May 20, 2010

Stormy Life, Sunny Attitude

I sorta feel like I'm the sunshine in the middle of a tornado right now. So much is going on around me (more on that later, maybe), much of it is very sad. I was trying to explain it to myself when I was on the treadmill last night (not out loud, lol) and it really feels like so much around me is spinning out of control and yet somehow I can hold it together. Only by the grace of God I’m sure.

Part of me feels bad that I am able to remain calm and even happy, it’s not that I’m not sad for all these people in my life but I guess I feel like I have to remain strong from them. I’ve been working out and that has helped, praying a lot which always helps and I have remained committed to not testing. I haven’t tested in 3 weeks. I know it’s crazy, even I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go this long without testing. There were hard moments but I just kept praying and reminded myself if I don’t actually know I can still hope. A week from today I’ll have too, I wish it didn’t have to be a week day but I probably should since I’ll have to call the dr and I don’t want to go into her office just for a pee test. I guess if I am pregnant I think we would have a February baby, I'm not sure. I haven’t though like that since I got my hopes all up about a Christmas time baby. I have no idea when or if I am ovulating. *sigh* I can't believe it's been almost 3 months with no period. But I just have to have tunnel vision right now, this is out of my hands.

At the same time I have been thinking a little (I promise, just a little) about what if there is a problem after we’ve been trying for the required year? I’m not jumping to conclusions however I was thinking: I really don’t know if I would want to peruse treatment. I know we’ve only been trying for 5 months and I might feel much differently in 7 more (especially if my body is still acting wacky) but I don’t want to interfere with what God has planned. Just something to chew on for now. I haven’t brought it up to V. but I know he’d be supportive.

With everything so crazy right now it’s really reminded me of how much I do have, and I’m so thankful for it. Especially V. he’s such a good man, who really loves me, he's such a good partner, and my safe place throughout all of this.

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