I need a break, thankfully it's a 3 day weekend!

I can't wait, just one more hour until the weekend officially starts! V. would like to head to the family cabin, I want to just stay home, we'll see who wins. I love the cabin but all too often it ends up being more work than play for me. I just want to sleep for 3 solid days, in which case I'm going to need a serious alarm clock (see image above). You get the idea. I promise to update you next week.

In the mean time, take a moment to thank a solider and pray for the ones who fell so we could have all the liberty we do.

Thankful Thursday

Despite all that is going on with our journey a family of 2+, I choose to be thankful today. We have some really amazing friends, most don't know we are going through all of this, but a few know something is up and have been praying for us. Last night we got to hang out with many of them, we had a BBQ (in the pouring rain, we sat on the covered pouch). It was really fun to just hangout, laugh and eat together as "one odd little family" as J calls us.

*I'll update you on the baby-makin' stuff tomorrow, or perhaps Tuesday*

Waiting, Praying & Breathing

I’m kinda in this weird mental state today. I called the dr. yesterday to let them know it’s been just shy of 90 days with no period and a negative pregnancy test. I got a call back and was told they want to run some blood tests, specifically for my thyroid, and they wanted me to come in within the next 3 hours. I called my mom-in-law, and V. to let them know, told my bff E., sent out a text to two friends and a email to my pastor-friend and shot up some personal “this is in your hands, your will be done.” Prayers and before I knew it, it was time to head off to the dr. Yes I went alone, perhaps to my own detriment, I’m very independent, and really I can get my blood drawn all by myself, other appointments I’m sure I’ll need the support of my beloved V. or someone else but this I could handle. While walking from the dr to the lab, I read the lab slip: Tests for :Thyroid (TSH) and prolactin (Prolactin issues create issues with ovulation.) Also noted on the sheet was to Dx (diagnosis): amenorrhea…..not ovulating. *sigh* I’m not sure why but I was a little shocked to see it written there.

I’m glad to be moving forward, and hopefully obtaining some answers but I’m also scared. First and foremost I do not want to step in front of God and his plans for us. I believe and know that miracles can and absolutely do happen. I fully believe that God not only hears the desires of V. and my heart but will fulfill them, in his time and his way. The human part of me is praying it’s as simple as taking a pill, perhaps to balance a simple hormone imbalance and resort ovulation. I must tread carefully because I know our insurance doesn’t cover any fertility treatments so we’ll likely be paying for all of it out of pocket. I will fully admit to hoping online and reading about thyroid issues, I fit several of the criteria for hypothyroidism, not that I am a dr by any stretch of the imagination.

This is intense but I’m glad something is finally happening, yet at the same time we have only been trying for 6 months, I’m so torn with my emotions. I find a lot of comfort in the book I’m reading “the perfect hormone balance for fertility” while most of it talks about eating organically and balanced, I love the parts that address hormones and how they affect you and what treatments you may or may not need. I have found it to be very middle of the road, while promoting healthy living it also addresses the potential need for medical treatments. The good news is I eat well already, I work out, I have a very healthy BMI and am a active individual. I will be adapting some more changes, not exclusively for fertility but overall health. I am also seeking a yoga class, I know the relaxation will benefit me greatly.

I’m still doing the “one day and one step at a time.” And fully intend to continue it that way; get info, pray and seek God’s will, decide and then act. I will not shoot from the hip so to speak. First we have to find out what is going on with my body.

And right at this moment I’m just waiting, praying and focusing on breathing.

Answer to not yet prayed prayer!

Thank God for my mom-in-law, is the answer to the prayer I hadn't yet prayed! On Sunday, May 23...aka Cycle Day 87, I took a pregnancy test….er two pregnancy tests. I hoped just maybe but if I’m honest with you (and me) I knew I wasn’t. I have never been so in tune with my body, it’s kinda crazy, but I knew I was not/am not pregnant. I worried it would be hard so we decided to go to church on Saturday night. I forced myself to sleep as long as possible and when I could no longer I got up, and took two tests (why two? I have no idea, guess I wanted to be really sure either way). Both clearly negative, I walked though the living room, where V. was hanging out already awake and said “I’m not pregnant” and I retreated to our skill dark bedroom to cry with the sheets over my head. V. came in, poor guy feels so hopeless throughout all this. I think he was actually praying for me, as his hand was firmly on my belly (sheets were still over my head and he was quiet). At some point we eventually made it to the living room, we watched tv and dozed, cried a little and ate at some point. V. had things he needed to get done but I could tell he didn’t want to leave me. I had mentioned to mom-in-law on Saturday night at church that I was testing in the morning and could use some prayers. She called to check on me, I could hardly hold it together telling her I was indeed not pregnant and no I did not want to come out to the house or even leave mine, I didn’t want to talk about it.

