May 24, 2010

Answer to not yet prayed prayer!

Thank God for my mom-in-law, is the answer to the prayer I hadn't yet prayed! On Sunday, May 23...aka Cycle Day 87, I took a pregnancy test….er two pregnancy tests. I hoped just maybe but if I’m honest with you (and me) I knew I wasn’t. I have never been so in tune with my body, it’s kinda crazy, but I knew I was not/am not pregnant. I worried it would be hard so we decided to go to church on Saturday night. I forced myself to sleep as long as possible and when I could no longer I got up, and took two tests (why two? I have no idea, guess I wanted to be really sure either way). Both clearly negative, I walked though the living room, where V. was hanging out already awake and said “I’m not pregnant” and I retreated to our skill dark bedroom to cry with the sheets over my head. V. came in, poor guy feels so hopeless throughout all this. I think he was actually praying for me, as his hand was firmly on my belly (sheets were still over my head and he was quiet). At some point we eventually made it to the living room, we watched tv and dozed, cried a little and ate at some point. V. had things he needed to get done but I could tell he didn’t want to leave me. I had mentioned to mom-in-law on Saturday night at church that I was testing in the morning and could use some prayers. She called to check on me, I could hardly hold it together telling her I was indeed not pregnant and no I did not want to come out to the house or even leave mine, I didn’t want to talk about it.

Thankfully she ignored me and came over, just to check. V. and dad-in-law went to run errands, and I learned so much about my mom-in-law. She had a stillbirth and three miscarriages in her own quest to be a mom, for a total of eight pregnancies. While I wish she never had to experience those times, I am so glad to have someone I can relate to even a little. She sat with me and talked when I couldn’t, let me cry when I needed to and just listened when I needed to ramble about my fears out loud, it felt so good to just let all the emotions flow without fear of judgment or cliché advice. Never once did she give me the cliché advice I hate so much. She supported me and was such a comfort. She volunteered what knowledge she had, and offered to go to the dr with me. I actually look forward to her coming with me, this is such an emotional time that I tend to not be able to ask the questions I need to and leave the dr wondering and confused. Thank God for you mom-in-law!

After mom-in-law left and V. returned I ate a little, did a few chores and returned to reading this book “the perfect hormone balance for fertility” (for the first half it’s about eating organically and balanced/healthy) I got to the part about irregular cycles and treatments. The more I read the more I think I may actually have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) despite not having a lot of the outward symptoms. I have decided it’s time for a blood test to see, I’m going to request my dr. run it and if she refuses it will be clear she is either unable or unwilling to help me and it’s time to move on to another dr. I’m off to write down my questions, wish me luck, I have to actually call and make the appointment (which I think will be harder than I think, perhaps I’ll wait until lunch).

I feel much more peace right now about this journey. I'm so sad that it's still something we don't talk about, honesty is so refreshing but then again I don't want to talk about it either. I'm torn on that, maybe after I learn a bit more I will venture out of my silence so others will have someone to talk to. Perhaps that is why I am on this journey in the first place, after all things happen for a reason. Guide me God, your will be done.

Jeremiah 29:11

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