July 22, 2010

Choices, Choices

Life is all about choices. Good choices and bad choices all have consequences, intended or not. Every single day you wake up with a million choices to make and equally as many consequences to handle. Will you make a healthy choice, a good choice, a bad choice, a unfair choice and what will the consequences be? Choices you think are good can turn out to have bad consequences and vice versa. And really you never know the outcome of what you choose to do, sometimes the consequences are not easily seen and may not be revealed for years to come.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, as you can tell since I’m writing about it here and all. I have no many choices to make right now. In many ways I feel so young, the world at my finger tips and while I feel obligated to certain choices, there really is nothing forcing me to make a certain choice. I will always take into account my morals and my husband’s point of view, as I would expect him to do for me. Some choices can/will affect the direction of the next several years. Kinda scary huh? Kinda daunting, isn’t it? I believe that God has it all under control but I also believe we have free will to make a million and one choices in life and we have the ability to royally screw things up. Overwhelming isn’t it?

I have to get out of my job, while it pays well it’s killing me slowly, emotionally….everyday. Even on my best day I struggle to maintain. Every single week I am completely burnt out by Thursday and Friday is a total struggle. I get angry and frustrated beyond belief and I cry, none of these things are professional but I do not work for a company with a good moral compass nor do they treat their employees as human beings so it’s easy for my emotions to get out of control for I too am only human. I know I can’t move up here, nor do I want to. What a horrible time to need out of my job! I’m considering applying at a Big Name Company call center in my town, I’ve heard it too can be miserable BUT I think I can handle it for a while until I can move up and I know I could move up if I can just tough it out. The problem is I would have to work a rotating schedule and I’ve been spoiled for my entire marriage V and I have had identical work schedules. I have a job in the works but they have been all over the radar and it makes me increasingly nervous and it’s a big pay cut (~12% annually), at the same time the benefits are a little cheaper and appear to be better, BUT they are being bought out, heaven knows how that will affect me, will I be unemployed in a few months? What will happen to our baby-making-journey?

I feel sick to my stomach. I know I am not in control but I would really like to know what the answer is or even just a little guidance. I know what you might be thinking, ask V. And while, yes we have talked about it, for the most part V is very easy going and will often say “you are over analyzing this, I don’t know what to say, I support you whatever you choose.” Not the most helpful responses, though they are appreciated. And praying, oh boy am I praying to the point I wonder if the good Lord dreads my voice (I know that isn’t true but you can’t help but wonder).

For the most part I’m a fairly calm person, though I do over analyze things I pride myself on able to remain calm…but right now I’m burnt out, emotionally wounded (by a co-worker, again) and pretty much smack dab in the middle of a 12 hour shift (not normal, I usally work 8-5 but I was volunteered to work an extra 4 to 5 hours, thanks guys not that I pay to take a yoga class on Thursday nights or anything.)

Sorry I guess I just needed to vent.

No comments:

Post a Comment