right choice!

I feel like I've walked around with that goofy smile you have when you've first fallen in love, like you are smitten for the first time! But it's like all aspects are so great, I'm smitten with my own life. Yeah V. and I fight, I'm actually annoyed he's watching tv too loud right now (we are in the same room and I can hear it over my earphones) but I feel so overcome with so much joy that I don't actually care.
This repreve in my soul is amazing and a welcome blessing, especially since I learned yet another friend is pregant, a friend with a >9mo old whose husband works a single dead-end job that can't support them as is, the same friend who despite not wanting anymore children didn't go back on birth control because her controlling husband said "no". Sigh, it's not fair but it is what it is and it will not steal my joy. I will praise and worship and be glad no matter where I am, on the mountain or in the valley of my own emotions. Thanks Lord for this day and all of it's blessings.

<3

People's Tack Less Remarks

V. has some extended family staying at the in-law's house, as best I can figure it's his aunt, her two grandchildren, a great aunt and uncle, and another aunt and uncle, grandparents and a couple I can't place within the family. In all fairness V's family is HUGE, seriously, just when I get a good grip on who is who more of them pop out of the woodwork.

I was dreading having to meet these new people, it always happens "how long have you been married? And no children yet?!?!" I didn't tell V though, he deserves to see these people, I will never stop him from seeing them, so we headed out for dinner at mom and dad in law's last night, sister-in-law is in town oh joy, sarcasm intended. She and I do not get a long, she's immature and self centered but that is a story for another time.

At some point during dinner I saw dad-in-law admiring his sister's grand-children, I could literally see the longing on his face for grand-children, not an easy thing to see, I'm sure he didn't mean to show it on his face but I saw it and it was difficult for me. Anyway I am getting to know V's aunt, she seems stuck up...commenting on someone who was recently saved wearing their cowboy hat to church and should have known better, all I could think was "Really, shouldn't you be happy this person just accepted Jesus and not care about a stupid hat!?" Shortly after dinner, I was left with all the women and the men went out on the front porch to discuss hunting and whatever else men talk about while their wives are away from earshot. V was playing with the kids, a little boy about 3 or 4 and a little girl no older than 6. His face was all lite up, you could hear him and the kids giggling through the open windows. And it happened, "So how long have you been married?" me: Sigh. "And don't most of your friends have children?" me: Sigh. I'm not sure how the question was posed but someone asked something like "When are you going to give V children?" I used my canned response of "ask Jesus." I like that response, it will shut most people up but it's not overly rude, it's just enough to say "none of your business". The woman I can't place in the family sat next to me and quietly said "You know, it took us seven years. We were filling out adoption papers when we got pregnant for the first time." I made sure to not say "Really?!?!" but instead choose "yeah, it just doesn't happen quickly for everyone but it always happens in God's time." She smiled with understanding. Mom-in-law tried to move the conversation away from the topic but it always returns there, in a joking and teasing and often painful way. I wish they knew if I could have a baby in my belly today, if I could have one in my arms right now I would but it's beyond my control. All I can do is remain hopeful and rely on God, it's all up to him....and not me.

I wish people would be more considerate when they question why couple's don't have children, and really I wish no one would ever question a couple about having children. I mean really? Why would you ask anyway, even if they don't want children, it's none of your business. People can be so tack less and their words so painful.

Leaving on My Terms

Today was the last day of my former job! I've day dreamed, wished, hoped, sometimes feared this day for a long time, and today it really occurred and now it's hard to believe it happened! It was hard not to burn bridges, more than once I wanted to just flip someone the bird and go out in a blur of angry obscenities, there has been a lot of prayer over the last few days. By the grace of God I managed to not flip anyone anything nor curse anyone out (yay!) mostly because I stayed really, really busy! I worked up until the last moment, a co-worker called wanting to have lunch together. I showed up and was surprised with a card signed by everyone, a gift, flowers and lunch with three of my favorite people! Lunch was so fun, we all vowed to stay in touch (and take yoga together!) in the end I filed my last paperwork with HR, handed in my keys and company phone and walked out very teary eyed. I'm sad to go but happy to move on, it's really been a hard couple of years but I choose not to regret it because I have made so many wonderful friendships and learned so much! Funny how blessings come in all sizes, shapes and forms!

Journey

Life is a journey, no new news there, right? But we must also remember that we are not promised a tomorrow either. If you know anything about me at all by now it is that I am a planner, I day dream about the future more than I spend living in the moment. Recently this has started to feel like a mistake, or error that I want to work on correcting.

I took a moment to look around me, emotionally speaking, last night. It's been a rough week; my boss was let go/resigned suddenly and a whirlwind ensued at my (soon to be former) employer. Don't get me wrong he was absolutely right to leave it was just messy....like everything this company does, which is why I am leaving, anyway....then I find out that not one but two of my friends are pregnant, neither married and one doesn't know who the daddy is. In fact her baby is a result of being "baby crazy". It feels so unfair and yes some tears fell, a few times. Don't miss read me here, I do not believe that you HAVE to be married to have babies but I do consider it ideal for babies (and children in general) to be raised by two loving parents that are married, and yes I understand that often times the two parents are happy and it is better for the children when the parents aren't married. I'm not close-minded but I still think marriage is best. ANYWAY. I'm hurting and still a bit lost in this maze of emotions. Here I am at cycle day 36 (I think) wondering if I even ovulated and some how these two intelligent women manage to "accidentally" get knocked up (I say "accidentally" because God does not make mistakes).

What I am trying to say is I took stock of my current life, emotionally the other day and realized I'm spending a bit too much time planning the future and not enough hanging out here where things are pretty darn good. V is amazing, not perfect but heck neither am I (far from it really). I have a new job that I can't wait to start, bills are paid, roof is over our head. While there is plenty we don't have we certainly don't go without. I have a savior that willing died for me. Guess I'm trying to talk myself out of a funk.....we're getting there, I can see that there is much more road ahead and I'm glad...this is going to be a great journey, full of more ups and downs but I'm excited, I mean why not? Life is too short to be unhappy! Just something to ponder I guess.

A post (whine) about Charting

So I've been charting for about 30 some-odd days and for the most part I like it, I have said before it gives me something to do which in turn has helped me to feel less helpless on this journey. But the over last few days my chart just been annoying. In the passed four days or so Fertility Friend has given me back my cross hairs (remember those pin point ovulation on my chart) and taken them away for the second time, I wonder if they will be back tomorrow. Who knows. I'm all sorts of confused. I'm not terribly worried about it unless this cycle heads towards the 60 day range (with no + pregnancy test). We shall see, I've placed this whole thing once again in the hands of my loving savior, he alone has true contol of over this, I am merely whining. What's new right?

While I'm here, here's a picture from the hike V and I went on with a friend this weekend, it was lovely and rather easy, too bad it started to rain, er pour, on us as we left. Oh well, we are none worse for the wear. And we even took our dogger, she LOVED every minute of it! I'm pretty blessed to have V and the dogger.