It's about to get way deep up in here, if you aren't up for that I'd suggest flat out skipping this post, otherwise buckle up peeps.
As I've mentioned before I was emancipated by the state I live in on my 16th birthday. I have been on my own since that moment. What I haven't mentioned is that I had a younger brother, he was taken by the state when I was maybe 9 years old, and he should have been, he had/has a developmental disability and could not defend himself against the abuse in our home (at the time he was 7 or younger but mentally about 3).
For so many years I was just trying to survive myself and I didn't contact him, looking back I wish I would have, I regret it but I was so young with so much on my shoulders....I was just doing the best I could. While I didn't contact him I always knew where he was and that he was taken care of (his foster parents eventually adopted him). When I was ~20 I was contacted by our state wanting me to take over the legal responsibilities of my brother. I freaked out, I could barely keep my head above water with all the responsibilities I had just taking care of myself....I declined those responsibilities with the understanding I could pick them up later.
Now is later. I've always, always, always thought of him, prayed for him and intended on visiting. Enough years have gone by and it's time. Today I began the insane process of trying to locate exactly where he is now (I know what town). Unfortunately his adopted father died a number of years ago and the adoptive mother had to place brother into a adult care home. Today I made a dozen calls trying to dig up the details of where exactly he is at and how to contact and visit him. The only call I didn't make is to his legal representative, if all else fails I will call her (she is still in practice I checked). I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to full on take up the legal responsibilities of brother but I am ready to contact him and visit eventually.
I may have opened a big 'ol can-o-worms. I hope not, I think it will all be ok, it feels ok so far. I didn't actually get any information, privacy laws kept those on the other end of the phone from giving me brother's details but I gave them my contact information and I believe they will contact me, why wouldn't they? My only fear is that, somehow/someway my "parents" will get a hold of this information and wiggle back into my life. That would be a nightmare, it actually makes me sick to my stomach to think of that happening. But it's a risk I'll have to take eventually. You are probably thinking I'm ridiculous for worrying about that but they all live in a small town where everyone knows every one's business and word gets around real quick.
So many thoughts creep into my mind, I so regret not reaching out to brother...I hope he didn't feel abandoned by me. I know his adoptive family loved him so and that he was happy there. I can't take back not contacting him for all those years, all I can is start here and now.