Thankfully she ignored me and came over, just to check. V. and dad-in-law went to run errands, and I learned so much about my mom-in-law. She had a stillbirth and three miscarriages in her own quest to be a mom, for a total of eight pregnancies. While I wish she never had to experience those times, I am so glad to have someone I can relate to even a little. She sat with me and talked when I couldn’t, let me cry when I needed to and just listened when I needed to ramble about my fears out loud, it felt so good to just let all the emotions flow without fear of judgment or cliché advice. Never once did she give me the cliché advice I hate so much. She supported me and was such a comfort. She volunteered what knowledge she had, and offered to go to the dr with me. I actually look forward to her coming with me, this is such an emotional time that I tend to not be able to ask the questions I need to and leave the dr wondering and confused. Thank God for you mom-in-law!

After mom-in-law left and V. returned I ate a little, did a few chores and returned to reading this book “the perfect hormone balance for fertility” (for the first half it’s about eating organically and balanced/healthy) I got to the part about irregular cycles and treatments. The more I read the more I think I may actually have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) despite not having a lot of the outward symptoms. I have decided it’s time for a blood test to see, I’m going to request my dr. run it and if she refuses it will be clear she is either unable or unwilling to help me and it’s time to move on to another dr. I’m off to write down my questions, wish me luck, I have to actually call and make the appointment (which I think will be harder than I think, perhaps I’ll wait until lunch).

I feel much more peace right now about this journey. I'm so sad that it's still something we don't talk about, honesty is so refreshing but then again I don't want to talk about it either. I'm torn on that, maybe after I learn a bit more I will venture out of my silence so others will have someone to talk to. Perhaps that is why I am on this journey in the first place, after all things happen for a reason. Guide me God, your will be done.

Jeremiah 29:11

Stormy Life, Sunny Attitude

I sorta feel like I'm the sunshine in the middle of a tornado right now. So much is going on around me (more on that later, maybe), much of it is very sad. I was trying to explain it to myself when I was on the treadmill last night (not out loud, lol) and it really feels like so much around me is spinning out of control and yet somehow I can hold it together. Only by the grace of God I’m sure.

Part of me feels bad that I am able to remain calm and even happy, it’s not that I’m not sad for all these people in my life but I guess I feel like I have to remain strong from them. I’ve been working out and that has helped, praying a lot which always helps and I have remained committed to not testing. I haven’t tested in 3 weeks. I know it’s crazy, even I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go this long without testing. There were hard moments but I just kept praying and reminded myself if I don’t actually know I can still hope. A week from today I’ll have too, I wish it didn’t have to be a week day but I probably should since I’ll have to call the dr and I don’t want to go into her office just for a pee test. I guess if I am pregnant I think we would have a February baby, I'm not sure. I haven’t though like that since I got my hopes all up about a Christmas time baby. I have no idea when or if I am ovulating. *sigh* I can't believe it's been almost 3 months with no period. But I just have to have tunnel vision right now, this is out of my hands.

At the same time I have been thinking a little (I promise, just a little) about what if there is a problem after we’ve been trying for the required year? I’m not jumping to conclusions however I was thinking: I really don’t know if I would want to peruse treatment. I know we’ve only been trying for 5 months and I might feel much differently in 7 more (especially if my body is still acting wacky) but I don’t want to interfere with what God has planned. Just something to chew on for now. I haven’t brought it up to V. but I know he’d be supportive.

With everything so crazy right now it’s really reminded me of how much I do have, and I’m so thankful for it. Especially V. he’s such a good man, who really loves me, he's such a good partner, and my safe place throughout all of this.

So that's where my breaking point is, good to know.

Sunday (aka Mother’s Day) I woke up kinda cranky, but was determined to shake it. V. and I headed off to church and sat with mom-in-law and dad-in-law. And then it started, the sermon on Ruth 4. Ruth had been widowed, ends up falling for this guy Boaz and despite that she was previously married for 10 years and never had children. Then God "opened her womb" and she got pregnant on her wedding night with Boaz. And my pastor gets on his standard “get married and have babies immediately” soapbox, then proceeds to talk about how he understand that some people can’t have children and talks about his brother and wife who NEVER were able to have children yadda yadda yadda, God opens and closes wombs. I lost in right there and started to cry. I excused myself to the ladies room and came back and did my best to hold it together. I really hoped that the fam would just think I was just frustrated by the pressure to have kids asap and ignore it.

Unfortunately it was Mother’s Day and we had all made plans to meet at a local chain restaurant for lunch. Great (sarcasm intended). Grandma-in-law, brother-in-law and mom-in-law and dad-in-law arrive just before us as well as V.’s great aunt. Things went fine for the most part until brother-in-law joked (as he ALWAYS does) that V. and I need to give dad-in-law what he really wants for father’s day; a grandchild. I snapped my head to look directly at him and said “you know[name] it’s not always easy for people to get knocked up” him “oh [my name], you’d be surprised” [please note he is a 26 year old virgin with no dating experience] me (angry tone) “No, YOU would be surprised.” And Cue awkward silence. Thank God our meal was over, V. quickly made an excuse for us to go, he could tell I was hurting. We no sooner got outside and mom-in-law runs up and hugs me saying “we love YOU, we don’t care about babies, really” I start absolutely bawling and say “we’ve been trying for months, I…I don’t know if we can. I am SO sorry we ruined your Mother’s Day” I tried to back away. She was so surprised she just hugged me tighter and said “you didn’t ruin anything, we love you” I just cried and said “I just want to go home” and V. got me out of there. How embracing. I just cried on the way home, V. was so great. We got home and he just held me. I spent the remainder of the afternoon on the sofa.

Several days have passed now, I was able to spend some time with just mom-in-law and tell her what is really going on, she was surprised and sad but hopeful. I learned she had several miscarriages. How sad. She offered no advice, and thankfully so. I get so tired of advice, unless I have sought it out. She and dad-in-law are there for us and supporting us and has already told brother-in-law to grow up and be more sensitive to others.

What a long road. Today is cycle day 81, I have to call the dr in 9 days if flow doesn’t show on her own. Which I am certain she won’t. I need to prepare some questions. I don’t even know what to ask. *Sigh*

Enough Said

Needtobreathe

I heard this song today at lunch, I've heard it countless times but it hit a new spot in my heart and soul today. So here are some Needtobreathe Lyrics for you:

I promised you the world again
Everything within my hands
All the riches one could dream
They will come from me
I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
I hoped that you could understand
That this is not what I had planned
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
We’re off to new lands
So hold on to my hands
It’s gonna be alright
It’s a whole lot brighter
So stand by the fire
It’s gonna be alright
Yeah, the road gets harder
But it’s not much farther
It’s gonna be alright
You know that it ain’t easy
Please believe me
It’s gonna be alright
Please don’t worry now
It will turn around
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine
So say what’s on your mind
Cause I can’t figure out just what’s inside
So say alright
Cause I know we can make it if we try
Cause I need more time
Just a few more months and we’ll be fine

I will NOT test

In order to keep my sanity and my promise to myself to take this whole thing one day at a time I have made a decision not to test. I will not take a pregnancy test until I have to (requested by dr.) period. I will allow my mind run ramped with "maybe's" and "hopefully's" but I will not test and force myself on a roller coaster of emotions, specifically worry and fear. I am praying that either I get (or am) pregnant or my period shows in the next 18 days and leaving it at the feet of God. This is all his and I will do my best to not interfere in anyway. I'm actively working to reduce my stress and be as in the moment as I can.

I wish no one ever had to "try" to get pregnant but I guess we all have different journeys. Mine will be one day and sometimes one breath at a time.

The Sky is ALWAYS Blue

Lately God has been speaking to me, but he keeps saying the same thing:

"The sky is always blue, no matter the size or severity of the storm rolling in. No matter how bad the wind, rain, snow, sleet or hail is, the sky is always blue, even though you may not be able to see it know that it is true. Behind the clouds and storm there is always the blue sky. Eventually the clouds will roll out, the winds, rain, snow, sleet, and hail will all recede and the blue sky will show again. And the storm always rolls out, it is only temporary! I am the blue sky! I am God, I will never leave you nor forsake you and I never change! Your faith rests in me, even during the storm I am still God!"

And the calmness in my heart is incredible! God is so good!

[Hebrews 13:5]

In Non-Baby Making News

So V. and I live in a decent size town, large enough to have plenty of comforts, one of which is a good sized health food store. I must admit it has intimidated me for the 6 years I've lived here. I had wondered in once or twice before but never came out with more than a chap stick and a small juice.

That was about to change, recently V. and I watched Food Inc. (if you haven't watched it you should!). V. is not a healthy eater and in the course of watching Food Inc that changed (at least a little). With no prodding or hinting he turned to me and said "we need to change somethings about how we eat, we should at least stop getting our milk and meat at the big blue box store [name purposely omitted]." I was more than happy to make a change. I'm all about eating healthier!

Flash forward about 2 weeks and we need some groceries! V. and I venture to the health food store, which was celebrating it's anniversary so it was crazy busy, whoops! V. and I found a parking spot and ventured in! Much to my delight we found that a great deal of the items we already purchase are very similar in cost to the big blue box store!! YAY!!! We got organic pears (a staple of V.'s diet, hey at least it's green!), organic bananas, a whole organic pineapple, some granola (that I am in love with), milk and trail mix. I know, I know we totally needed more than that but this was our first journey in and it was so busy we just got a few things and browsed others. The meat was more expensive but I'm ok with it, we still have a ton of game meat at home we can eat before we purchase more meat.

I am so excited on so many levels and a bit disappointed in myself that it took me so long to discover that eating healthier is easier than I thought. I genuinely expected it to be so much more expensive. I'm sure I'll end up still getting a few things at the big blue box store but I will more carefully choose them and read the labels more carefully!